Why won't my sister help more with our dying mother?

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Why won't my sister help more with our dying mother?

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My two sisters rarely called to check on our mom and me for YEARS, a simple phone call would have been so good for mom... But we are all "The Walking Wounded" in our family because our mom was hurtful, mean, self-centered, and it damaged each of us in different ways. Before dad died in 2008 and our elderly parents were both in good heath, my sisters would visit when it was convenient, one sister visited maybe only once in every 2-3 years or more. I live 20 miles from my parent's house and soon became the caregiver to help as dad got sick and afterwards as mom declined. All in all I did EVERYTHING for mom for the past 10 years and add five more to the years I helped as much as mom would allow (she's a classic narcissist) after dad got sick. I did all this to MY detriment... losing years of quality of my own life. (FYI) However, you said you're mom is "dying". If your mom is definitely diagnosed as in the last stages of her life for whatever reasons... PLEASE PLEASE contact a good local hospice organization. I can vouch for how very much they can help you. They can visit your parent at home or in a Memory Care/Assisted Living or nursing home. It's all paid for by Medicare too! They have many different ways of helping (professional, kind, compassionate nurse visits, vitals monitored, aides for bathing, volunteers just for visiting, and more). My mom is almost 98 now and her assisted living/memory care facility told me about a month ago that I needed to contract hospice because if I didn't, mom would not be allowed to stay there. (She's become more and more unmanageable because of dementia, otherwise she has no major illnesses). In 2008 I managed to get my dad signed up for hospice, against my mother's command not to intervene, and their nurse showed up the SAME day at mom and dad's house. It turned out he was in horrible pain and actively dying. I had been sick with the flu for several weeks and had not been able to check on him. My mother was a very poor, uncaring caretaker, I'm sorry to say. Anyway, the hospice nurse immediately knew he was actively dying and in awful pain and helped him and within only a few hours, my dear dad passed away. His body needed the calming effects of the pain med in order to "let go". I was SO grateful for hospice. Now I'm sick with cancer and of course my sisters are in other states and not even checking on mom or me... but I have hospice and they are visiting and checking on my mom many times a week. They give me updates. They know I'm sick and always tell me, DO NOT WORRY, Suzi... we are able and will care for your mom. You focus on YOU. (Something I've never known how to do... until cancer forced me to start... ). Sincerely, Suzi

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Glow, long after your mother is gone your sister will still be your sister. There are 7 of us siblings, and we got together last year and talked about what could be done with Dad. Some siblings were burned out, some had anxiety or panic issues, some were angry, and some could not get Dad to do anything. We decided that we had to stick together-no guilt or judgement about what anyone could or could not do. We don’t owe Dad anything, except what we are able or willing to give.
It went much better after that.
My sisters and brothers are going to still be my sisters and brothers long after Dad passes (he is 90). He needed to be in assisted living but refused any help even in his own apartment.
He is now in a nursing home with vascular dementia, delusions and hallucinations that he probably had for a few years.
When we stopped “expecting” that each sibling could share equally in the job, everything went much more smoothly.
If you specifically ask for help and don’t get it, then you need to find help from other places. That person just can’t give it.
But you can still love them.

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All if these responses are different versions of the same story. Some can do it and some can’t. Some will do it and some won’t. The whys and the wherefors are wasted energy. If you are Christian you probably know the Martha and Mary story and Jesus’s response.
Here is what I know to be true. I take care of my (79) year old wife of (62) years. I held my Mother in my arms at the moment she died.
I would have never thought I could do either of these things but I wouldn’t have missed it for anything in the world.
It is very hard but with each mess I clean up or each time I bathe my wife, or help her get dressed, or hear her say “I love you “ when she doesn’t know my name, or see her smile at me for some bit of help, I count myself as the lucky one to have been given this chore and this opportunity.
Your siblings are who they are, be it good or bad, but God has shone a special light on you to do what you do and so rejoice in that if possible. Bitterness and hate suck the life right out and leave a terrible void. Love, or at least forgiveness have an uncanny effect on your own wellbeing.

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Every single person has their own view of the world and the relationships and dynamics within that view.

