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Sun, yes, my mom is in the late stages of Alz/dementia, and her mind at this point is totally gone. I took care of her up until the beginning-middle of last month. She was in respite care, and we were told two days before they were discharging her, and she came home. She became extremely agitated, and could not be calmed. She can no longer walk or stand, but she would thrash around in her chair, or wheelchair, screaming and shrieking the house down off and on all day and night... This went on for 3 full days... I was so overwhelmed having to deal with this, I was shaking. We had no idea whatsoever what to do with her, or how to handle her at all. If I wrapped my arms around her tightly, and held her, she'd calm down, but the minute I moved away she was off again... My nerves were shot. I was completely stumped as to what the hell to do for her. Finally, on the third night, I called 911 to have her taken to the hospital. I had no idea what the hell else to do. By that point, my chest was hurting, and my left arm was going numb and tingling. My blood pressure was so high I could feel the pressure in my face. I was scared to death I was on my way to a stroke. The medic told me that they would probably end up releasing my mother within hours that night... I flipped. I told them that if they tried it, I'd refuse to pick her up. She was completely beyond my capability to handle at that point. I couldn't listen to that godawful screaming another night.

Last year, I told my son that I was coming to the end of my endurance, that I felt my own health had declined so badly that I wasn't sure I could keep up those brutal freaking hours. When I say I worked 80-100 hour work weeks dealing with her, that's no exaggeration. With the exception of a couple hours of snatched sleep here and there, I was literally up around the clock. I was at a state of exhaustion and tiredness that literally made me feel physically ill. I mean, how much more was expected of me, how much longer could I possibly keep that up?

Since my son is on her property and accounts, we tried to get loans at first, to have her placed in a facility. Nope. Couldn't do it. We were told without POA, we couldn't do jack shit, including sell her property...for her own benefit! Every single avenue we tried to get the money to place her was blocked to us for lack of POA! I was at a point of desperation that's hard to describe. I wanted OUT of the damn caregiver role because it was literally killing me, but yet there I was, freaking TRAPPED in it like a rat in a cage because we couldn't liquidate any of her assets! My mom doesn't have nearly enough income or cash flow to pay for a NH out of pocket, so the only thing we could do was sell something, and even that wasn't an option! I was beside myself. I knew I was coming to the end of my endurance, but my mom's stupidity had very effectively caged me in this house as her care giver, whether I wanted it or not!

Me calling 911 that night and having my mom taken to the hospital, then refusing to pick her up was considered 'abandonment' by the so called professionals, and the doctor I talked to at the hospital admitted that from reports he had gotten, I was 'crazy'. Who the hell wouldn't be crazy after all of that? I resented like hell that I couldn't DO anything to place her, for her sake and mine!

Now, this C*NT of superior court treats me like I've done oh so WRONG by my mother, paying her bills! I took ADVANTAGE. I mean, what the hell?? If anybody freaking took advantage, it was my damn mother! First, by telling me that if I moved in here I wouldn't have to pay anything, assuring me that it would be a GREAT opportunity to save money, then changing the rules once she got me here! And again by very effectively TRAPPING me here as her care taker with no recourse whatsoever to have her placed!

Omg, I'm losing my mind. The injustice of this is astronomical. Try and do nothing but right, sacrifice yourself, your sanity, your health, and all you have until you're about to go into cardiac arrest, support your elder financially...and get kicked in the face because you...gasp!...abandoned the poor soul and 'took advantage' by paying their bills, at their insistence, AFTER they refuse you POA! . Can I freaking gag now?
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SA im so sorry and would if I could send you some money this just dosnt seem right you need legal help im in the same position here as my mum is refusing to get POA I will have to show my family this post.
I dont know what to say to you this is just so wrong i cant imagine how you must feel now after everything youve done to help her and now this.
Im sick to my stomach that the law does not protect us and I will after reading this be hounding her for a POA now my family will back me up im sure.

Big hug although that means nothing now just hang in there you have to have some rights this is just awful and a warning to us all on this forum to get POA asap. Its just not fair I feel like screaming something is very wrong with this system just hang in there you deserve peace from all this and it will come. i will light a candle for you and pray you get this sorted.
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This is awful, but thank you so much for all the details of your ordeal; for many of us, this is a learning experience moment. I've asked this question about guardianship and going to court. This is the very thing (risk) I had been forwarned about by an elder law attorney when I considered taking my mom to court for guardianship (she has a notarized POA but would not give a copy to us; her attorney does not have a notarized copy on file at his office as my parents insisted they would have someone else notarize and keep on file at home).

