What to do when your parent does not meet ADL requirements, cannot afford assisted living, and is not safe living alone?

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What to do when your parent does not meet ADL requirements, cannot afford assisted living, and is not safe living alone?

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The national median cost of assisted living is $3,495 a month. Medicaid won't pay for assisted living, only for an aide in the home, which has recently become much more difficult now that 3 ADLs are required to be eligible and there is a longer wait time for processing (as in months) than before because of the new 2.5 year lookback. The other option for coverage by Medicaid is a nursing home. I have a parent who is 95 and there is no other money beyond social security at this point, which leaves a $1495 gap for assisted living. I can't assist with that financially. He has diabetes and is losing his ability to walk, uses a walker, can't feel his legs (but still drives!). He has nerve pain in his hands now too. He lives alone in the middle of nowhere. Those medic alert buttons don't work out there, no cell service. Anyway, at this point he would not be eligible for a Medicaid aide since he can do everything on the ADL list - just barely. I really don't want to move in with him, but I don't see another option. My husband and I live about 2 hours from him now. Where he lives there is very little support for seniors, it's the middle of nowhere. You cannot find a housekeeper, for example. I go up there once a week to clean. And I cannot imagine helping him with the bathroom, if it comes to that. The house is in horrible shape, very neglected, ugly inside. Needs a huge amount of expensive work. And I hate it there, so I am very worried about eventually (probably within the next 6 months) having to move in there. We live in a one bedroom in the city - moving to a two bedroom is not an option and he would not come here anyway. I have two siblings living within one mile of him who cannot help in any way, financially or otherwise. I only mention them because I am sure to get questions about siblings - so just consider me an only child. We own his home, having bailed him out of the loan he had on it, so he cannot sell that and we hope to get our money back eventually after putting a lot of work into the house. Any advice? I'm stuck with having to move in, I believe.

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Is your dad a veteran? If so depending on where and when he served he may qualify for benefits from the VA. Diabetes San be considered a “service connected” disability depending on his service. If dad is a Veteran check with a local Veterans Assistance Commission office they will help to determine eligibility

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As a last resort can you set up a Go Fund Me page to get financial help with fixing the house and to pay for a caregiver to come in to assist with basic care? Check with the country where he lives to see what they suggest. Get a reporter to write a story about him - is he a Vet who has fallen on hard times and needs help? did he used to own a business in his community and he reached out to help others? is he a member of any organizations (church-Lions-VFW-etc)? Find something about his life that would make an interesting story and end the story with a plea for help to afford him assistance now and then and to keep his independence in his own home as long as possible. Can his friends/neighbors help get the word out that he needs assistance with ADLs? Does he qualify for Social Security Disability funds? What kinds of national rural assistance programs are available for you to check out (ElderCare 800-677-1116) or the local area agency on Aging. AARP Caregiving Resources 877-333-5885. Would Habitat for Humanity be able to help with fixing up the house? Have you called the Red Cross or United Way to see if they know how to contact volunteer caregivers in the area who could check on him daily and maybe some volunteer home remodelers who would be able to contribute work and materials to fix up the house? Call some home remodeling companies to see if they have people who would be willing to help with labor and materials in exchange for the good will and some good PR.
Good luck! This country is chock full of people who want to help so reach out and find a way to find these marvelous do-gooders. Put the word out on your Facebook page, Twitter, or whatever social media you use. God Bless!

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I see a lot of suggestions here to put your father in a nursing home since Medicare might pay for that. SNF and Medicare have criteria for who is qualified to need that level of care. It is possible that your father would not be qualified so you need to explore other options.

While going thru similar situations with my parents I found that while few AL facilities (in Ohio at least) accept Medicaid waivers they will do so if the person has been a resident for at least 2 years. So if you can figure out how to finance that initial 2 years AL might still be an option. Note that AL's will have their own staff do an assessment to determine if your dad is a good fit both mentally and physically.

