Why won't she go and am I terrible for wanting it to end?

If your Mom can make decisions, and if she has no dementia,then you ask her whether she wants to have treatment for her aortic stenosis.
I think there are minimally invasive surgical techniques (plasty)available for this condition. You can discuss with the cardiologist.She will probably have better quality of life too. Likewise, if treatment fails she will die.

dkentz72: if your mom is in a nursing home or assisted facility ,then you should report to the Health Department for negligence! The home should look after her well.It is useless blaming your sibling.

My husband is 92--has fronto-temporal dementia. Two years ago at age 76 I decided that I did not work 48 years to spend the last years of my retirement tired, stressed out, and on a first-responder leash. I found a really good care facility and took him there. It helped that years ago he told me, "If I ever have Alzheimer's, don't kill yourself taking care of me." (He thought his sister died prematurely due to the stress of caregiving for her husband, who lived several more years through the terminal stages of Alzheimer's.) I thought leaving my beloved husband at the care facility was the hardest thing I had ever done, but watching him lose himself inch by inch actually seems harder. However, my goal is to walk through this journey with him, and I think I'm going to be able to do that because I took back a life for myself that is sustaining. Giving up the responsibility of his 24 hour care and the release from the weight of being the first responder for every glich in his home care and emerging health care issues helps me. Now I am engaged with him and his care providers and am able to renew my energy and protect my own heath. He's also a tough old bird. This way I think I can stay the course with him and assure that his needs are met.

God bless you. I can't imagine at your age you are still able to care for your Mother. They say those that are caretakers of patients with dementia or alzheimers will be the next one who will get those diseases.

My sister kept hanging on too. The doctors would say I can't believe she's still a live. She had a massive heart attack at age 45, triple by-pass, had less than 12% chance of survival. She had a second by-pass at 55 came through it with flying colors. She had 3 strokes, lung cancer, & diabetes. She went through chemo for the lung cancer. She developed vascular dementia from the strokes. My brother-in-law cared for her for 11 years til he was forced to put her in a nursing home. She was mean before she got the dementia but after she was paranoid accused everyone from stealing from her, etc. And only got meaner. Cussed her husband & her daughter terribly. She would say she wanted to die but just kept hanging on. Finally at age 75 she passed away. I have to say her passing was so much easier on me than I expected. It was because the meaner she got the more I wanted her to find some peace by dying.

My heart goes out to you. Go to Mexico & enjoy yourself!

rltaunton - I am glad you are looking after yourself. We all need a life that sustains us. It is better for everyone. This has been my choice with mother.

georgia -To be clear, I don't do hands on caregiving and never have. Mother is in an nh.
Re "They say those that are caretakers of patients with dementia or alzheimer's will be the next one who will get those diseases." I don't plan on joining that crowd, or rather will do what I can to prevent it. The stress of caregiving can bring on all kinds of diseases. Both parents had high blood -pressure, which is a major factor in developing VaD, and they had a contentious relationship. Mine is not high and I continually work on keeping a balanced lifestyle and resolution of any issues with people close to me.
I, myself, have CFS/FM which ties me down somewhat, but otherwise am healthy.

Your sis sure hung in there. I understand the feeling of a blessed release for them.
I think Mexico is on the bucket list. Mother, herself, travelled up to her 90s.

MomMandI OMG I read what your saying and so many others. My Mom came to me from an Assisted Living, she was so ill and thought she only had a few months to live. I and my husband wanted her with us. That was almost 3 years ago. She has been doing so much better. She is easy to care for, from bed to TV room BIG 70 inch screen, feed her, bathe her and bathroom assistance. She is very content and has not been sick. Now, I am tired of having my life on hold. We are supposed to be enjoying our time together and doing a little traveling. No other of her children will help. I feel guilty to place her in a Place for Mom but I feel like I am now waiting for either her to die or me. I have gotten relief from Adult Day Care for about 5 months ago but now feel like I am on probation. I can only leave between 9-4 weekdays. No nights or weekends. I shouldn't complain, but I just want some retirement time with my husband.

I appreciate all the honesty. It is really hard to say out loud I want this person to die. I used to like the feeling just knowing my mom was physical still here . And I would give anything to have the mother I once knew and who knew me. If that was the case I would desire her to live forever. But it's not. My mother has no memory of me. When I was in her presence for the most part she was paranoid and suspicious. Has accused me of trying to kill her and also stealing from her. There are no eyes to look into and recognize her love for all of us. There is no voice to say hello or smile in recognition. I know that love transcends these physical and relational losses. Fortunately my mother retired in a home where she could live independently, in assisted living, and now in skilled nursing. Although she has almost outlived her money, she was fortunate enough to been able to pay for a long term care policy so financially it has not been a strain on her family. I know we are very blessed because of this and I am reminded it is one of the many ways she expressed her care and love for her family. Dementia is a horrible disease robbing everyone of relationship and connection. So I hold the memories for her and take one day at a time grateful for all that we had together.

