What to do when your parent does not meet ADL requirements, cannot afford assisted living, and is not safe living alone?

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What to do when your parent does not meet ADL requirements, cannot afford assisted living, and is not safe living alone?

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The national median cost of assisted living is $3,495 a month. Medicaid won't pay for assisted living, only for an aide in the home, which has recently become much more difficult now that 3 ADLs are required to be eligible and there is a longer wait time for processing (as in months) than before because of the new 2.5 year lookback. The other option for coverage by Medicaid is a nursing home. I have a parent who is 95 and there is no other money beyond social security at this point, which leaves a $1495 gap for assisted living. I can't assist with that financially. He has diabetes and is losing his ability to walk, uses a walker, can't feel his legs (but still drives!). He has nerve pain in his hands now too. He lives alone in the middle of nowhere. Those medic alert buttons don't work out there, no cell service. Anyway, at this point he would not be eligible for a Medicaid aide since he can do everything on the ADL list - just barely. I really don't want to move in with him, but I don't see another option. My husband and I live about 2 hours from him now. Where he lives there is very little support for seniors, it's the middle of nowhere. You cannot find a housekeeper, for example. I go up there once a week to clean. And I cannot imagine helping him with the bathroom, if it comes to that. The house is in horrible shape, very neglected, ugly inside. Needs a huge amount of expensive work. And I hate it there, so I am very worried about eventually (probably within the next 6 months) having to move in there. We live in a one bedroom in the city - moving to a two bedroom is not an option and he would not come here anyway. I have two siblings living within one mile of him who cannot help in any way, financially or otherwise. I only mention them because I am sure to get questions about siblings - so just consider me an only child. We own his home, having bailed him out of the loan he had on it, so he cannot sell that and we hope to get our money back eventually after putting a lot of work into the house. Any advice? I'm stuck with having to move in, I believe.

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First, are you his durable PoA? If not and he is of sound mind, this needs to get in place right away. This can be done by downloading the forms for his state off Legalzoom.com or Rocketlawyer.com. You will need 1 copy for him, 1 for each PoA so that everyone has a notarized original. You may need to have witnesses when notarized. Banks and hospitals have notarys. So do UPS Stores. Or you may need to find a mobile notary in his area. Digital notary services are becoming a thing as well.

If you already have DPoA, great! If not and he refuses to take this step then you will need to enlighten him to the reality called Ward of the County or guardianship. Please do not move in with him. This gives the false impression that he is still "independent" and able. He is not. You may want to consult with a reputable faith-based facility near you (if you will be managing his affairs going forward). Faith-based facilities are more flexible and understanding. They may allow him in to LTC and therefore he may qualify for Medicaid. They did this for my MIL. In my state the look-back is 5 years. My advice is to resist moving in with him. If you need to call APS then so be it, it will get him placed sooner. Also, please go into his state's DMV and anonymously report him as a dangerous driver so that he doesn't hurt others (this happened in my own family -- my uncle went through a red light and it killed his own wife and dog and injured the other party). Remove his car physically if that's what it takes. I wish you much success and peace in your heart as you move through this transitional time with him.

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Wow. That is so sad and frightening. I think the DMV reporting might vary state to state. True story: My father had always been a terrible driver, reckless, speeding tickets, had his license revoked twice when younger, numerous accidents and fender benders. Never his fault of course (yea right.) No one would ride with him. It only got worse as he got older and more inattentive. In Florida, we had sent in the report to the DMV (he was in his 90's by then.) We heard nothing for months. One day I met his PC doctor who came to the Independent Living apartment do to a checkup. My father had smoked non filter cigarettes for 65 years, had half the right lung removed at age 80 and was supposed to be on oxygen but was too vain to be seen dragging the tank around. Doctor told him straight up his lungs were shot. Dad had the nerve to tell the doc that it wasn't from smoking, his lobe was removed because it was revenge by someone he knew in NY who told the surgeon he was a sex offender! (Yes, he was also paranoid delusional and a sociopath. Whenever he felt slighted or didn't get his way, that's the story he told to anyone who would listen.) Afterwards, I pulled the doc aside and he filled out the same form, signed it and mailed it to the DMV. Lo and behold, my father finally got a letter from the state capital that he had to go get tested or surrender his license. I took him to the DMV personally and he surrendered the license. We finally got his keys away from him and sold the car. Lost count of how many vehicles he totaled in his life time. I could fill a book with the insanity that was my father!

