When your elderly, demented mother, who has 24/7 care at home, places demands on you that you physically can't meet, how can you be patient?

Your life story is very similar to mine. Since my Mother's death in February 2018, I have had time to clearly reflect on the relationship my Mother & I had. Though, I realized years ago that my Mother "groomed" & manipulated me starting at a young age using FOG( especially guilt) to serve her purpose, so it was very difficult for me to deny her. I am the oldest daughter of 4 siblings & she did not implement her tactics on the other 3 & I never shared with them how she would manipulate me for fear they would not believe me or think that I was speaking ill of our Mother. Also, my Mother would deny it or "throw me under the bus" habit. Everyone else only saw her sweet side, so I kept it to myself to avoid any skepticism. 4 years before she died, I started to see a psychologist. She advised me to detach with love. Slowly I started to pull away( not abandon her), & try not allow the hurtful things she would say, upset me. It was a conscience process of working on how to reacted or rather, not react to her. After her death, I felt traumatized & unable to move forward. I have since been able to talk to my sister & she now understands the pressure I was under for so many years. I found out the reason why my brothers stayed away from her because they said she was a "master manipulator". It's easy for others who have never experienced this to understand & say "just do this. Problem solved", but when you are groomed at a young age & don't realize yourself what is occurring, plus the love you have for your Mother, it's very complex. The irony is that I feel she was a good Mother to me, but had issues( like we all do). The thing I learned from her is that I will not & do not repeat that behavior with my children. It ends with me.

I got goosebumps reading this because I went through the same thing with my mother, but at the time she was in an apartment, alone with no care so she wasn't really safe so I felt I had no choice. (We were on the waiting list for assisted living and finally got in, and she has now moved on to a nursing home.)

Since your Mom is getting 24/7 and is safe, you need to wean her off of you. Also, you need to speak to her in-home caregivers about your own well being and get them on board with this. You are no good to them either if you are going to be sick and stressed out. They should be running a little interference on your behalf, that is their job.

I know about the hurtful things, the resentment toward your other relationships, I went through all of this. My mom was jealous of her own granddaughter, which was very hurtful to me. It's terrible. But look, if there is a caregiver there in the house with her you can walk away with no guilt. As long as she is safe, you shouldn't beat yourself up over her unreasonable demands. And remember, if she truly is demented, she really can't help it, she will deteriorate and at some point she will be unable to make demands. When you are in the throes of this and they are saying terrible things it's hard not to get annoyed with them, but they truly have no filter when they get to this point.

God bless, you have been through a lot, first the trauma on 9/11 and now this. Take care of yourself.

Sespo1997;

First off, as others have suggested, you need to curtail your visits and calls. She is being cared for and does not NEED to have you there every day or call every day. YOU have to limit your visits and learn to not answer the phone if she calls. If you are there or during a phone call starts screaming, leave/hang up. If you worry about others who might overhear this, talk to them and explain the situation. Have them witness it if you have to. It is NOT a reflection back on you or anything you do. This is who she is. As for those who insist one has to "honor" their parents, that does NOT mean being their whipping post or responding to their every demand. The suggestion for staying away 9 days - certainly if there is an issue that you need to be there for, go, but otherwise aides, doctors and nurses should be able to do what they have to without you being there!

Additional post TBD to cover some of your statements - can't fit it all in this new restricted character setting!

You said: "I have been going to the same therapist I have for years and all she says is that you're in a bad situation and there's nothing I can do about it."
   THAT is BS. Don't go back to her! What she SHOULD be doing is helping you learn how to set boundaries and how to stop enabling mom or feeling guilty about when you do refuse to go or do something. Also learning how to not respond to her goading is KEY! Use the old 'count to 10' method - it forces you to pause and will allow you to NOT respond. I had to do this to curtail my ex pushing my buttons long ago. It helps to avoid arguments. HE would still get angry, but I could calmly hang up the phone. You do NOT have to defend yourself, you have to understand this is who she is, she will continue to be this way and you do not have to take it or accept it internally. Remember the oldie but goodie "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!!!" Let her say whatever, don't take any of it to heart and if need be, end the visit or call.

You said: "I don't think I can be away for nine days because I am the one that the doctors call to manage her care."
   Well, let them do their "thing" and if they truly need you there, they will let you know. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for more chances of abuse. If you do have to go, leave when THEY leave!

