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When she says how worried she is that she may end up in a facility. And is talking about how awful it was to be there when she had rehab 5 years ago.



Yes there is a strong possibility she will have to sooner or later, and I know she is asking this and looking at me to say that I will never let that happen. But I'm not going to lie, and she and my brother, POA really need to deal with this.



I did tell her that I can't do anymore than I am doing now, I'm sure it wasn't the answer she is looking for, but like you all say , I didn't ask to be born, I didn't make her old.



Just wondering what more I could say

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I've come to the sad conclusion that many, if not most, of us will end up in some sort of facility, whether it be long term care, rehab, hospital. I have tried desperately to keep my mother home, but right now because of an acute illness (a bout with sepsis) she is in a palliative care hospital. This place primarily is a hospice, but is treating her now, even though she is not quite near death (they are minding her to see if an infection returns because I declined a nephrostomy tube to treat a narrowing of her ureter). I hope that she stabilizes enough to return home, at which time it will take semi-heroic efforts to keep her home. No, none of us asked to be born, and we certainly didn't make them old, but one day--sooner than we can imagine--we will be there in the very same position they are in now and I pray that I and others will receive the mercy of a good caregiver.
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I would say:

"Mom, it's possible. You might end up in a facility, and I might end up in a facility. That's the chance we take for being able to live longer. Sometimes we have to take the bad with the good. If I end up in a facility, I plan to make the best of it. As Abraham Lincoln said: 'Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'"

Personally, I know I'll end up in a facility if I live long enough. I'm fine with that, and have planned for it. It's not something I look forward to, but I accept it as a possibility.
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Tell her the truth, that she almost certainly will end up in a facility. Everyone will assuming they don’t die “young”. It’s inevitable. Including you, me, and everyone else on this forum.

This assumes that Mom is not so far gone she’ll forget the conversation tomorrow or in an hour.

Best come to peace with reality instead of obsessing over the fantasy of “aging in place” indefinitely. Anyone that uses that phrase is trying to sell you something.
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I have just tried to discuss long term for the last year with my brothers and a bit with mom, for the last year. They wouldn't even speak about it

Now I'm realizing that the reason they wouldn't discuss a plan was because, I was there long term plan.
No one told me that! (Lol)

Now I'm trying to give them time to let it sink in that they need a new plan.

But they may just live in denial until they are pushed into making a decision.
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waytomisery Apr 23, 2024
Yep ,

It may take you giving 60 or 90 days notice to get your family to do somethlng .
I never thought “ helping “ my parents was going to last a dozen years . I kept them alive a lot longer than if they were left on their own at home. That’s for sure !! I lost count how many medical emergencies I found them in and called the ambulance.

You aren’t POA. So it’s easier for you to get out of the “ helping “ than some of the rest of us who couldn’t get parents to leave the house .

Plan a vacation with your husband . Then that’s your quitting date . If you won’t be home they will have to do somethlng .
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Well if you aren’t allowed to take her on tours ……..Next time she brings it up , ask her what are her plans . And remind her that your brother has POA, he is the one to help her navigate this .
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Anxietynacy Apr 22, 2024
Will definitely do! I'm sure it's being brought up now because they are realizing that I'm not going to do everything anymore. And that's what they where expecting.

I will mention it though to her if it's what she wants I will. She should know her choices , you are right about that
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Thanks guys, all great ideas.
Visiting AL is a great idea, but not possible now, not being POA, my brothers will loose it on me. One brother I know wants the house, the other one has put tons of money into it. So then mom will take there side and it would just be mess!! Probably disown me again( 🤔 Maybe it's not a bad idea 😆) anyways it would just be mom that gets hurt.

First thing first, working on making sure everyone knows that I'm not doing more than I am. And I think they are starting to see that. Maybe they will start thinking more about the future now.
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Anxiety,

Assisted Living provides a safe and convenient place to live. Your mom will have a staff at her disposal to help with her needs.

She will have her own personal space, meals provided, activities, shuttle buses are provided for doctor appointments, a chapel, etc.

I would tour the ones that you are interested in. Make an appointment to visit with your mother. Many of them will include lunch during your visit.

Best of luck to you!
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When she starts dropping those hints ask her what SHE has planned for her aging in place. She is looking for you to assure her that you will make everything all better for her but you can't. Don't avoid the discussion because they will assume you are on board with whatever scenario they have going on in their mind. Bluntly ask how they plan on dealing with it. Emphasis on THEY.
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Assisted living can be so nice! Staying in one's own home surrounded by one's outdated belongings, trash that doesn't get taken out, and things that break all the time - it isn't nice at all.

You need to tour some ALs. You should look at group homes. My BIL is in a group home that he loves. Only 8 people and 24/7 care. A regular neighborhood, and it was a private home before an RN bought it and turned it into a care place.

Some ALs allow residents to have their cats or dogs with them. Some board and care homes are owned by a family rather than a corporation and their children visit with the residents, as if they were family too.
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Mom will continue to decline to the point she won't know where she is. My Mom was in stage 6 or 7 when I placed her. Acclimated well to the AL and later to the LTC. She was easy. I never promised her anything and she never asked it of me.

Just went with my GF for lunch. On the way we dropped her Aunt off at her LTC facility. The woman is 100 1/2. She originally had a cottage but her needs became more so she is in AL, I think. Her attitude, she justs except things the way they are. She tries not to be demanding as she puts it. She thanked my GF for picking her up and dropping her off after doing her hair. "No need to sit around and wait for my aide with me", she said. Was happy she was able to get out and see the world. Got to love her.
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Tell her you will be there to visit and help if needed with Dr appointments. Also you can help if needed with errands. Tell her you will always be her daughter and only a phone call away.