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I don't believe that you should be moving in with him, into a house that is in "horrible shape, very neglected and ugly inside". He shouldn't be living in those conditions either. It sounds like he is probably ready to be put into a nursing home, since he can't afford an assisted living facility, and you know that Medicaid will help cover that. Sometimes the decisions we have to make aren't easy, but they should always be made with the best interest of the involved parties in mind. And in your case, the nursing home makes the most sense. That way you will know he is safe, and taken care of, instead of worrying about him out in the boonies, in a house that's falling down around him, with no cell service and no medic alert service either. It's really a no brainer.

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Sadly, your father’s condition will worsen and he most likely will need increasing amounts of help including with bathing and bathroom needs. It’s rare to reach his age and maintain all those skills, not his fault. When a person can’t live on their own and care for their needs, it’s on them to figure out what to do next, or if not competent, it’s on their POA. It’s not on you to change your life and move to accommodate him. Looks like his choices are limited by location and income, and a nursing home with Medicaid paying for it may be what’s coming. I’m sorry you’re faced with this, but please don’t move and put yourself in a position you already know isn’t good

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This is a good point to consider: the elder has to make the accommodations, not the caregiver. Just simple fairness.

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I and all my siblings have POA. Actually, the trouble will be that he will refuse to go to a nursing home. He has said many times he will not go. And he throws fits if he doesn't like something suggested about his life. Big fat disturbing and sometimes violent fits where things get thrown at you. Don't get me wrong, our relationship has never been better than it is now. But I stay away from certain topics and always agree with him to keep the peace. And since mentally he is in fine shape, I don't see how I can accomplish this unless he is in a more advanced state of decline. And when that happens, there is at least 3 months waiting for the green light from Medicaid. I know from doing this for my mother. 3 months, if you are lucky. And I would have to take care of him during that time. I am not putting him in a nursing home prior to that green light because what if there is some problem and Medicaid refuses him and then we would have to pay for those months and then take him home. I have thought about reporting him to the DMV, but he hasn't had an accident and it is his only independent option. But I know you're probably right about that. Although, I think soon he will not be able to hoist himself into it. The truck he drives belongs to my sister's business, they bought it for him, so I have no right to do anything with it. And she won't do anything about it. She is not pro-active at all. Given all these caveats, I see the writing on the wall.

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Let him be, call APS to check on him.

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The answer is a Nursing Home paid by Medicaid. You do not have to move in, in fact I would advise against it. You can contact APS, they will check on him and monitor his status, and when he is unable to be alone anymore, and meets SNF requirements, that's where he will go.

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But what if after that Medicaid has some problem with his finances? And I end up having to pay for the time he spent in the NH?

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If you do not call APS they can claim neglect.

Right now it is self neglect but, as time passes and he needs more help than he is getting and you know this, that is when it becomes a situation for you and your siblings.

Call now so that he is on their radar and you have proof that you have been trying to help him with the situation. They also know about and can implement services that the public can not. They can also force issues that you can not. Call APS today. He is a vulnerable senior that needs help.

You dealt with Medicaid for your mom, what do you know about your dads finances that you are worried about? You can see a certified elder law attorney to get advice on fixing whatever you are concerned about or find that it is nothing to worry about.

Best of luck finding the best solution for your dad.

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Yes, his finances need explaining and back-up documents. It's kind of a nightmare to get together as I saw when I did this for my mom several years ago. There may be substantial penalties as well.