Mom did well in AL, terrible in SNF, but bloomed when we had her moved to another AL facility into Memory Care.

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Good information. I wish I knew before but will pass it onto someone I recently had a discussion about the waiver. In our county, there is a waitlist.

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If you own the house , it might be time to start remodeling it . Would your father agree to an apartment move , while it’s being renovated? The time you buy with this , might help you figure out where to place him later . The first step is getting him out of the house .It does sound unsafe for him to live there .So sorry you are having to deal with this .

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I have no real suggestions for options, esp if he's not impaired cognitively. You could find the best place and win the lottery to pay for it, but if he refuses to move, that's it. Even with dementia, you can't force someone to move (or do anything they refuse to do.) Our mother refused to move anywhere, ESP not to any AL, although before dementia that was in HER plans!

My only concern is this:
"The house is in horrible shape, very neglected, ugly inside. Needs a huge amount of expensive work."

Ugly, no problem, just avert your eyes for now.
Neglected, if it's only cosmetic, continue averting your eyes.
Horrible shape and expensive work needed? If there are structural, safety or hazardous issues, these shouldn't wait until he moves. Not only might it impact him or you, but as time goes on, it will only get worse and cost more, in time, effort and materials.

Not knowing what "horrible shape" means, one might suspect the worst, like crumbling stairs, bad chimney, bad heating system, bad roof, etc... IF it isn't all that bad, then no worries. Any reason why some work couldn't be tackled now, while he's still living in the place? If you go there to help and clean, why not tackle some of the cosmetic work, such as painting? Patching needed? Do that on one trip, then paint on the next. If there are serious underlying issues that need fixing first, then never mind those suggestions.

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Find an elder law attorney as soon as possible before making other decisions. They will be a lot more knowledgeable about the Medicaid and assisted living requirements. The rules vary from state to state. When we consulted the elder law attorney about POA for my 64 year old brother (most likely has early onset dementia), she explained that she could also help us with Medicaid for long term care and even knew of a good facility that she highly recommended. I was so grateful to hear that! They go from Assisted Living to memory care. After we get a diagnosis—hopefully next week—I will consult with her to see if we should get the application rolling. He has very few friends, lives alone in a very small town and his 22 year old daughter (works full time and goes to school) lives 45 minutes away. She’s daddy’s girl and helps when she can. Some days I think he’s okay and other days I’d like to move him tomorrow. All these decisions are especially difficult because I live 1500 miles away.

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My Mom’s healthcare social worker told me about a program called ALTEC...not sure of spelling. Adult Living something or other. It’s some system that helps pay for assisted living. There are care homes that are signed up for that, and some are less expensive than others or assisted livings. We are in AZ. I was confused about what the Social worker was saying about it, (as well as confused about the spelling). Perhaps you could dig around and see if it’s where you live. I’m wondering if he has a doctor or hospital in town who may have heard of this.

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ALTCS - Arizona Long Term Care System | ALTCS.com
www.altcs.com

You poked my curiosity as I'd not heard of this. Searching for ALTEC brought up anything but, so I added Assisted Living and came up with this.

Other than finding it, I didn't check it out. This particular "program" is for AZ. There may be similar other programs in other states. Varied searching online or query with doc or hospital might reveal more.

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I agree you should sign up as soon as possible for state Medicaid. Also: 1) In California (and maybe other states), there is an assisted living waiver program that makes up the difference between his income and the cheapest facilities that the state will pay for and 2) There may be low-income housing he could sign up for in the interim; there's a waitlist for those as well.

Although there are ADLs, there are also IADLs (Instrumental Activities of Daily Living). Your state Medicaid program should take both into account. Has your father been diagnosed with any cognitive or mental health issues? Those also should be taken into account.
https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/what-are-adls-and-iadls/

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Jolo, the sooner you apply the sooner the clock starts for the penalty period.

You never know what is going to happen until you start.

One thing I know is that the money is only a problem if he was giving it away. He could spend it how ever he chose, except for disposing of it to protect it from paying for his own care.

