Without being heartless to my 87 year old domineering mother that lives with me, how can I feel like I have some say so in my own home?

It's time for professional help. What keeps you two together, money? What is fair is unconditional love and patience. If not effective enough or missing, please look into your mother's alternate living arrangements. We readers care.

Have a set down talk with your mom,, It's WAY OVERDUE!!!

Tell her exactly how you feel and for ya'll to continue living together, changes must be made.

Have your changes listed znd give her the list as ya'll go over them one by one.

Include your mom's feelings, thoughts and ideas and come to a mutual arrangement.

If this isn't possible then mom or you will have to move out

Screennamed, I so agree with you. I didn’t understand that I’d been verbally abused and emotionally manipulated by my mother all my life until I reached 50!! This is despite the fact that she walked out when I was 15, wanted to empty my room of all my furniture and take that with her too as she had paid for it all (bed included) and then proceeded to blame me for most of my adult life for not fitting in with her future plans for me (ie giving up school and my plans to go to University). It sounds unbelievable I know, but I didn’t really ever think about it much, I just accepted it and assumed that this was how mothers and their children interacted with each other! The fact is that when you are a child, whatever family life you experience, however extreme, just seems normal to you, as it’s all you’ve ever known. It’s only when you discuss and explain the kinds of things that have happened in your family to other people (in my case my husband and a counsellor) that you find out it’s not healthy and you don’t have to put up with it or accept it. Wow, that was a massive revelation to me! Suddenly I could see what had been happening to me for decades, and through listening to my supporters I had permission to reject this kind of behaviour, moving forward. Although my mother now lives with us (I’m sure I offered this to her when she was widowed as a way of seeking acceptance and validation from her, before I had my moment of revelation), I keep her at an emotional arms length. I will not let her abuse me as she has done in the past. She in turn finds this baffling-she as the abuser has spent over 50 years behaving in a certain way towards me, and to her this was a normal way of life and couldn’t see anything wrong with it. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that it’s never too late to reject abuse and manipulation in its many forms. You can set out what your needs and wants are from life, then move forward ensuring that firstly your basic needs are met (including a life without abuse) and that some of your wants are met - maybe a hobby that would give you pleasure, some time to yourself etc. When you do this you will start to see your own mental health improve and this will empower you to deal with any future flare ups of abuse. I hope this helps.

Usually those, who have been psychologically abused,
have no idea that they've been, manipulated for his/her entire life, and write about their situations in a completely different manner, from a victim's perspective.
Your writing is ...

You already have the answers.

What exactly are you seeking?

Houseseeker, I am wondering if you have tried any of the suggestions offered and how it is going?

Hopefully you are finding a way to live in your own home, peacefully with your mom knowing that you are mistress of your domain and she is a welcome guest.

Please come and let us know how you are doing. We learn from one another and love to hear how others are implementing change.

you have the solution in your hands - it’s you. You’re the solution. Make the time you need for yourself by taking the time from activities for others. Make an appointment with yourself and put it in the diary. They’ll get used to it - new habits.

If something is important to you - you must stick to your guns! It doesn;t matter what it is.

Do you have specific things that you want to change? Know what they are if you have to sit down and make yourself a list.

You have to also understand that with this caregiving thing, the more you do for someone the more you create a decline for that person. When you jump up each time she wants thing, you are slowly removing her ability to walk. Look at every single thing you do. Even the simplest of chores/tasks that you do (just because it's easier than to talk about it) you are creating the debilitated patient down the road. Always keep that in mind.

You created the problem by allowing others to have their way with you. You've spent many years creating this environment. So change will come about slowly with you being consistent in making the changes. Say no when you have to and stick to it. Define the boundaries and stick to it. The first time you back down, you will be back to where you are now. It's hard. Best of luck to you.

Sounds like a case for your family doctor and counselor-- first you go see him and then bring your Mom to see him. Tell him what you really want, your house back.
Because you are dealing with someone suffering from dementia you are allowed to be sneaky... In other words you can justify a white lie or two--- you could tell her the house has burned down... or that it has a dangerous black mold problem and you are going to have to sell it to someone who will destroy it and build again. But in any case you and your mother will be homeless. So your doctor will advise your mother to go to an independent living facility. And you will have to go rent an inexpensive apartment. With dementia -- sometimes you are allowed to not tell the truth, but offer a distraction. NOW once she is settled in, she will forget everything and learn to enjoy sitting with women her own age as they eat their lunch. Make sure you get her to agree to you being her POA. Good luck.

