Why don't my 3 sisters help with 88 year old dad with dementia?

The painful reality is that you have selfish siblings and they aren't required to help care for you dad. So, try to ignore that aggravation and ask yourself what you need to do to help yourself. I hear in your question that you fear for your dad's and your own safety as well as your home. You are at a crossroad in the care of your dad, and clearly his needs can't be met by you alone. If he doesn't have the money to pay for people to come into your home to care for him and you are feeling overwhelmed by his decline, it is time for dad to be taken care of elsewhere. This is what he needs and this is what you need. You obviously love and care for your dad, so make sure that he is in a location nearby so that you can raise the quality of his time on this earth to the best possible. If he has the money for care (from you and others), make sure everything is in writing so that if in future, you place him in a facility and Medicaid is involved there is clear proof that he hasn't gifted you any money.

Then get your Dad evaluated for care or hire in home help. What your sisters are doing is unacceptable. I'm so sorry for your loss. If it were me, I'd be knocking down my sister's excuses with reasons like the fact that this man is your father for ALL OF YOU and the fact that it's 2 HOURS of "their" time to watch him. And if they can't be bothered to help physically watch him, tell them you expect them to start paying, yes I said paying, for his care. No one has the right to act high and mighty with entitlement when it's their parent that needs help as well as their sibling.

Doubt if you're going to get anywhere with siblings. Keep in mind that you, none of them, offered to let him live in your home. More than likely they would have been okay with just putting him in a facility. None of them inherited the caretaker and empathy gene. What readers here don't really know is, did dad sell his house and move in with you and has been using the money for his care or household expenses. Although still not right, they may think you benefited from his moving in so it's all on you.

Not sure what the finances are, but if there's money use it to pay for someone to come in a couple of hours a week...or a couple times a week. You may also talk to his doctor to find out if there is any kind of home health he can order to help you out with Medicare/Medicaid/Health Insurance help.

You are only going to get more frustrated and do harm to your own health to keep arguing with the siblings. You can try demanding, but it appears they already drew a line in the sand.

I am So very Sorry you have Siblings so Selfish who Obviously Don't want to get Involved or even Monetarily,Momentarily, Don't see a Reason to.
I see you May need to eventually take Mature Matters in your own Hands, And Put Dad somewhere where he can get more Professional Care. It sounds like he has Alzheimer's and this only gets Worse in Time...
make arrangements too, If this might happen down the Road, So Medicaid won't Take all of his Money, honey.

The moment he dies...they will all show up like circling vultures waiting for a piece of the estate money pie. Guaranteed.

Before I finish reading all the other posts, I DO have to address this one:

"Oh, and yes, my sister does come to the house now and then....when she wants money."

The correct response would be "You brought this on yourself, it is YOUR responsibility." Close and lock the door and let her go sort it out for herself. It IS your house, you don't need to let her in.

The reason for the above:
I know that might sound cold, but it IS reality. I will add that while there are many families whose members all chip in, maybe not totally equally, but they do what they can, there are many more who behave like your sisters. You can make things worse for yourself trying to resolve this "fairly", being angry and/or frustrated, wishing for more help. None of that will work. Cut your losses and move on. Being angry only hurts you, not them. And I do MEAN close/lock the door on her. She isn't there to visit dad, so don't let her in. I would probably tell to be sure her hand isn't in the way while I close the door....

Siblings who don’t help is both incredibly common and horribly painful. At this point be sure you have your father’s power of attorney and health care poa so they can’t try to take over at a later date when they know nothing, and if there is any money involved, consult an attorney and be sure that they can’t interfere with your ability to make all decisions for your father and how to spend his money.

Your sisters have have proven that they don’t care and won’t help, so you need to make sure that they can’t do you or your father any harm. Sometimes when money is involved people make horrible decisions in order to benefit themselves. They lack empathy so don’t expect them to have integrity.

I’m sorry you have these kind of sisters. I always thought my problem was that brothers don’t help, but in truth it’s that many siblings of both genders don’t help. And they get support for their attitude because we live in an age when helping others is often labeled co-dependent behavior and those who don’t bother helping congratulate themselves on their mental health. Even my therapist tries to label me as codependent for taking care of my mom with dementia, until I point out that no one is addicted and no one is enabling anyone to lead an addicts life. I’m simply taking care of the person who I love and who loves me. She didn’t choose dementia. I’m not enabling her to have dementia.