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Yes, you have it right. The cost of living, and even caring for people who will live to almost 100 years of age will not be supported well or easily in a system that now has most of the money in the hands of the 1%; and those earning low wages will not be able to save for their own care. This will get worse, not better.
You say "we own his home". Hopefully you bought it for fair market value, but if he still had a loan on that home, the profits from it will last only a very short time.
Medicaid WILL pay for his care in a nursing home. But you may not be well satisfied with that nursing home and it certainly will not be on a par with a good ASL place.
So here you are. The choices are as you say. A nursing home and medicaid. Or move in with you and be cared for by you. Your parent is 95 so that would last at most 5 years in normal circumstances. Some are looking at this with parents in their early 70s so they are looking at two decades of caregiving. There are no other choices now, at this point, when it has come to this. And given that in our nation some are paying Federal Student Loans they were lured into when they are on Social Security, I can't see things getting better.
I suspect your family may not want to give up their own lives in the care of an elder. So you are down to Medicaid and the kind of care it pays for in a Nursing home. This varies widely across our country.
And I am left with the helpless words we who answer anything on Forum are often left with. I wish you the best of luck. I caution you against using your own money, as you are going to need every single penny you can save for your own time in this position.
I am so sorry. But you got it all, and you got it right. And like so many things, there is no "fix-it" and there is no answer.
I caution you against "moving in there" as well. Often the people we see do this, sacrificing years of their lives in care, end up homeless, jobless, without job history and penniless as well as ending mentally unstable from attempting 24/7 care. You can read their stories all over the Forum.

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Thank you. We bought the home more than 5 years ago, so it's not an issue.

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Given that Medicaid has a five-year rule for transfer of assets, the first step is to consult with an elder care or RE attorney about whether or if the real property can be liened in whole or in part for payback and what, if anything, you can do to shield yourselves from that possibility.

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JoLo, you basically have to let the State take over. DO NOT move in with him, it will make it harder to get him placed. If you are not able to provide care for him, you tell the social workers you are not able. You are under no obligation legally to take care of him. You likely will not be able to provide a safe environment anyway. The State social workers will find a facility for him if necessary.

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It reads like you are prepared to do everything his way. Why is that?

To give up your own life to move in with him, to live his life, in his home, his way without any thought to your own.

I am curious... What does your Father say when you ask about HIS future plans?

Sometimes you get surprising answers... Live here till I keel over one day... Go off to some nursing home I suppose..

Maybe you will get an idea of what he is willing to sacrifice. Afterall it is HIS life.

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Good point! Finding out the why they won’t make an adjustment in their life to what we think is necessary. Sometimes it is because they are overwhelmed by their life as well as understandably attached to all that is familiar. There needs to be a change made, and that can be made by choice or time, but it will be made. If he stays home alone a likely scenario, given his condition, is him falling and dying on the floor, alone. My dad was in that middle land of qualifying for help and refused to move closer to any of his three kids. He fell, on a Thursday night and meals on wheels heard his cries for help on Friday mid morning. He would’ve died alone on the bathroom floor. My stomach hurts when I think of that, as well as the months leading up to him not eating properly and being alone. He had me take my mom with ALZ to live cross country with me and enjoyed himself until he couldn’t take care of himself. He wanted to die at home. I got him someone to clean. She was willing to cook meals for him, he refused. He’s in a nursing home now under hospice care. We don’t all just die peacefully in our sleep. Gotta decide what you can live with, and what he wants and then live with it- after all is said and done.

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Can you and your co-POA siblings act independently of each other? What kind of POA do you have? Do you or anyone else have a HCPOA?

What does your H say about moving in with him?

Do you have any suspicions of problems there might be with Medicaid eligibility? Has he been giving money away to your siblings?

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You say he barely meets requirements? Chances are he needs supervision with some of the tasks. I thought the same of my husband but on advice I hired a elder care attorney who helped me through the process. Yes my husband could dress himself but often would were the same cloths for days. Yes he could shower himself but I noticed he would forget to wash his hair. Contact an Elder care attorney to help you file Medicaid do not try to do it yourself Medicaid is complicated. I wish you the best.

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I concur with seeking EC atty - there are many who offer an initial consult for free (30m or so) - have all your questions and concerns drawn up ahead of time to make best use of the free time! Add Q on the costs for services, including guardianship (just in case it ends up going that way to resolve things.)

Since you bought the house over 5 years ago, it shouldn't be an issue. Definitely try to get a handle on his expenses, putting focus on any substantial withdrawals.

Dressing oneself, wearing the same clothes... My mother had enough clothes to open a store (along with matching purses, shoes, etc)!!! Yet when dementia kicked in, we tried the aides first, so some cameras were installed to be able to monitor things. It reached a point where this clothes horse was wearing the same hum-drum outfits over and over again. Once it was 6 days in a row! Not even the "nice" stuff! I will wear items more than once, but I wasn't into clothes like she was, and I could notice food stains on my clothes!