MomMandl, I thought of another thing... Is there someone your Mom has not seen in a while, but may be holding on for that?

The question really is, "How do caregivers survive so long?!" Can you get out of the house for an evening with a friend, to sing and dance and pretend your life isn't on hold anymore? Can you leave when Hospice is in your home?

Patricia1234, do you really think a God of love enjoys seeing all the aging people suffering the indignities of old age, and then watching as their spouses or senior kids now have to deal with all this. I really don't think so. You are fortunate to have a positive attitude, but those of us with negative attitudes are just as loving and caring, but we are not resilient and "lofty" minded. Bless you for being the way you are, and blessed be all who are dying in the misery of being uncared for caregivers.

CrankyBirder, LIVE. Artificial long life expectancy is playing God. We are meant to die when we can no longer function in life.

I've been a caregiver for my 69 yr old husband for almost 4 years now and soon my 84 year old mother. I often wonder at what point when I get older and my own body has deteriorated so much that I can no longer care for myself - would I feel that euthanasia would make sense. I hope it becomes an option in Florida in the future like it is in other states and countries. It would be nice to have that choice rather than becoming a burden to a family member for an indeterminate amount of time. I would not want to make a younger sibling or adult child for instance feel obligated to care for me. The hard part would be deciding when you want the constant suffering to be over. Maybe with so many baby boomers taking care of their parents - the issue will come to the forefront more so than in the past. Do we owe it to our families and society not to become a burden? Is it a sin to choose to end ones own suffering in old age? Something to ponder.

My cousin would just go out to her father's driveway, get in her car but no go anywhere. She just sat and screamed. I never tried it myself.

I have. I have screamed inside my van many times, and wished this burden to be gone. The mother I knew and loved is gone, replaced by a crazy person whom I couldn't stand.

IMO, we owe it to our children to not be a burden to them to the point where we suck the life out of them. We should all plan how and at what stage of health (or lack there of) we want to go, so we don't linger on like a living dead.

Both my parents passed last year from Alzheimer’s. My Mom broke her hip a year before she died. They didn’t want to do rehab due to her advanced dementia- they said she wouldn’t live long. The surgery was for pain control. I asked to give rehab a try- and she walked again! Her last year was a slow decline but she hung in there longer than anyone expected. Living in a state of flux and constantly wondering if this is the end was hard - it must be so draining on you. Hang in there!!!

Hi MomMandl.
No you are not a terrible person for wanting this to all end and there to be no more suffering. I am sure if you could just magicly make everything better you would without a seconds hesitation.
I feel the same guilt with caring for my mum hoping god would end her suffering but it is not because im a bad person it is because i know there is no cure or magic to make it all better and i love her and want my mums suffering to stop.
Stay strong and you wanting it to end is actually i believe LOVE. 💓

My Mom was having severe reactions to her Levothyroxine: constant thirst accompanied with constant urination and constant sweats. At its peak I counted 5 (five) 3.2 Liter bottles of water a day. We changed her shirt about 3 times a day. I lost count on the number of restroom trips. Her doctor didn't believe it was the thyroid medicine, even though nothing else she was taking had those side effects. So my family made the decision with me to titrate her medication down until it could be given up; meanwhile, we tried iodine drops and dietary changes for thyroid. They weren't able to make an appreciable difference fast enough and she started to decline to the point where we thought she wasn't going to make it. Then through my research, I discovered that synthetic thyroid (which is what she was on) does not resemble, on a cellular level, what human thyroid looks like, and I saw both types of cell structure and could see that. But Armour Thyroid is made from animal thyroid and more closely resembles human thyroid (bio-identical) and is better tolerated (by some, not all) than the synthetic, so I asked her doctor to prescribe that. She did and she has been on it, and it's like she has risen from the dead. The thyroid gland affects every cell in the body. This little butterfly-shaped gland in the throat RULES. Okay, slightly slangy hyperbole there, but, it is amazing how much it actually controls in the body! When her thyroxine levels were low, her memory was very loopy and her personality pretty much below the surface. We kept thinking "any day now." Now she is starting to get up and around again, remembers a lot more and is way more like she used to be - and so far, hasn't had those crazy thirsts and constant need to pee. Her bladder fell some years ago so she does have the urge to pee often, but it's not as bad as it was during the peak of her side effects from that particular medication.

