Hi guys, my mom is alone this morning in her apartment while my dad went to the doctor with my husband. Don't say it, why is my sick husband taking my dad. Anyway, I'm avoiding going up to pacify her. She just called me and said, if you come up, call me first because the door is unlocked, and I'll get scared when you come in. First, I have the key, 2nd of all, why is the door not locked, and 3rd they have a dog and 4th there's a concierge in the building. In Florida, there was no concierge, and every courier can enter without a key fob and when she was alone, they left the door unlocked in case EMS had to get in and she was alone because snowbirds weren't there. What is her problem? I should know the answer - I'm 8 floors down from her. Her mother was so much more independent. I'm like my grandmother, independent and loves to putter. My mother was the most independent woman in the world; owned businesses, entertained, traveled etc. until my dad retired. Then she sat in the car and let him go supermarket shopping, etc. Then she got both knees operated on and never did therapy and used a walker because she was afraid of falling. She made herself depend on other people. That's why I'm not going upstairs right now. Plus, she once again sounds moody (she's already upset that I didn't run up there). She has been "pouty" all her life. So once again, please tell me I'm doing the right thing until I see a therapist?
I am very sorry about your dog. I know how you feel because the loss of a pet is a crushing experience. You have my condolences on that loss.
You're wrong about the games you continue to play with your parents though.
Have you considered to invite your Mother downstairs for some tea?
When she calls, treat her like a friend, tell her you are putting the coffee on, come on over.
Will it be funny if dh gets sicker or dies? How about you? The fact you didn’t have children means there’s not a future safety net such as your mom has in you.
Perhaps you find it hilarious that in the event of your and dh’s death, your parents would inherit everything?
Look, you two are the ones with cancer. Meanwhile, the worst your 96 yo dad has is a kidney stone. What happens when your man retires or is force retired by his law firm? What happens if cancer for either of you resurges?
Do you think your parents would step in to feed you?
Maybe your mother and father need some therapy?
Seems to me they never let you leave the nest.
Since 2015 as Maximus1, in fact, she's been posting these exact types of posts.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/why-do-my-parents-feel-its-necessary-to-live-with-us-191655.htm?orderby=recent
As far as you saying, "......and a lot of posters here are criticizing me of how I’m handling the situation and yet you are or were in the same situation and it took you time to fix it."
None of us here have been asking for advice for almost a decade now but doing nothing to change our situations at all!! 😑
Yes, this is a place to "vent" but you can't expect to keep getting the same compassionate advice over and over and OVER again because posters get tired of repeating the same old same old. Especially to someone who keeps complaining for nearly 10 years but doing nothing to change her situation.
Stop telling your parents the truth about your life and start lying and sneaking out like a teenager .
But, once again, her thread is climbing toward 100 responses (I again hope to be number 100; I, too enjoy games). I think so long as we find her entertaining she will continue to be here for us, therapy or no.
I'm glad to hear that you are at that point. How about counseling now?
Might be a good place to start.
For about ten years my parents took over my life. They were the sports years of my boys life. They took my friends over ,they took my children over. I couldn't do anything with out someone in my town telling my parents. I hated those years, and hate talking about them. They where my parents best years of there life, all my mom wants to talk about, is my sons baseball years.
I finally broke away, they disowned me. I'm saying this because some times I get angry at the fact that I let them take those years away from me. In the end I have no one to blame but myself.
As you have no one to blame but you. You need to take your life back. Your parents are going to hate it and be angry. There is nothing you can do the change that.
You need to get therapy on how to get your life back and how to deal with there anger at you for taking your life back!
Then you also have to actually go to the appointments to start to make a change .
Don’t cancel appts to do something for your parents .
By the way, I told them that when my husband can eat again after he heals from radiation treatment, that I will be eating home with him, watching our movies and I will bring them dinner in a pan and leave. It’s very confusing to hear how nice and caring my mother can be and then when you say Mom my husband is really not feeling well enough to relax up here, she becomes upset - it’s so disturbing, and a lot of posters here are criticizing me of how I’m handling the situation and yet you are or were in the same situation and it took you time to fix it.
Sorry for rambling-I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.
I don't think you will because you're in a pattern that you don't seem to know how to break. It doesn't have to be this way.
Firstly, please know that you can't change your parents. If you really want to change your life, you have to change yourself.
1) Stop caring about what your mum says to you. She's not annoying you - you're allowing her to annoy you. You have control.
2) Develop some non-commital phrases to answer your mum when she makes comments that you find annoying. Such as:
"Of course!" in an upbeat/surprised tone.
"Really!" in the same tone.
Or just "Okay" or "Oh well" in the same resigned, but not judgemental, tone.
