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About 10 years ago my dad wanted to move in with me and my husband so I can take care of him since I was over seeing his care for years this also included my mom. My dad had 3 cancers. We redid our basement to be handicap and add full bathroom and kitchen, which my dad wanted to pay for saying we’d help each other since I was out of work. They moved in and I handled everything from aids helping to hospice to his medicine oxygen supplies etc. mom sat watching tv and my sister worked. After dad passed my sister caused a fight with mom and I finding out they trashed me and my family so I tried confronting them and they denied it. I told my mom to leave where she moved in with my sister thru Covid. After a few years moms crying unhappy left like a dog at my sisters. So stupidly I take her back but to live upstairs with us. Nothing changed my mom and sister still talk behind my back but now my mom is saying she’s not paying me rent anymore because of money she gave me in the past and feels that she shouldn’t have to pay more. That she’s going through her money, which she has a lot of. She was giving me 12,000 year. What hurts is that I’ve spent so many years taking care of my parents alone and stayed out of work many times to be at hospitals, transfusion places, drs etc while my sister worked. Now it’s thrown in my face money given to me and how that should give her free living and care etc. one of our fights my sister took her to asst living place and it would cost her 7000.00 month and if she needed more care price would go up. She didn’t want to spend that so stayed with me. My sister won’t take her back either. I’m not sure what to do. the stress with her here is effecting my health and my family and now her saying this today has killed me. We do everything for her it’s not just roof over her head. I don’t have much money in the bank and I needed the help each month to pay bills. Just wondering what others think am I wrong feeling like she should help ? I feel like my sister is in her head again because she’s always worried about not getting moms money or me getting more.

So since you work, your not physically caring for Mom? Does shevneed help with her ADLs? Or is she pretty independent. How old is she. Could she live on her own with an aide? If she could, then a nice apartment would be nice. Maybe a Senior one where they have a common area and activities. Tell her, its not working Mom you need to move.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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She needs to go. I’m stuck in the same quandary. I promised Dad literally on his death bed that we would take care of Mom. Little did we know what that entailed. The man earned the right to go first for sure. He was exhausted from doing everything for her. I now see her diminished mental capacity and how well she covers it. She’s 89. Only God knows how long she has to join him.
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Reply to RealMary
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Nicole, forget about who is to blame for the past. Focus on what you want for the future. It’s about your decision on how you want to live, not about who has done what wrong. That approach might help the future relationship with M, and will certainly help your peace of mind.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Thank you to everyone who responded. Please note that I chose to be out of work in past to care for my dad with three cancers but after dad passed I went back working and currently work full time. I apologize not adding that. I know I took the responsibility taking mom back I was trying to do the right thing because I promised my dad I’d take care of her.

I do agree with her moving out. Today I tried talking to her saying I was hurt by her comments but no apology as usual. I guess it’s hard to believe my own mom would treat me this way especially after all I did. I’m going to start focusing on myself and try to rebuild my savings and my life.

thank you all
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Reply to Nicole30
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AlvaDeer Dec 11, 2024
I think you are making the right decision with or WITHOUT an apology. Bullying an apology out of someone seldom gets one that is heartfelt. She should move now. Promises made to someone now dead are neither here nor there. We make these promises often KNOWING we are lying as a comfort to someone who needs to hear them for their own peace. You should be having your own life, not sacrificing it on a funeral pyre of a parent. And no parent should want that for/of their child.
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I doubt very much we could help with family dynamics that are ongoing over a decade.
You tell us this:
"So stupidly I take her back but to live upstairs with us."

You made a decision.
The decision was to take your mother in.
You tell us that you feel "stupid" for doing this. And it looks like Sister has learned her lesson and is NOT involving herself with your mother again.
Decisions we CHOOSE to make as ADULTS have CONSEQUENCES.
Others will not help you escape those consequences.

You now have THREE choices.
1. Allow things to go on as they have been for the last decade.
2. Tell mother you do not wish to live with her anymore and she will now need to move to care. If she refuses then evict her.
3. Go to an elder law attorney and make a contract of care with your mother. While it will not cost her 7,000 I think that 3,500 a month sounds fair. What you will provide for this will be carefully enumerated in the contract. 

Up to you. But thoughts of sister are not on the menu. She and her choices seem solid and appropriate to me; she is very unlikely to change because you wish it to be so.

Again. You are an adult. You have chosen to do what you have done. The consequences have not been good and you have continued to do as you are doing. You now can change, or not change, and it is entirely up to you.

I wish you the best. Once you understand that this is about YOU and your choices it will be much easier to live with those choices.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Mom needs to move out and then you can get a part time job.
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Reply to anonymous144448
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2 things:

1) boundaries

2) enabling

Please learn about these and how they apply to your situation if you continue to allow your Mom to live with you and to interact with your sister in a mature and non-toxic way. We don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose how we interact with them.

Fact: your home is now your Mom's legal residence. You won't be able to force her out (if it comes to that) unless you go through an eviction process (form, fee, 30-day notification period). If she still won't go you can then request the police to escort her off your property. I'm sure you cannot imagine having to do this. This is the motivator for getting your boundaries in place and enabling under control.

Life truth: Expectations are premeditated disappointments that turn into resentments.

I wish you clarity, wisdom, the courage to do what you need to do to improve your situation, and peace in your heart as you do it.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Mom needs to move out. Talking behind your back while you go without. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You should be working and planning for your retirement.

These entitled people kill me.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Why can’t she live in the basement and pay 1/3 (or 1/2) of the utilities?

That way she wouldn’t be in your space all the time.
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Reply to XenaJada
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One should NEVER depend on ones parents money to pay their monthly bills.
You need to go back to work and give your ungrateful mom until the end of the year to find a new place to live.
Why would you just because of the money she gives you want to continue living under such stress and dysfunction? Surely it can't be worth it right?
So tell your mom today that she's moving out, and that you're moving on.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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You are not wrong . Expect this to not improve .
Mom needs to move out and you to go back to a job .
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Reply to waytomisery
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You're not wrong to expect mom to pay rent and her fair share of household expenses as well. If there are 3 of you living in the home, have mom sign a contract in writing that she agrees to pay 1/3 of the household expenses plus $1,000 per month in rent.

Or, she is free to move into Assisted Living @ $7000 a month to start. Her choice.

Stand your ground. Your sister can kick rocks once you have a signed contract with mom 😁

Good luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Your Mom sounds entitled, and you are getting hooked. It will only get worse if she stays in your home rent-free. I suggest that you give her notice, as you would with any tenant, and tell her that this arrangement cannot continue if she is not willing to pay her share.

The stress is affecting you and your family.

If she stays, everything needs to be spelled out on paper: that is especially true with family to avoid future misunderstandings.
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Reply to Danielle123
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