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Have him assessed by for the elderly waiver, this can cover cost of assisted living. You would call the public health department in his town and ask who does the assessments and make an appointment for him.

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Imho, you are in a real quandary. I don't advocate that you move in with him. Perhaps you and your husband could do the repairs on the house since it is your's and go from there There is no way that he should be operating a motor vehicle since he can't feel his legs. Disable the auto by any means possible. Prayers sent.

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You should not have to move in with him if this is not what you want to do. Your first responsibility is to your husband, and you're entitled to your life. First be sure all of his paperwork is in order while he's still capable mentally (you may have already done this and may be his POA). If he has no assets, he doesn't need a will, but he should have POAs for financial and medical decisions, a living will that specifies his medical wishes if he becomes incapable of making decisions, and some banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms. Social Security also needs special permissions for you even talk to them about his affairs. If he doesn't have them, the forms should be simple and you might be able to do them without an attorney. Try to get in touch with networks and support services for seniors in his area so that you know the options. A social worker who deals with seniors would be able to advise you. This advice should be free. For this to work for both of you it sounds like he should be living closer to you. would he move to his own small apartment near you while he is still capable of doing everything? You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him to find out what he will agree to and telling him what you are capable of doing for him. If he agrees to moving, he'll probably need a lot of help with the downsizing and moving. Be honest with him about how much you can do for him and how it is getting very difficult to get aides to help him. You want him to be safe and cared for. Hopefully you can find a good compromise. Good luck and a big hug!

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"Social Security also needs special permissions for you even talk to them about his affairs."

If it's just to "talk" to them about something, usually the person, dad in this case, can give the okay over the phone. Beware if he has hearing issues!

In order to manage SS, the only LEGAL way, per SS, is to sign up as rep payee. Not sure how it would be handled today, with the virus around, but it's best to start with a local office, not the main 800 number, unless you like phone menus and being kept on hold for a long time!

I called MY local office, which isn't in the state mom lived in, got an appt and filed. They just asked a lot of questions and submit it. They didn't ask to look at anything and I did NOT take my mother with me. They do send notice to both you and the party involved, so the person can object if they want to. By then mom was in MC, so mail was held by the nurse. Mom wouldn't really understand it anyway! I had to have the address change done, as we were selling her condo and you can't forward federal mail.

The LEGAL note is from THEIR paperwork that came with the approval. No one has the right to "manage" another person's SS and POAs don't work for federal entities.

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Your situation is fairly common. There can be a period of years when a person is not impaired enough to be eligible for Medicaid, but is too disabled to manage alone due to inability to cook, clean, shop, manage finances, perform home maintenance, etc. There is no government support in most places for people in that situation.

You father can't afford assisted living. The question is: Would he go to assisted living if he could afford it, or is he insisting on staying in his own home, decrepit as it it?

I like the idea of telling him he has to move out of the house so repairs can be made, or even selling it out from under him. Money-wise, I believe the only affordable option for him would be a senior group home. My understanding is that they are much cheaper than assisted living and perhaps you could find one that he could afford, maybe even closer to your location than he is now.

Since you've already ascertained that he doesn't meet the requirements for Medicaid, I don't think an elder care lawyer is what you need. I'd seek the advice of a geriatric manager manager, if I were you. Or, if you're good at internet research, look for senior group homes to evaluate. Some websites have them listed along with assisted living facilities but the number of beds will be less than a dozen and the owners will be private individuals, not a big corporation.

I don't think you have to, or should, move in with him. You would be putting your life on hold indefinitely, and the most likely would be overwhelmed with frustration and resentment.

Just my .02. Wishing you good luck with your decision.