In our family, 6 kids, 6 ENTIRELY different POV's--my elder sister would give you the shirt off your back or a check for $50K w/o asking a question. But, caring for mother? She--can't. Brother is too busy...youngest sister is too....stressed out? IDK

I have a more compassionate gene--well, I used to, lately I think it's been worn out. I am struggling with depression again, and a big part of it is watching my family dissolve under the infighting about mother's care. It's not bad, really, just gets to me that when mother dies, I may never see nor speak to a couple of my sibs again. And that's actually fine by me, the way things are now, I don't care.

You CANNOT make someone care for another person. If they truly care, they'll be there, they'll make the time to call and do.

A lot of people are just terrified of seeing an aging, sick parent. It makes us sit up and realize that we too, are mortal and not going to live forever. It can frighten us, if we don't believe in anything past this life. Some us are truly just too icked out by the daily chores of caring for a failing, sick body. Some of us are just exhausted by the constant sameness of caring for a person who wishes you weren't the one who is there--and you know it, but you still man through the job.

No point in asking "why?" I posed this ?? to my sibs back in Jan when we all met to discuss mom's care, and not a single sib had a decent response. Just not wanting to--that's too embarrassing to own up to. But, that's often the case.

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I just experienced the same and pleaded for a few days of relief to take a vacation with my young kids but siblings denied the help. I am the youngest of 4 and the others wanted to put mom in a nursing home saying they weren't going to be able to devote the time to care even on a rotation basis at her home. My wife and I live 6 hours away from all family and we thought if they can't manage with so much support (extended family), how can we but we moved her in with us in January. It has been very tough but rewarding. She suddenly took a turn as we thought we had several more months and passed. My siblings didn't even come for those final days so I was alone with her and subsequently had to handle all arrangements as they deferred to me. She has been a terrific mom to all of us and took on a lot after my dad died when I was 10. Ironically, the others (much older) were more needy and took advantage of her but when she needed them the most, she only had one kid in the room. I am broken beyond explanation on losing her and praying for peace not to have bitterness towards them. I think they should have been there for her even before she declined as well as helped me deal with the decisions after as I had to return to the funeral home 3 times to get through it. I miss her dearly and am going to seek help for the grief. It was a blessing to care for her and I would give anything for more time but there certainly was exhaustion, frustration and tough days. The hospice team raved about how loving we were to mom as they see the worst. Ironically, my wife and I both go through our minds what we should have done more/better and is taking an emotional toll while those who did less are at peace. I wish you the best and hope I get through this sadness.

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((Hugs Glow415)). When it came time for Mom for to have 24/7 care, my sister & I would alternate weekends. That didn't last very long. Even though I had showed my sister how to turn Mom in bed, change her diaper,bed bath, ect, my sister felt she couldn't do it & feared she might hurt Mom. I understand Nursing/ caregiving is not for everyone. My sister did the best she could & she tried. It didn't change the fact that there was a job to be done & I had to find a capable person to continue caring for Mom.

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Why won't she help? Could be any number of reasons, as others have pointed out.
In the end, the "why" probably doesn't matter.
She doesn't tell you why, either because she doesn't understand it herself or she doesn't want you to know and worry about it or try to change it.
Accept what she agrees to do for help, get other help when you need it, and take that worry off your "to do" list.

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Forgive. Every person has a gift and instinct. You can't force someone to know how to help, or to overcome a fear or aversion to facing a parent's mortality. I one of five. My sister and I are natural caregivers. She cared for our dad when he died of cancer. I'm caring for our mother who is about to turn 90. Our brothers once made a comment about my direct style of communicating. Working in this industry and seeing this ALL THE TIME, I told them I will always do my best for Mom and they can tell me if they want updates or not. Two of the three brothers get dizzy visiting hospitals, the other is single and has very little experience carrying for someone other than his dog. I told them I forgave them for their reaction and we each do what we do best. For instance, little brother invites Mom to share every holiday with his family. Big brother visits Mom every few months. Middle brother calls monthly. Big sister plays an online word game with her every weeknight. And I, little sister, take her to doctors, make sure she can use her cell phone, and fix her computer when she responds to spam. So, I say, forgive and keep moving.

