Been doing this for 2.5 years.....24/7....with a 5 day break every 4-5 months and a maybe a 1/2 a day every month. 8:00 to 9:00 everyday - 7 days a week. With some nights woken up. Cleaning urine soaked beds, chairs, clothes. Trying to understand what my mom wants, but it takes a half hour to figure it out each time as they have aphasia and they get their "yes" and "no" mixed up.
I don't have any more patience. I am getting mad at my parent that I am taking care of. It is not their fault, but I get annoyed now at tiny things and take it out on them. Never used to. And I immediately apologize and try to be nice, but I really have nothing left.
I get so angry all the time over nothing now. I feel it just want to explode in me. And I have never been an angry person. I was always so positive, upbeat and easy going. And a very caring person. That is why I got this job out of all the siblings. "Oh, you have a gift! You're so patient! I could never do that! Blaa blaa blaa..."
I don't want to quit, as I know no one else will come in to take my place and dear ol' mom will head off to a nursing home. I won't let that happen!
I just need someone to tell me what to do to stop being so short tempered and down.
I wanted to provide an update today.
I have been experiencing a challenging time due to depression. I recently started taking antidepressants, and I am pleased to share that I woke up today without the heavy feeling in my chest. I have not experienced any tears or undue anger throughout the day. Surprisingly, I even found enjoyment in taking care of my mother and other activities that I previously did not feel inclined to do.
In my previous message, I may have presented a more dire version of my circumstances. However, I want to clarify that things are not as severe as I initially expressed. Since letting them know of my situation and how I was "at the end of my rope", one of my siblings has consistently checked in on me and will be visiting this week to spend a day with our mother. Another sibling has graciously offered to watch over our mother next week so that I can take some time off. Additionally, another sibling spent time with me yesterday for support. As for my situation with my husband, I believe we can work through our misunderstandings (with counseling) once I am no longer occupied with my current responsibilities towards my mother.
I would like to express gratitude for all the advice provided. While some of it may not be relevant to my particular situation, as I am not in as dire a state as my previous depiction. It was difficult to maintain perspective when caught in the depths of depression.
It was really enlightening to read Wiki100 who counseled me to stop waiting on my mom hand and foot (which I think I overdo, so I am causing some of this overwork.) It was good to get "permission" to not have to do that. So thank you Wiki100! Great advice!!
I still plan on having a serious conversation with my siblings to schedule dedicated time for them to be with our mother and allow me a break. Additionally, we will discuss the option of hiring assistance for a couple of days each week if necessary. Financially, our mother is in a good position to afford such assistance.
Upon rereading my previous message from just a few days ago, it feels as though it was written by a different person. I acknowledge that I still need to address the challenges I mentioned and develop concrete solutions, so as to avoid further chemical imbalances in my brain.
Currently, I am actively working on developing these plans.
Thank you all, once again for your support. I really needed to reach out and you were there. It helped a great deal!
What a great response to us and thank you for making it. So many people don't respond at all, and whatever our advice (some works well, some not at all) we all really do care.
I am so glad you are getting some relief, and often medication can build such a good bridge of strength to deal more realistically with tough situations. I just walked away from my own doc appt yesterday with a script for a low dose anti depressant, something I never thought I wanted or needed. She said that at 81 my blood pressure, chronic pain and general anxiety could benefit from giving this a try because the pain, BP and anxiety were "playing with one another". As an old RN I have always kind of just mustered on, and mustered through, but I so identify with what you said about awakening with that "heavy feeling" of "what-will-it-be-today".
So I am going to tear a page out of your book and hope for a bit of relief. We'll see!
You take care, and do update us, and help us answer questions here. We all come as desperate caregivers, and why we stay is to try to help others.
Again, best out to you. You are wise to pick what answers help you best, and leave the rest to float.
Of course you're breaking...you are only one person and you're doing the job of at least 8 people.
So unless you want to be the one dying before your mom does, you're either going to have to have your siblings step up and all take turns caring for mom, or you all need to start looking for the appropriate facility for her where she will be around other folks her own age and she will have lots of fun things to do and where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires, so you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate.
I do hope that you're smart enough to know when enough is enough(sounds to me like you're already there)and that you matter in this equation as well.
Things will not get any better unless some major changes are made.
You and your mom deserve better.
Did that help?? Probably not because you cannot recover from burnout while continuing to care for your mother 24/7. No one can care for anyone 24/7 indefinitely. No one.
Unless she has a lot of money to pay for her own in-home help, she needs to go to a nursing home. Many caregivers die before those for whom they are caring. It's either her life or yours. What will happen to her if you up and die? Have you thought about that?
To tell the truth there is no good outcome to this. Mom is failing. What happens when she dies? Do you imagine that all those siblings are going to let you stay in that home? Because they are not. And even sale of the home divided up will leave you with no home, no job and no job history.
Time to give the siblings the date of your exit. Then time to get a job, and whether you start at a shelter or not, you need to get on your feet and quick. This isn't going to work for your life and it isn't working for Mom's either, given she now is not even getting adequate treatment for her UTIs.
No one can do this for you. You have to make the moves. Your siblings are taking advantage of your needs. If you left your husband and have no job and haven't worked then you need division of assets, divorce, forced sale of home, and possibly alimony. You should see an attorney. You cannot go on like this because where you are going is so bleak it makes this look like a sunny day.
I am so sorry. But you are in the middle of a storm of poor decisions. I very much wish you the best. But you must get support and you must act to protect yourself. No one can/will do it for you.