You said: "...It's just that when I need to leave or I put in enough time it is my mother who makes me feel badly about going." and "...I was afraid that she would get angry with me because sometimes when I attempted to leave she would get very mad."
    You cannot change her (esp since you say she has always been this way.) You can only change how YOU react to it and deal with it. Clearly you understand this is HER behavior and it is not the truth. So, do NOT let her get under your skin. Do not discuss leaving or what other things you need or want to do away from her. She doesn't need to know and if she doesn't know, she cannot comment on it. Just simple answers - time to go, and NO.

You said: "This is got to stop and now."
  THAT is the answer and you have to work hard to implement it!!!!

You said: "...She rarely expresses approval . She shows disapproval and even distain at times. This just makes me feel compelled to do more and more for her to gain her approval before she dies."
   You do NOT need her blessings or approval for anything. It isn't likely you will ever get either, so there is NO point in trying. You do what needs to be done and that's it. Take more care of yourself and your family.

As for arguments, they can only happen if there are two participants. REFUSE to comply. She starts on something, do NOT respond. She will likely get worse, but that is your cue: EXIT stage left. Let her rant on. Let her scream all she wants. If anyone calls the authorities, the aides are there and can explain.

You said: "... The arguments arise when she insists I do something that I can't or when she ridicules me when I can't do something or tells me I should go back to work when I can't."
    Don't tell her you can't. Don't respond at all if possible. Simplest response will be NO I will NOT do this. If she ridicules you because you won't do something, tell her if she's so wonderful and capable, do it yourself then! No discussions about your work status, friends, appointments, husband or anything else that only relates to you. Mum's the word! She cannot comment on what she doesn't know about.

You said: "...Have to work on changing my reaction to her behavior...."
  You've hit the nail on the head there! It is not easy to follow through with all the above, but it will get easier over time. Once you feel more positive (or rather less negative) during dealings with her, you will see! Little fibs sometimes help, or redirecting focus. No outright lies, but say I will see you later/soon, rather than saying tomorrow or in an hour or so leaves her with assurance you will be back, but non committal!

What I hear is you feel badly. What I also hear is you’re neglecting yourself which will add to more problems later. Physically, relationally (with your husband perhaps for neglect) and mentally:emotionally due to stress.

Your mom isn’t well. Why some parents want their children and the their personal lives to suffer for their own pleasure/comfort is unknown to me but what I do know for sure is there will be regrets on your part that you traded your health, your sanity, your relationships for someone that was never satisfied even if that someone has the title of MOM.

Your mom will be angry if you choose to take some much needed self-care but she’s already angry. Nothing new. She’s angry and you’re miserable. You can’t change her and it sounds like you can’t even make her happy unless you completely neglect yourself and everyone else.

Choose you. No one else will. Create boundaries that meet her needs (which are different from her wants and expectations) and will leave you with a healthy life after she’s gone. It’s unfair of her to expect you to risk everything and let me be clear, even if you do she will require more. Some people will drain the life of others in the process of filling up an emptiness inside of themselves. Be wise. You can love your mom while at the same time treating yourself lovingly. Why let someone without a good perspective of what that should look like determine the course?

I have learned that some people will try to manipulate you just to see if they can. When you submit to their demands it just ignites their lust for more power.
I have determined that one has to say NO! Remain loving, but firm and resolve to provide a 'balanced' relationship with your mother.
Guilt is your internal struggle that is unsustainable and it will destroy you if you do not resolve it.
A good resource is a book written by Dr. Paul Tournier, Harper and Rowe Publishers, 1962, titled 'Guilt and Grace'. Many Churches have the volume in their libraries if you cannot get a copy of your own.

You may not feel like it, but you are the one with all the power. You decide when you visit, how long you visit, under what conditions and how much of her abuse you are willing to endure. She has care, so you don't need to be there several times per day and call her every 2 hours. She is not being neglected since she has care at home. Please set boundaries. If she starts berating you, you can use a mantra "That's my cue to leave." or the like, and then leave immediately without another word. She may or may not change her behavior. Either way, you are choosing to remove yourself from her abuse which can only be good for you. You survived the WTC, you are much stronger than you know!!!

Narcissists need their supply of attention - called narcissistic supply. You have volunteered to be you mother's supply. If you don't want to be, reduce your visits and phone calls.

