When no one likes your mom. Any advice?

How about both brother and sister do the trip, and meet you locally for lunch or coffee and chat. Then they could do a quick visit to M afterwards?

Get a Caregiver. (mom pays for caregivers from her assets)
This will give you a break as well as mom a break from you. Getting a caregiver is a nonnegotiable thing. No one person can be a 24/7/365 caregiver.
If there is an Adult Day care in your area get mom involved in that.
You do not mention a diagnosis in your profile but I am guessing dementia from your question.
Caring for someone with dementia is difficult. And it gets more difficult as the person declines.
As she declines you will need more help.
And at some point you may not be able to continue to SAFELY care for her at home.
Just as your brother and sister both got Babysitters when they wanted to go out you can get a caregiver to stay with mom while you go out.

It shouldn't be too difficult to explain to brother and sister as you explained it to us.
It may be time to consider whether or not you wish to/are capable of keeping Mom at home and still having for yourself any life at all. Just to consider it.
For now, and as to others, tell them what you have told us. To me it seems clear enough what you are saying. Then the decision whether to have you visit or not is up to them.
I sure wish you luck.

Do you really have to tell mom that you're going to see them? It's called a "therapeutic lie" when you say you're going to a church meeting, participating in a bird count, or to see a friend in the hospital. No one feels comfortable about this, but sometimes it's the only way to save your sanity.

Your siblings don't want to deal with your reality, which is why they aren't. They DO get it, which is precisely why they are doing nothing to help you. They've made their choice, as you've made yours, to care for mom, on HER TERMS 24/7.

The question is, when do YOU get to do some activities YOU want to do w/o mom hanging on your ankle like an anchor? Even married couples have individual hobbies and friends they see w/o the spouse tagging along. It's known as autonomy, which you've given up entirely in an effort to appease mom.

Look into all the available resources you can use for sitters, caregivers, adult daycare, respite care, etc. Even if mom doesn't want any of it, don't give her a choice. Indentured servitude is not a part of the agreement you made to care for her, nor is it necessary or healthy for either of you.

Once you agree to caring for yourself here too, maybe then you can change your username to EmotionallyJoyful. That is my wish for you.

Good luck to you

Tonight is a perfect example of what happens. It was my sister's birthday so we went up to her house to get her, than another half hour to get my brother and we went out to eat. Things seem to be going fine until we drop my brother off. Then my mom starts talking about my brother and how worried she is about him and my sister jumps in and starts telling my mom how she talks negatively about everyone then the two of them are off on a meaningless argument that won't change anything and to me, just seems pointless. At this point, I try to stay out of their arguments and I just stare out the car window waiting for it to end. Cue an awkward hour ride back to my sister's house and awkward goodbye. Mom barely said a word the whole ride home, which is fine, but means that she's storing it up to be upset about later. This is how it goes at least fifty percent of the time when we get together.

In your shoes, I think I would go hang out with my siblings, just tell mom you're doing something else. Make something up. I routinely say I have an appointment, lots of errands, car needs servicing. If mom's not safe alone hire a caregiver. There are many ways to visit people without mom. You seem like an honest and caring daughter. Do this for you. Your mom will be fine.

Hi EN,

I do understand. Sometimes it's just more work to plan everything around mom just to have a bit of time away. However, it is essential for your mental and physical health. I always had to give some "good reasons" to my mom when I had to leave home.

Here are a few suggestions. Tell your mom:

--I have an eye doctor appointment. I'll be gone till___. They are going to dilate my eyes so I have to stay for 3 -4 hours before I can see well again in order to drive back.

--I have to work today. Rush/special project.

--Required training class to keep my credential current. I'll be gone for half/whole day.

--I need to take the car in for repair. (After a few hours, call mom back.) Car still in the shop, waiting for some hard to find parts. Will be back around _____ pm.

--(Give some excuse to leave the house. After awhile, call mom back) I have a flat tire or my car broke down. Waiting for a tow truck and take it to a shop. Probably will be back by ______ pm.

Good luck EN. Please take your much needed breaks. Mom needs to get used to being by herself as long as she's till with it mentally.

If they haven’t ever been your mom’s caregiver, then they absolutely don’t realize what you are dealing with.

The truth is that they aren’t interested in helping out in any way. That situation isn’t likely to change. I suppose they find it difficult to be around your mother.

Look to other ‘hands on’ caregivers for support instead of your siblings.

If you choose to have a relationship with them and would rather be alone without your mom, then don’t tell your mom that you are meeting with them. You deserve to have a break sometimes.