Houseseeker2: You are not heartless and others should be able to appreciate the wonderful person that you are. Prayers sent.

So, it's nice that you took your mother in to provide a home and care for her. BUT, your profile only states "age-related decline, anxiety, depression, and hearing loss." So, what care do you have to provide? From that description (there could be more, but you haven't clarified that) it sounds like she just needs a place to live and perhaps you provide transport and meals, maybe laundry. What help does she actually need? What takes all your time?

Heartless to say no? Hardly. I made my decision before mom developed dementia that no way could we be in the same place 24/7. Dementia firmly cemented that decision! She was early 90s when we had to deal with that. First was helping her with grocery shopping and getting to appointments (we took the car away.) Financial takeover had to be done next, as she was messing it up. Plan A was to bring in help as needed, to keep her in her own condo (her wish at that point) as long as possible. We only got to stage 1 of that plan (1 hour/day, mainly to check on her and make sure she took her medications.) That didn't last 2 months. Given how she dealt with that and her adamant refusal to consider moving anywhere, she likely would be a lot like your mother, with a dose of dementia on top! She did tend to be critical of decisions and life choices I have made, but it IS my life! **(see add'l comment)

So, you need to start putting yourself first. If she really needs assistance, you could start pushing for her to move to AL, if she has the means. If she doesn't need that much help, then you need to allocate more time EVERY day for yourself.

"I have been easily manipulated my entire life."
Many of us can say this. Once you realize it and acknowledge it, which you have, then focus on changing that.

"Spent much of my time trying to make those around me happier than I ever could make myself."
I am a giving-type of person, and get pleasure from helping others, but at some point some of those we try to help out and bring some happiness to step over the line and start TAKING. It's okay to be a giver, to a point. When the helping hand is grabbed and dragged down, it's time to pull back that hand!

"I appreciate time by myself, but don’t get more than an hour or so at a time a couple times a year."
TAKE the time. Given your description of your mother's conditions, she doesn't need you 24/7.
If she is safe to be left alone, GET OUT and do what YOU want to do! Granted it's a tough time for that, but you can go for walks, drives, sit in a park, set aside space in YOUR home for projects, activities, crafts, etc that YOU like to do, and shut her out. It's your home.
If she isn't safe to be left alone, use her income to hire aides to watch over her while you do what you want. She's your mother, not your task master, not your boss, just your mother. Ensure her needs are met - NEEDS, not wants, and ignore anything else she has to say. She obviously is opinionated and critical, but that doesn't mean you have to listen to her or internalize ANYTHING she says. She starts in on you for anything, walk away. Let it bounce off or roll off your back. Words can be painful, but they can be ignored as they are only words and come from ignorance.

"If something isn’t important to my mother then it isn’t important. If something isn’t valuable to her then it has no value."

Fine. But finish the statements thus:
"If something isn’t important to my mother then it isn’t important TO HER."
"If something isn’t valuable to her then it has no value TO HER."

Whatever the "somethings" are, they ARE important to you and they ARE valuable to you! She has no real power over you. If she starts to criticize and/or complain, cut her off and just state calmly that this isn't a topic for discussion, then walk away. Don't let her rule over your life!

You CAN do this. It'll take some effort, it'll take some time. There might be some back-sliding, but don't let that deter you! TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE AND HOME!

I thought I was the only one with this same situation. I truly feel for you. My mom is 85 and has lived with me for the past 25 years. In her eyes I pay the bills and she reaps the rewards. She has taken over my home and wants to control my world. She cost me a wonderful husband and then a great boyfriend. I don’t have a life. I’m so sorry, I thought I was the only one in this situation.

I think that there are two standout phrases - "Without being heartless" and "I have been easily manipulated..." If this is your own home then there is nothing heartless about standing up for yourself and telling her no from time to time when you have made other plans.

