My mom has been in MC for a month now. One of the parishioners of her church spoke to my dad and he told them about her move and dementia. Now I’m getting calls from the members that want to visit her and bring her gifts. All overwhelming. I am being very kind with them but it’s getting very intrusive and pushy. My mom is starting to get used to the MC and I don’t want to aggravate her. Ideas to help fend them off would be appreciated.
I think it's great they want to visit her, but I totally understand how it's impacting you. Maybe you can refer these friends to an online sign-up app or ask someone at the church to manage this schedule so you don't have to field calls.
Is your Mom on any meds for mood/anxiety/depression? If not, this may help.
I am also uncomfortable around people that make immediate assumptions without knowing what is actually going on.
Perhaps, they do mean well but lack tact, and have poor communication skills. Nevertheless, it is insensitive to your needs during this transitional period.
How does your dad feel about visitors? Does he need time alone with your mom for a while?
Say that you feel that it is too soon for a visit. If you don’t want to close the door entirely, you might also add, that you will let them know if the situation changes.
Keep a list of names and numbers. Or, get email addresses and send a group email.
If someone is calling that you feel would not be good company for her, say that the staff has recommended that she shouldn’t receive any visits from anyone outside of family.
If you really want to cut the conversation short, you can say that she isn’t receiving any visitors without any explanation. You don’t owe them a reason.
I understand how these calls feel like an invasion of your privacy right now. The family is trying to adjust to this situation alongside your mom.
If you change your mind about visitors later on, that’s okay too. What do you think your mom would like?
I suppose your dad wanted to tell them about his situation or that they asked him about your mom and he told them.
If your dad needs to talk about his feelings, ask him if he is interested in participating on this forum.
Another thing you could do is ask if they have a choir that would be interested in making an appearance to perform for the residents.
When my mom was in rehab in a facility, the residents really enjoyed the chorus groups that sang hymns.
So you tell them that you're sure your mom would love to see them just not all at once. Perhaps they can space out their visits to just once every other day for the time being.
And don't worry, if it goes as usual, those church visits will eventually taper off to next to never anyway.
If your (collective) concern is that it is still too "soon" for mom to get visitors, because she is still adjusting to her new home, then I think honesty would be your best policy here. "Dad and I so appreciate your wanting to visit mom, but for the very short term, it's best she have limited visitors so she can get used to the nursing home. Dad and I would LOVE if you would hold off your visit for (xxx) amount of time, to give mom the best odds in a smooth transition. In the meantime, if you could send her a card or a note, that would be very kind of you."
I wouldn't be too quick to totally discourage any future visits, because for many residents of a home, these are too few and too far between. Even if mom can't remember who they are, future visits might cheer her more than you could imagine. Obviously, if the visits distress her, then that's an entirely different scenario. But she might very well come to a place where she can get visitors without undue stress.
Was your Mom or Dad very close to these people? Especially the pushy ones? Most of my sunday school group have known each other for years, having raised kids in the church and now having grandkids and great grankids. Many have had health problems. Two members, at least, are living with incurable cancer and come every week and are active participants. They all love, support and pray for each other. Thy have spent the majority of their adult lives together and been there for each other through good and bad. We share news about people's situations with their permission. Some celebratory, some mournful. I doubt people in your parents age range are naive to dementia issues and are gawkers.
I like the phone tree idea a lot. People want to be supportive, and if your Mom could enjoy visits, maybe later if not now, it may be of comfort to her, your Dad or even you when things become even more difficult later on.
My phone is sometimes busy with text messages for prayers, meal trains, and updates from this group. It can feel overwhelming at times, but I know they would be doing the same for me. Better than no one caring.
I pray things go as well as they can under the circumstances for you, your Mom and Dad.