I am always surprised at the number of people on this forum who are unable/unwilling to set boundaries with a parent. Is it because of a lifetime of conditioning by the parent or do you feel it is disrespectful to just say NO to a parent?
My father was terrified of his mother. I am sure this was due to a lifetime of conditioning by her that she was always to be kept happy or there would be heck to pay. And as a child, you have no choice, but once you are a fully functioning adult, what is your excuse? He was a businessman, married with a child and a nice home. He lived 50 miles from his mother. He did not rely on her for anything, yet he was terrified of displeasing her. And he expected my mother and me to follow along. My mother was a very tolerant person, she did not get mad very often so she put up with a lot. I was a mouthy kid so I would say something to my grandmother if I felt she crossed a line. I found she didn't run roughshod over me as much as she did others because I would push back. Didn't know it at the time but I was setting boundaries that my father couldn't.
As an adult woman, I did not rely on my father for anything. I was not afraid of him as he had no power over me. I set a lot of boundaries with him as he aged. And he tried hard to break every last one multiple times. On occasion he was successful and I was mad at myself for allowing it. But that would just reinforce the need for me to have boundaries. He was well taken care of in his last years but not at the expense of me sacrificing my life (although on some days it did feel like it).
Why are boundaries so hard to establish?
The gaslighting has you second guessing your own lived experiences.
When I read Susan Forwards book Toxic Parents in the 1990's, I finally felt I had permission to set boundaries. And I do.
But I live in a smaller community and regularly hear from other people how Mum or Dad is bad mouthing me for holding firm on my boundaries. Even to the point of missed employment opportunities, do to their actions.
But I continue to hold firm.
She would cycle through her bag of tricks, blaming me or refusing to accept the blame herself; minimizing my feelings; acting like a victim; saying that I was way too sensitive; or going into a big rage & having a meltdown that I would have 'the nerve' to set down rules of my own.
My mother would often ignore my boundaries altogether because she didn't recognize them as being 'valid'. Or she would constantly test me to see if my boundaries were weak so she could bust through them and say SEE! I knew you were weak and I could get my way! HA!
Setting down and keeping boundaries with certain personality disordered types can be SO exhausting and time consuming that the 'child' gives up eventually. We throw our hands up in surrender and the parent wins, which was their goal all along. Only the strongest survive the onslaught of tricks thrown at them to break down the boundaries they try to install in the first place.
That's why it was SO HARD to establish boundaries with my mother in the first place. She didn't want them, they cramped her style. And her style was ME ME ME ME ME. Only My needs matter, not yours or anyone else's. The world must revolve around ME and your rules prevent that from happening.
Yes, I think it must be a conditioning. My parents took no disrepect from us and we followed their rules. But when we turned 18 we were aloud to fly away. Make our own lives. I never remember them saying we needed to be there for them or take care of them in their old age. As much as my MIL kept after my DH to move near her, we never did it. She found out years before that I was #1. Not that he didn't do for his Mom but my wishes overrode hers. And she was a passive-aggressive person but her sons new how to handle her.
Really, how can you be afraid of someone who can no longer do for themselves. I don't think honoring your father and mother meant to be a door mat. As adults, we deserve as much respect as they do. And we should demand it. I like what Burnt said in a responce earlier "Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn". Same with an abusive parent. We can always walk away or say "Not taking anymore abuse, so looks like a NH for you".
I think some of the problem is people go into Caregiving with rose colored glasses on. Those ads on TV make it look like its so easy. Also, some leave themselves vulnerable by leaving jobs and moving in with the parent. How can they walk away when they have given up everything. Options should be looked at before you ever consider doing the caring. Mom moved in with me because that was the only option at that moment. I knew if I sold her house and used her savings, I could get her into an AL for 2 yrs need to get Medicaid. It took 2 yrs but I was able to get her into an AL. I was also able to get her into adult day care why she lived with me. I never planned on being her Caregiver for the rest of her life. I had done for my parents since I was able to. Always the child that was there. So no guilt in placing her.