Why would you be harsh with an elderly aging parent? You are still their relative unless you don't want to be considered their daughter. You know age happens to all of us if we are lucky. Sometimes and unfortunately younger people can have bad health for a variety of reasons. If you were that young person and needed a ride to a doctor appointment or a friendly reassuring phone call would your parent deny you?
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MargaretMcKen Apr 22, 2024
Liz, the truth may be unpleasant, but telling the truth isn’t ‘harsh’. You can tell it ‘nicely’, but if the person refuses to listen, the sugar coating isn’t working and you need to get a bit blunter.

Long term care demands are nothing like 'a ride to the doctor' or 'a friendly reassuring phone call'.
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I agree with lealonnie1 100%... you need to go tour one and either take her back to see it herself or video it with your own camera. Your Mom probably visited someone "back in the day" in a yucky NH and that's what she thinks they all are. Not so. Show her things are different now.
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I told my mother the truth — she couldn’t live alone because we were afraid for her safety. None of her daughters wanted to move into her house to take care of her as her needs were increasing , She needed more care than we could give and was running out of money. She was upset but that was the sorry state of her situation. I did not create the situation and did not feel one bit of guilt saying what I did.

I told her she needed to apply for Medicaid and be in a facility. At least she is there with my father so she is not alone.

One of their daughters visits every day so sit and talk a bit and make sure the staff is doing what they should be doing.

Don’t sugar coat it.
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An AL is hardly "a facility" for petesake! My parents felt lucky to be able to live in such a luxurious apartment in such a fancy building, tbh. All the hype is absurd. Go tour some ALs and see for yourself, then take mom with you. Then tell your brother you resign your job as a caregiver and let HIM deal with all this!

Only cover likens ALs to nursing homes and SNFs for rehabs. Those who have experience with them know the truth. We should all be so fortunate to have the finances to live our last years out in AL! I'd move there in a N.Y. minute.
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Fawnby Apr 23, 2024
Yes, no more cooking!!! Rides to doctors! Friends to eat dinner with!!! Movie night! Hot fudge sundaes in the rec room in the afternoon!!! What's not to like?

My friend was in one for a number of years. He had his own apartment with a kitchen, and his wife, who still lived in their house, visited most days. He kept their dog with him sometimes. Wife was a good bit younger and had a business to manage, but she spent the night with him frequently and they had a standing date for karaoke at a nearby club one night a week. She was often with him in the facility's restaurant for dinner. They both found this workable in their circumstance. One of the best things is that he wasn't ever alone or lonely. He had a group he hung out with, they played pool and went on outings together. I wish people who decry putting their parents in a "home" would visit places like these. I visited them there and enjoyed it. He lived to a happy 89 years old.
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A big "right on" to Alva. I'm 87 and agree completely even though I know I won't like it much (O.K., not at all) when/if facility time rolls around for me and my husband (94)!
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“Mom, since you brought this up, it’s a good time for me to tell you that in 90 days, it will be necessary. I cannot help any longer.
We will both grieve this, many times over, but before we start to cry, let’s tour three ALs, and make appointments with two different realtors. Let’s make those decisions in 30 days. That will give us 60 more days to pack up your house. And, no. I won’t change my mind.”

Onward. 🩷
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Sadly, mom has every right to be concerned, not necessarily from the nurses or aides, but the administration, many who will do just about anything to keep the money flowing.
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AlvaDeer Apr 22, 2024
Yes, she is right to know the facts. And the facts are that if we live too long or become too fragile, then care is, in my humble opinion, where we belong. I am 81. It is absolutely not right that I spend my daughter's life for her as well as my own. I have HAD my life. I need to go into care when I must, and she needs to have her own life for herself and her hubby while she can, cover. These years, now she is 62 and he is 69, are the most free years they have. They should not spend them in the 10th circle of Hades with an old bag like me!!!! It would SHATTER me to think they would, and they have been told better for all their lives. You and I are of an age. We have HAD OUR LIVES. It isn't right for us to want our loved ones to jump on our burning funeral pyres in my own humble opinion.
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You say

"I don't blame you for worrying. You are smart and you know it is a distinct possibility. I can't and won't give up my life to do in home care.
I feel bad, Mom. You're right to grieve over this, to yell, scream, cry and be angry. This is tough, and when it happens to me I will be the first to weep. And if I live long enough it WILL happen to me.
I'm so sorry. I hate to see this for you, but without giving up my own right to a life there is little I can do about it but grieve along with you.
I will visit you; I will help you the best I can. I will hope that we are both surprised and you may actually like it more than you now think you will. I hope so. That's what happened for the brother of a friend I talk to on our elder forum.
I am no Saint mom; you haven't been either. I am glad you can share how tough this is. We are just two human's with limitations doing the best we can. I wish I had better answers for you, but I don't."

Something along those lines. All the things you ALREADY KNOW. Because you DO know the truth here, A. You didn't cause this, you aren't responsible for this, and you can't fix this. You just have to be honest with her and with yourself. Life isn't about happiness. Sorry. It never was. Your Mom is an old gal. She has had many unhappy times in her life, and this is just one more.
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Anxietynacy Apr 22, 2024
Thank you so much Alva. 😓, you are an 😇
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Tell her Rehab is not like AL . Has she seen any AL facilities ? Maybe take her on tours if she will be able to afford AL.
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Anxietynacy Apr 22, 2024
Oh if it was up to me I would sell her house and get her in a really good place, soon. But none of that is in my power.
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