You absolutely need help, so you will have to pay for it. Your father’s money should pay for a caregiver to come in to give you time off and to make leaving your father safe. If money is a problem, then you have to look into what Medicare and Medicaid will pay for, and you can meet with your sisters to see if they will contribute when faced with the reality of the situation.

And the reality is that that you can’t do this care on your own anymore. Don’t wait until you’re too sick to sort it out. Make a plan now.

NorieV;

Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband - many sympathies to you.

You are VERY good person to have taken your father in when he needed the help. It is clearly a huge burden even when you have help and now you are grieving and struggling. You do need to seek out assistance (non-family) or find dad a nice place to live out his remaining years.

Don't hold your breath on your sisters having any change of heart. Don't harbor anger at them, it will do no good, and can end up making everything worse for you. Focus on doing what is best for you and your dad and forget about them. They are not worth even a few seconds of thought. One would think family would come together in times of need like this, but clearly these two are selfish, self-absorbed, and clueless. You will not be able to change them, you can only change how you deal with their ignorance.

Also, understand that the things dad says and does come from his condition, not his heart. As others have said and it is well documented, generally the person they see the most is the one who is the target for this behavior. When we decided it was time to take mom's "wheels" away, my YB did all the talking and took the car key. On the way out, I said (out of earshot) I know she has another key, can you disable the car. He pulled the battery cable. The very next day, at a memorial service for my ex (went for my kid's sake), she called - I let it go to voice, then went outside to listen and return the call. She angrily accused me of taking her car key and wanted it back! I told her I never touched the key, which was the truth. The next day I got an even nastier call demanding I get down there RIGHT NOW and fix whatever I did to her car!!! Clearly she DID have another key and tried to use it! I told her, again, I never touched it. Around the time dementia started, I was the one she saw/talked to the most, so I get all the blame!

I plan to continue reading the posts here and if I have any other suggestions, I will post again. In the meantime, while searching for assistance or a facility, please take some precautions, such as:

* remove the oven and stove top controls so he cannot turn them on.
* use child safety locks on cabinets/drawers where you store "unsafe" items like knives.
* the microwave (and possibly the stove and washer/dryer if they are newer models) has a child safety feature:
  - press/hold the Stop/Cancel button for about 3 seconds.
  - This will lock the control panel so he cannot turn it on.
  - Repeat to unlock.
  - Install (if needed) locks on areas to keep him out of (such as a basement to reduce chance of falls.)

Back to reading...

NorieV my sincere condolences on the loss of Your Dear Husband Rest in peace. You were Both wonderful to bring Your Dad into Your Lives and care for His needs at home in Your own home. As other Caregivers have said dismiss those Siblings from Your mind and concentrate on Your needs also Your Dads. Indeed most of Us Caregivers Who have been on the journey of being 24/7 Carers X 365 each year because Our Siblings shyd away from their responsibilities but then it takes a special type of Person to take on the Caregiving role and so many do not have it in them. We did it out of love which is the best reason. You definitely need help here since You are in mourning after loosing Your Husband recently. Contact a local Nurse and try to get Your Dad into restbite care for a month to give Yourself time to heal and catch up on lost sleep and lots of rest then You can decide on Your next move with regards Your Dad.

Is your name 'PATSY'? -  because that is what your sisters are making you into - I'm guessing you never have stood up to them too much

Just because you kindly offered to help your dad doesn't mean that your sisters are absolved of helping & don't buy their excuses - get care to come in to help dad & bill him for it - even if he doesn't pay now it will be a debt against his estate but document it up the yingyang

If dad can pay then start getting more help for both of you sakes

Hi Norie, please turn off the breakers or unplug the appliances before he burns down your home.
Siblings can be very selfish.
And they can also have their own issues.

So sorry for the loss of your husband. It must be a difficult transitional time for you.

I dodnt read read all the replies. I urge you to get the dangerous appliances “ broken” he won’t know why they don’t work and you won’t lose your home in a fire.