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Call 911 and report that he is having difficulty breathing, has chest pain etc. He will be taken to the hospital for evaluation and they will admit him. Meet with the social worker and explain that he has dementia (everyone his age does)) and he is incapable of returning to his home, and that you are unable to provide care.
The process to place him in a nursing home will begin and he will stay in the hospital until a place is secured. This will be covered by Medicaid as he has no assets.

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"Call 911 and report that he is having difficulty breathing, has chest pain etc. He will be taken to the hospital for evaluation and they will admit him." We are currently in a pandemic and ERs and hospital beds are at a premium. Falsely calling 911 to report him having difficulty breathing is reckless, if not criminal, in this state of the Nation. Ambulance EMTs are fighting exposure to COVID. Falsely reporting an emergency when there is not one is just wrong.

My advice to the OP is that there are too many POAs. Too many cooks in the kitchen with availability to Dad's finances. She said her father's finances are a mess. Is it any wonder? She's 2 hours away, yet the siblings down the road can't or won't help Dad with day to day living. It seems his well being is left to the only compassionate sibling left. It's sad.

I'm not familiar with APS but if Dad lives in a rural area without a lot of social services available, I doubt he will be able to avail himself of any of them without her help because the other siblings apparently don't have any inclination to see after their father's well-being.

As for moving in with him, DON'T GO THERE. Unfortunately, as others on this forum have found out, you just have to wait for a TRUE emergency to take him to the ER (i.e. a fall or illness). If siblings are concerned about his well being, have a "family meeting" without Dad to discuss options. Then and only then will you be on the same page as to his care. Discuss what would happen if Dad fell and needed to be taken to an ER. EVERYONE would need to be on the same page when speaking with the Social Worker/Discharge Coordinator. If even ONE sibling tells them he can live on his own or that they'll take care of him (when they really won't), the Social Worker will discharge Dad to home and then it begins all over again. The job of Discharge Planners is that -- discharge patients out of the hospital asap, especially during a pandemic.

It seems that in the majority of families with siblings, care of elderly parents is most ALWAYS left to one person. It's always easier for siblings to make excuses as to why ONE sibling should give up their lives, home, mental health so THEY can live their lives without interruption. Again, sad.

I hope every caregiver who is reading this right now has a plan for THEIR care. Don't wait until you don't have a say. Get your legal paperwork in order NOW. Find out NOW who you can depend on to carry out your wishes. Sometimes your children aren't those people.

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He is 95. Did he service in the military in WWII? There are veteran's benefits that might be able to fill the gap with assisted living as well as veteran's homes. Please look into it. Also, in my state there is a program that allows up to 24 hours a week or so of assistance, that allows the person to have income that is higher than the medicaid cut-off. They have figured out that it's far cheaper for people to age in place as long as possible. There are charitable groups who help to improve the homes of the elderly. Also, don't rule out that there could be a government organization that can help. Sometimes fuel assistance groups will replace a furnace or oil tank and provide insulation and weatherization. Councils on aging can provide the installation of grab bars and other safety devices.

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The house does not belong to the eligible person. It belongs to their landlords. There are eligibility implications.

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You own the house but are not maintaining it. You bought the house though it’s in horrible shape. You appear to have foreclosed every possible option to bring about change except moving in with him though you hope to recoup the money you have invested in his dilapidated house. You have siblings that live out there in the middle of nowhere with him but cannot help at all? Are they institutionalized or mentally/physically disabled? And yet this guy is in good enough shape to “barely” be able to take care of himself. Seems the best solution is indeed to move in with him, fix up the house which you own, and sell the house after he dies or goes to a nursing home. This will all be resolved very quickly. The statistical probability of him living more than a couple of years is not very great. And perhaps you’ll find living in the middle of nowhere better than being crammed into a one bedroom in the city. Good luck.