I write this knowing exactly how you are feeling about being manipulated and having reached a point when I felt I needed to tell my mother that the world did not revolve around her. It took several events to make her realize that I was actually an adult person rather than merely an extension of herself.

I should also tell you that I was not able to do this without the help of several counseling sessions with a psychologist.

Dear Houseeker2,
Like you I was raised to be the "good little girl", the one who put themselves last. It took me some time with a professional counselor to learn to say "No". It was like the world would end and I would go straight to a burning place if I said that word. The first time I said no, it took me 3 weeks to do it. BUT, I did and it was so freeing.

If you have too hard a time, get some professional help. Look at the suggestions the wonderful people in this forum have suggested. Take the easiest one first, keep trying, you will be amazed at how freeing it is. Don't feel guilty or that you have let someone down. Just do it. Believe it or not, you have rights too. I am 86 and I know your mother could live another 10 or more years. One of my husband's extended family is 109 and just had to go to assisted living.

The following information is not to say that you will get cancer but you can see the relationship between certain personalities and health and wellness. I wonder if your mother is a narcissist? Good for you recognizing that you have to make some changes in yourself in order to live a quality life.

Cancer Personality: Suppressed Emotions and Cancer - Dr ...
drmashand.com › cancer-personality


Apr 3, 2017 - Cancer Personality: character traits predispose a person to the risk of developing ... and minerals, phytonutrients) so having a well-balanced nutrition is paramount. ... 3) Being a “people pleaser” with a great need for approval.

Housekeeper2,

If it's your house, set the rules, the tone and the conditions of your Mom living in your home. Even if your Mom pays her part of rent, utilities, etc. Boundaries are #1 important. Belittling, Bad Mouthing, Tantrums, Ill-tempers are not acceptable. Tell her so. Be kind, but very firm. Write it down and print it out if necessary. Make her sign a contract on living conditions. If she still fails to respect your boundaries and is still disrespectful, then it's time you make her move out.

If it's her house, it's a bit different in this way. If it's her house and you set boundaries on how you should be respected and treated and she still doesn't do that, then MOVE. Find a way and leave.

If she's always been this way, she needs to be confronted and told how her behavior and disrespect affect you. Be blunt. "Your attitude, tone and disrespect make me feel bad and I feel no obligation to have you in my home anymore."

If she has gotten this way recently or in last few years, have doctors do a medication check to make sure prescription drugs and supplements aren't interacting incorrectly to cause mood swings. Or maybe she is starting to get Alzheimer's which affects your behavior.

If she is living with you and on Social Security, make her pay you a monthly sum that would cover Adult Day Care or a Sitter for 8 hours a month or more! Take that time, go to a movie, go with friends to restaurants, soak in a tub. Etc. Make siblings if any, schedule times each week or month to relive you. I have been a care giver most of my life and it's exhausting. First, my grandfather with 6 years Alzheimer's, then my grandmother with 6 years Alzheimer's (all with young children at home), then my stepdad with cancer, now my Mom for past 25 years and counting. Take the vacations, trips, etc. Find someone she has to pay to watch her if needed while you are gone. My Mom goes back and forth between her house and mine due to health issues. She was with us for 8 months one time and just recently 4 months. She is super sweet, never degrading BUT she was very needy. In the beginning she needed extra help and I didn't mind helping her but then she would just sit there until I made meals, or did laundry or clean her bathroom. Finally, I said if she wanted to go back home, then she needed to prove to me that she could take care of herself. Make her meals or help me, do her laundry, clean her spaces, etc. She said ok and did it. Sometimes, they get in a habit of us doing for them. If it's gets to the point that they can't do for themselves, then you may want to start the conversation about Nursing Care at a Home. There is nothing to be ashamed of in that. My Mom and I have talked often about this. I told her I would help her and keep her home as long as possible, she is 85. However, I told her that if she becomes disabled to care for herself, then she would have to go into a place of care.
I hope all this helps. Praying for you. Set Boundaries and stick to them. Walk away and do not allow any disrespectful talk from your Mom.