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I could have written every word of your post. My parents lived out in the middle of no where, the house was a total disaster due to zero maintenance over the years, and a hoarder situation on top of it all. My father was totally delusional as far as what the situation was. I have no siblings, live 50 miles away, and work a full time night shift job and have my own family to take care of. My mother had a second stroke which was the (un)fortunate disaster that I needed to finally get her out of the house and into a very good memory care unit. I had spoken to his PCP about the situation and she agreed totally that he needed to get out of there too and some way, some how I managed to talk him into moving into the assisted living end of the same facility my mother was in, "to support her in her new living arrangement." This was a little over a year ago, but in about a year the money will be gone except for a very small social security income for both of them. I'm certain my mother will qualify for a nursing home but my father is still walking, able to eat unassisted, can dress himself and bathe, bathroom etc. but has to be reminded to do these things or he just won't. He is unable to manage his meds and has no idea how to cook or manage his finances. One of his old neighbors told me he almost hit someone when he was out driving. He also has a diagnosis of Alzeimer's. I was fearing I would be legally obligated to have him move in with me. I have no spare bedroom, my husband and kids have both said no way, and he burned his bridges with me decades ago. There has been some very timely advice on this post for me also. I wish you good luck with everything and hopefully I can get through this some how also.

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There is absolutely no legal obligation for you to have him move in with you.

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If you own his home sell it, get whatever you can for it and use that money for his care. Then he will qualify for Medicaid. Do not expect government or other entities to support him if he has assets like a house.

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The father does not hold the asset - poster holds the asset. It's poster and her husband's house, from what it sounds like.

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The only thing I can think of is to ask if either of you are willing to learn some home repair skills? I own my own home in a densely populated area. The costs of home repair has skyrocketed - I was quoted $3000 from a handyman to paint three rooms, walls only. This did not include ceilings or windows and I’d have to buy the supplies. I did it myself for $200 - paint, brushes, drop cloths & painters tape.

I have watched a lot of YouTube home repair and improvement videos. Have learned more than I ever thought I would. Started small by replacing a deadbolt lock by myself. With each repair task have built more confidence in my abilities & knowledge of how plumbing, roofing, and electrical works in my home.

It’s not rocket science by any means. It’s basically following directions and knowing your limits - not strong enough, fear of heights, etc.

I have done patch jobs on leaky pipes and part of the roof to mitigate damage (buy time) until COVID is over. Am a short, skinny lady & my neighbors think I’m nuts. If I can do it, anyone can.

This may not help, but tackling a small item on your list, home repair or not, may give you a boost of confidence.

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Good for you on doing the repairs yourself! The roofing part sounds dangerous and electrical is scary. I was trying to hire contractors last spring and summer for my house repairs and the estimates are off the charts because of covid and plain greed! So needless to say the repairs aren't getting done. $1500 for a window that does not include labor and installation. $2000 for a plain basic front door. $3500 to remove a leaking skylight in my garage. The front man for the roofing company used a filter on his cell phone to show me how bad the roof was. I may be an old lady, but I didn't just fall off the turnip truck! They love to try to scam the elderly everyday. I told him to get off my property.

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Whatever you do, do NOT take this person into your home, nor should you move into his house. It is time he be placed into a nursing home where Medicaid does take over. Medicaid will NOT pay anything for assisted living and YOU should NOT under any circumstances be paying the bills. You might need that money for you one day. Get medical help wherever and however and get him into a nursing home. Call the Office on Aging and local authorities as to how to go about this and possibly talk with an eldercare attorney. You can't wait.

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Medicaid nursing home care qualifications are not only financial ones. There must be medical qualifications and OP believes dad is still "too healthy" to qualify. Group home may be workable.

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There is a Medicaid waiver program that uses different criterion for home care than regular Medicaid home care uses. The criterion is based more on safety and supervision and it sounds like your father would qualify. Please look into it, it may be exactly what you need. It's called the Nursing Home Transition & Diversion Program. You really should contact a well regarded elder law attorney who can guide you to all your options. One important thing is that the car should be sold because it sounds like he would be in danger & put others in danger if he is driving. Some things are non-negotiable and this is one of them.