Best wishes to you and your family.

This situation is so minor compared to the overwhelming situation you have accepted for yourself of being your mother's 24/7/365 caregiving slave.

Why did you accept that situation? (Admittedly, I have not read the hundreds of your previous posts.) Why couldn't you walk away like your siblings did? Were you groomed to be her eventual caregiving slave?

Could your Mom be hard of hearing? Is your Mom capable of reading? Could your Mom just be very, very lonely?

The talking constantly, no reciprocal conversation does sound like a person who cannot hear or understand what is going on around her. The endless worries could be due to the fact that people are answering, however, she either doesn't hear or she cannot process their information or her world is too small.

Together, it sounds like she could have some form of dementia and research is starting to link hearing loss with dementia.

What does she do when you are at work? Is she all alone? Is it possible to send her to a senior day care?

Did she like to read when she was younger? Are audio books a way to expand her conversation to other topics?

I totally get why your brother and sister think the way they do. I totally understand why your Mom feels hurt. Can you talk to them via video calls? Perhaps that is a compromise for you and them?

My Mom used to do all the things you said. The negativity finally went away when I linked her not being able to hear correctly with not being able to track with the conversation, plus I did some behavior conditioning. I subscribed to the large print Reader's Digest for her so that she could expand her knowledge and conversation topics at her own pace. She also went to senior day care where she was forced to be more sociable and it provided her with topics that she could discuss with others.

If your Mom is capable of reading, you might be able to use this method (the basic idea came from my therapist). My Mom is very capable of reading, but cannot process verbal/hearing as fast. So, I wrote some standard answers/requests on index cards. So when my Mom started going negative and she ignored my verbal pleas to change the conversation and I felt like I was going to yell at her, I showed her the appropriate card. I would first verbally ask her to change (always as a statement of "what I wanted her to do") and if that didn't help, then I showed her the cue card. So instead of saying "please stop discussing politics", I would say "Mom, let's talk about dinner". Then when she continued on politics, I would bring out the cue card of "Please change what you are talking about". If it still persisted, then the last cue card of: "Please give me 5 minutes. I need to leave now." and I would leave while she was still talking. I liken it to the equivalent of adult time-out. 5 minutes is a long time for a person to wait, and even longer to someone with dementia. I set a timer for 5 minutes and left it where she could see it (timer not on the phone). Pretty soon, even with dementia, when she saw the first cue card, she would stop. Eventually, I didn't even have to use the cue card, as her behavior became more respectable.

The first time I did it, she stopped talking momentarily while reading the cue card, and did what the cue card requested. The second time it happened, I showed her the first cue card, she ignored it, so I showed her the 2nd cue card, set the timer, and left and returned after 5 minutes. (5 minutes was what I needed to get myself back to positive thoughts.) Coincidentally, that was my first clue that she had dementia rather than forgetfulness.

These are hard times. For you, I would see if you could get the aid of a therapist. They can help you acquire ideas on how you can deal with your Mom's ugly behavior. Your Mom can change, however, it is going to require her to understand that her current behavior is not acceptable. That is what is difficult and where you can help her.

And before people say that dementia people are incapable of learning, I would say that it depends upon the person. There was a non-verbal guy at my Mom's ward with frontal lobe dementia. He tried to scan a piece of paper so that he could go through the secure door. He also learned to follow visitors because he knew they had food. He was obsessed with food.

Is there an option to move your mother into a facility for her care, selling the house, then moving yourself to somewhere else? Do you share any ownership interest with your mother in the home?

You require respite care to save yourself, so a therapist for yourself and your mother IS an option.

Occasionally don't tell your mom you're going to visit with the siblings that don't want to visit with her.

Is your mom like a child? Completely dependant on you for her welfare, ie. safety, feeding, legally? If not, young children are not a good comparison. There are times/events when people are requested to leave children home and get a babysitter...ie. weddings, parties, dinners. Parents can decide to not go to certain events if they don't want to get sitters for their little children. But it's illegal to leave little ones alone.

Adult children are another story 😊

Ask yourself this. Are you the peacemaker in the family? The one who carries most of the weight? The one who tries to please at your own expense?

Your brother and sister are not helping you care for your mother, and yet don't even want you to bring her along when you visit them.

That's crummy and selfish.

And it sounds like you've already? tried to accommodate your siblings but it makes things more difficult for you.

If it were me, I'd tell them that if I can't bring Mom then I can't come visit. Or let them get on the phone with her and tell her that they don't want to see her. Stop letting them dump that on you.