Bottom line is, YES, the courts can do just what happened to you -- appoint a non-family member as guardian and someone else as a fudiciary (I'm told) during an undetermined "interim period" while they investigate the case. The judge could agree to evaluate the case again in 6 mo...etc., etc. Also, they may have your mother medically and mentally evaluated by independent physicians who may or may not consider who previous medical records (by her family physician). They may interview other family members, neighbors, etc. regarding your mothers well-being. All this info is compiled and then considered by the court. I was told by the attorney that she wanted $3500 to file and go to court...sounded reasonable, but no guarantee we would gain guardianship. If she continued to battle the court, then the costs escalated from there and she said could go up...$10K or more.

I said forget it. I too was angry at my mom's secretive behavior with POA, financial accounts, etc. Luckily I'm not her full time caregiver; and my brother and I have decided that we will never file for guardianship if it comes to that, she's on her own and the courts, state, etc. can manage her and use her assets for her care.

If you aren't self-supporting, that leaves you and your son out in the cold. Likely, you won't be evicted from the home; but you will have to manage its upkeep and bills in the interim.

Contact legal aid, make sure you have all records of account transactions, doctor's names, list of assets for her etc. Also, contact attorney specializing in elder law -- sometimes they will give you advice for free or a free consult (thats what I did).

Lastly, do you have contact with your mom? What does she say? Does she know that she will now be under a guardian's care and decision making and that she will "not see you or her grandson again" (this isn't necessarily true, but a good scare tactic can you can use with her).
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I'm starting on the same path mom refuses to go to elderlawyer for durable power of attorney...thanks for your frankness . I agree who the heck is going to take care of our family member the courts seem to go after the assets..Lawyers all want$300 an hour for consultation....Who has an extra $300
when you are dealing with sick family member to talk to see what the courts can do to you??????
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Debra, thanks... I know this all goes back to my mom. I couldn't get her to see reason at all, and she was in total denial about ever declining mentally, or ever becoming helpless. She was offended and pissed off that I would even suggest such a thing! Yet there she was, asking me to commit fraud on her behalf! I mean, wtf? I can't even begin to describe what being in such an impossible situation felt like. I was uneasy, uncomfortable, and totally against what she was asking of me...but, like a dumbass, I did it anyway...for all our sakes!

Somebody freaking shoot me already..
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This is happening because of your mother's refusal to get a DPOA on her behalf. Yes, the court system sucks, but they are following the law. This is a good example of what happens when senors do not set up a DPOA. My advice to you is see of you can utilize an elder attorney on her behalf to establish guardianship. Good luck!
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I had to call my ex husband last night to bring us some food... we have absolutely nothing here, and no way to buy any either. My family is literally going to starve, and so are the animals.

After I lost my job, I got on disability for anxiety. My mom insisted on going with me. My mom asked to speak to the case worker alone for some reason. I I asked her about it, what she had talked abut, but she was vague and blew me off....I thought no more of it... until I got my first disability check and HER name was on there! I went the hell off. I could not understand for the life of me why they put her on there! Now, I can't even use my OWN money for my family because SHE's still on there and her accounts are frozen! I can deposit the check into her account...which I've been doing for years at her insistence, because damn it, she had to have that money, too, but I can't get any of it OUT again!

Because of her stupidity with the POA, and somehow weaseling herself onto my disability checks...god knows what the hell she said to manage that...my family is dead in the water.

The irony of all this kills me. We do nothing but right by that woman, and end up screwed because of it!
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Thanks, V... I am absolutely sick to my soul. I would never take advantage of my mother, spend her money on myself to her detriment. I'm not that kind of person. I highly resent the implication of this clerk of superior court....or is that 'cu*t of superior court?

My God, when I think of all that we've done for my mom, all that we've done to help her, all that I have personally given, my money, my lost job, my effort, my time, my freedom, my future, every freaking thing, working brutal ungodly hours around the clock for her well being and safety...and to get treated this way...it's almost intolerable. I feel like I'm about to snap into a million pieces.

Thanks for the tip about Legal Aid. I'll be calling them today.
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My God the system is at it again. Just as well my husband is not on this site or it would have gone up in flames. I guess you can go to legal aid. Sorry Barbara what an awful situation. I am sure you will find a way. Roast dog for dinner!!!!!!!!!? Feel free to throw rocks at my computer. This was all settled in the buddy system bef.ore you even knew it was happening
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Oh, and yes, I most certainly DO understand that 'fraud' is illegal and wrong...but when I did it at my mothers request, with her full knowledge, how 'wrong' can it be? It's not like she didn't know what the hell I was doing for God's sake! I didn't secretly grab her checkbook and start living large and going shopping, that's for damn sure, and I can prove it.
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