After a 7 yr marriage, 6 years have been exclusively 24/7 caregiving. In 2018 he was hospitalized 13 times followed 4 times by rehab hospital.
Beyond the 4 major health issues of my 89 yr old husband, ( CHF, insulin dependent diabetes, stage 3+ kidney disease, multiple myeloma, delusional, parasitosis, 2 broken hips, shattered pelvis, knee replacement and suprapubic catheter maintenance) ...ongoing dealing with a enabled family of adult children....I am contemplating leaving.
I am 82 and was in great health when we married & he was reasonably healthy. I love him, obviously one couldn’t do this otherwise. I have recently hired relief 12 hours a week .
I can’t seem to take the step to go, but I-know I need to save my life.
Thank you for listening.
. Heck no, and at one point I went into my room and screamed for five minutes, got angry with God, and scared the dog in the process! And then I went forward with my/our day!This is what you do when taking care of someone you love!!!!
What others think doesn’t matter. Your true friends will stay by your side and you don’t need anyone who doesn’t.
Your financial situation should be weighed before divorcing. Some divorce to protect themselves financially, of course others stay for security.
Alternatively, if his children have POA, they could divorce you even if you wanted to stay (to protect their future inheritance).
I would include your husband and his children in the process (but only) after you have made the decision that is right for you.
If you are leaving anyway, allow his children the opportunity to step up and take him in (before making other arrangements) or help pick a long term care option that allows them convenience if they choose to become more involved.
When the dust settles, they will be grateful that you have been there for these really difficult six years. They may already be wondering how you have been able to manage for this long.
The best gift of love is to let go.
that alone will give you a break and allow you to reclaim part of yourself again.
With several of the diagnosis he has he might be eligible for Hospice. If so you would also get help in several times a week with a CNA as well a Nurse that would check him weekly. You would also have the services of a Social Worker, Chaplain as well as other services AND you can request a Volunteer to help you out they can either just sit with him and read, talk, cards and such and or they can help you .
And also because it is me responding...is your Husband a Veteran? If so depending on where and when he served he might be eligible for a little help or a LOT of help. Well worth a call to your local Veterans Assistance Commission or the VA to find out. (Oh, some of the regulations have changed and in many instances Spouses can now get paid for caring for the Veteran. Wish that were the case when I was caring for my Husband)
As you get used to having more help you might change your mind.
However....if you don't
consult with an Elder Care Attorney. to protect yourself as well as him. You may need a Special Needs Trust.
And you do know you will get all sorts of nasty remarks from "friends", acquaintances and and people you don't even know about leaving him when he is in failing health.
But you have to do what is right for you. It is your health that must also be taken into consideration.
And last comment...if you can not safely care for him at home placing him in a facility that is appropriate should not be ruled out. That can range from Assisted Living, Memory Care to Skilled Nursing.
And to clarify when I say SAFETY I mean your safety as well as his. If there is a possibility that you will become injured while helping him who cares for you and him while you heal?
Thank you for this response.
You are a living saint.
It really is that simple. I promise you that none of his children are going to jump up and say no wait a minute, I will take dad in and care for him...
My advice to you is get your husband in a long term care facility. It's not an easy decision, but you're fighting for your health and sanity.
I hope this helps.
If your husband is a veteran, reach out to the VA for assistance.
Best wishes.
It sounds like he needs to be in a Nursing Home ASAP. Do it for him and yourself!
I wasn't dealing with a SO rather both parents and the sibs and their offspring didn't visit Dad for the last 18 months of his life nor call frequently. Dad in his final years let my sibs contact him rather than calling them (for a multitude of reasons) primarily because "If I start calling them, I'll never get a call. They'll leave all the calling to me" And he was correct in thinking that way.
Dependent upon whether you want to have much contact with the daughters perhaps you should hold back on sending many pics for a bit and make them come to you. It certainly will give you an indication of how much interest there is in their dad (given that you send pics every couple of weeks I'm making the assumption they don't visit very frequently.)
Good luck to you and rest assured you did the right thing. As I often tell people, putting my parents into LTC was about getting them to safety.
I, myself, lean heavily on Jesus when navigating such no-win situations. Listening to His promptings leads me through safely, peacefully. Remember, God still loves you no matter what you do. Put your dear husband in His hands.
Make your decision, then see a lawyer to advice about separating finances, legal separation versus divorce, giving up POA if you are guardian or POA.
Is your husband capable of being aware of how he has changed? Have you and he discussed this? In a mentally functional person I would think there would be a discussion. If there has not been, then your first requirement is to let him know the truth. That you have really got limitations you were not aware of when you married and before things changed so suddenly, so quickly. That you will be separating (start there) and that his family and he will have to make the decisions about where he will live and who will care for him.
I think only you can make this decision, and I think you SHOULD make it. If you are his POA then draw his family together and tell them the simple truth. Do not expect they will not be enraged. They will be. You will have to have the strength to move past that. They should take on being his POA and his guardian. They can decide about home care versus in facility care for the remainder of his life.
I can only tell you that THIS is what I would do, myself. I cannot tell you what you should do. Expect the world to condemn you, because of course they will. That's to be expected. Then get on with all the move and separation; that will be quite enough for you to handle. I wish you the best. I am so sorry. I hope you will update us.