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Glow - I feel your pain. My mom is on her way out as well. One of my siblings hadn't come to see her for a year and half, then shows up for a day and is large and in charge. I cared for both my parents for 10 years with very little help from the siblings. If your sister is not stepping up now, she never will and she will have to live with that. But not you! At the end of the day, it comes down to how you feel about the care you have given and your relationship with your Mom. You worry about you and forget about your sister. Just block it right out.

xo

~ SS

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My sister was not pitching in like I thought she should. Months later she told me she about several of her serious health issues and that she just cannot do it. She is doing all she can and at much sacrifice. Sometimes we just do not know the whole story.

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my mom just passed 2 weeks ago,after a week on hospice. before that she lived with me for four years. i have two sisters living in the same town. one helped as much as was possible, the other one never came near. i have harbored alot of anger toward her esp the way she acted the last week. i was sleeping in a recliner next to her bed, my other sister on a cot. the night mom died we knew only had a few hours, my sister said well you girls are in for a ruff night and left. never told mom goodbye or anything. i am trying to deal with my grief and anger. i have decided i was blessed for the role of caregiver and she is who she is and cant change that. it is hard to see that being a caregiver is a blessing when you are in the middle of it, but it is what it is, you are not going to change her only the way you deal with it.

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I have two sisters in the same town, who rarely visit my Mother maybe once a week.
And two brothers who are in other states who visit when they can. Three of these believe my relationship with my Mother, who just turned 100, to be harmful because I take every opportunity to visit her in her nursing facility, plan to take her to visit overnight in my new home once completed, and pamper her each chance I get now because I know I won't always be able to do so.
This is right for me.
I do what I do because God has given me the opportunity to spend this time with her, which I didn't get with my Dad. I'm making every memory with her that I can now so I will have them for later.
The regrets will belong to others. I am praying you will be able to see it that way too for your sake. You can only control your attitude. If you need help and your sister won't, reach out to the government agencies designed for that. Start with Medicare, VNA and go from there Church organizations, etc.There is help just ask.

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I moved in with my parents when my dad started showing signs of dementia. He went into a memory care facility in May 2017 and passed away in December. I continue to live with my mother, who has moderate dementia and is very frail. My sister was extremely close to my dad, but not my mother. This situation has also brought to the surface deep resentments toward me because my life turned out well and hers didn't. She still works (I am retired, thank God), and has her own family issues. She visits once a week for about 3 hours so I can get out. Other than that, I don't get out at all. I am the one who resists hiring help because I know it will be extremely hard on my mother. Luckily, my mother doesn't require intensive care -- yet. I am taking it one day at a time, and I have made peace with my situation as much as I can. I think these situations bring out the very worst in families (maybe it brings out the best in some lucky ones). I don't think I will have a relationship with my sister when this is over. I think the best thing you can do is try to reconcile this within yourself, give up asking why, and accept that it just is.

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Can your sister pay for an aide, as opposed to taking it out of the "estate"?

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Everyone's circumstances are unique. My brother lives with our parents and he is the care taker. He leaves for work for 4 or 5 hours a day and they aren't able to heat lunch since our mom has moderate alzheimer's and dad is 89 and physically disabled with diabetes. My dad and brother say family is supposed to chip in since mom and dad sacrificed for us when we were younger. They won't get an aid and have stated that (in a sarcastic way) i am too busy to help. I have moved out almost 30 years ago and my husband and,I live ten minutes away. I come over 2x a week, give them lunch, take care of them, and so on. The other day dad was stuck in his chair and demanded i come over to plug in the chair remote so he could get off chair. We are in a position where we have to be at the ready for these types of situations : so the question is, how much is family who don't live with elder parents supposed to help? I am also in charge of ordering their diabetic meals weekly. Am I selfish for insisting they need an aid when brother is at work? How much. IS family supposed to chip in?

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I take it mom is dying at home. Could it just be that your sister feels mom should be dying in a facility and wants no part of what you have chosen to do? My own brother has never visited my mom in her NH, and my sister rarely comes. There is no way in the world I'd choose to have mom die at home since I've had to be the one in charge.