My heart goes out to you and I hear where you are coming from. I too lived a hard life (my parents were o.k.) but with others. One day I snapped and as hard as it was, I made up my mind never, ever to tolerate "abuse" regardless of the form it took from anyone. It was tough to get "tough and strong" but over time I did and my life changed for the better. You are at that point. I don't care what the relationships are, spouses, friends, siblings, children, etc. YOU have to stand up to them in such a way that they will be shocked but they will also realize YOU ARE DONE WITH THEIR MANIPULATIVE ABUSE AND BEHAVIOR AND WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE IT - EVER! It sounds to me like you fear your mother and her reaction and her complete selfishness. This alone makes her not worth your time, effort and caring. You evidently never had a loving relationship from her and therefore YOU OWE HER NOTHING. The fact that you did/do take care of her makes you a saint but at what cost. She has/is destroying you. YOU have to come first in everything from now on. The very next time where she acts improperly, you will have to put her in her place in such a strong way that she will fear doing anything bad to you ever again. Be tough and don't care if she rants and raves....do not give in to her ever again. Tell her the behavior stops NOW forever and if it ever starts again, you will walk away and never look back. I don't think she should be in your life and should not live with you. Talk to the Office on Aging in your county and seek professional advice on how to get her placed. Start living again while you still have a chance. She is not worth your caring

Good advice from Clarlady and the "grey rock" attitude. I had a boss who would use the phrase, "gentle pressure, relentlessly applied" to work with difficult employees. In your case (my mother lived to be almost 107, I know what I am talking about) sit back and look at the situations in your home or activities that are the most difficult. Is it the way you keep house? The food you prepare or the way you cook? The people you call on the phone or send mail to? Develop a handful of phrases in addition to the "No, I'm not going to do it that way" such as: Yes mom, I hear you, and that worked for you in your home but it does not work for me in my home and I do it differently".

It takes practice to remain calm, focused, and with backbone. At the same time, be sure to do a couple of things your mom likes or wants so that you can also calmly remind her that you did that her way.

And, find a way to have time for yourself each day. Start watching an hour of a talk show or a soap opera, or something on a regular basis. Don't worry about paying attention to the screen, just be able to sit and not do anything.

I assume that you've now noticed how often the word "boundaries" is used!

Here's another idea that works with my NPD/BPD mom: whenever you refuse to do her bidding, use a completely bland look and neutral voice. I believe this is called "Grey Rock", and I can confirm that it works. No drama, no excitement, just "No, I'm not going to do that", "Sorry, I can't do that", etc. It's beautiful when you get it, because you get to stand your ground, and she doesn't have the satisfaction of making you angry, flustered, etc. A big WIN for YOU!

Be prepared to leave the house for awhile if she tantrums. Just make sure she's safe alone for awhile, of course. After doing this for awhile, my guess is that she'll get it.

Dear Friend,

I too have a controlling mother. Sweet as pie as long as she gets her way. I've spent most of my life taking care of her emotionally. 4 weeks ago I went "No Contact" with her, and am starting to feel happy and hopeful again for the first time in 51 years. She's got many issues, but the key is BOUNDARIES!!!

Your mother lives with you - that's much harder than my situation. Still, the key point is boundaries. YOU MATTER!! It's not "all about her", even though she may think so. She needs to realize this, but she will only do so if YOU stand firm about the things YOU need.

Think about what you need. How much time away. How much time to yourself. Have a "schedule" for the day. See if it works for awhile. I wouldn't give it a long time, because like I said, YOU MATTER! You have a right to the life YOU want. It isn't selfish...that's just the line we've been told by our mothers to keep us in line. In truth, they are jealous of women who "get to do what they want", because maybe they themselves didn't voice their own preferences when they were young. NOT YOUR FAULT.

Go for it. Own your own life. YOU MATTER, my friend!

Other have given good advice.

But PLEASE, put your foot down NOW and set some boundaries. Your home, your rules - it's as simple as that!

If your mother needs care 24/7, then hire a caregiver or companion a few hours weekly while you get out of the house to run errands, take a walk, etc.

I will just add that your MOTHER is the one who sounds "heartless", not you. I'll bet you've had that phrase thrown at you a lot in your life.

You have some self-preservation instincts left, although it appears she has tried mightily to snuff them out.