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The average life expectancy of a 95 year older is 3.5 years. Avail yourself of any free service you can get your hands on...SNAP, heating assistance, Food bank, SSI help with rent; everything you can apply for on line or in person. If you live in the house, your needs will be figured in but probably won’t make him
ineligible for the grant. Your objective is to survive while using available funds to get as much for the house as possible. It will not last that long and be worth it! You can place in a Medicaid nursing home if need be when the time comes. It sounds like you are well positioned to obtain government services, including housekeeper or nursing support. And you haven’t said you don’t like him or have big issues with him. Think of it as an opportunity to perhaps improve your own position instead of a burden.

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You and your husband own the home where your father lives, is that right? Does he pay you rent? Is there any written agreement for him to live there? Either way, you and your husband are responsible for maintaining the house! It's a pity that you and your husband bailed your father out of a loan on a house that you cannot afford to maintain and that your father will not maintain.

Is there any chance that you and your husband can take out a home equity line of credit on the house, get it habitable (no cosmetics - ugly doesn't matter - safe matters) and move your father out while it's being renovated? Tell him you need to have it tented for termites, for example, and then DO NOT MOVE HIM BACK IN but rather put it up for sale. Recoup your money because you and your husband will need it for your own retirement.

Find a nursing home or senior residence that accepts respite, get the Medicaid paperwork rolling, and then let that become his longterm residence. At least he will be safe. He will never be happy but at least he will be living somewhere that's habitable. Small care homes are usually cheaper and your father may be more suited to a smaller place.

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Soutdated like you'll have to move in until he meets the standard to be able to live in a Senior home which he will hate.

You can start doing work on the home as you live there or you can sell the place and use his social to pay for ya'll to move in a 2 Bedroom Apartment.

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No, she does not have to move in.

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People who need help should move to where the help is, especially if the helpers do not want/prefer to live where the needy person lives. Since you own the home and it needs a lot of repairs, tell him he needs to move out while you get repairs completed. Talk to residential facilities that will take his Medicaid and have him placed into whichever place take him while the home is repaired. Then, take your time to get the home repaired as you can afford and have time to complete the work. My bet is that the "temporary home" will be the "permanent home" when all the repairs are completed.

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Bottom line is you need to speak with an elder care attorney specializing in Medicaid. Depending on which state you live in, along with federal guidelines, will give the attorney and you options as to what can be done in your particular situation. You may have to go to court to get legal guardianship of your father in order to keep him in a skilled nursing facility if it comes down to that, even if you are his POA. You need to get your father's primary care doctor to testify that your father cannot be left alone and, possibly, have your father tested for a psychological evaluation if the court doesn't order one. These are all things you need to discuss with your elder law attorney. Yes, it costs a bit of money but, in the long run, you can't afford not to seek an attorney out. I went through a similar situation with my father who has since passed away. I know he was where he needed to be to get the best care possible. I had no alternative as I was also taking care of my elderly mother and my husband, who suffers from dementia, and also suffer from my own health issues. There just comes a time when we cannot do everything ourselves and, even if we have siblings, they may not or will not physically contribute. I am grateful for the help the elder law attorney has given me and continues to give me as my mother is currently in a skilled nursing facility and I am a full-time caregiver for my husband at home. Believe me, especially now with Covid, it is NOT nor has it been EASY. I am blessed to have good friends and family who do have some understanding of what I'm going through but no one really 'gets it' unless you've actually been there and done that. I'm also a faithful Christian and am praying daily, along with others, that I can get through each day and be of service to my husband. I speak with my 90 year old mother daily on the phone since I'm unable to physically see her since Covid restrictions in March of 2020. I wish you well in your journey with your father and hope that you can find answers that will be helpful.

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She does not have to pursue guardianship, a State social worker can be called to check on his welfare. State social worker can advise and find the best solution for him.

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Is your father a veteran who served in a time of war? There is a VA pension called Aid and Attendence available to veterans, their spouses and dependents. My Dad was in the army at the very end of WWII and served only 18 months. He didn’t qualify for a regular pension which requires 24 months. After he died I found out about A and A and was able to get it for Mom, $1228 a month which was a big help in covering her AL fees.

We sold her house and used that money to pay the rest of her fees. You said you own the house but consider selling it and using the money for your Dads living expenses. It will be cheaper and much less stressful to you than having to move in with him. I can speak from experience that not everyone is cut out to be a full time caregiver.