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You are in NYC so keep in mind, Medicaid programs vary by state and are not the same. NYC and NY as a whole has better Medicaid programs than other states and other states do not have Medicaid programs that don’t have an income & asset test so you really can’t say that the OPs dad qualifies for the Medicaid program you reference. It’s a NY program and the OPs profile doesn’t give a location.

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Is your father a veteran who served in a time of war? There is a VA pension called Aid and Attendence available to veterans, their spouses and dependents. My Dad was in the army at the very end of WWII and served only 18 months. He didn’t qualify for a regular pension which requires 24 months. After he died I found out about A and A and was able to get it for Mom, $1228 a month which was a big help in covering her AL fees.

We sold her house and used that money to pay the rest of her fees. You said you own the house but consider selling it and using the money for your Dads living expenses. It will be cheaper and much less stressful to you than having to move in with him. I can speak from experience that not everyone is cut out to be a full time caregiver.

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Bottom line is you need to speak with an elder care attorney specializing in Medicaid. Depending on which state you live in, along with federal guidelines, will give the attorney and you options as to what can be done in your particular situation. You may have to go to court to get legal guardianship of your father in order to keep him in a skilled nursing facility if it comes down to that, even if you are his POA. You need to get your father's primary care doctor to testify that your father cannot be left alone and, possibly, have your father tested for a psychological evaluation if the court doesn't order one. These are all things you need to discuss with your elder law attorney. Yes, it costs a bit of money but, in the long run, you can't afford not to seek an attorney out. I went through a similar situation with my father who has since passed away. I know he was where he needed to be to get the best care possible. I had no alternative as I was also taking care of my elderly mother and my husband, who suffers from dementia, and also suffer from my own health issues. There just comes a time when we cannot do everything ourselves and, even if we have siblings, they may not or will not physically contribute. I am grateful for the help the elder law attorney has given me and continues to give me as my mother is currently in a skilled nursing facility and I am a full-time caregiver for my husband at home. Believe me, especially now with Covid, it is NOT nor has it been EASY. I am blessed to have good friends and family who do have some understanding of what I'm going through but no one really 'gets it' unless you've actually been there and done that. I'm also a faithful Christian and am praying daily, along with others, that I can get through each day and be of service to my husband. I speak with my 90 year old mother daily on the phone since I'm unable to physically see her since Covid restrictions in March of 2020. I wish you well in your journey with your father and hope that you can find answers that will be helpful.

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She does not have to pursue guardianship, a State social worker can be called to check on his welfare. State social worker can advise and find the best solution for him.

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People who need help should move to where the help is, especially if the helpers do not want/prefer to live where the needy person lives. Since you own the home and it needs a lot of repairs, tell him he needs to move out while you get repairs completed. Talk to residential facilities that will take his Medicaid and have him placed into whichever place take him while the home is repaired. Then, take your time to get the home repaired as you can afford and have time to complete the work. My bet is that the "temporary home" will be the "permanent home" when all the repairs are completed.

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Soutdated like you'll have to move in until he meets the standard to be able to live in a Senior home which he will hate.

You can start doing work on the home as you live there or you can sell the place and use his social to pay for ya'll to move in a 2 Bedroom Apartment.

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No, she does not have to move in.

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You and your husband own the home where your father lives, is that right? Does he pay you rent? Is there any written agreement for him to live there? Either way, you and your husband are responsible for maintaining the house! It's a pity that you and your husband bailed your father out of a loan on a house that you cannot afford to maintain and that your father will not maintain.

Is there any chance that you and your husband can take out a home equity line of credit on the house, get it habitable (no cosmetics - ugly doesn't matter - safe matters) and move your father out while it's being renovated? Tell him you need to have it tented for termites, for example, and then DO NOT MOVE HIM BACK IN but rather put it up for sale. Recoup your money because you and your husband will need it for your own retirement.