Norie, good news that you are getting some help.

Can I recommend that you get some you time covered as well as your needs. You should have some time for you that isn't just for health and grief care but some frivolous things like lunch with girlfriends or a massage, manicure or whatever makes you feel pampered.

You can also hire a housekeeper and yard service to help you from dads money, those expenses are all part of living life, they are not gifts and would not affect Medicaid if he ever needs it. You will be so much less stressed knowing that the heavy lifting is being taken care of by paid pros.

Take care of you! HUGS!!

Girl I have 4 siblings that live hr to two hrs from my parents like pulling teeth to get them here to visit guess some people are selfish and some just can’t handle certain situations but but your sweet bottom when dad dies they come running

Norie,

Your Mom would be so proud of you. Everyone dreams that their daughter might be so kind, generous and loving.

Your strength and perseverance through these difficult times is admirable.

The world needs more more people like you!

Dont let anyone convince you that you did anything wrong with your siblings. You are not their “patsy,” They are acting with selfishness and negligence toward their father. You are rightfully disappointed.

Make sure to take good care of yourself. Give yourself the breaks and kindness that your siblings should be providing.

Your sisters are mean and selfish and you need help - now. Please face the fact that you must take care of you FIRST. Since no one seems to want to help, you must face the fact he must be placed into a facility for his safety and your sanity. I don't know the financial status but this calls for a meeting with a good eldercare attorney for advice, etc.

Noriev - responses to responses, and then some!

1)
"Then he kept the burner on "click, click, click" letting the gas spread into the room."
Ahhh, the gas stove... Well, the control lock method probably doesn't apply there. I thought about asking when I was typing up my response. I havn't dealt with a gas stove in a long time, can you remove the control knobs, so he can't turn it on? If you can, take them off/lock in a cabinet/drawer (easier than shutting off the gas each time and less exp than replacing with electric.) Although he was using the flame from one to start the other, certainly make sure matches and lighters of any kind are locked up too!

2)
"You make me laugh Disgustedtoo!"
I try sometimes - laughter IS one of the best medicines. Do try to keep your funny bone in shape. I almost lost mine when hospitalized for almost a month!!! Getting hard to be cheery these days too, for different reasons...

3)
"But by closing the door on her, it will not help matters."
  Well, maybe not close the door on her, but DEFINITELY on giving her ANY of dad's money (she shouldn't get any of yours either!!!) I cannot seem to locate the comment I posted about suggesting you get guardianship/stewardship for your dad, so I'll give a brief explanation:

  You said you were all assigned as POA - that could become a real problem. If they decide to go withdraw monies without asking for it (having POA can facilitate this!), it will count against him if he ever needs Medicaid (it will be considered gifting - big No No.) If you decide to find a facility (or even paying for aides to help you both), they can fight you because they have the "power" - IF and ONLY IF the POAs are set up hierarchical (one is primary, the others take over when primary/preceding POA can't perform the duties anymore) it might be okay, but I highly doubt it is - sounds like you're all appointed equally.
  Guardianship overrides ANY POA and grants you all the powers you need to manage everything and make the final decision(s), going for aides now, and if you decide to go facility in the future - they won't be able to stop you (well, they could fight it, but that will take a lot of money for a lawyer!) This isn't to shut them out, but rather to protect your dad, his future, his assets and yourself! If you make decisions to pay aides or a facility, they could try to prevent it (Many siblings who don't help do this! They want the assets to remain so they get a bigger piece of pie in the end!) Dad's assets can be used to pay the ECA and court costs to make this happen. Note - they could attempt to fight this as well, but again, it will take a lot of money to hire an attorney!

