Why do I find it so heartbreaking to watch my parents decline?

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Why do I find it so heartbreaking to watch my parents decline?

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So many sad stories. I am wondering why some of you do not place your loved one in a nursing home. At that stage they should qualify for medicaid if they cannot pay. It can make visiting much more pleasurable when you actually visit and not perform hands on care giving. Even when loved ones are in a residence which takes care of the hands on, you will find that there is still a lot left that you still will be doing, but at least you will be able to take care of yourself.
How many parents would be horrified if they saw their children in such states when it could be remedied with a placement.
One of my friends did just as you are describing around neglecting their own health. She was care giving for both parents and working from home. Her father died, her mom became more in need, and my friend had a massive MI, spent a couple of days in ICU while all of her organs failed and then she died. She had not gone to a doctor in years. The result was that her brother had to get mom and he placed her in a LTC place as he knew he could not take care of her and his own family. Something to think about.
Good luck.

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It depends how she feels, and/or respect her parents' wishes. After watching my mom was living in the nursing home, my dad told me that he wanted to die at home instead of in the nursing home because he felt depressed by watching my mom was there, which he did very closely. He ended up dying for a short while at the hospice. I was their health care provider. So, in my opinion, I’m glad that he got his wishes. I couldn’t do that with my mom because she kept falling with broken bones at home

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Don’t feel guilty. It’s hard I know. Been going through it myself. I’m finally realizing this isn’t the parent who raised me and it’s a grieving process I’m going through. My Mom has lived with me since my Dad passed away 2yrs ago. Long story short of it is Dad knew about Moms dementia/Alzheimer’s and he wanted to care for her so he had a triple bypass and died 2 1/2 months later due to hospital related infections. My parents before the disease were vibrant people who worked hard and had fun just as hard. They laughed and danced, played cards, went out to eat, movies, etc.. My emotional and physical health has taken a hit so at the age of 53 I’m going to do what my healthy vibrant parents would want me to do. Grieve, remember them happily and live what time I have left before this happens to me...since its hereditary. Lol. My husband isn’t looking forward to my older self. I found a place not far from me for Mom to help. They told me it’s time to let her go and for me to live. They can give her a somewhat independent life since they are an assisted living Alzheimer’s senior living place. Many people don’t get to live a long as our parents so I’m counting them as lucky in that respect. Unlucky because of the disease that will slowly remove the Mom I knew completely. I’m going to grieve again when she finally passes, unless she out lives me. I’m sorry to say this does sometimes happen. You’ve gotta just say to yourself over and over “I’m allowed to be happy”. That’s what our parents would want for us. Oh and therapy helps....a lot. Lol

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Such good advice. Thank you and thinking of you.

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HI my dad is currently having dementia as well. I am a psw and i deal with this every day with my job but I find it's even harder with my dad emotionally and physically. He is now ready for a home. I have had to go on anxiety and depression meds. There are days that my dad needs help and I feel helpless when he is with me as a psw there are only certain things I can help out with. Especially for him not to be upset with me so it is very hard to watch a dad decline. As my dad declines I keep on having to think of all the good memories. I miss his jokes and his personality that is why I have made a movie if all the memories I have with him with a special song it helps me to watch it and remember all the good things. I wouldn't want anybody to go through this but as I see dementia and death alot but it dont make it easier. So my advice is to cherish every moment from today on. My prayers are with you and hope you can understand my advice

All the best

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Thank you for your advice. I agree, nothing makes things any easier even if you see it as part of your job as well. Although I find it hard going to visit my parents I usually enjoy it at the time and like you have made little videos in days that have been good. Hugs to you.

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It's hard to watch. The person that we've always known just isn't that person anymore. I've said it before. Alzheimer's is such the dang thief. But, it is what it is now. I know I harp on this guilt thing. But when we make decisions based on guilt it just doesn't have a good outcome. You can't control what's happening with them. And, sometimes, we just have to let go a little and let things go how they're going to. Probably not a popular opinion. But we didn't do this to them and we can't stop it from happening to them. Just have to take care of them the best we can. And if you don't take care of yourself, I think anyway, there is no way you can be there for them. I learned that the hard way.

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Thank you. So true.