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Hi
without knowing anything about your family dynamics -and just assuming that your goal is to get help from your sister-can you think of ways that she could help you -maybe she is not up to the task of being the caretaker -but could she shop, do errands, laundry etc Some people are good at those types of jobs vs direct caregiving

i know I had to have a slow motion teenage nephew stay w me for a summer -to help me-
it drove me crazy till I got him doing things for me that helped lessen my normal load / freeing up my time
He listened to his music while sweeping patio and cutting grass etc
just a thought

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There does not have to be a why. She can not face the fact that she is losing a parent. That can be difficult.
As has been mentioned give her things that she can do.
I hope you are "paying yourself for services" and if you need to hire another caregiver for a day or 2 out of the week that your sister would be an active caregiver. Obviously this money comes from your parents "estate" and money may be a motivating factor. If she realizes that a "stranger" will be getting money that would be due to her either before or after she might have more motivation to pitch in more than a day.
I also hope you have a Hospice that comes in to help out as well. They would have a CNA that would come in 2 or 3 times a week to bathe Mom, they would order supplies, briefs, lotions, gloves and the Nurse that comes in 1 time a week would order medications that would be delivered to you. You would also get the equipment that you need to make your job as a caregiver safer and easier.

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My husband and I lived with and took care of both his parents for over 14 years (both with dementia), having left our "big boy and girl jobs" to do it. This allowed his sister to retire with full benefits, and she returned home to "help". However, she got very involved in groups, saving the world, and so her busy calendar was always dictating our respite. The last year of my MIL'S life was supported by Hospice, what a God-send! Still had our struggles with siblings lack of time or interest in helping (there is a brother in here too, who is another story, but at least sat with Mom when we asked, but refused to assist with ADLs). MIL passed in March, with her daughter flying to Florida for a 12 day vacation on the day her Mom died. After Hospice said "your Mom probably has 48hrs" two days before. I'm thankful I don't have to live with that decision, but it did throw the funeral planning into a bit of a tailspin at first. Then my husband and I realized we were being blessed with time to reflect and start to recover, so God does allow things to happen for our good ... we may just not see it at first.

Like others already said, not everyone is equipped to do this very tiring but rewarding job of caregiving. And there are a lot of disappointments along the way. But having endured my situation, I can tell you there are many blessings, during and after your labors. Start by seeking outside help, and take care of YOU too! I wasted a lot of time and energy complaining to my husband about his sister not helping like I thought she should. It didn't hurt her, but it definitely hurt me. You can only control what you do, and others will have to live with their decisions. There is an end to your situation; finish strong! (((Big HUGS and Prayers)))

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Glow, you are not alone. It is okay to be upset. I often get upset at my SIL who said she won't help with her mother. I wonder why but then I realize that she also isn't very good at doing things for herself either...I have to remind myself often that she isn't helping because she did try and only made things much worse!
Take care.

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If it's any consolation, my twin brother not only will not help with our aging parents, he refuses to even come for a visit. We have not heard anything from him in about two years and he only lives a short distance away. But my brother is a highly malignant narcissist. Visiting his parents gives him no narcissistic supply. In other words, there's nothing in it for him. He performs many wonderful and benevolent acts for other people because the adoration he recieves from them makes him feel like royalty. I'm completely at peace with it all because I've learned that getting upset over it actually gives my brother some sort of perverse pleasure. So I, at least, deny him that.

I honestly do not completely understand the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) mindset but suffice it to say that I am convinced that there will be great sorrow in his life after mom and dad have passed and making amends will be impossible. I actually feel sorry for him.

I also feel your pain and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I keep the fifth of the ten commandments in mind where we're instructed to "honor our parents." We do this by stepping up and caring for them in their time of extreme need. To fail at this is, to me anyway, is to completely fail not only my parents but even to fail God himself. I truly believe that these are the kinds of things that either come back around to reward someone or to penalize someone - depending upon one's attitude. Please hang in there.

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I certainly feel your pain. My mom lives with us in too crowded conditions and my sister in a 6 bedroom McMansion. She “allows” mom to visit once a year, but treats her like she is in prison the whole time. We could use more time to focus on each other and our adult son who is handicapped, but I can’t force her to give a crap about our mom. It does get my goat how loving and giving she is to her friends, but can’t spare a moment for her mother. She is a great believer in God and Karma, but can’t equate her behavior with these concepts. Hang in there. Get outside help if you can and hope your sister changes.

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Glow- I understand your frustration. i have 4 siblings living that have not so much as even spoken to any of us in almost four years. Except one who calls when I prompt him to.
Some people are not willing, nor do they have it in them to care. I would be ex static if one of them would visit my Mom once a week, Oh what joy.
I have forgiven them that they have been the way they have. Because it was eating at me for a long time that they are out living and enjoying a non caregiving life.
But, you know what, they are missing out. They missed out on the time with my Dad, and now they are missing out on the time with my Mom.
Even though often times it does not feel so good, we are blessed to have this opportunity. This is a true labor of love. I will be praying for you. Don't put your focus on your sister, it will do you no good.
God knows all, and he will hold each of us accountable for our lives, and they will have to answer for their actions.