4)
"If I can get my dad to listen to the aide, then maybe things will be better for me. Right now, dad does not listen to me at all. He says he can't hear me or that I am mumbling. A lot of times I use hand gestures LOL."
 Is it selective hearing or hearing loss (or a little of both)? Selective hearing, that'll take some creative thinking to work around (suggest he NOT do something you want him to do? Write it down? Or are we just dealing with the patient-caregiver tug of war.)
 He just might be more cooperative with another person (as he treats you badly, but sweet talks your sisters.) Our mom has a bad hearing problem, so to help I bought a Boogie Board on Amazon (many MANY offerings) - it is an LCD "tablet" you can write on with a stylus (fingernail or any non-writing pointy object) and then clear with the push of a button. Even still, she will try every trick and response a 3yo would when we have a doctor appointment to get out of going!!! Final word is mine, I pull up my mommy socks as say sternly get your coat on and let's go! She'll then say she has to go to the bathroom - after she's done, she comes out, sits in the nearest chair and we have to start over again! Hand gestures DO come into play!!! :-D

Hi Norie,

My mom was sick on and off for most of my life and she passed in April. I have two older brothers who did nothing. When she passed, they did nothing as well. I am the executor and have done everything on my own. I was lucky to have a cousin who stepped up and offered to help me. I know it absolutely sucks that your siblings are not helping you but ultimately you have to focus on taking care of yourself. Don't expend your energy on trying to logic out their reasoning, you can't. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you have friends or can find volunteers who can help, accept the help from wherever you can.

My heart goes out to you. If you are your Dad's POA, can you maybe put him in a facility where they are equipped to help someone with dementia and so that it takes the strain off you? It would be safer for him and you. I know it's a difficult thing to have to do but I'm sure your dad wouldn't want this for you.

Please, please take care of yourself, your husband and father would want you to do that I'm sure. Big hugs!

Because we don't know the history between your sisters and your father it is only a guess... but I guess that it could be the relationships weren't healthy. For example, if your father was abusive towards your sisters during their lives it would explain their lack of interest in the situation now. It is only a guess, but sometimes this is the reason for an apparent lack of concern.

NorieV asks a great question.
Do not insult her by playing devils advocate.
She would not have written if she wasn’t tired!!!!!
Most siblings are a POS.....I know!!!!!

Ugh, nothing like having lazy good-for-nothing sisters who won't lift a finger to help you in your time of need. That is just disgusting, I must say. I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your husband, what a terrible time of grief you must be going through right now. And then to top it all off with your dad suffering from severe dementia, it's all just TOO much to deal with. Please get your dad into an ALF, right away! The ALF/Memory Care place my mom lives in DOES allow cats, and they also have a lovely garden for the residents to stroll in. More importantly, the doors are locked so they can't wander off; there are no dangerous cooking devices in the rooms to get burned with, there are activities specifically geared towards people with memory issues, and on and on. Only 24 residents live there, so the care is phenomenal. They serve meals on red plates (to stimulate appetite; dementia folks can forget to feel hungry) and offer residents a choice of 2; no menus to create more confusion. They shrink their world to fit the disease, so the burden of choice is relieved and life gets simpler & easier. You, of course, can visit dad daily if you'd like, but still be able to go home and KNOW that he's safe & you're free to grieve alone in peace. Please don't kill yourself in the process of making this decision...........it's the right thing to do to place your dad and you can feel GOOD about doing so. Check out a few places and go from there. This is a very hard time of life for you and you need to find ways to make things a bit easier for yourself. God forbid something happens to dad in your house & you'll only wind up feeling even WORSE, you know? At least in MC you can sleep at night knowing he's safe.
All the best.

It makes me just sick to my stomach to realize how nasty and vicious and selfish some family members are. But I have seen it all and it will never stop. First of all, since no one will help you, YOU are going to have to take control of the situation and let them be dammed. First of all, do you have a Power of Attorney and Health Care POA? If not, get that at once. Does this man have a will? If not, talk to an attorney about that and for what it is worth, I would see that the other family members who would not help get nothing more than $l.00 (so they can't contest the will). You must get advice from an experienced eldercare attorney - now. Second of all, given your dad's mental and physical condition, and seeing your circumstances and difficulties and the problems it is putting on you, you have absolutely no choice whatsoever. You must place him somewhere at once. Do not wait - do it and don't tell anyone - just do it and then tell them or you will have more problems. Good luck. You don't deserve what you are getting and you are NOT SELFISH. YOU HAVE BEEN AN ANGEL TO PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP.

