Hi all, sorry for the loooong post, but It's been a while since I've asked any questions as everything is sort of floating along right now, though it's far from good and the ship is sinking. My FIL passed this March (2022) at 92+. MIL, the one with early/moderate dementia, as a widow, is living alone at 88. We've managed to get her to allow us to have a caregiver come in two days a week for 3 hours at a time. The lady takes her to the store, etc. since my husband disabled her car. We live about 130 miles away and we both work. She won’t move closer to us because when we retire next year and move closer to our son, she doesn’t want to have to move again and won’t go to a “cold” climate (Olympia, WA). She won’t wear a Life Alert and won’t use Alexa.
Her current house is 1,900 sq ft and too big for her. We have taken her on tours of Assisted Living places, which she thought were okay for “some day.” We even found one that will allow her to bring her large dog, who is a huge part of the problem. More on her later. She also says that since her budget is sort of balanced, she can stay put. (True enough, but it won’t stay that way as she needs more care.) We'd like to move her while it's not a panicked emergency.
We FINALLY got her to go to a primary doctor, who referred her to a neurologist as he didn’t feel he could accurately diagnose her. So my husband, 64 and her only child, took off and drove down to take her to see him on 10/31. Neurologist says she may have had a stroke because she’s weaker on the right side. MIL says it’s because she’s left-handed. Maybe so, but he wants an MRI. MIL couldn’t remember the 3 words even until he got out of the room so we thought we would at least be able to get a paper with a preliminary dx of dementia. Nope. He said first he would call my husband in a week with results of blood work, etc. He never called. We tried about 7 times to get ahold of him and left messages. Desk person says she will call back with info. We never hear from her either. So no diagnosis means we have no legal ground to make her do anything, as I understand it. We are trying to get a referral to a different dr and/or a gerontologist. We did finally get ahold of the neurologist at the end of last week and he said all her blood work is good and she doesn’t need ANY medication. My husband said he sounded annoyed to have to talk to him. No word on diagnosis because no MRI yet and still no referral.
Now, about the 70-pound neglected dog: The dog won’t use a doggie-door if there is a flap installed. FIL removed the door flap between the house and garage, and this gives rats the run of the place. I find evidence in the living room, on the dining room table, across the furniture, on the 2nd floor. They are in her pantry and run along the baseboards in the bedroom. The exterminator won’t come and deal with the rats because they can't keep the rats out with no dog flap. Traps haven’t worked. The caregiver reports that they are now eating bananas kept on the kitchen island. MIL won’t let her throw them out because, once she cuts off the chewed part. “It’s still good,” she says. Same with spoiled food in the fridge.
So are we likely to get called by APS if a caregiver reports her? That might be the best thing that could happen, but I really don’t know. Am I missing something here? She plays cards and watches TV all day long. I guess she’s happy. But we are thinking that the breaking point for this all might be when she falls or otherwise gets hurt and has to go into the hospital.
I know we don’t have NEARLY the problems most of you do, but I appreciate your time.
People buy pets when they want them and can care for them. With many dogs and other pets, their life span is more than ten years. So the choices are 1) Never buy a pet because you may not be able to care for it in 10 years’ time; 2) Buy it now and euthanise it when you can no longer cope with it; or 3) Send it to a shelter when you can’t cope with it. However 3) is usually the same as 2), because there are few homes for old animals that are incontinent and also need expensive vet treatment. However nice the shelter people are, reality is that if the money runs out and no-one wants the pet, it will be euthanised.
Unless you want to wipe out pets, it is pointless to insult people who have loved their pet but can no longer manage, and have to say good bye.
How did the exterminator know about the missing dog flap without coming to the house to inspect it? Is that actually what the exterminator said, or has an assumption been made? The thing is, a dog flap that can be opened as required by an elderly dog would certainly allow ingress to a rat, so I'm puzzled by this. It's the exterminator's job to advise as well as to exterminate. Has s/he had an opportunity to spell out the reality direct to MIL?
What sort of area is the house in? - rural, urban, suburban? Are there widespread pest control issues?
This woman is still going to have problems with filth and everything else with taking the dog out of the equation. Why cant this woman walk her dog properly or pay someone to come and do it? A 70 pound dog needs exercise. Or hire someone to train dog to use doggie door? It can be done if a person isn't a lazy sack of crap.
And yes getting the dog out of that hell hole of an environment is probably better for the dog if you can find a decent home for him. A shelter should be the last resort not a dumping ground when an animal becomes inconvenient.
Most people should never have animals or children because they are incapable of caring for either.
And this is why the elderly should not be given a pet as a panacea to their loneliness. It's not fair to that dog or cat.
MIL needs to be in an assisted living at the bare minimum.
If the large garage door is closed, the problem is that rats/mice are coming into the garage from outside the garage. Time for a handyman to check around the garage [inside and out] and seal off the cracks where a mouse can easily slip through. Maybe the rubber flap under the large garage door needs replacing. If rats are coming in, then there must be large openings in that garage as rats tend to be the size of a small squirrel.
Call the police on a day when the caregiver isn't there and ask for a welfare check on Mom.