My point, I think, is that all the meds that doctors have now can keep a body going for a long, long time. In older days, people were even tougher! We think our parents' generation (often called The Greatest Generation) are tough -- and they are -- just imagine THEIR parents' generation! In New Mexico, where I live, my mother's Mom was a farmer's wife. They grew all their food (except peanut butter and oranges -- those were treats brought by the railroad to the army stationed around the state). They made everything from scratch - and saved everything usable. These were the people that made the floursack undies ("bloomers") Mom wore as a kid. THEY were tough!! But many of them died in their 60's, 70's - and older, of course, but they didn't have the medications of today which would have kept them going, I'm sure!

We need not wonder too much at how our parents continue to live on. Just examine their arsenal of drugs.

Now my Mom only takes the Armour Thyroid and the rest of her meds are herbal.

She is 92 and right now she is destroying my sleep, so I am on the hunt for a better sleep aid. I'm going to try Bach Flower Remedies....

I know how everyone feels - even though it's only been a year and a half since I've taken her on. Caregiving is harder than child-rearing, and I used to think THAT was both the hardest and the most important job in the world. And the most rewarding and the most fulfilling. Nope! For "hard" caregiving round the clock for an aging parent beats that. I took care of my Dad for seven years until he passed. Towards the end, I was metaphorically on all fours from the strain of bearing that up. And one day, an angel came for him and took him out of his misery and mine. He had dementia and was incontinent, but very, very sweet, nonetheless. It was a vast relief for both of us, I have no doubt. It took me a few years to regain my own strength and joie de vivre. I was sapped to the core.

I'm glad I only have two parents because I don't believe I could do this again, and in some ways, Mom is much harder. She is quite demanding and oblivious to the fact that she wakes me three to five times a night. I have been trying to keep my job and am down to three times a week, but I'm not sure....what'll happen there.

I just wanted to share my own frustration and pain because it helps me to read others' stories and realize that there are others who are dealing daily with the awesome responsibility - and some have it far worse - and somehow we can (remotely, through the internet) share our burdens by speaking about them. I wish you all the best!

It is quite obvious that we are all trying to do our best taking care of loved ones, and being honest admit the toll it is taking on us. I don't know what the future holds but I will try to be more positive while making sure I also find an inexpensive way to still enjoy life.

polarbear: I hear ya!

RuthWantsToKnow: She needs thyroid blood work because the mcg dose may be off. I take Levothyroxyine and have the doses tweaked routinely.

Wilma Dean, You are too young to be so confined, so worn out, and--if I may say--so retired.

I am going to make a suggestion that would have sounded unthinkable for me: go to a therapist. When I finally got low enough to lick the floor, I went to a therapist and--WOW! They know what they are doing. He got me back on track!

Ask around. Find someone good. GO--don't think about it too much, just do it!

You mom sounds like what some people call a "tough old bird".
I can't tell you why she's survived so long but can tell you that you are NOT terrible for wanting it to end. Neither one of you has the quality of life you deserve.
I moved my 96 year old mother into assisted living less than a year ago, and before that I had been her caregiver. One month ago I got "the call" that she was unresponsive when they went into her room. While there was a bit of sadness, there was also relief and a huge weight lifted.
The people who know what I had been through for years all seem to understand why I didn't cry and mourn like some other people seemed to expect.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You are going through more than what most people would be able to handle. When the end does come, don't feel guilty about it if you feel relieved.

None of us are terrible to wanting our own personal he// to end while we're caring for our loved ones. Our sacrifices are enormous, and it terrifies me that I'll never recover my physical/mental/emotional/memory health when Mom does pass.

The worst thing is we have no end date when things change and we can move on. We can't plan, we can't decide. There are threads here talk about their parent only had weeks to live, yet they're still here years later.

How many times have the words,"If I only had a crystal ball" on this forum? Those words have rung in my head many times. If I knew Mom had three months left or six, I'd stick it out and even work harder. If I knew she had two years of lingering left, I'd leave. I can't take going through this for another two years.

Big hug MountainMoose💜

I just read back through this thread. I commented early in it about my mom passing away after living a horrible existence after a stroke. There was no doubt she wanted out of this world yet she stayed for four years of misery, her misery, not ours. My dad frequently comments how he’s ready to go, most of his friends and close relatives have died, he’s so unsteady on his feet that he does little everyday, he doesn’t feel involved or useful much anymore despite our attempts to make this better. Anyway, all this brought back a conversation I had with a doctor several years ago. He told he he’d just read a book, wish I’d asked the title but I didn’t, that talked about many years ago people lived a life of hard work then suddenly died, many times literally dropped dead. Contrastingly now we physically labor less as a society, collect more diseases and issues, and die over many years a piece at a time. Interesting huh?

