My mother who is 89 moved in with my husband and I alittle over a year ago. She is healthy but her eyesight and hearing is poor, even with her hearing aids she can't hear well. I am at the point where I can't even stand being in the same room as her. I am overwhelmed with grief over this. When I was in my 20's and 30's we were very close (we did not live together) and always promised her I would always take care of her. Now I am taking care of her and I'm so unhappy. We've had "the talks" where I had to set boundaries and tell her she already raised me and didn't need to know everything I'm doing and everywhere I'm going and when to wear a jacket and when to comb my hair. She also gets very upset when I spend a day with my husband (on his day off) and she is not invited. Mom is very sarcastic and will also say what's on her mind.She is manipulative which I've tried to stop her from being and sometimes negative. I feel guilty because I feel the love I had for her is no longer there.Is it because my world has been turned upside down now that I no longer have my privacy and can no longer do what I want when I want? Do I resent her being here? I know I am burdened with the feelings of not wanting her to be alone too much, not wanting her to eat alone,etc. but she does not want to make new friends at church and she just basically wants me all to herself. I'm 57 and have MS and don't feel well most of the time but when she walks in the room I tighten up, put up a wall and just feel like I'm burdened because I feel as her daughter I should be focusing on her and her needs. I try to take care of myself, exercise when I feel up to it but lots of time I hide in my room just to get away from her. I just don't want to be around her and it's killing me. As I write this I am in bed, sniffling because we had a little fight, she said something sarcastic and I got mad and snapped at her, then she cried. So I ended up going to my room, getting into bed and cryed. Why don't I like her anymore? My 30 year old son said I need to find her an apartment but I just can't. I promised her I would take care of her but I know she sits in her room and is lonely. Why can't I bring myself to feel sorry for her when all I feel is burdened and guilt?
The answer to me seems so simple -- un-nail their feet from the floor and move to a community where people are the same age. If we change our thinking, we would just see this as another milestone of life. The way it is now is that a family caregiver often has to donate the years they would be going overseas or our RVing to staying home taking care of parents. If they don't do it, they are called selfish for not taking care of the parents. With lives going upward to 100 years now, we really do need to change our thinking on things. In the old days, elders tended to do okay until they were taken by something like heart attack or stroke. Now they can have that same event and live another 10-20 years. It is too much of a commitment from a caregiver to satisfy their parent's desire to not move. Really, if we consider the trade-off, it is most unfair. Why should someone donate 10-20 years of life so their parent doesn't have to move? (You know, I feel selfish saying this. I'm still caught up in the old logic that kids need to make their parents happy, whatever the cost.)