If they want to see you, let them come to you for a change.

I think you deserve at least that much. If they refuse, then that's on them.

As difficult as it may be to leave her home and to get care for her do it!!! Do not sacrifice time with your siblings because when your mother is gone they will be all you have. As my own mother became older and needed all sorts of care I too had to be the main person to do that but I still maintain my relationships with my siblings. You might have to do some white lies to your mother to spare her feelings and avoid her recuperations. And as we talked about changes that went on with my mother we actually shared some similar feelings about her and that doesn't mean we don't love her but we could voice our feelings freely. As I said make the effort to keep your family connections, as we age we need them.

I suggest looking for resources for you mom to get some social interaction with her own peers and perhaps some appropriate activities while you are at work...at least on some days. It sounds like her world needs to be expanded beyond family and whatever she does now at home for activities. She very well could develop different relationships with others and expand her interests and mellow out a bit with her own family members. Relationships can often be different with non-family members. If the other parts of her personality come out as a result of interacting with non-family members, it might carryover to more positive relationships with her own family members. It might be time to consider finding an independent living facility for her (if she is capable) or AL if she needs extra help with meds or whatever. You both need some independence.

I like mom, but friends and family didn’t want take mom advice, because of my husband behaviour, my mom always advised me, to be careful about the way I always fighting with husband, anytime my husband fight with me, I park my self and move to my mom with my children
. It make my friends and family think is my mom who make me fight with my husband, and move to her house, but what they didn’t know is my husband who is the problem about all this. When my mom try to explain situation to her  family and friends, they  point their hand on her, and say she was the one who didn’t want my marriage to  goes on, instead of advising me to understand my husband behaviour, she way advise me to move from there and come and live with her. 
Matilda

EmotionallyNumb-
I understand where you're coming from. I am in a very similar situation with my 76 year old Mom. I used to be with her most of the time. Now my brother lives with her. She does have some incontinence issues - but she is able to clean up after herself if an accident should happen and no one is there to help.

My Mom can be very loving, sweet & funny...but she can also be terribly, terribly mean. She's always been this way - but it has amplified the past couple of years, since my Dad's passing.  She can have downright temper tantrums. Some of that is/was due to her manic depression and psychosis (all medicated now) and now recurring UTIs (those are terrible). But there's something else going on...we're still not sure exactly what.
Maybe your Mom is suffering from some undiagnosed issue? Or has she always been this way?

I still stay with her a few nights a week because I am her POA and I handle all of her finances, take her to appts, handle her meds, etc...and she has said that she feels safer/secure when I'm there.  

When she gets angry and starts calling me names or gets out of control, I have gotten to where I will calmly get my things together, give her a kiss and leave.  But it does make me sad. I know that she needs to learn what I will and will not accept - but I also know that she is suffering from something - and she knows this too. We don't know exactly what yet, she gets an MRI on the 24th and we're hoping that will tell us something.

I'm not sure where your Mom is as far as what level of care you have to provide for her - but she sounds so much like my Mom.  When she starts talking about politics....ugh....

To me, my Mom's mental health is just as important as her physical health. I wouldn't walk away from her if she had some debilitating physical ailment. I'd stick around and help - until it was beyond me.  And then I'd seek outside help.  And I'd do the same for any of my immediate family.  But that's me.  Others (like your siblings) are fine doing nothing.  

I wish I could tell you what to do. I've gotten some good advice on this forum from folks much wiser and more experienced than I.
I look here most days to see what pearls of wisdom I can pull from it.

On a side note, I think we could both benefit from some REALLY good therapy. :)
My best to you.  Mean Moms are tough. Hang in there!

Check out day care and respite care at your local assisted living facilities. Giving yourself a mental health break is good for you!

My MIL has 2 people in her life who 'like her'. My Dh and his sister. His older brother has not spoken to her in years.

2 people. With an extended family of almost 70 people, she has 2 people she can 'stand' and none of the extended family really even know her. I know my grands (her great grands) have no idea she's still alive, even.

She is so enmeshed in the anger and hatred of people (primarily her ex-husband who has been deceased for 19 years). She speaks of things he did to her like it happened yesterday. She cannot forgive and she doesn't forget.

She refuses to go anywhere, so she is basically completely housebound and will not leave.

Her last 'friend' in the neighborhood died 3 years ago. She does not speak to neighbors. She does not answer her door. She lets DH and his sister in and that's all.