Make a list of all that you do for her. Cross off half of the tasks and tell her she will have to hire them out. (Got this from fellow poster Frequent Flyer).

Why is your mother living with you? I am 86 and i am sure I am somewhat domineering. However, I would feel it very ungrateful and or even unethical to try to dominate someone else"s home.I am very independent by the grace of God. I do lve alone and love it.I dread becoming helpless and or dependent. However, if I did need to call on aomeone forhelp and or a place to live, i hope i would be grateful and kind; nd notry to dominate them or their household.My 65 year old daughter daughter has sadly become very ill and helpless. i am not going to be her caregiver. Is there some other arrangement you could make for your mother? Is it necessary for her to live with you?

You’re not alone. Your situation sounds exactly like mine except with me it’s my dad. Seems like we’ve adjusted our lives to accommodate them at our expense. I think the parent-child dynamic interferes with us setting boundaries. Heaven forbid we upset our parents.

Maybe being manipulative and difficult is the only way they know how to maintain control of a life that’s now dependent on their children for just about everything?

I try to remind people (mothers and care takers especially) of something I heard a long time ago that has really stuck with me... "You can't pour from an empty pitcher." Meaning if you don't take care of yourself first, eventually you won't have anything left to give to the ones you are caring for. Selfcare is not selfish! It is literally for the ones you love, you will be a better caretaker if you have given yourself what you need to thrive.
Being a people pleaser myself, I totally understand what you are going through, the guilt of having to tell someone no, the internal struggle to make yourself happy and feeling like you are hurting someone else in the process, it's agonizing BUT it does get easier! Just keep one thing in mind, from the sound of it your mother wouldn't give a second thought of hurting you for her own comfort and you need to remember that. When our parents age, the roles swap, you are now the "mother" and she sounds like the spoiled brat of a "child" and your new role is to make the best decisions for her health and well being which may include YOU getting time alone and HER NOT getting her way. Set boundaries and reminding her that it is your home and she will have to live by your rules and way of life or you can find her a place that she can live life her way. Stand your ground and get relief from her whenever you can, in fact make a weekly date with yourself to get away.

Respect yourself and teach her to do the same by letting her know you do not tolerate anything less.

If your mother does not help pay your housing Bill's, you are in full charge of your place to deem what is suitable. Make written rules to follow.

You have a good understanding of your personality and your mom's personality. Personality traits are pretty much hard-wired from birth: degree of introvert versus extrovert, degree of task-oriented versus relationship-oriented, degree of being a "morning person" versus being a "night person"... those traits can be modified a bit but we all tend to be happiest in our original setting environment.

The real question is how can you create your "happiest environment" while not being overwhelmed by your mom's "take charge" traits. Start by considering what would actually be your "best life", your "ok life", and your "worst life". You'll need to let mom know what is the "worst life" and create strategies for dealing with her when she strays into this area - because it seems to be happening. Also consider how to get more "best life" scenarios into your "ok life". You appreciate "me time," time by yourself, but seem to not get enough of it. How much would be ideal and how much would be ok? Find others to take on your caregiving duties to mom so you can get this need met: friends, family, church, paid help...
Consider other "needs" you have and how to rearrange your current situation so that you live more in the "best life" to "ok life" zones without straying into the "worst life" zones.

Houseseeker2 that you recognize this about yourself is step 1. At any age we can make changes toward a happier life, one that aligns with our needs and desires. Besides training yourself to make those changes, however small at first, you've got to "move the Mountain (mother)" as well. Each morning decide what one thing you need for the day, write it down as a reminder and tell your mother what that is ("Today I am going for a walk. I should be back in 30 minutes."; "Today I need an hour to read this book. We can talk about it once I'm done, if you'd like"; "Today I'm working outside, clearing the flower beds, they've needed it for sometime and I'm doing it today.") It's going to be like training a toddler at first -- "no, I'm not doing that"; "20 more minutes and I can help with that," "I'm working on this, when I'm done we can talk about it". Exhausting. In the end, it's up to you -- you have to decide your time and wishes are important.

Stop ENABLING the situation. Take control of it. It is your Own Home and you should decide...How to take the Ride. Don't let Mommy Dearest control YOU.