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Your dad isn't the 101 yo who shovels the neighbor's walk. He is not interested in improving his health to the level you want him to be. Your dad is not the responsible pet owner you expected he would be. Your dad isn't the person you want him to be. Accept that. Accept him as-is.

We all know parents who wish their kid would be like the one who was featured in the local paper, who are constantly saying, "why can't you be more like your cousin?" who have a wonderful kid but who can't see it because they have other images in their mind of what their kid should be like.

What's the Big Deal with the doors? Other than the laundry is there some important reason the doors have to a certain way? (Your way?) And PLEASE stop trying to figure out the reasons behind his every movement. Is it depression? Is it spite? Is it mental decline? Is it a power trip? Does it matter? You love him. You want to find a way to cope with his behavior -- whatever is causing it. Concentrate on that.
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Jeanne, I like what you write.

tgengine, when I read the later things you wrote on this thread you reminded me so much of myself when I was going through the adjustment phase of living with my parents. Things were different than I was used to and they just didn't act like I thought they should. Now, of course, both of them had dementia, so their behaviors were "off" because of that. And they were both very difficult people in their own ways. I was always thinking that they should be doing certain things that would be better for them. I could never convince them to do them, though, because it wasn't what they wanted.

What Jeanne wrote is true. It may be that you need to adjust your thinking to let your father be himself, then make sure that his behaviors won't cause harm to himself or your house. Since he got offended at the notes left by your wife, it may be that he thinks that you think he's crazy or incompetent. He is finding that offensive.

One thing I would do is think about how much might be your father's true level of competence and how much might be your expectations of him. If your expectations are too high, he will be sure to fail each "test" that you throw at him. Be realistic. If you are expecting too much of him and pressure him, it may be better for everyone if he were living in an independent living facility. Sometimes people can be like oil and water -- they just don't mix, though nothing is wrong with either.

If you decide that living together is best, one thing that can help you is to decide what is really important and what you can let slide. Lights that are left on can cost extra money, but it happens with older people. TVs get left on, too. Stoves being left on, however, are a totally different matter. You have to choose your battles and let the other things slide. Your dad is who he is and you'll drive yourself and him crazy trying to make him someone else.
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You and I are in the same boat tgengine, except for me it's my mom. She shows no signs of dementia or otherwise, though. I have no problem leaving her at home with the dogs (which is honestly great, as my wife and I can get out a little bit). Having said that - I'm not sure in your case if I'd leave Dad alone. He may or may not have signs of Alzheimer's/Dementia, but my first thought was that if your mom cared for him and basically cleaned up after him all of those years, and now you're working from home (ergo, with him all of the time) he's just not used to/capable of being alone. Sounds like it was always that way to a degree, but age does not help. Perhaps when he finds himself alone, he simply doesn't know really what to do with himself? Leaving the oven on/doors unlocked - maybe it just doesn't occur to him to turn it off/lock them? Whatever the case, it could be dangerous. Is there anyone who can come and just 'be' with him while you and your wife get away?
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