Then say goodbye. Don't elaborate. Don't allow any situation to expand. You have control.
3) Either cut short the neighbours' calls, or don't answer, or block their calls, or change your number. Whatever seems appropriate. But you don't have to have conversations that depress you. You can stop it. You have control.
4) Build boundaries. You live in the same building, but you have your own home and your parents have theirs. When you visit, make sure that it is a visit and that you are a visitor. Their home is not an extension of yours and vice versa. Make yourself aware of this and don't get roped into visiting more than you want to. It's up to you whether you go up to their flat or not, and you don't need to explain yourself. You have control.
5) Don't prop up your parents if they really can't manage in their own home. Your mum sounds as if she's confused and she is becoming afraid. Sorry, I don't know much about you - if she hasn't already been diagnosed, she could have dementia. That would explain her talking about the unlocked door and feeling scared in her own home. If they can't cope without extraordinary measures on your part, you should stop enabling them and help them to be placed somewhere more suitable. You don't have to be their safety net. You have control.
6) Lastly, you need to develop your own life. It shouldn't revolve around your husband; neither of you can foretell the future, so you both need a support network outside your marriage. Get out, join clubs, make friends. Stop fixating on your mother's behaviour and find other things to do with your time. That would also help to break your mum's hold on you. You have control.
We cannot control other people's behaviour, only our reactions to them.
You have control, so take it.
Romeo is her mother's daughter: they're cut from the same cloth. Nothing will change because nobody, not even Romeo, wants it to.
It’s counterproductive to Romeo’s mental health to “ change her mindset “ and continue to be at her mother’s beck and call. Romeo has been taken advantage of , abused by, and financially supporting her immature mentally ill mother for decades .
Romeo is in this current situation because she allowed her mother to guilt trip her out of going to AL . Therapy is the answer . People have to earn love and kindness .
Go to therapy Romeo, where you will get GOOD advice , rather than this guilt trip .
Right now, you are pouring gasoline on the flames of your mother's personality disorder.
Few of us are interested in this dysfunctional Italian Waltons drama just because it’s so interesting, Furthermore, your “advice seeking” follows a predictive loop in which mommy is mean to you, you then make a face back, and then tell us all about it. You’re even recycling and retelling items. The mistake about them not going into al? The “womb” comment? You’ve said it all before.
At least own it.
Don’t hang a map or anything on the walls , they aren’t staying there. Even Dad said it was a mistake. Don’t put any holes in the walls , you’ll just have to fix them when they move out . Get Dad to agree , this is temporary , no fancy decorating. Let Dad shut Mom down . He needs to step up and put his foot down , mom needs guard rails .
When Mom was going to interrupt your task of the appt for your Dad , you could have said “ No Mom , we have to do the appt now because I’m not staying here to wait . Dad can do measurements later “.
That is setting a boundary .
Don’t get into any unnecessary discussions , like bringing up the map .
You go in , do what you have to do , shut down Mom’s manipulation with the word “ No” . You state what you are there to do , do it , and leave . Ignore the rest of her BS and finish your task and get out .
You need to stop letting her get under your skin and defensive . Turn the table. . I’m going to say it again BACK OFF . When she gives you crap about why you don’t stay and why you are nasty . You tell her that she doesn’t appreciate all you do and have done for her . Don’t fight , yell , bicker or rehash . Tell her you aren’t putting up with her nonsense , and leave . No discussions , do not respond to whatever she says back to you . And she will try , she always does somethlng childish like mimicking etc . to provoke you .
You are at the end of your rope dealing with them . Any chance you could place them in assisted living and sublet the lease on their current place ?
Don’t get involved with furniture and decorating either. That’s a want not a need . Just give them what the need , food and run . No helping them hang pictures on the wall . “ No I won’t do that “. Practice saying it .
Maybe she will decide she doesn’t want to live in your building anymore if you aren’t fulfilling all her ridiculous demands . Wouldn’t that be a nice New Years . If she decides to move out !!!
Also learn the phrase “ I’m not discussing it “. Shut her down . Take command of the situation .
Make an appointment today, please.
This is a way of life in which different costumes are donned dependent on the situation: "Martyr" or "manager". And basically it's about attention, negative or positive doesn't matter--just so the attention's there.
You tell us this in your last post:
"So we went up there tonight and the minute we walked in she said to my husband - you look so cute and handsome tonight and so good and she said it about 3 times - so, I turned around and couldn't help myself and said - oh - really - that's not what you said an hour ago! Tell him what you really think! She said what do you mean - you're just jealous! What the hell is my mother talking about! I said tell him you called him ugly - and she said quietly to me how dare you say that - I didn't say that and why did you say that I said that and hurt him.
WHAT?????