They'll be out there fairly quickly (faster than APS), and if she allows them in the house, they'll see rat droppings, rotting food, and you'll be hearing from them pronto. That's ammunition for you to get a doctor to declare her incompetent. (It's not your fault that she's being stubborn and not controlling the rats -- you live 100 miles away.)
Someone called for a welfare check on my parents who were functioning perfectly well on their own. We still don't know who called, nor why they did, but the police came. They asked if they could come in and look around. Dad willingly let them in, and they talked to each of my parents separately, asked to see the inside of the refrigerator to ensure they had food, and requested contact information for both me and my brother.
It was a mortifying experience for my dad (Mom had dementia and slept through most of it), but I was pleased with how thorough the police were in ensuring they were safe. It also turned out that the police had a program where we could give them a key to keep at the station in case they needed to get in in an emergency. We did give them one, since I lived more than an hour away from my folks.
Call for a welfare check. It can be anonymous, so your Mom won't be told who called, but the police will know via your caller ID.
Ask the police to go to your MIL's house and do a wellness check. They will do regular wellness checks on her. The cops will have no problem. Sometimes a caregiver will be hesitant to report a client living in a dangerous situation because they are afraid their client will get placed and they will lose paying hours they can't afford to lose. Or the client is nice and easy to do for and those care clients are often few and far between in this line of work.
The cops don't worry about losing their jobs if they report to APS on a dangerous situation involving a vulnerable or elderly person.
So they do it. Please talk to the police.
Your MIL is out of it with dementia. Yes, out of it if she saves and eats spoiled food or fruit that has been chewed on by rodents.
Let me tell you something about leaving out food, cooking utensils, and plates when there are rats and mice. They piss and crap on everything they touch. So that banana MIL cuts the bite marks off of has been pissed and crapped on. The bite marks are the least of her problems because you can get very sick from exposure to vermin and their waste. I know because I was always sick when I was a kid.
Please tell her caregiver that is she uses her pots and pans to cook or serves her on dishes, they have to be washed before they are used. Also where there are rats, there are also mice. The vermin is not just confined to one area of the house. Encourge the caregiver to call APS.
APS will call you and your husband if you are her next of kin. That's okay. You won't get in trouble. Call APS yourself and explain to them plainly what's going on that your MIL needs help and refuses. Also, make sure they know that you and your husband are unable to move her into your house to care for her. MAKE SURE you are most emphatic that she is mot moving to your place because APS will try to get you to take her.
You'll see it will be all right. Either her house has to be professionally cleaned and exterminated then a live-in caregiver moved in who can look after things, or she will have to be facility placed. These are the only two options.
I've had a stubborn person that hollered and screamed at me constantly. Sure, the brain is broken, but I'm not here to be abused and let you break me in the process of trying to help you. You either want the help or not. You can't force anyone to accept help.
With dementia their brain is broken. We all know that. When a client is abusive to the caregiver due to dementia this is when the caregiver has to establish dominance and absolute control of the situation. There have been many times were I had to be somewhat intimidating to a dementia client. Sometimed you do have to force help on them, even when they don't want it. I always say a person recovers a lot faster from a bit of intimidation to get something done then they would from a UTI or incontinence sore because they're left filthy. I have had demented elders flip out and call me every name in the book for throwing away spoiled food, rotting garbage, or collections of soiled Depends and pads that they were planning on reusing. I've had to do the drill sargeant's yell in many a face when things got abusive and it works. I never use obscene language or profanity. I do not make threats either. Stubbornness and abusive behavior will result in them going to a nursing home. I;ve said this many times. It's a fact not a threat. I don't tolerate abuse from anyone though. I don't care how old someone is or what their health conditions are. I get the work done because I won't leave someone filthy or with rotting food.
I've had families at their wit's end in tears because of an abusive elder with dementia. Others who minimized the seriousness of the care situation by half jokingly calling their abusive elder a "handful". There are no "handfuls" with me. I get it done any way I can. I've been on camera many times and always explain to a family up front that there may be times when I have to use intimidating language and tactics with their loved one if they are being stubborn and abusive. When the caregiver is alone on the job they have to have total control of the situation. Many of these demented elders are still mobile and physically strong. So you can never let control get away from you. If you have to out a little fear in their hearts, do it if that's the only way to get the work done. Its for their own health and safety.
As stated above, let the inevitable sad fall/illness happen and make sure the hospital discharge people know that she lives alone, will not cooperate and the vermin in her home.
Do NOT show up at the hospital and do NOT take her into your home.
I know this sounds hard, cruel and cold. I am not an uncaring person. My mom was a cooperative elder; she got good care.
My MIL wouldn't hear of having help and threatened to call the authorities on my husband when he became frustrated with her continued self-neglect, so he walked away. A crisis ensued and she got the care she needed. Not what she wanted, but sometimes it's the only way. Step away.
I had an old guy for four hours. I was a fill in for his regular aide. This guy had a pile of used bandages, and used tissues and such almost to the top of his ceiling. The place smelled. He couldn't open his windows but he did turn on the air conditioner. He was suppose to have a shower and clean clothing, but he dressed himself without washing himself. I only had him for the afternoon, so I just sat and talked with him.