Your mother is pushing the guilt buttons she installed in you in childhood. You have nothing to feel guilty about, as you are doing nothing wrong. She is well cared for and you support her. When mothers provoke guilt on the children who are helping them, it is about manipulation. You mother's excessive needs for attention are not healthy - for her or for you. Cut back on the supply of attention and she will find someone else to manipulate.

Take back control of your life. Don't tell her about your coming and goings. The less she knows the less she can manipulate. Decide how long you want to visit then leave when you want to -no justifications are necessary or, indeed, wise. 

"I attempt to go home to rest or make dinner for my husband. She will say let him wait."

Let her say what she wants. Go and do what you want to do anyway. Sometimes narcs use anger to control others. Let her be angry or sarcastic or whatever. It is not the end of the world. Eventually she may learn it doesn't work if you don't allow yourself to be controlled by it.

You wouldn't let a friend treat you like this would you?

You need to look after you and your immediate family first. Your husband rates higher on your priority scale than your mother does. So does your health. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Standing up to a narc mother is daunting at first, but many of us here have learned to, for our own survival.

Golden33, thanks for your response! I would love to put your answer above my bed and read it every day. So much of my life was lived trying to please other people. Too much time was spent on feeling guilt—yes, guilt from family members who I let convince me that I was the one with the problem. It is for your own survival, Sespo1997. I put my foot down this year. My dad kept making demands and being difficult, no matter what I did, so I spoke up. I don't think sometimes elderly parents realize, that yes, I too, am getting older.  Get rid of GUILT  and forget about trying to please others—they will never be satisfied with anything you do. Most people are manipulative. My dad complained all day long. My health was worse than his. He never listened to anything I said. So I "reduce (d) your (my) visits and phone calls. " It worked. Of course, it took him time to realize that my needs were important too. Occasionally he reverts back to the bad behavior, but I'm ready to change the direction of the conversation. Good luck, Sespo1997

take care of your self and husband he may be nice but he needs you also she is manipulative so go on your 9 days break yes its your mom u love her but take care of your health. I'm in the same situation the only thing it's my husband mom he takes care of her and I help him she is manipulate and treat him awful also he do everything for her my self also and she don't appreciate it she complainabout everything her other son don't help only us so I told him we need time for our self also twice a month for a weekend she don't like that and we are newlyweds also so I told him if he don't take time for us I will let him deal with it by him self so my friend take care of your health

So sorry for how your mom treats you. To me, she sounds self centered and a narccist. Its like it makes her happy to cause you pain and anguish. SO wrong on so many levels. You have the right, to set the appropriate boundaries when it comes to time that is allotted to her. Your life, and husband deserve to have you as an active participant!! You should not allow her to continue to demean you with ridiculous remarks! Like get a job! She knows what happened and how! Very sorry you went through that tragedy, but so glad you walked away. Your still here, even though in chronic pain, you need and deserve to live your own life and go to church with your husband!! How bad off is mom? Sounds like AL may at least be a viable option. I'm sorry, but with the cruel treatment I think you should get as much space and time, as possible between the two of you. Then, she will see that you own your own life, and how you spend your time. She should consider herself lucky to have you! But, please heed the advice on this forum. Set boundaries, and no matter what, don't move her in, ever!!! Its time to get your space and life in tact, and set up appropriate services to see to moms care. I know you love her, because she is your mom but just because she is your mom doesn't mean she has any right to treat you so awful when your only helping her, and giving up so much to do so!! Set boundaries now, and you will thank yourself later. Prayers and best of luck😇😕😐

Just say, I am going because I need to do this.. and leave. She can't stop you, but she is extremely manipulative and knows that you will do what she wants. If you and your husband want to do something together, don't tell her about it. It gives your mother a reason for you give her time instead of your husband.
Elderly people get very selfish when they want to be, and your mother is playing on that. Also, who is charge here? You or your mother? Don't let your mother dictate to you when you have your health, your husband and your life to consider.
All the best, Arlene

You are being abused by your mother . Based on your statement above your participation goes above and beyond the call of duty. You need to set some boundaries and claim your own life back. That does not mean you have abandoned your mother. You are the only one who can change your situation because clearly your mother is totally unreasonable and self centered . I suspect this has always been your dynamic with her. This is a very trying time in life and I am right there with you . Im an only child and all the responsibility has fallen on me but when my mother has gotten out of line with me, I let her know I will not tolerate abuse of any kind.

