My mom is in a nice AL. The people are kind and the service reliable. The other night she decided she felt unsafe and decided to put something in front of the door. Her door has a deadbolt that the staff can unlock and the place is locked tight at night. I've been there at night up to about 10 and nothing goes on. It's also tucked back in a long driveway in a nice neighborhood. So there's no real reason she should feel unsafe. None of the staff have treated her anything but kind. The lady comes in to drop off her laundry and sees this and sees my mother in her little scooter/wheelchair. She suggests she get in bed and she refuses. Two other staff come in to help her. She pitches a fit. Then texts me saying they are blocking the door and not leaving. Of course they aren't! they wanted to make sure she was safe. The head nurse texts me and tells me the whole story and asks to see if I can convince her to go to bed. I try to get in touch with her using the phone, her iphone, facetime, etc. This went on for about an hour and she finally got in bed.
She tries to make the place out to be horrible, which it is not. I have a camera and I see the staff interact with her professionally.
She does not have dementia, but she is an undiagnosed BPD (or something).
I had just spent the day working my job and then also working about 6 hours cleaning out her house to get it ready for sale. No one else in my family helps out, so it's all on my shoulders. Her house, the cleanout (stuff I have to do because it's family stuff), etc.
When this kind of thing happens, which it does every two weeks, where she has to cause issues or texts me in a panic, usually late at night, I try not to blow my top or get mad at her, but I can't help it. She made no planning, demanded to live in her house until she had an emergency, and has leaned on my entirely for the last few years because of COVID, even though she used to have home health care.
Usually what happens is I talk to her in stern terms, tell her I'm exhausted and can't keep doing this, stop contacting her for a few days, then it starts all over again. I feel guilty when I get mad at her.
What do other people do when they have a challenging parent who abused (mentally/physically) you as a child, refused to help you as a young adult and now puts all their needs/demands on your shoulders?
I don't want to be mean to an old person, but sometimes, I can't help but curse her out because of all this stupid stuff and demands. I'd appreciate any tips or tricks. I realize in the scheme of things, this is all small / stupid stuff. It's just hard to handle it in the moment.
And I’d also get with her pcp to write her low dose Ativan, xanax and seroquel.
When these events happen, maybe just try to talk to staff instead of your mom so that you don't blow your cool and then feel guilty? If she's being difficult, ask her to give the phone to the nurse or whoever.
Maybe set your phone off so that you don't get her calls after a certain hour. Let the staff know you are doing this. I assume they can handle the situation without your involvement. If/when that is not the case, then they will probably want her to move to another facility that can better meet her needs.
She might need some meds to help her relax a bit.
Good luck.
Worst case scenario, she gets sent to the ER for a psych evaluation, and gets diagnosed that way. No joke. Many of us have had to call 911 when an elder flips out to bring them to the ER for just that reason. Unhinged behavior needs to be medicated for all concerned; if the staff can't handle mom in the AL, then what? Plus, it's not fair for HER to be riddled with THIS level of anxiety all the time, nobody should have to live that way. Anti depressants (Wellbutrin max dose) helped my mother a LOT and she was off the charts with her worrying/anxiety and generalized 'nervous' behavior (before the dementia set in).
As far as your guilt is concerned, you have to try not to blow up at her and/or curse her out. That is what leads to you feeling guilty and feeling badly about yourself. It's not worth it. When you feel ready to blow, just hang up the phone or leave your mother's presence, which is better than having that blow up and feeling horrible about it afterward. You know she's safe in the AL, so you don't have to take all of her calls; let them go to voice mail. Take ONE call a day from her as YOU determine by setting down boundaries YOU can live with. This is crucial for a person like your mom who has more issues than Newsweek, like my mother did. They can drive us off the deep end in short order, so it is up to US to set down the boundaries WE can live with, you know? Rules that make our lives a bit easier. Nowhere is it written that you 'have to' do XY and Z for her if it's wrecking your life in the process. What I would do, however, is get the woman a complete physical at her PCP's office and a workup for dementia and mental health issues/anxiety. Because she needs to relax and sleep at night w/o thinking someone is trying to break into her apartment!
It's not really 'small and stupid stuff' you're dealing with. It's important b/c it's ruining the quality of YOUR life and it's also ruining the quality of your mom's life. In this day and age, answers are available when we pursue them. You want to try and have a decent relationship with this woman but it's HARD b/c of the erratic behaviors; I know, I lived through it for 64 years of my life with a very difficult mother myself. It was impossible to get close to her b/c SHE wouldn't allow it; she was too 'nervous' to allow any real relationship to form; she held me at arms length and complained about everything I did and all that I WAS as a human being. That made it hard to deal with her, to say the least. She also was in AL and then Memory Care for 7 years.
Maybe pick up a copy of Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend to help you set down some of your own with mom. GOOD LUCK!