I am new to this site but have been impressed by the support offered. So, I am hoping you wonderful folks can give me your perspective.
I am the sole caregiver for my mother who is almost 93. We have home healthcare coming to the house due to recent bout of pneumonia and a hospital stay. She has been given exercises and is now on a standard walker (she used a rollator for years) and in a wheelchair as needed. Mom will show off when PT or OT are here and do everything fairly well.
Afterwards, she is extremely tired. However, when I am working with her she fights me over everything. I know this is a common problem/situation and have discussed it with her healthcare team. They acknowledge the problem but told me to keep after her or "she won't get stronger." I know they are correct but it is hard to be a "drill sergeant" (Mom's words).
I try to be gentle or cajoling or even silly but it doesn't work. She is sloppy with the exercises and incautious when walking or transferring. For example, when she is walking with me around the house she will have the walker in front of her so that her arms are totally extended and she will even push it away from her. So far I have been able to catch her before she falls. However, I live in fear due to safety concerns. She can't move around without assistance but my life would be easier if she followed my directions as well. She knows and acknowledges that my corrections are how she should be walking, exercising, or transferring but she continues with her methods.
So, I am wondering when do I acknowledge that it is time to stop trying to improve her mobility and simply be available for safety. I am tired of arguing with her everyday and several times each day. Yet, it would be nice if she could achieve a little independence; such as walking to the bedroom without me needing hands on. The therapists have told her this is possible if she does her 'homework.' Other than this, we rub along well together.
Funny, but it gets tiresome.
At 93, though this woman may not have the energy to improve . Let her be , see what happens , she may improve or may end up in AL.
It's the same thing with an alcoholic. You can drive yourself into the sickness of codependence while trying to get them to stop drinking when they never have any intention of stopping.
After 17 years of caring for my now 96 yo mother - the last 5+ in my home, I'm just too exhausted and depressed to constantly cajole or remind her to do this or that.
My mother literally doesn't want to do anything for herself. But that is how she's been all of my life, so why change now...
There are only two things that I demand. One is a weekly shower (which I do for her while she carries on like she's being mistreated). And the other is to sit up during the day rather than nap all day.
Those two things are worth the effort but not much else is at this point.
We do not know what happened but Mom’s health and cognition went downhill in a matter of less than a week. Calls to the nurse, doctor and a trip to the ER and we are still unsure. Our healthcare professionals are as confused and worried as I am. Sigh!
Currently, I am playing a waiting game while more tests are run. We are also looking at a hospice evaluation.
I really wanted to post again to say, “Thank you!”
CoffeePaula
Second is that her physical therapist comes to her little apartment to work with her, so it’s like she’s in charge of it, not me. She can also see the results because she has to get around in the facility as part of her daily life. I will say that the therapist works her hard twice a week, and it’s reasonable for her to be tired the next day. Have you discussed with the PT what is reasonable to expect from your mother in between sessions at her age? Regular healthy adults do well with three work outs a week.
My mother-in-law was impossible, insisting on living in her home well beyond being able to take care of herself well. At some point, a social worker said, “you’ll just have to wait for a crisis.” That was true. A year later, she fell on her front steps and ended up with several days in the hospital with a serious concussion. Then the fun began — trying to find a place for her before she got out of the hospital. So I definitely recommend that you research now what your options are based on availability and cost and location, including specific nursing care facilities and their availability so that you are prepared to make arrangements quickly. Maybe you could take her to tour some places, to give her some ownership of the challenge.
I don’t know that any of this is helpful, but I hope it is. It sounds like your mother is depressed, and it’s hard to find motivation when depressed. It does also sound a little bit like some early signs of dementia.
So, yeah, let it go. Set a schedule for exercises and remind her on schedule, ask her if she wants help, then let it go. If the therapists tell you to “keep after her”, I suggest politely informing the therapist that your mother is a grown woman and has the right to control her own body. You will remind, encourage, and offer to help, but you will not “keep after her.” She deserves the dignity of making her own choices.
Best wishes.
I said to my brother "you have two choices eat exercise and get stronger or do nothing and wither away, your choice." Its tough love but they need to understand there is no one else and if the caregiver "hits the wall" all is lost, their screwed!! I tell my brother who dislikes change "if change is good for you, why do you reject it?"
I tell the nurse, OT and PT he's putting on a show because your here. Your mom dies the same thing. Your the one who can give them the true picture. I hope you take care of yourself, give yourself little breaks with in-home services. You cannot do this all by yourself.
Your a loving daughter to your mim just as I'm a loving sister who has their best interests at heart.
God bless you. You deserve an atta girl air hug.