A book you should download is Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents by Paul Chafetz.
It will help you know how to react to your mom in healthier ways and also how to understand some of her behavior. I may be wrong but she appears to be narcissistic. She is controlling you and knows how to push your buttons. You are too available to her and you are in need of serious boundaries. So what if she gets mad...she’s in charge of her emotions, not you. Another good book is by Henry Cloud on Boundaries. The sooner you put some of the suggestions in these books into play the sooner you will feel in control. It may not be easy for you at first but will be worth it. Sounds a bit like your relationship is codependent. Am I right?

I saw where you hung up on her ranting and then let her calls go to voicemail. Good for you!! But then the caregiver called you and put mom on the phone. This same exact thing happened after my dad moved into a NH. He didn’t have a phone (by design) because he would call me at night and it was never for anything good. So I got where I let it go to VM and if he didn’t leave a message then I wasn’t worried. Also I knew staff would call if there was a serious issue. But when he went to the NH, one night a CNA called me and put dad on the phone. He was yelling at me and I finally just hung up as we were getting nowhere. I called the CNA back and pretty much told her to NEVER call me and put my dad on the phone like that. I reached an agreement with the NH staff that if dad wanted to call me, the nurse had to call and tell me what he wanted. Then I would decide if I’d take the call. My mental health needed protection. Put your phone on silent and don’t take her annoying calls. Tell the caregiver not to put her on the phone either.

You must take care of YOU. You cannot get wrapped up into her guilt trip. Good grief, if she were not so acrimonious, you may have a chance of assisting her.

Why are you putting yourself in this predicament- you don’t need to sit by her side and call her when you aren’t there. She has capable people taking care of her and being paid to do so - let them and get on with your life / stop letting her sabotage your life- you’re allowing it- just stop

Sorry about your injury, looking out for your Mom must be putting a very big strain on you as you have stated some times you lose your coo.l I understand that would make you feel terrible. So got to try another approach being an Attorney you can do this. Be firm but calm in your approach. You need to tell her what is going to work for you and stick to it. You absolutely can not put yourself in a position that is affecting your health. I work with Seniors and sometimes we need to be honest with them what you can do and what you can't it isn't giving up on them and you will be there for them under your terms. when it is time for you to leave and make dinner for your Husband then do just that. I hope this helps..leave your guilt at the door..What I have read in your post there is nothing you should be quilty about.Take Care and God Bless

Dear Sespo, your mom has groomed you to be her hostage.  When you free yourself, she will be very angry and frightened.  So what. That's her stuff, and not your fault. As Countrymouse suggested, take a long time away to recharge, and see what is really going on. Then you can decide how to handle it. A daily reading for codependents may be helpful, or not. You get to decide now. Prayers.

Your mom has care? If that is the case, I would detach big time.  Do what you need to do, or want to do, when you wish to.  Period.  Mom gets no vote. None whatever. She does not run your life - you do.  It may take awhile, but cheerfully ignoring her demands might finally sink in.  You can interact with her on your terms, and the universe will not collapse.  You will not cave in to guilt-tripping. If she continues to issue orders, you will leave. And do just that.
Is she mentally capable of understanding that what she is doing is driving you away?  By trying to control you, she is alienating you and you can if you wish just leave and not return. Her behavior is counter-productive.

Sespo, you write that your mother ups the meanness and nastiness when you stand up to her.  Well, she is going to do that because she is desperate to control you. Ignore her nasty words - don't engage, don't explain your position.  You are ready to leave? Just do it. Just do what you need/want to do. When she ups the nasty behavior, you increase the detachment.  You have every right to do this.  Remember, you are not responsible for her happiness - she is. You are not trying to change her - why take on that thankless burden? No, you are taking care of you.  So when the meanness comes on, you can just refuse to be dumped on. Just leave. The caregiver should understand YOUR ground rules about calls. She needs to know what you want. Care for your health and your husband.

It took me a very long time to detach from my abusive mother. It sounds like your mother is verbally and emotionally abusing you. I think this is a method of manipulation, sometimes just for the "fun" of it. The only thing that helped me was to stop engaging in any type of communication with my mother every single time she began to abuse me. My mother is emotionally abusive and it used to devastate me to the pint of becoming ill. Now, I hang up the phone. I stopped going to her house. I refuse to be alone with her. As a result, she is now trying the same thing with my brother. I know it's hard to disengage, to stop talking to your own mother. Three counselors advised me "stop talking to her". They were right. I wish I had followed their advice years ago. Try it. You'll be amazed at how much less stress you experience. You have no obligation to subject yourself to abuse from anyone, including your mother. Good luck to you!