Find a nursing home or senior residence that accepts respite, get the Medicaid paperwork rolling, and then let that become his longterm residence. At least he will be safe. He will never be happy but at least he will be living somewhere that's habitable. Small care homes are usually cheaper and your father may be more suited to a smaller place.

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You own the house but are not maintaining it. You bought the house though it’s in horrible shape. You appear to have foreclosed every possible option to bring about change except moving in with him though you hope to recoup the money you have invested in his dilapidated house. You have siblings that live out there in the middle of nowhere with him but cannot help at all? Are they institutionalized or mentally/physically disabled? And yet this guy is in good enough shape to “barely” be able to take care of himself. Seems the best solution is indeed to move in with him, fix up the house which you own, and sell the house after he dies or goes to a nursing home. This will all be resolved very quickly. The statistical probability of him living more than a couple of years is not very great. And perhaps you’ll find living in the middle of nowhere better than being crammed into a one bedroom in the city. Good luck.

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The average life expectancy of a 95 year older is 3.5 years. Avail yourself of any free service you can get your hands on...SNAP, heating assistance, Food bank, SSI help with rent; everything you can apply for on line or in person. If you live in the house, your needs will be figured in but probably won’t make him
ineligible for the grant. Your objective is to survive while using available funds to get as much for the house as possible. It will not last that long and be worth it! You can place in a Medicaid nursing home if need be when the time comes. It sounds like you are well positioned to obtain government services, including housekeeper or nursing support. And you haven’t said you don’t like him or have big issues with him. Think of it as an opportunity to perhaps improve your own position instead of a burden.

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He is 95. Did he service in the military in WWII? There are veteran's benefits that might be able to fill the gap with assisted living as well as veteran's homes. Please look into it. Also, in my state there is a program that allows up to 24 hours a week or so of assistance, that allows the person to have income that is higher than the medicaid cut-off. They have figured out that it's far cheaper for people to age in place as long as possible. There are charitable groups who help to improve the homes of the elderly. Also, don't rule out that there could be a government organization that can help. Sometimes fuel assistance groups will replace a furnace or oil tank and provide insulation and weatherization. Councils on aging can provide the installation of grab bars and other safety devices.

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The house does not belong to the eligible person. It belongs to their landlords. There are eligibility implications.

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Call 911 and report that he is having difficulty breathing, has chest pain etc. He will be taken to the hospital for evaluation and they will admit him. Meet with the social worker and explain that he has dementia (everyone his age does)) and he is incapable of returning to his home, and that you are unable to provide care.
The process to place him in a nursing home will begin and he will stay in the hospital until a place is secured. This will be covered by Medicaid as he has no assets.

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"Call 911 and report that he is having difficulty breathing, has chest pain etc. He will be taken to the hospital for evaluation and they will admit him." We are currently in a pandemic and ERs and hospital beds are at a premium. Falsely calling 911 to report him having difficulty breathing is reckless, if not criminal, in this state of the Nation. Ambulance EMTs are fighting exposure to COVID. Falsely reporting an emergency when there is not one is just wrong.

My advice to the OP is that there are too many POAs. Too many cooks in the kitchen with availability to Dad's finances. She said her father's finances are a mess. Is it any wonder? She's 2 hours away, yet the siblings down the road can't or won't help Dad with day to day living. It seems his well being is left to the only compassionate sibling left. It's sad.

I'm not familiar with APS but if Dad lives in a rural area without a lot of social services available, I doubt he will be able to avail himself of any of them without her help because the other siblings apparently don't have any inclination to see after their father's well-being.

As for moving in with him, DON'T GO THERE. Unfortunately, as others on this forum have found out, you just have to wait for a TRUE emergency to take him to the ER (i.e. a fall or illness). If siblings are concerned about his well being, have a "family meeting" without Dad to discuss options. Then and only then will you be on the same page as to his care. Discuss what would happen if Dad fell and needed to be taken to an ER. EVERYONE would need to be on the same page when speaking with the Social Worker/Discharge Coordinator. If even ONE sibling tells them he can live on his own or that they'll take care of him (when they really won't), the Social Worker will discharge Dad to home and then it begins all over again. The job of Discharge Planners is that -- discharge patients out of the hospital asap, especially during a pandemic.