Daughterof1930,
IMO, we have stopped "moving" (hard physical work) and started popping pills for everything (really-everything). If you've got a condition, they've got a pill for it.

Now, that's a good thing a lot of the time because, in reasonably healthy people, it INCREASES the quality of the active, normal life they have.

But, when the pills are SUSTAINING life, where the body depends on them to function, is where we run into trouble. Elders are kept "artificially" alive (they would die without the meds).
As the body further declines, MORE pills are required.

The reason people "dropped dead" in the old days was because their conditions got to the point of killing them. There were no medicines to "save them".

I've told the story of a friend of a friend who took a lot of meds. She was 84. Her doctor told her she would be blind within 18 months. That wasn't in her plan.

Since she couldn't stop the progression of the eye disease, she decided she would control her own destiny. She quit taking ALL of her medicines. She died 7 months later-with her sight, the way she wanted it.

That route is always an option.

My mom went a lot sooner than I could ever have imagined. Now with that said, my mom has been miserable for years and especially after my father passed, she gave up altogether. She had multiple health issues and I watched as they just started taking their tole. You are not a terrible person for wanting it to end. I cannot imagine the stress you are under as the stress I was under while my mom was in NH and hospitals was overwhelming. You want the stress relief and you want your mom's pain to end so she can be in a better place. I felt that way in the end as well. Please don't beat yourself up over feeling that way.

May I ask if any of you caregivers are men? Also, I would like to know how active the aged parent was in their later years.

I have a MIL who is soon to be 97. My husband and I have been looking after our parents since 2001. My mother died of pancreatic cancer. My father died of heart and dementia living in AL. His father died at home after many falls, transports to hospital(s), Rehab -- don't even want to go there. His mother became very inactive for almost 20 years. The old family home resulted in hoarding which my husband and I cleaned out. Four generations of sorting, pitching, giving away and auction. Depressed for sure as her husband was a narcissist. She is in an AL now. Dementia, inactive and the typical thyroid. She is very frail because she has not walked in quite some time. In fact Hospice has ordered in a lift due to concern of the aides breaking the bones around her implant for hip. MIL's organs are still going strong. My husband visits her 3 x's a week. He comes home exhausted. We do not do anything for ourselves....other than watch what is happening politically. Not good.

This post is very helpful to know others are in this circumstance. I am asking about your parents' activity to see if MIL can last until 100.

I agree that the OP should not feel terrible about wanting the suffering to end. That is a normal human reaction to her and her mother’s pain. You cannot manufacture the “correct” feelings. I think we are asking for mental illness if we deny what we feel. I’m not saying all feelings are good, and that we shouldn’t strive to work toward right or beneficial thoughts and feelings, but you can’t do that if you deny what you’re feeling in the first place.
Only Child posted earlier something that was so profound “neither of you has the quality of life you deserve”. We talk a lot about the quality of life of the elderly or disabled, but little attention is given to the quality of life of the person caring for them.
Yes, I believe that physical hard work in the past led people to drop dead earlier than nowadays. I think of my father and mother before they went into the nursing home. My parents were waited on 24/7 by us children, mainly due to extreme mobility issues. They could not take care of themselves and had very few ADL’s, but were as healthy as a horse, while we, some of us working full-time in addition to shifts at my parents, were breaking down mentally and physically. They ate, they slept, they watched TV, took medicine. No stress at all. I don’t resent that, and they couldn’t do any more, but it didn’t surprise me when the doctor said that my father would probably live to be 100.
I don’t understand medical science that says that sitting too much will put us in an early grave. My father has been sitting in a wheelchair for around 15 years with little movement except for his hands and arms, yet his organs are perfectly healthy!

My dad's brother recently turned 103, deciding almost 2 years ago to move into assisted living. His wife died about 10 years earlier after having vegetated at home under his care (and hospice the last 2 years). She lived and lived and was almost unresponsive. He fed her only when she said, "Yes, she wanted to eat." She only drank a sip or 2 of water at a time, but lived and lived some more. He was exhausted in his 90's when she died. How he described his feelings say it so very well -- "Grelief". He's made good decisions for himself, and I'm sure when he is ready to go, he will decide what to do. However not everyone is so lucky, but when he goes, all the family who have not had to lead in his care, will still feel "grelief". Good word.