My wife moved in with her elderly parent’s late November 2019, and we are nearing May 2020.
My mother in law is 91 and can communicate normally, but she is a rather simple person. She can’t walk, and needs help with everything. Can’t make meals, bathe, get in and out of bed. I think she could do more for herself, but as long as my wife will do it…
My father in law is 94, and in the late stage of dementia. He is bed ridden. My wife has siblings but they are not helping other than calling and "checking in". The only way my wife can get out is if I sit with them. I am doing this for my wife, not my in-laws. I hate it. I am not mentally equipped to care for him the way I should, but I do.
My mother in law has refused hospice for reasons unknown to me. In my eyes, my father in law is suffering needlessly. She actually makes lite of his hallucinations, and confusion. Haha. My wife is abiding by her mother’s wishes, as she believes a daughter should, but it’s causing a horrible amount of stress that I feel she is internalizing. It’s been a strain on our relationship. Though our marriage is strong, and I don’t have fear of it dissolving, I feel strongly that we/she are being taken advantage of, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep my personal feelings hidden.
They have their end of life affairs in order, but dying at home is becoming a major issue. Throw in the Covid lockdown, and I feel a crushing amount of stress. I work 10 to 12 hours a day, take care of our home, and then relieve her at her parents as much as possible so she can get out. I’ve put a limit on the amount of time she can be away while I take over the care of them, and I feel guilty about it. Summer is approaching and we’ll add yard work to my list of things to do.
My mother in law has placed an undue amount of stress on my wife and I, yet my wife refuses to discuss my feelings with her mother or me for that matter. She feels she is doing the right thing. Am I selfish?
One thing I have learned from this experience is that I will never be a burden to my family.
It's important to distinguish between genuine needs and whims, and to do so carefully, critically. If you get into a tussle about boundaries but are overlooking a genuine need you will lose ground. E.g. if mother cries and says she doesn't feel very well - whim. If mother vomits copiously over the bedsheets it might still be whim but it can't be treated as such. If mother falls three times in a day, you wouldn't want to leave her unattended - that's genuine need, and the answer is to get a sitter (which is the bit she should really be working on, making herself less indispensable).
My wife planned on coming home for the afternoon, but her mother decided she was going to take a nap. :(
My wife is afraid to displease, or go against her mother.
Is she finding it too hard to say no? Does she feel she even has the right to say no?
Some people confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them.
You can see it but can she?
Bingo !!
It's been like that going all the way back when my wife and I dated. It's like her parents were the law. I'm not saying obeying your folks is wrong, just saying that she never bent the rules. If they said jump, she jumped.
If a frantic call comes *be prepared to call EMS*. If a health crises (fall, breathing probs, suspected stroke) don't rush over first & get bogged into it. Just get the right help to them.
Meet your wife at the hospital. NO to 'come here & mind this one while I accompany the other to hospital'. Yes hard. But the alternative?
If MIL has another stroke, you could be left sole carer for FIL at the residence with no end time while your wife sits vigil at her Mother's bedside.
Not to scare you - just be prepared.
I've explained it this way to my wife. I will support you and only you, I am your husband, you have three sisters and a brother that you, or your mother need to get involved. I will not be used.
I'm scared for my wife, but she's a grown woman that is being played by her mother, and siblings. I can't feel bad for someone who will not do the right thing.
If your wife isn't asking herself these questions, you have a rather large problem.
LH, I really think you need to consider finding a therapist who can help you understand what is going on and how to cope/handle this.
Did your wife insist on raising your kids the way her mom told her to? In other words, is this a longstanding pattern?
Was your wife a stay at home mom because her mom told her she had to? I ask because it's rather unusual for a person of her age not to have had a career.
Someone needs to be the voice of reason. It shouldn't be me, but it looks like it is coming to that, and I have a deadline set for the confrontation.
My wife did not work outside the home because we made the decision to put our child first. We didn't need the extra income enough to justify hiring daycare or a nanny.
I agree that it is unusual in today's world for a mother to just be a mother and not pursue a career. My wife was/is a great mother, and our son was a good boy who has become a good man. We're proud of him, and ourselves for choosing the path we did. It wasn't always easy, but it paid off. I put him through collage and he has a good career.
We also have our advanced directive set up so we will not become a hurdle for his family to overcome when or if we need cared for.
So the issue actually is, who keeps an eye on FIL while MIL is napping, yes? Wife couldn't take off that afternoon not because her mother needs a nap, but because her father can't be left unattended.
LH, do NOT do this:
When you're thinking about why your wife can't leave her parents and get a few hours' peace, do NOT say to yourself "huh, just 'cos the selfish old b1tch has to have her nap - !" when you know perfectly well it's because your FIL, with his advanced dementia, needs constant supervision and your wife doesn't think it right to make radical changes to her mother's routine.
The mistake, the point, is - when you're looking at another person's point of view, really LOOK at her point of view. Don't dismiss her point of view by trivialising it.
The answer is the same: an HCA or similar every afternoon to mind FIL while MIL takes her restorative nap. That way, DW's afternoon decks are cleared. But cleared without detriment to anyone.
I will confess to harboring some anger towards my MIL, but I completely understand that she is 91 years old, and has cognitive issues. Her life is on the same schedule as it has been forever.
FIL is the problem. MIL could be left unattended for a few hours or more, he can't. My wife needs to help herself. She needs to have a serious conversation with her mother and siblings.
Hospice should have been involved a long time ago. My wife believes that is not up to her, it's up to her mother. She's wrong. She is the one in charge here. Her parents can not survive without her help, and she can best help them by first helping herself.
Yes, this family needs HCAs and can easily afford them. The mother refuses, preferring her daughter's unpaid labor.
