My husband had a massive stroke 2 1/2 yrs. ago at age 61. He never should have survived but they pulled him thru. He's paralyzed, speech is affected too. He's had one health crisis after another. Last week he had to have a kidney removed. He's been in and out of the hospital so much these last few months. He lives in a nursing home but I go to see him 2-3 times a week. When he's in the hospital I go daily. He's been telling me he wants to come home to live. I work full time and try to manage my home, laundry, mowing etc. myself. I can't afford to hire anyone. I feel like I did wrong in keeping him alive when he had he stroke. He doesn't like living this way either. I've been on anti depressants for over 2 yrs. But lately, I just can't take it any more. I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I was there every day to see him for the first year and then had to cut back. Sometimes I dread going there. I had to get him on Medicaid to help pay for the nursing home. He got SS Disability after 6 months but that goes towards his care as well as the retirement he was getting. I'm tying to survive on what I make and when I have repairs to my vehicle which was over $1100 and a emergency at home, I don't have the extra money to fix it. Twice I've had to short the payment to the nursing home because of emergencies.I had to have some limbs taken off a tree last week at home tha were cracking in the wind and going to fall on my house. That was over $700 alone. Now the nursing home is on my case for not paying them and threatening to take approprate action to collect the money. So much stress....I don't know how much more I can take. None of our friends go to visit him. Just me. Even with him in the hospital, no one has stopped by. I just want to have a life of mine own again. This last week these feelings have gotten worse.
You have a lot on your plate working full time, visiting him, doing chores and taking care of things at home. A lot of expenses too. Have you considered moving to an apartment or condo? You mentioned mowing the lawn and having to pay for limb removal. You also noted a 4 hour round trip drive to visit your husband. Perhaps you could find a place half way between your job and the nursing home. Do you own or rent? I know this isn't the best time for selling a home or moving but in the long run, a smaller place would require less of your time, energy and money.
Just a thought that jumped out at me when reading your story. I wish you the best.
them or something. PULEASE. Unfortunately, my dear mother is one of those uber Catholics who abhors Jack Kevorkain. (I keep my thoughts to myself as her primary caregiver living in her home) . But since I dont' have children -- i.e. a caregiver bred for me, if things go for me the way they are going for mom (advanced PD with cognitive impairment starting to rear it's ugly head and you know things will only go south the longer she lives) , I will have to be my OWN kevorkian to myself because I don't want to (not that I could even if I wanted to) live my life unable to truly live my live. If that makes me a ghoul -- well then BOO to you!
I agree with felines5...you need a support and venting outlet. At a support group you can listen to other's scenarios and how they have dealt with them. When you feel comfortable you can open-up with your issues. And if anything, it can be an oasis, getting you physically and mentally away from the stress and hardship for an hour or two. Don't know enough about the services provided or organizations available in your area but I would suggest you try to find out by making some calls to a mental health or health care facility. They probably can steer you in the right direction. Your doctor's office, the hospital where your husband has been treated or the nursing home where he lives either have organized support groups or have info available about support groups in your area. Don't be hesitant to ask. These people know what you're going through.
In addition, force yourself to get away and have some fun. Call a friend for shopping & lunch. Call another for dinner and a movie. Go to an arcade. Visit a friend or family. Make plans to get your time and your mind off of your worries/troubles. And avoid talking to great length about medical issues and personal troubles. Vent at the support group meeting, not with your friends..
Finally, in response to some previous comments here concerning living wills or advanced medical directives ...1) I've known people in their 50s through their 80s who did not want to complete these non-binding "documents" (I use that term reluctantly!). Some knew they were going to die and some didn't. Some were mentally aware and some were not. Just like the information contained in the document concerns personal wishes, whether or not to have such a "directive" is also a personal choice and should not be looked down upon if one chooses to not complete one.
2) I'm not even sure, except for perhaps a lack of understanding about living wills,
why this issue has been raised here. The premise of such a "document" is that the doctor(s) have determined there is no hope for recovery or the patient is going to die soon from their illness or injuries. Slkanger has not said that she has been told that. And at this point in her husband's treatment, it is beside the point. The time may come when decisions need to be made concerning resuscitation etc. Based on today's reality, I believe she and he are clear on the route to go when that time comes.
So, here is a scenario where a living will or advanced medical directive is a moot point. There are a variety of scenarios where quite possibly a living will/directive does not/would not respond appropriately or be warranted. Which is why many people are hesitant to agree to such a "one size fits all" response.
This would mean that he has a short life expectancy and that no measures -- drugs, procedures, tubes, DNR -- would be taken to prolong his life, but that everything possible would be done to ensure his comfort.
I think it is worth talking to his doctor about -- if he isn't eligible now, under what circumstances would he be? Then you'd be prepared to bring it up at the earliest possible time, and benefit from this very helpful service.
Let us know how you are holding up this week. We care!
Other may have good suggestions.
uplifting and helpful. Let yourself be human and don't feel guilty when you aren't able to do as much as you would like for your husband.