Sometimes people are more willing to "take over" than to "help". Ask your sisters which one of them is willing to take your Dad in. Did he have any money? Perhaps a assisted living would help since he can still walk. After a few months you might consider selling your home and moving into an apartment. The argument about it being your responsibility since you invited him in is bogus. You had a husband then, and your Dad wasn't that bad at the time. You did 5 years now it is someone another's turn absolutely. Who has the POA? There needs to be one while he is still lucid to sign it. You have done enough. Let yourself off the hook.

NorieV I hear you. I think you either move him to a memory care facility if he has the money to do so, or you hire caregivers to come in so you can get out. Does he receive social security benefits? Have any savings? Start using it.

My therapist gave me a great piece of advice years ago, "for" not "with". You are doing this "for" him not "with" him. You still have a life. Use whatever money he has and hire a caregiver. If your sisters aren't happy about that, tough. If they aren't going to help then you need to pay for help and you are going to use his money because it's for him. Hang in there.

NorieV;

"DMV took away his DL but he still drives. He won't let anyone touch his keys."

If he keeps the car locked, you will have to try to snag the keys when he is asleep or otherwise preoccupied and have someone disable the car - pulling the battery cable works, but not sure if he'd be wise enough to figure that out - if so, find a way to have someone install a kill switch. When it is set, no one can start the car. If he doesn't lock the car, these tactics can be done without a key, but he will need to be "preoccupied." If you have AAA they can unlock it for you (again, done when he is elsewhere!) or just have it towed to one of the siblings places where he can't access it. If you don't have AAA, it might be worth signing up (a one-time tow might end up less expensive depending on how far one has to go.) Towing *might* be an issue without the key because the steering column could be locked, need to get it to ACC to unlock that (again, can you snag the key when he is busy or sleeping and make a copy for yourself?)

You *really* need to pursue this before his injures or kills someone, including himself!

If he has enough assets to pay for MC, there should be enough to hire help in-house. While it can eventually become more expensive hiring help, if it isn't needed 24/7 it could be less than MC. His assets would probably not allow for Medicaid, so you'd likely have to "self pay", but use HIS funds for this. Sisters don't like it, they can "volunteer" more time taking care of him!

He may eventually become too difficult for you to watch over, and it could be sooner than later. You should be actively checking out places and if there are any you like, get on the waiting lists!

NorieV says: "My sisters were shocked to find out how much this costs."

Funny how those dollar signs can wake some up! When we were checking places for mom, I was aware of costs having done my homework. We had already tried starting with a one hour sanity/med check - she didn't need help yet, but get it started and bump up as needed. Nope. Refused to let them in. Brothers were CLUELESS!! We went to one place, then out to get a bite and discuss. BOTH immediately said Geez, for that kind of money, I'll take her in.... Never happened though, which is a good thing! I told them I would not take her in, but if they wanted to I wouldn't stop them, but they needed to understand what they were getting into.

Glad to hear that he is enjoying his "attention." Sometimes men are a little easier that way (not always!) Probably just as well the sisters don't help - they likely are clueless about how to care for someone with dementia. If you haven't been there or don't take the time to research it, it will be a disaster! As long as it is his assets paying for the help, you are getting a break and it is working, I would continue with that unless/until he needs to move to MC.

As for the car, I know it isn't easy. It is difficult to get a doctor or DMV involved around here, but all too often it makes no difference. Sometimes it is just stubbornness and/or insisting they (doc/dmv) don't know what they are doing, sometimes they just forget they were told not to drive. I knew we had to take the car away, YB did all the talking and took her key. On the way out I told him I know she has another key, and asked him to disable the car. The cable was sufficient for her - she wouldn't know what to check. Sure enough, next day who gets the nasty call about taking the key? ME! I told her I didn't touch it, which was the truth. Second day, nastier call for me to get down there and fix whatever I did to her car (so I was right, she HAD another key!) Long story short, I had to listen to her whine and complain about us taking her "wheels" for about 6 months. But I don't go far... No you don't but you could go 2 feet and hit someone and lose everything! Later she would moan that the worst thing she did was give up her "wheels"! So at that point she thought SHE gave it up! The blown tire (she said she had a flat, but it was split from the rim to the ground) and the various little pieces missing/damaged plus the white stripes on both sides from the garage door were the clues it HAD to go!