Your husband sounds like a saint to put up with this bad behavior for a year. You're still newlyweds, for heaven's sake. Don't let your mother drive him away. Because you'll be left with just her. If that doesn't scare the h&%# out of you, I don't know what will. Your husband comes first. Tell her that. Tell him that. Take a good hard look at your life. It doesn't have to be like this if you have the courage to change it.

The LAST thing you need is more patience. You need to distance yourself from her. Set a firm, specific boundary, and stick to it. ex "I will no longer sacrifice my own health, marriage, and sanity in the (impossible) attempt to please you. My life matters too !" Then disengage, just stay away for "X" amt of time. Your choice. No contact unless it's an emergency ! Repeat as needed.
I understand that this can be really hard, especially if it's new behavior. (I also struggle with setting limits on my mom's demands.) You may need support from others in doing this. Get it. Hubby, a counselor, pastor, friend, anyone. Protecting your own life is essential. You are worth it ! There is no glory in being a martyr, which sounds like your moms plans for you. Resist !

Sespo, r.e. your Jan 30 reply to Harpcat: "Yesterday and today, I had tried to implement some of them by not calling as much or by being firm with her. However, they backfired and she became 10 times more mean. She was extremely critical of me when I had attempted to leave."

Her becoming "10x more mean" in no way means that what you were purposing to implement backfired! Were you expecting her to meekly comply with your new rules? The first screaming outburst from her was your cue to say firmly, "I don't have to stay and take this from you anymore. You have someone here to tend to your care so I'll be leaving now. Goodbye." Then turn and leave immediately, even if the sound of her screaming follows you out to your car and down the street. She has paid caregivers there to handle the aftermath, who by now should know how your mother manipulates you. And by now the neighbors should be used to hearing the tantrums coming from her house. Continue to stand your ground, stay away, and Let. It. Go. We're all rooting for you. You can do this!

There is no real answer other than to absolutely take care of yourself, you are useless otherwise. 2-3 times A DAY is more than enough especially when they have multiple caregivers do not let her manipulate you

Something else to consider. You are no longer the "single daughter of an Italian family obligated to oversee mom's care." You're now married, and your first and foremost obligation now is to your husband. You say you have two siblings. What is their relationship and involvement with mom?

Sespo1997;

You are still in the learning stages. It will get better for YOU once you can better tune her out. (I also read another post from you before posting this. If she refuses the nurse and PT, so be it. As we are always told, EVEN the dementia patients rights are respected. They don't want PT, they don't get PT. You can lead a horse - but not your mother - to water, but you can't make him drink!)

What seems like a backfire really isn't. It clearly bothers your mother that you have drawn a line. Well, that more negative treatment of you can backfire on her as well - she pulls more crap, stay away longer. Do not call to wish her goodnight. The more you are not there or the less often you call, the less she can get under your skin. If you do not get desired results, so be it. It alleviates all the negativity on you. Let her stew in her own juice. You CANNOT ensure her happiness - that comes from within. Trying to please her will not increase your happiness either. You just need to learn to not respond, not react and protect yourself. If that means cold-turkey no visits or calls, that's the way it needs to be. No guilt either. You arrange for her care, that is more than enough. My mother is not like that (she can be nasty and negative, but not like your mom!), but I don't spend nearly the time you do (no calls as she cannot really hear on the phone so she has no phone.) I feel so long as I provide what she needs, we're good. If I were neglecting her, that should make me feel guilty.

When you say she was even more mean, and critical when you tried to leave, you gave excuses. No. No. No. No excuses or explanations, just calmly GO. By giving her feedback, she is refueling and firing back again at you. Time to go, out you go. Bye mom! Have a nice night mom! That's all the response she should get, if that. Do not storm out, just calmly, blithely exit. Don't slam the door. Any reaction you make only refuels her!!!  She gets meaner the next time, then stay away/do not call for even longer. she may try to switch gears and level guilt on you. Don't fall for that either. It would be easy to accept guilt for not being there or calling, but there is a very good reason for that to happen and SHE was the reason. Guilt trip is another invite to leave. Any guilt should be for not spending more time with your husband - work on that!