She didn't like that I said your husband has a big nose. I told her she looked at me and said that's mean. Is she kidding me? She doesn't think what she said about my husband is mean and hurtful? If I bring it up again, she'll turn it around on me and say - you know I was joking and didn't mean that."
It seems to me that you love this bickering. You so often START it. You are always determined to FINISH it. I don't really suggest a therapist anymore. I think you love all this, and are absolutely in your element. I think my sympathy now is completely with your parents. But they aren't writing.
Why not just admit you love to bicker?
My only fear for you is that your parents are aged and will eventually pass; I can't imagine where then you will go for fun.
I won't be reading this particular thread anymore. It's too "stranger than fiction".
I wish you luck. I wish your parents even MORE luck. Take care.
Since she has behaviors that irritate you, you might benefit from reading any of the books by Townsend and Cloud on "boundaries". The counsellors outline a proven method to develop a plan to handle each problem behavior when it occurs.
Narcissists have a way of making you jump to their demands. In your case it sounds like come here so I can smack you. She gets off on abusing you.
You can continue with this charade and complain or STOP THE MADNESS!
I would be happy to hear a post where you just haul off and give her a good piece of your mind and stop the nonsense of feeding into her crap. You don't have to yell and scream, but give it to her in a manner where she knows you mean business. Start giving back her crap and then ignore her. Abusers need a recipient. If you notice, they don't pick on people who they know will stand up for themselves. They pick on the ones who they know will keep coming back with no complaints.
You should have simply said , “ I’m not coming up , gotta hang up now .” And hang up .
Stop being her puppet .
Your mother is not going to change. She can not be reasoned with . You need therapy to change how you let her control you .
She is not going to be happy when you try to set boundaries . She will double down on her nastiness . You start limiting the amount of time you spend with her . Back off . Have groceries delivered. If you are making meals , drop and run . The more nasty she gets the less you speak to her .
When I joined this forum, I was done with the way things were going in my life and needed a change.
I am wondering if you have accepted the fact that, Your Life Is Out Of control, and if you really want to change.
Honestly I don't see someone that is really ready and willing to change, to accept help.
With that being said, therapy at this point is a waist of money and time. Until you really deep in your heart want thing to change, there is little to nothing anyone can do for you.
Also, I told her he has a PET Scan tomorrow to see if his cancer is in remission. Just lovely! I'm trying to brush it off and say she is insane.
So we went up there tonight and the minute we walked in she said to my husband - you look so cute and handsome tonight and so good and she said it about 3 times - so, I turned around and couldn't help myself and said - oh - really - that's not what you said an hour ago! Tell him what you really think! She said what do you mean - you're just jealous! What the hell is my mother talking about! I said tell him you called him ugly - and she said quietly to me how dare you say that - I didn't say that and why did you say that I said that and hurt him.
WHAT?????
She didn't like that I said your husband has a big nose. I told her she looked at me and said that's mean. Is she kidding me? She doesn't think what she said about my husband is mean and hurtful? If I bring it up again, she'll turn it around on me and say - you know I was joking and didn't mean that.
Let's put it this way, my husband isn't Clark Gable and I'm not Sofia Loren, but do we have to say it?
She also said before all of this I feel sorry for Dad. I said why? He had a great life traveling, even though he had problems. Why does she feel sorry for him? He's 96 years old and complaining about everything - what is she talking about?
I really think she's going insane!
I don’t think she’s afraid to be alone . It’s an excuse . She is manipulating you to be with her to be abusive to you.
This is her fuel . She’s not happy unless she has you jumping to serve her and to criticize . She sounds like a narcissist .
She will never be sincerely nice to you . When she is nice it’s fake . She’s only nice to try to get what she wants , and when it doesn’t work she is mean and gas lights you .
The phone call about the door being unlocked means she isn’t scared . If she was scared she would lock the door .
The entire phone call was a hint to make you go up to her apartment .
It is hard to accept that your parents change.
not having a go but you do sound a little harsh /mentioning that not to have a go but to highlight your no nonsense for a word approach msy be sending her into a panic
why not ask the others to ask her why she gets nervous when you visit
you may not be aware of a behaviour that may. Be generating that in her
Is she scared of you telling her off or something and need to correct or do something before you come in ?
there could be all sorts of reasons
that may not be logical to us but are to her and need pacifying
old age is frightening
I had less patience with my dad than my older sister and it took me a while to see how relaxed my dad was with my sister and how he was more I wouldn’t say nervous but agitated with me as I had less patience
so I amended my behaviour
slowed down a bit and spoke calmer and softer and the whole dynamics changed
life is easier and more pleasant for everyone and my dad has bounced back to his old self
I thought we had lost him
you also may see a return to former self if you are able to help her a bit
good luck