I've truly never met anyone with the inability to find joy in ANYTHING the way she does. It's sad, and I take no joy in her misery.

There is literally NOTHING my dh or his sister can do to change this dynamic. SIL shops for her and cleans her house and DH just visits once a month or so. He may fix something for her, but she won't leave the house.

It seems impossible that a person can live like this, but it happens. I have not seen her for over 2 years and I have no intention of ever seeing her again. It's hard for my Dh to spend time with her and he literally will offer to PAY me to go with him to see her.

And she is going to live forever.

Everyone in my husband’s family disliked his ‘evil or mentally unstable’ grandmother!

She had one child, my sweet mother in law, who often said that most people learn ‘what to do’ from their mother but she learned ‘what NOT to do’ from hers!

I don’t know how I wasn’t killed for being the innocent bystander whenever I took her out. She was extremely offensive to everyone!

Hey There, I understand why you chose your user name to reflect what you're feeling now. I'm sorry you are going through these things.

You received some great answers from others, some great support.

I am in similar situation at least when it comes to the lack of involvement from your siblings. However, the one big different thing is you seem to get on with your brother and sister, regardless if they're helping you out or not. I am guessing you have asked them why they don't do their part in helping, no matter where they live, or other commitments they have, there's always ways around it.

It also appears as if your brother and sister have openly said they don't want to get involved, and you have not confronted them to do their part either. I would have expected a conversation with them, explaining what you are feeling and them being sympathetic to your feelings and offered to help, so you can take a well deserved break. If your brother and sister already know how difficult it is for you and still decided to not help you out? well that's just simply terrible.

You need to convince your siblings to stay with your mom, so you can take a long break, meet your friends, get some solitude, just remove yourself from the present situation, so at least you can think more about the situation. Even if your siblings completely refuse ask someone you trust to fill in for a weekend, or even a whole day to begin with.

I can't ask my siblings because I get harassment from them, plus you read my back story I simply stopped trying anything with them and do not talk with them. I take breaks from my mom by being in my room, it's not way to live but I'm in a situation where I simply can't take off, unless my mom visits my sister for a week or weekend. If you get on with your siblings they should be at least sympathetic and put up with your mom's personality for just days, not even weeks.

I do relate to your situation, because I am the sole caregiver, however my issue is with my siblings and not so much my mom, although my mom has some of the traits you mentioned about your mom, I plainly ignore a lot of it, "most" of the time, but it can get you down, thinking about what else you could be doing with your time, not to take away the fact that looking after a loved one is still an very admirable thing, but we're all human and we all need balance, some peace, happiness and joy.

Have you thought about joining an evening class, a course at a local college, take yourself away for a few hours a couple of nights of the week. Maybe see if you siblings can cover you for that initially and the work your way to whole days, and whole weekends.

Also keep letting the forum know your situation, what's happening, ask more questions.

Love & Peace.

I thought all moms were lovable. This is a tough one. If your mom wasn't there for them then I can understand their avoidance. She would have to have been very selfish and evil to arrive at a place where you cannot even bear to have mom around. Being annoying is not a good reason. All old people are annoying because they have special needs and they are time demanding. That's just the facts of life. We'll all get there, don't worry... Maybe they can travel to your city and you can have a secret meeting and get together. Lie to mom and make up an excuse for your absence. That would be on my conscience. I would know that I lied to her. I have a good mom but a snobby sister-in-law from Toronto who finds my Italian's mother's limited command of English and her conversation too boring to endure and as a result she never calls mom. Mom is not University educated as her, you see. Toronto is about an hour drive from my place. The resentment that I have for my sister-in-law is absolute. She's living high on the hog thanks to my brother's salary. 2 vacation homes, in Niagra and Naples Fla, and all this is not enough to overlook my mother's lack of education and social etiquette. Can't forgive it and just talk to her even if it's only to be kind to a 94-year-old loving mother. No pity. She cries when she hears of all the love and attention my aunts get from their in-laws. I have to deal with it as the only caregiver on hand. If you love your mom, do not betray her for your siblings. Don't break her heart for them if they don't love her as much....