It seems that in the majority of families with siblings, care of elderly parents is most ALWAYS left to one person. It's always easier for siblings to make excuses as to why ONE sibling should give up their lives, home, mental health so THEY can live their lives without interruption. Again, sad.

I hope every caregiver who is reading this right now has a plan for THEIR care. Don't wait until you don't have a say. Get your legal paperwork in order NOW. Find out NOW who you can depend on to carry out your wishes. Sometimes your children aren't those people.

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You say he barely meets requirements? Chances are he needs supervision with some of the tasks. I thought the same of my husband but on advice I hired a elder care attorney who helped me through the process. Yes my husband could dress himself but often would were the same cloths for days. Yes he could shower himself but I noticed he would forget to wash his hair. Contact an Elder care attorney to help you file Medicaid do not try to do it yourself Medicaid is complicated. I wish you the best.

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I concur with seeking EC atty - there are many who offer an initial consult for free (30m or so) - have all your questions and concerns drawn up ahead of time to make best use of the free time! Add Q on the costs for services, including guardianship (just in case it ends up going that way to resolve things.)

Since you bought the house over 5 years ago, it shouldn't be an issue. Definitely try to get a handle on his expenses, putting focus on any substantial withdrawals.

Dressing oneself, wearing the same clothes... My mother had enough clothes to open a store (along with matching purses, shoes, etc)!!! Yet when dementia kicked in, we tried the aides first, so some cameras were installed to be able to monitor things. It reached a point where this clothes horse was wearing the same hum-drum outfits over and over again. Once it was 6 days in a row! Not even the "nice" stuff! I will wear items more than once, but I wasn't into clothes like she was, and I could notice food stains on my clothes!

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Can you and your co-POA siblings act independently of each other? What kind of POA do you have? Do you or anyone else have a HCPOA?

What does your H say about moving in with him?

Do you have any suspicions of problems there might be with Medicaid eligibility? Has he been giving money away to your siblings?

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It reads like you are prepared to do everything his way. Why is that?

To give up your own life to move in with him, to live his life, in his home, his way without any thought to your own.

I am curious... What does your Father say when you ask about HIS future plans?

Sometimes you get surprising answers... Live here till I keel over one day... Go off to some nursing home I suppose..

Maybe you will get an idea of what he is willing to sacrifice. Afterall it is HIS life.

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Good point! Finding out the why they won’t make an adjustment in their life to what we think is necessary. Sometimes it is because they are overwhelmed by their life as well as understandably attached to all that is familiar. There needs to be a change made, and that can be made by choice or time, but it will be made. If he stays home alone a likely scenario, given his condition, is him falling and dying on the floor, alone. My dad was in that middle land of qualifying for help and refused to move closer to any of his three kids. He fell, on a Thursday night and meals on wheels heard his cries for help on Friday mid morning. He would’ve died alone on the bathroom floor. My stomach hurts when I think of that, as well as the months leading up to him not eating properly and being alone. He had me take my mom with ALZ to live cross country with me and enjoyed himself until he couldn’t take care of himself. He wanted to die at home. I got him someone to clean. She was willing to cook meals for him, he refused. He’s in a nursing home now under hospice care. We don’t all just die peacefully in our sleep. Gotta decide what you can live with, and what he wants and then live with it- after all is said and done.

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JoLo, you basically have to let the State take over. DO NOT move in with him, it will make it harder to get him placed. If you are not able to provide care for him, you tell the social workers you are not able. You are under no obligation legally to take care of him. You likely will not be able to provide a safe environment anyway. The State social workers will find a facility for him if necessary.

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What to do when your parent does not meet ADL requirements, cannot afford assisted living, and is not safe living alone?

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