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This is not this is not really advise, but I want you to know you're not alone. My mom has dementia, she is in a memory care unit where she gets excellent care, but watching the decline breaks my heart I know my brothers and I are doing everything we can for her , but to see sometimes the confusion,the agitation, the realization that she is rapidly declining can make me want to go home and take a nap. My suggestion would be if possible find a good in-person caregiver support group a get together with people who are undergoing the same thing you are, I find it extremely helpful. I wish you peace of mind, and strength

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Thank you so much and hugs to you.

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Its normal, I'm 54 and cared for my mom for 12 years. Often times it was so hard, so many emotions. Frustration, guilt, love. The feeling of your life on hold is often so overwhelming. Just know it's ok to feel all of these emotions. Breathe and take each day as it comes!

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By announcing to our children and in getting their promises to NOT do one thing or another, we’re pushing the alternate circumstances on them that they may not be equipped to fulfill.

Imho it’s better to say: whatever is best, I’m leaving it up to you kids (but don’t fight about it lol)

I should go on to say: “after all I did for you!” or “after all you put me through!” or “you know I died on the delivery table when you were born and they had to revive me!” Just kidding.

I wish we all could remember how to be nice and act appreciative for anything they do for us when we’re that old, but there’s no telling what frame of mind we’ll be in then.

Maybe we should write letters to them now while we’re cognizant of how our parents have wrung us out.

Better yet, I’m going to write myself a letter to remind how it felt taking care of mom. Hope I can read my own letter when the time comes...lmfao!

charlotte

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I was fortunate to have parents that loved and respected life, and were tenacious in maintaining their independence. They were able to lead dignified and rewarding lives despite huge medical challenges during their 60s, 70s, and most of their 80s. At that time, it was difficult for mom to accept help from me. But at some point during medical crisis of my dad's, mom was able to recognize the tasks were bigger than she could handle alone. She was able to enter the next part of her aging process where, despite her fierce independence, she learned to accept help. I was suddenly thrown into the "deep end" of the pool. Sink or swim as I tried to understand the complexities of Medicare, Medicaid, county services as well as problem solve their varied and disparate needs over the next 4 years. Whenever I expressed worry or frustration, mom was always quick to point out that whatever I did was far better than what she could do. She handed to me the overwhelming tasks, but at the same time, never complained. She modeled to me a graceful, dignified and loving example of how to live the challenging journey of those last years of life in advanced years. I will love her even more for that (if that's possible) and only hope that when it's my turn, I can model to my children that same grace and love. That is not to say my job was easy. I have learned and will learn from my experience.

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You just want to live a little. You are entitled to have your own life. Please find ways to not let their lives swallow up yours. Make plans and then carry them out. Ask yourself what you would be doing if I didn't have your parents to take care of. Start doing some of those things.

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I'm 60 and dealing with 1 parent dying w/dementia and cancer and the other not making good decisions. There is a 1st class circus going on at their house 'cause my Dad won't put her my mom in a facility. I saw a therapist today and she said I had to back away from all the drama and live my life(my health has gone into some decline from all this). This is their path not ours, we'll have our own dying some day. Please take care of yourself. It's really hard for me to see my mom in this state and I find I do better when I don't see her too much. Don't put your life on hold, I know that place and it's doing me in - so no more. Don't mind that guilt feelings come - we're human - have compassion for yourself. You're not alone.

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Thank you for your kind reply rustlingleaves. I have managed to cut my visits down substantially over the past few weeks and have also managed to get rid of the guilty thoughts to some extent. It’s so liberating. Like you, I have two parents to worry about and I am no spring chicken with boundless energy, being 64. You are so right about it being their path and I also do better when I don’t see them as much. I was harbouring a lot of resentment at my time being taken up so much when I’m old myself and want to enjoy things before it’s too late.
I feel for you and your plight. Take care of yourself first and foremost. It’s not easy when your father won’t make the sensible decisions because then it impacts sorely on your life. My dad was the same until I took control of the situation.
Good luck and thinking of you.

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Hi ElsleL,
Thank you for your reply - it helps me alot - I just love this website. I feel less alone. I saw my mom the other day(briefly) and it made me feel so bad. I thought about your question and thought that it's just the reality that dementia(and dying) makes one feel bad. So I struggle thru it.
We absolutely need to get in some good things while we can. I'm so glad you're not seeing your parents as much. I thought I'd write out what things I'd really like to do/see before I can't and think about how to get there.
Take Care :)

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Why do I find it so heartbreaking to watch my parents decline?

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