I have tried in the past to have my mother write down her wishes concerning funeral arrangements. She has always resisted, and often changed her mind as to what she has told me she wanted. However, due to a recent death in the family and seeing many issues that can arise, she now has said she wants no funeral service. Before I sit down with her to actually have something put in writing, I would like to get some input. I know she does not want a wordy obituary about her life, so alternate "life celebrations" is not what she would want. But just saying the deceased requested no funeral services seems rather stark. (And it may turn out that mother does want some kind of service.) How should this be worded for a death announcement? If other family members are very disturbed with foregoing traditional services, what could be simple ways to honor her without going against her wishes?
My second parents-in-law moved into a NH and FIL died 3 weeks later at 90 from an accident on his scooter (he was the healthier of the two). The law required an autopsy (and in fact his new doctor had probably stuffed up a medication). FIL dearly wanted his body donated to medical research (he was an exPOW with various continuing results), but it couldn’t happen because of the autopsy. We had a party at the big room in the NH and my DH (the oldest son) gave a short speech. All the family were happy with that. My daughter very kindly came with her 3 week old baby, which was a wonderful 'life goes on' reminder.
MIL lived to 97, all of her generation were dead, and the sons decided to skip the party. She was cremated without a service, they collected the ashes, mingled them with FILs ashes kept in an urn, and joined together to scatter them in the sea. No-one objected.
My first MIL, who I loved dearly, had a ‘real’ funeral. The bulk of the attenders were the family of my ex’s partner, who she did not like much. When I got there, I wondered if I was in the wrong funeral until I actually saw my ex. They all made speeches which were more or less hypocritical (sometimes highly hypocritical). It turned my stomach. I didn’t go to my ex’s funeral, although we were by then on good terms, because I couldn’t face the same people again. My (and ex’s) daughters couldn’t keep them away, even though the relationship had broken up.
Do what works for you. Make a good memory for yourself, and for the people you care about. It doesn’t matter to the deceased.
If she does choose to give you instructions - and don't badger her about it, it's in poor taste - follow them (and without looking for loopholes, by the way).
If she doesn't, then her executor or her next of kin if there is no executor should make the arrangements s/he thinks best.
As noted by others, the funeral or memorial service is mainly for the benefit of friends or family. It helps them heal. Remind her that many people would just like to have a way to say "goodbye". Is there anything she could suggest?
No one would want to include something the departed would find disagreeable. If she doesn't want clergy, OK Mom, we don't need clergy. If there is some kind of music she objects to, OK Mom, we don't have to have that. Flowers? Not necessary. A number of traditional trappings could be dispensed with. A bit of gentle questioning of your mother might suggest some ways to mark her passing in a dignified, sensitive way that she would not find objectionable.