Absolutely and I feel your pain and your mom's. My brother lives an hour away, plus my niece, and they rarely call my mother (her grandmother) nor do they ever offer any help to relieve me so I can get away. It seems your siblings are acting selfish, self-centered. Not unusual. I think every family has at least one and they do what is convenient to them. How about one of them spending time with your mom, while you visit the sister or brother? And it can be done again till both are visited at different times, giving you a break and pleasing your Mom. Maybe they can develop some empathy and experience what you go through day in and day out, and also the very valid loneliness of the elderly, no matter how they express it. It's called dementia and they should read up on it and how your mother cannot really control what it's doing to her. I think for all the full-time care that you give; 1-3 hours of mom-sitting won't hurt them, so you can visit with one of the siblings. And no, I do not think you should go out of your way, trying to find someone else to sit with her. Unless they offer the money to pay for it. My own mother helped raise my niece and helped out my brother tremendously during her elderly years between 72-85yrs. driving back and forth an hour away. You would think visits and calls or "thinking of you" cards would be flowing in. Not! They are both self-centered and if they ever have any regrets, it will be too late. I would advise doing what makes you and Mom most comfortable. But don't make it easy on them. ( I also quit reminding them when her bday was) If they really cared, they'd remember or mark their calendar as a reminder). LOL! Well, I just vented! I hope you find a solution. Just don't let them put it on you.

I have had greater success than most with elderly, including my mom and dad. In your first paragraph, I wish to comment on the past and the siblings/her depresssion.

The past is great. No reason why you can't talk about the past. It can be one of your great allies if she begins to forget short term things. Knowing all about her past will give you an edge at that time because she'll remember the past where she won't maybe remember YOU or your siblings. That will be your indoor to her heart and mind and to have her trust in you. So look at the past as your friend, not some boring story. It's just perspective. Had you never known her and just found her, those stories would be a treasure for you. Make them a treasure for you and learn to like the songs she likes, too.

As for her getting depressed, I would too. If I realized I was being cut out of the picture because others didn't want me around, that would hurt my feelings. Most siblings that stay away, when it's just that the parent has loved them dearly all their life and now has memory issues, I won't blame the one suffering memory loss. This is the time when a child of any age is able to shine for all its worth and be there for their mom or dad. And Yes, I have seen similar, and my siblings became traitors, a lot of it due to destroying their brains with meth, cocaine and heroin although they managed to hold steady jobs, decades of white powder use tends to destroy one's ability to think straight. And then some like one of my siblings will steal you blind even if you're crippled and she has all her needs met. So it may just depend upon YOU and you will get the reward of it. God sees your love for your mom. No matter what anyone else says.

And another thing, why should YOU drive hours away when it is YOU that is using so much of your extra time to care for your mom? They need to support YOU, not the other way around.

I'm pulling for you.

It’s sad family can be so difficult on both sides. However, ur z hood daughter God made it do u would be the understandable one to help mom. However, I’m not sure of ur families full details we only know the little u tell us. If u want to see ur family u don’t have to tell mom just pretend on ur day off that ur going to work a full day. u can stay with ur family a full day just as u leave her there while ur at work. This way u keep the peace. On the other hand if u don’t want to bd bothered leave it as is unless they’re going to participate or give vital advice.

When we start realizing that we do not nor will we ever have the power to change anyone else’s feelings or behaviors we will find peace.

I gave up on trying to ‘fix’ situations awhile back. The person that was mostly getting upset was me! If we get upset it usually doesn’t affect others all that much.

Other people are going to do whatever they wish to do no matter how we feel about the situation. Sibling relationships can become complicated.

Anytime that we become overly involved in others lives it usually backfires on us. People want to live their own lives without outside any interference. So, let them.

I am a ‘live and let live’ person. The only possible exception to this rule is if innocent people could be harmed in any way. Then briefly state your position on the matter.

I don’t feel that your mom staying home for you to be able to socialize with your siblings is harmful to your mom.

Accept that your siblings simply aren’t close to mom. I wouldn’t tell your mom that you were spending time with them because it would hurt her feelings.

I know that I don’t have the power to change anyone. It takes strength to let go. I am glad that you aren’t wasting your time and energy on being resentful or bitter. It’s not worth it. Life isn’t always fair.

We don’t all have to share the same opinion. I don’t want to be a carbon copy of anyone else and I don’t expect anyone to be a carbon copy of me.

Your siblings may feel that you need a break from mom once in awhile and they truly would love to spend time with you. Get a sitter sometimes. It’s not good for you to spend all of your time only with your mom.

EmotionallyNumb: You require some time to yourself without mom.

OP, if you won't do anything that might make your mother "likely to feel offended", you are condemning yourself to doing everything she wants and that she gives you permission to do. You can only rescue yourself.

Let the siblings visit you. If they don't , it is one-sided and not good. I would let the siblings go. They don't really care about you or you if you got old and frail. They would treat you the same.