She tells you to go, who cares. You were already leaving, right? That 2 1/2 hours spent with her would have been better spent with your husband. At least (we hope) he appreciates you. What perverse glee might you get spending it with that wretch (sorry, she is your mother, but just giving birth doesn't make anyone Pollyanna.)

You really need to cut that umbilical cord. Your mom has 24/7 care. Your mom has visiting doctors and nurses. Even new aides do not need your presence. Type up the instructions you give to them and provide that. They should have a copy anyway, but if you write it up, there is no need for you to be there. No calls from them if mom directs it, but they can call/text if they have legit questions about her care. Your mother does not need you to be there, but your husband does. You can arrange for her care without being there and that is what you should do. After a while, drop in for a quick visit and if she picks up where she left off, leave. No discussion. No excuses. No explanations. No passion, nothing. There is the door, just take it to freedom!

"Well, I had a major fight with my husband tonight. I am devastated."

  Your penance: apologize to him and spend the next NINE days doting on him, NO calls, No visits to mom. HUBBY ONLY, NINE DAYS!
(before posting this, I did see your post saying you apologized already. NOW you dote on him. 9 days...)

Sespo1997;
In your original post, you said:
"No matter how much I do I always feel guilty. I always feel badly. I know that I'm doing more than enough, but I always feel badly. I never feel good about what I am doing for her."

If you know you are doing a lot, more than enough and still feel guilty and badly or don't feel good about what you do for her, then step back. Regroup. WE can tell you that you are going WAY above and beyond for this woman. If she was an excellent mother and was only occasionally nasty now, sure, you got along great, you can let a few moments slide and enjoy what time she and you have left. However that is not the case. She is and was abusive. 2-3 times a WEEK, not a DAY would still be more than I would give to a person who behaves like her. Calling every 2 hours? It isn't like she's on her deathbed!!! She really doesn't deserve what you do for her and the excessive time you spend on her, so certainly you shouldn't be considering more, but rather should be generating a plan on how to extricate yourself!

You survived and suffer from a horrible experience. You need time and effort to heal yourself AND work on your marriage (most DO take effort to sustain!) Beating yourself up for possibly not doing enough for an ungrateful, hurtful person needs to stop. You are one person. You need to care for yourself first, hubby second. Arranging mom's care comes next, but should not overshadow everything else. Arrange care, not provide or be there so much. If she refuses those caring for her, she will have to move to a facility.

You need to hold your head up and feel GREAT about yourself.  

Some good lines from Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive":

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
...
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Do you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey
...
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high and you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained-up little person and still in love with you
...
Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me
...
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive

THINK about what she has done and continues to do - done you wrong!
GROW strong - resist the guilt and bad feelings she feeds into you!
LEARN how to avoid her negativity and how to not respond.
REMEMBER that she is the one hurting you.
DON'T crumble!
DON'T lay down and die!
SURVIVE!!!
LOVE hubby and stay alive!
LIVE your LIFE!
GIVE your love to those who appreciate it!
DON'T fall apart!
MEND that broken heart!
NO feeling sorry for yourself!
NO more tears!
HOLD your head up high and be somebody new!
DON'T be that chained-up little person!

SAVE that loving for someone loving you (HUBBY!)

LIVE YOUR LIFE AND GIVE YOUR LOVE AND SURVIVE!!!

Crucial to remember that Feelings are not Facts! It is easy to be trained to "feel guilty" when someone (anyone) doesn't get what they want from you.  But that is NOT reasonable guilt.  It is a feeling, but not a fact.  Stop and ask yourself: "Are my feelings of guilt based on a reasonable fact of guilt? And be sure you have healthy ideas about morality in these situations. I don't know if you are religious, but I had problems, consulted a Catholic theologian, and was really surprised about the answers I received. I had incorporated all kinds of social conditioning into my false ideas of basic morals where parents were concerned.  You may want to discuss these issues with people whose judgment you respect to clarify your thinking.
You would be wise to not engage in explanations, etc. - you do not owe your mom any discussion of your decisions, of your business.  Trying to justify yourself just encourages her to think that you can be manipulated.
Your husband comes first - you two have a long and happy road ahead but you both have to work at it. I'd put my time and energy there.  IMO that is where morality lies.