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There is a Medicaid waiver program that uses different criterion for home care than regular Medicaid home care uses. The criterion is based more on safety and supervision and it sounds like your father would qualify. Please look into it, it may be exactly what you need. It's called the Nursing Home Transition & Diversion Program. You really should contact a well regarded elder law attorney who can guide you to all your options. One important thing is that the car should be sold because it sounds like he would be in danger & put others in danger if he is driving. Some things are non-negotiable and this is one of them.

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You are in NYC so keep in mind, Medicaid programs vary by state and are not the same. NYC and NY as a whole has better Medicaid programs than other states and other states do not have Medicaid programs that don’t have an income & asset test so you really can’t say that the OPs dad qualifies for the Medicaid program you reference. It’s a NY program and the OPs profile doesn’t give a location.

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Whatever you do, do NOT take this person into your home, nor should you move into his house. It is time he be placed into a nursing home where Medicaid does take over. Medicaid will NOT pay anything for assisted living and YOU should NOT under any circumstances be paying the bills. You might need that money for you one day. Get medical help wherever and however and get him into a nursing home. Call the Office on Aging and local authorities as to how to go about this and possibly talk with an eldercare attorney. You can't wait.

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Medicaid nursing home care qualifications are not only financial ones. There must be medical qualifications and OP believes dad is still "too healthy" to qualify. Group home may be workable.

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The only thing I can think of is to ask if either of you are willing to learn some home repair skills? I own my own home in a densely populated area. The costs of home repair has skyrocketed - I was quoted $3000 from a handyman to paint three rooms, walls only. This did not include ceilings or windows and I’d have to buy the supplies. I did it myself for $200 - paint, brushes, drop cloths & painters tape.

I have watched a lot of YouTube home repair and improvement videos. Have learned more than I ever thought I would. Started small by replacing a deadbolt lock by myself. With each repair task have built more confidence in my abilities & knowledge of how plumbing, roofing, and electrical works in my home.

It’s not rocket science by any means. It’s basically following directions and knowing your limits - not strong enough, fear of heights, etc.

I have done patch jobs on leaky pipes and part of the roof to mitigate damage (buy time) until COVID is over. Am a short, skinny lady & my neighbors think I’m nuts. If I can do it, anyone can.

This may not help, but tackling a small item on your list, home repair or not, may give you a boost of confidence.

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Good for you on doing the repairs yourself! The roofing part sounds dangerous and electrical is scary. I was trying to hire contractors last spring and summer for my house repairs and the estimates are off the charts because of covid and plain greed! So needless to say the repairs aren't getting done. $1500 for a window that does not include labor and installation. $2000 for a plain basic front door. $3500 to remove a leaking skylight in my garage. The front man for the roofing company used a filter on his cell phone to show me how bad the roof was. I may be an old lady, but I didn't just fall off the turnip truck! They love to try to scam the elderly everyday. I told him to get off my property.

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If you own his home sell it, get whatever you can for it and use that money for his care. Then he will qualify for Medicaid. Do not expect government or other entities to support him if he has assets like a house.

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The father does not hold the asset - poster holds the asset. It's poster and her husband's house, from what it sounds like.

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I could have written every word of your post. My parents lived out in the middle of no where, the house was a total disaster due to zero maintenance over the years, and a hoarder situation on top of it all. My father was totally delusional as far as what the situation was. I have no siblings, live 50 miles away, and work a full time night shift job and have my own family to take care of. My mother had a second stroke which was the (un)fortunate disaster that I needed to finally get her out of the house and into a very good memory care unit. I had spoken to his PCP about the situation and she agreed totally that he needed to get out of there too and some way, some how I managed to talk him into moving into the assisted living end of the same facility my mother was in, "to support her in her new living arrangement." This was a little over a year ago, but in about a year the money will be gone except for a very small social security income for both of them. I'm certain my mother will qualify for a nursing home but my father is still walking, able to eat unassisted, can dress himself and bathe, bathroom etc. but has to be reminded to do these things or he just won't. He is unable to manage his meds and has no idea how to cook or manage his finances. One of his old neighbors told me he almost hit someone when he was out driving. He also has a diagnosis of Alzeimer's. I was fearing I would be legally obligated to have him move in with me. I have no spare bedroom, my husband and kids have both said no way, and he burned his bridges with me decades ago. There has been some very timely advice on this post for me also. I wish you good luck with everything and hopefully I can get through this some how also.