I have been experiencing a challenging time due to depression. I recently started taking antidepressants, and I am pleased to share that I woke up today without the heavy feeling in my chest. I have not experienced any tears or undue anger throughout the day. Surprisingly, I even found enjoyment in taking care of my mother and other activities that I previously did not feel inclined to do.
In my previous message, I may have presented a more dire version of my circumstances. However, I want to clarify that things are not as severe as I initially expressed. Since letting them know of my situation and how I was "at the end of my rope", one of my siblings has consistently checked in on me and will be visiting this week to spend a day with our mother. Another sibling has graciously offered to watch over our mother next week so that I can take some time off. Additionally, another sibling spent time with me yesterday for support. As for my situation with my husband, I believe we can work through our misunderstandings (with counseling) once I am no longer occupied with my current responsibilities towards my mother.
I would like to express gratitude for all the advice provided. While some of it may not be relevant to my particular situation, as I am not in as dire a state as my previous depiction. It was difficult to maintain perspective when caught in the depths of depression.
It was really enlightening to read Wiki100 who counseled me to stop waiting on my mom hand and foot (which I think I overdo, so I am causing some of this overwork.) It was good to get "permission" to not have to do that. So thank you Wiki100! Great advice!!
I still plan on having a serious conversation with my siblings to schedule dedicated time for them to be with our mother and allow me a break. Additionally, we will discuss the option of hiring assistance for a couple of days each week if necessary. Financially, our mother is in a good position to afford such assistance.
Upon rereading my previous message from just a few days ago, it feels as though it was written by a different person. I acknowledge that I still need to address the challenges I mentioned and develop concrete solutions, so as to avoid further chemical imbalances in my brain.
Currently, I am actively working on developing these plans.
Thank you all, once again for your support. I really needed to reach out and you were there. It helped a great deal!
In my case, my mom is now in hospice in an AL, but I still put too much time into it (every day, putting her to bed at night so she's "comfortable") and finally had to say "no" in some ways. However that looks to you, I encourage you to try.
Also you have some good suggestions here...and I agree with anyone who says we just have to at some point put ourselves first, however that looks.
Your siblings can collectively pay for respite home care a few hours a day at LEAST--and they must. Tell them you are physically and mentally at the end of your rope (personally I was on the verge of committing myself just to get a rest). Until she gets into a nursing home (if you can manage that), they MUST pay for respite care even if that means they go into debt.
And putting her into nursing home...you can visit every day to monitor care, but have that time to yourself to get yourself back on your feet.
Best of luck to you...I am on your side and know how hard it is.
Please take care of yourself even if it means not meeting all her needs. I mean it. That comes from experience. I came close to a stroke from the anxiety and pressure. It took a friend on the outside (trust me, it WON'T be your siblings) telling me they could see my suffering and I was killing myself to wake myself up. I was suffering to keep a suffering person alive. It was pouring water into a bucket with a hole. Say' No" to at least one thing today. Please take care of yourself first.
It would be good to sort things out with your husband. The chances are that the amount you were doing for your mother was part of the problem, and moving in with her was the WRONG solution. You have a greater responsibility to your marriage than you do to your mother. The list goes children first, then the marriage, then other family members.
You are one of 6 children, and there is no reason why you should be carrying more than one sixth of the load with mother. If she goes to live in the appropriate level of care, between you all you can have someone there with her just as much as you think is appropriate, without any of you having to suffer what you are suffering now. Some siblings put on lots of pressure to ‘preserve the inheritance’, but with M having just a one-bedroom apartment and any inheritance likely to be split 6 ways, that seems like a waste of time.
Relying on anti-depressants to cope with a genuinely depressing situation is not a long-term answer. You need to change the depressing situation. Please enjoy feeling a bit better, but don’t stop trying to bring the current situation to a complete end. Good luck!
It absolutely can be a long term answer. Anti-depressants aren’t to avoid or ignore problems. Quite the opposite. They’re to help you from not being swallowed whole in a bad situation. You’re more able to face the situation with this help than without!
You are not a robot. You can’t work 24/7 with no break. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
You need a shit ton of boundaries.
You need 8-9 hours of quality sleep every night.
At this rate, you will die before your mother.
Girl, you are running on fumes, adrenaline and placebo effect. NOTHING went away and it’s NOT all better because you took antidepressants for 6 days. Stop trying to fool yourself.
None of us is buying what you are trying to sell in your updates.
If your siblings will commit to helping EVERY week, that would give you some needed rest. But be forewarned that it is possible that they will not be reliable. That they will be too busy living their lives to be consistent. Do NOT get mad about this. It's OK if they don't want to do it. And you do NOT have to do it either. My mom lived with me and hubby for 7 years. Then as her dementia got worse I put her in AL. It's been great for me so I can live MY life not spend every moment caring for her. No thanks.
The first thing I did was hire a cleaning lady, that mom paid for because she could not keep her room and bathroom clean. Very helpful.
Then I started bringing caregivers in and kept increasing it until I had at least 4 hours 5 days a week, sometimes more.
You also should really start working on putting your life back together. It's no good for you to feel like you are between a rock and a hard place. You need to be independent. You should not wait until things change with mom to resolve your marital issues. See if you guys can work things out ASAP and if not, go ahead and get divorced. You have money and assets tied up in your marriage that you are not using.
Start extricating yourself from a hard situation. Mom won't like it but that is not the issue. YOU don't like the way things are - that's your #1 priority. Having been a caregiver, I know I will NEVER impose this onto my children. They deserve to decide how to spend their time and it won't be forced on them to drive themselves into the ground taking care of me. Who would ever want that for their children?
Best of luck.
Put mom in a nursing home today. You cannot continue doing this for mom it is killing you.
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