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I'm in the same boat here..My Mom moved in with me 6 mo. ago and we thought she was dying. Put her on Hospice and she has since been taken off since I took such good care of her...LOL but she can't go back to her home due to memory issues. I desperately need a break. I have a vacation scheduled at the end of the month and really don't want to put my Mom in a Respite Care Facility but when I told my sister that only lives a block away that the only way my Husband and I can go is if she stays here with mom she said its not going to happen. I guess its for the best since she has no patience with our Mom but for goodness sake I have to deal with this 24/7. I feel for you as well.

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I'm in the same boat here..My Mom moved in with me 6 mo. ago and we thought she was dying. Put her on Hospice and she has since been taken off since I took such good care of her...LOL but she can't go back to her home due to memory issues. I desperately need a break. I have a vacation scheduled at the end of the month and really don't want to put my Mom in a Respite Care Facility but when I told my sister that only lives a block away that the only way my Husband and I can go is if she stays here with mom she said its not going to happen. I guess its for the best since she has no patience with our Mom but for goodness sake I have to deal with this 24/7. I feel for you as well.

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bettina, I don't think what you said is harsh at all. My opinion of my siblings has probably changed forever. But in some ways, it's a good thing. I always felt that most of them lorded it over me all my life cause I didn't pursue a "career". I always worked but I've never been a corporate climber. My one sister even had the nerve to say to me when my Mom was dying, "maybe, it's a good thing you never did anything with your life, cause you had time to be with Mom" Ah, a backhanded compliment if I ever heard one. But, I'll take it. I'm happy I could be there for my Mom and I feel that if I was one to believe in leaving a legacy, then that could be mine.

I don't think God would greet anyone at the Pearly gates with a well done, you missed your Mom's funeral, but at least you put in some overtime at work.

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Ask her to help with other stuff, as freqflyer suggests, maybe she can help with
logistical stuff, which can be a real asset. (I've spent countless hours doing research
for a variety of medical devices, procedures, etc) . Or help you with taking up the slack at home like with the groceries, cleaning etc.

If she wont/cant do that, then frankly she's just being selfish. And sticking you with all
the work. I've seen and heard about this type of thing happening a lot. It's hard
facing up to this side in some people. It really sucks when it's your family. I know
for myself, when watching my cousins selfishness regarding their mom's care, I couldnt
let it go. I ended up severing the relationship (not that it was much to begin with)
But knowing that their behavior hastened her death, and furthermore, made her
dying days filled with grief because of their total lack of care, was not something I could forget. I don't want people like that in my life. Maybe that's too harsh. I don't know.

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I can sympathize with your anger Glow. I resented my family members too when my Mom was alive. Unless you are sick yourself or are the C E O of a major corporation no excuse for not helping with a dying parent is good enough and even then a little effort goes a long way. I think it does make a difference why, simply because it's your parent and they sacrificed for you. They missed sleep and put their lives on hold while they were bringing you up so your sister should step up to the plate.

You never mentioned what kind of Mom your Mom was and your sister's relationship with her. Was it good? Cause if it was, then yeah, I feel your pain. I know what it's like. My only advice to you would be don't let your resentment ruin you, cause my Mom has been gone for three years now and I still get worked up when I think of my sibling's lack of help during those last few years. It's over now and I'm trying to mend my broken heart still. That's hard to do when you can't let go of things.

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As freqflyer & cwillie stated, some people are just are NOT ABLE to take care of sick people. So don't spend your time and energy trying to get your sister to take care of your Mom any more that what she is already doing.

Have you asked your Mom's doctor about hospice? Since your Mom is dying, then she and you need hospice to help you get through the final months of your Mom's life. God Bless.

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What difference does it make *why* she won't help, we can all speculate until the cows come home and it won't change a thing. Bottom line is she can't/won't help more than one day a week (and there are plenty here who would envy you that much assistance), just accept it and look for other solutions.

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Why won't my sister help more with our dying mother?

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