I live long distance from my elderly parents. Dad slowing down, Mom picked up a lot of slack as a caregiver because Dad can't do as much now, but has always been an "overdoer" which is my nice way of saying she has a bit of a martyr complex. She is very stressed out, has lost some good friends in the past couple of years, complains about how tired she is, etc. She has been very short and I'll just say it - unkind - numerous times in the past year. I understand this is a really hard time for her. She has always been a bit of a control freak, but we got along and had fun together in the past. Childhood was a little rocky. I think she is unhappy about her marriage and this has affected her outlook on life. At this point in time, she is giving me the silent treatment and won't say why. I can guess - she's not happy that I willingly moved farther away from them due to my husband's job. But since she won't talk to me about it, I can only guess. This has been going on for close to a month. In the past 6 months she hasn't called me (though I talk to my dad every week). She doesn't want to get on the phone. When she does get on the phone, she is sullen and rude. When I tried to talk to her about coming out for a visit to help them with stuff, she gets very condescending and tells me how busy I am and they don't need my help. So I went and booked a flight anyway. I'm going to be there on Friday, fly back on Monday. She isn't talking to me, so her text response was "Your father will have a list for you." I can only assume that she will make the list, give it to my dad to give to me. Major passive aggression going on. FYI Dad and I have a good relationship. No issues there.
I have a sister who lives in their town, but she doesn't check in on them regularly and does her own thing. She'll come over and visit on a holiday but really isn't in the trenches when that's needed. Not trying to sound like the hero, but I'm basically the responsible kid and I'm trying to figure out why my mom is villainizing me at this point in time. What purpose does it serve for her?
Advice?
When my mother was moved to assisted living (I say was moved, because she was living rent free but paying £100 a month towards all bills, in an annex attached to our house, but her rudeness, erratic behaviour, double incontinence, falls and the stress she was causing was making me ill so I told her she had to go somewhere to be properly "monitored" and helped.) She didn't talk to us for six months, sought legal advice on whether she could claim anything from us, changed banks, took out money from an investment (£5000) which to this day she cannot account for, and let a "friend" do what she wanted with her possessions etc.
She was very rude about us to anyone she spoke to - staff, visitors etc, and was very rude and aggressive to the staff and other residents.
This went on until she needed some help sorting out some financial issues which had arise because she had closed one bank account and opened another without dealing with any payments in or out.
Suddenly she found herself "dumped" by the so called friend and needing us.
Since this time things have improved and at the time of writing we can do no wrong.
Moral of rather long winded story - JUST IGNORE IT, until the day she realises she is being unreasonable. I would make the effort whilst she was being unreasonable to phone once a fortnight, and tell her I was hanging up now when she started to be rude, and we had very good communication with the facility manager and were kept fully up to date with any issues or things that arose - but it was something we just had to go through to get past her narcissism are unreasonableness.
Say what you want to say don't candy coat things when you are with them, and if necessary and friction persists arrange with your sister to phone you once a week or fortnight with a report, but don't let her stress you and make you ill, she has no right to do this, and you have no responsibility to take it. Mother's in particular can be very manipulative and guilt instilling - stand up for yourself as the adult you are, I know it is hard when you have always been the child and roles are reversing, but keep to the path you feel is right for YOU first and her IF she co-operates. Good luck.
Your mom’s demeanor is telling…..she can’t deal with everything, she needs help! As you probably already know there’s not much in life that we can really control, parent’s included. Finally accepting this was very difficult for me.
Your mom needs a break for 2-4 hrs a day several times per week. Now she may balk at this idea but she needs it. If she doesn’t take care of her mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health and well being she too will need help. She needs to put on her oxygen mask before she can help your dad. There are companion aides that can come into the house for 3-4 hrs x 2/wk. In my area it costs $29/hr (Ithaca, NY). I recently changed from a companion aide for my 88 yo mom to a day program where she can interact with other seniors doing crafts, exercises, games, nostalgia, etc. This has changed her normally negative attitude. She’s there 5 days per wk for 5 hrs. Cost is markedly more manageable at $10/hr.
Remember this isn’t about you, it’s about you’re mom feeling vulnerable and probably scared. Anger is just noisy fear.
Perhaps a geriatric counselor may also be of value. Please remember you deserve to have a life, you can help your parents but you can’t change them.
I hope something I said is helpful!
if your mother is mad enough at you
that she can’t have a normal conversation with you that’s her problem . Stop calling her for a change only call your dad , your mother will either get over her bad mood or she will only have her self to blame.
Good luck to you
its a shame family try to manipulate other family members to do what they want .