Dad is in the last stages of Alzheimers and is eligible for hospice. She refuses that service for him as well.
One of her Mom's favorite sayings is, "I don't know what we'd do without her." I've told my wife several times that that is the opening for her to speak up. Something like, " Well Mother, let's talk about that. What would you do?"
That's where this is
POA was her sister, but she lost that when she refused to help and proved that she is unstable. So much more to the story, but that's the nutshell.
Can you enlist the support of the Visiting Nurse to get your MIL off her "no"? Is there a Social Worker involved in the Home Health Care organization?
You will have to take the bull by the horns and set things right. You will have to read the riot act to MIL( nicely and firmly.) Your wife needs to either back you up or step aside. The worst thing she could do is to contradict you in front of MIL. What does your wife think of your impending talk with MIL?
What does she think ? Does that matter?
My wife is stuck someplace between little girl and grown up. If she chooses to contradict me in front of her mother, then her bed is made. Right?
It would let me know where I stand. I will not be happy about it, and it will force me to pull away from this situation further than I have.
I will take my wife's vehicle out of the in-laws drive-way, I will stop picking up their groceries, prescriptions, and stop bringing meals over. I don't want to do that, but like I mentioned, if she chooses to side with her mom, what can I do? She will force my hand, and throw everything that they depend on me for out the window.
I offered to pay for the service. I would think the estate would pay me back, but even if not, I'd still risk the finances to get my wife back.
Either way, she has not yet had the conversation with her mother. I will be Sunday May 31st if it hasn't happened by then. In other words, I will be sitting down with them on the 31st :)
After several days of acclimation (and telling the caregivers they are not to leave, even if mom "fires" them", she can leave for short periods of time.
This is a long process. It's going to take weeks just to hire folks...
Like LH, I was one against three & also like LH, I have no authority to change the set up. But things HAVE changed... my withdraw forced change.
I had to be very clear about the time & tasks I would do & be clear I was quitting the rest.
LH how much help do you want to give? What's reasonable for your life? Or is any help just enabling the unsustainable set up now & you want all out?
If you asked your wife to forget about what the actually needs are for a second, what would she LIKE her role to be?
Once you have that, then you can have a UNITED front for a chat with MIL.
Btw, I was told by a counsellor that 'The Conversation' usually takes about SIX times to sink in & get acted on.
If not, you wait for a crises.
Dear MIL talk #1, yours & FIL's care needs are very high. We would like to help in this capacity: xxxx time xxxx tasks per week. We will help you get help for the rest. You need more help that just us. *You need more help than just us*. Ram that message home.
Dear MIL talk #2, we spoke about setting up extra help. *It starts next week*.
Dear MIL talk #3, you have choices: #1 accept the extra non-family help. (Maybe a different provider if first one not working) or #2 move into care.
(There is a third choice taken by the extremely stubborn - the slow death by self-neglect).
As mentioned in my recent update, it seems we have accomplished #1.
Please listen to Beatty. S/He is in a very similar situation to yours and IS making progress.
Here's where we are.
The in-laws doctor visited yesterday along with a nurse or social worker. I'm not sure which. The conversation was started. The doctor spoke to my wife in private about the need for hospice for both in-laws. My wife explained to them that she agreed, but that MIL must make the decision. They spoke with the MIL, and after they left my wife and her mother continued the conversation.
I don't have details yet, but I will see her this afternoon and get filled in. It does sound like my MIL has agreed that they need to make a change. I believe my initial step back from this situation, which in turn, led to my wife leaving her mom to care for FIL woke up my MIL to his condition. She frankly says that she didn't realize how bad he was until she was left in charge.
I'll update again later tonight.
I helped my husband to stop allowing his parents to treat him like a child and establish healthy boundaries.
I found my inlaws their indy living residence, toured it without anyone knowing and came home with the brochure.
I called reinforcements (the other brothers) and told them we needed a family conference call about their parents.
I found this forum and read books and articles about all things aging.
At this point, I feel like I've completed a PhD in caregiving specializing in stubborn old people.
FIL passed away last night.
He is no longer suffering. He went in his sleep. My wife was home for a bit yesterday, and expressed a bad feeling about his condition. I was over there most of today to help with arrangements. Sad day. MIL has made it clear that she still needs my wife. We'll get through this and see where it leads us.
May God grant you all grieving mercies and wisdom during this difficult time.
Celebrate his life at the funeral. Then reassess.
The transition to Widow comes next for your MIL - with much grief, loss & adjustment.
If she feels she cannot live alone, that's understandable. She may well need daily help (physical & emotional). But she does not have the right to demand her daughter leave her marriage & her home to meet those needs. I would voice that directly to her as soon as appropriate.
Come back if/when you are ready.
Lossing - your MIL does need support from her family during this hard time. When my MIL died, my husband and I had dinner with my FIL every night for the first month or so, if I recall correctly. It was the right thing to do. After that, we went back to a more normal visiting and family dinner arrangement.
There are plenty of community resources and support groups for widows and widowers. Unfortunately, my FIL never availed himself of any. That was his choice, and my husband recognized that he couldn't fill in the void. It's time for your wife to move back home and be your wife.
My deepest sympathies to you, your wife and her mother during this sad time. May your FIL's memory be a blessing to you all.
Caution: DO NOT move MIL in with you, even temporarily. Period. Once in, she'll never leave.
My wife is doing well. Monday was a tough day.
Once we get the smoke cleared, I'll update you all on the living arrangements. My mother in law required less care on a daily basis, but she still can't live on her own. She is not going to move into our house. As we work through the hurdles of FIL estate, I am going to recommend that the life insurance he provided MIL be used for in home care.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2016/07/09/how-being-raised-by-a-narcissist-damages-your-life-and-self-esteem/#39c3c7a92c67
Thanks.