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There is absolutely no legal obligation for you to have him move in with you.

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Your situation is fairly common. There can be a period of years when a person is not impaired enough to be eligible for Medicaid, but is too disabled to manage alone due to inability to cook, clean, shop, manage finances, perform home maintenance, etc. There is no government support in most places for people in that situation.

You father can't afford assisted living. The question is: Would he go to assisted living if he could afford it, or is he insisting on staying in his own home, decrepit as it it?

I like the idea of telling him he has to move out of the house so repairs can be made, or even selling it out from under him. Money-wise, I believe the only affordable option for him would be a senior group home. My understanding is that they are much cheaper than assisted living and perhaps you could find one that he could afford, maybe even closer to your location than he is now.

Since you've already ascertained that he doesn't meet the requirements for Medicaid, I don't think an elder care lawyer is what you need. I'd seek the advice of a geriatric manager manager, if I were you. Or, if you're good at internet research, look for senior group homes to evaluate. Some websites have them listed along with assisted living facilities but the number of beds will be less than a dozen and the owners will be private individuals, not a big corporation.

I don't think you have to, or should, move in with him. You would be putting your life on hold indefinitely, and the most likely would be overwhelmed with frustration and resentment.

Just my .02. Wishing you good luck with your decision.

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You should not have to move in with him if this is not what you want to do. Your first responsibility is to your husband, and you're entitled to your life. First be sure all of his paperwork is in order while he's still capable mentally (you may have already done this and may be his POA). If he has no assets, he doesn't need a will, but he should have POAs for financial and medical decisions, a living will that specifies his medical wishes if he becomes incapable of making decisions, and some banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms. Social Security also needs special permissions for you even talk to them about his affairs. If he doesn't have them, the forms should be simple and you might be able to do them without an attorney. Try to get in touch with networks and support services for seniors in his area so that you know the options. A social worker who deals with seniors would be able to advise you. This advice should be free. For this to work for both of you it sounds like he should be living closer to you. would he move to his own small apartment near you while he is still capable of doing everything? You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him to find out what he will agree to and telling him what you are capable of doing for him. If he agrees to moving, he'll probably need a lot of help with the downsizing and moving. Be honest with him about how much you can do for him and how it is getting very difficult to get aides to help him. You want him to be safe and cared for. Hopefully you can find a good compromise. Good luck and a big hug!

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"Social Security also needs special permissions for you even talk to them about his affairs."

If it's just to "talk" to them about something, usually the person, dad in this case, can give the okay over the phone. Beware if he has hearing issues!

In order to manage SS, the only LEGAL way, per SS, is to sign up as rep payee. Not sure how it would be handled today, with the virus around, but it's best to start with a local office, not the main 800 number, unless you like phone menus and being kept on hold for a long time!

I called MY local office, which isn't in the state mom lived in, got an appt and filed. They just asked a lot of questions and submit it. They didn't ask to look at anything and I did NOT take my mother with me. They do send notice to both you and the party involved, so the person can object if they want to. By then mom was in MC, so mail was held by the nurse. Mom wouldn't really understand it anyway! I had to have the address change done, as we were selling her condo and you can't forward federal mail.

The LEGAL note is from THEIR paperwork that came with the approval. No one has the right to "manage" another person's SS and POAs don't work for federal entities.

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Imho, you are in a real quandary. I don't advocate that you move in with him. Perhaps you and your husband could do the repairs on the house since it is your's and go from there There is no way that he should be operating a motor vehicle since he can't feel his legs. Disable the auto by any means possible. Prayers sent.

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Have him assessed by for the elderly waiver, this can cover cost of assisted living. You would call the public health department in his town and ask who does the assessments and make an appointment for him.

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Jolo, the sooner you apply the sooner the clock starts for the penalty period.

You never know what is going to happen until you start.

One thing I know is that the money is only a problem if he was giving it away. He could spend it how ever he chose, except for disposing of it to protect it from paying for his own care.

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What to do when your parent does not meet ADL requirements, cannot afford assisted living, and is not safe living alone?

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