Mom has run out of the funds used to supplement her Social Security income, which does not cover the expenses of living in the assisted living facility she has called home for 4+ years. I'm told by my sibling that she does not qualify for Medicaid. I am limited as to options and am considering moving her into my home, which will be VERY different for her. I work 8-5, but am 2 miles from home. I'm searching for adult day care resources and trying to understand what Medicare will cover in regard to home health aides. This will involve moving her to another state; however, in the last 2 years, I am the only one she has seen face-to-face for a majority of that time. She does not love her living situation and I'm hopeful that living with me will improve that outlook for her. Yet, I know I may feel a target on my back, as I have seen my sibling experience the same whenever things in Mom's world aren't understood by her and she simply feels restricted and forgotten. So, what am I going to experience that I may not have any clue is coming down the pike?
BUT, go talk to a CELA first, naturally, and don't take our word for anything! This is just something I'm telling you from personal experience, after having used POA for my parents since 2014, cashed out their life savings (in stocks) and used that $$$ to finance their care in AL ever since. Mom was due to run out of $$$ in August and I was going to apply for Medicaid at that time, but she wound up passing away in February. All she would have had left was her SSI monthly and her VA Aid & Attendance widow's benefits which weren't enough to finance her $7K a month costs in Memory Care AL.
So, what are you going to experience having mom live with you that you haven't a clue about? Tons of things, TONS and TONS of things. Loss of privacy being the #1 thing, and being responsible for another human being 100% like it was when we were first mothers back in the day (if you were in that position, IDK). It's an overwhelming feeling, to say the least. PLEASE let mom spend all of her annuity funds to finance her care in AL and have her own place, her own autonomy, and you can continue living your own life, having your own ONE full time job instead of TWO, and that's that. Speak to the lawyer and get the scoop about what to do after she runs out of $$$$, and go from there. By then, she may need a lot of help with ADLs (activities of daily life) and she'll be more than ready for Skilled Nursing.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with Plan B & C to keep mom living in AL for as long as possible.
Period.
Family "steps up" in an emergency to advocate, arrange and facilitate. Not to have their lives hijacked.
You are "told by" a sibling that mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid?
Why is that?
Do you have POA for finances and Health care for your mom?
Why would you undertake her care if you don't have a full understanding of her finances and health?
What will you do if, after you've moved her in, you discover you can't leave her alone?
Can you afford to quit your job and care for her with no income coming in?
Settle ALL of these issues (what her health is like, what she qualifies for, how much she will pay for rent and caregiving) BEFORE she moves in.
Please.
Your mother should be in a care facility with a full staff that can meet her needs.
Your husband's mother should be too. At your age (68) you shouldn't have be dealing with all this.
Don't rely on what your sibling says about Medicaid coverage. Talk to them yourselves.
I've never heard of Medicaid paying for an assisted living facility. They do pay for nursing homes and LTC though.
Medicare will not pay for your mother to have the number of caregiving hours she will need. They will not pay for someone to stay with her while you're away at work nine hours a day or more.
Your mother was in AL for a reason. Don't move her into your house. Please think it over a little more.
Here is what you most likely have coming if mom moves in.
-Quitting your job. Maybe right now can be left alone for short periods of time like length of a tv program. That will change fast once she's with you. You're her child so expect to become a nanny-slave to her every need and demand. Hopefully she has enough income to cover adult day care or full-time aides because Medicare only pays for a few hours of homecare a week, and they don't pay for daycare.
-No respite and no privacy. As mom grows more needy and demanding her feelings of being restricted and forgotten will grow a hundred times worse because you're her child. She will expect you to be by her side 24hours a day. Then resent you if you're not cheerful and smiling every moment. Don't expect any sibling help either. No helping to pay for homecare aides and no taking mom for a few days to give you a break.
-You may also get some attention-seeking behavior too. I'm not saying it's guaranteed, but I am saying it's very common. Elderly people can get very demanding and selfish if they're not the center of attention or the top priority in someone's life. So keep an eye out for things like fabricated health crises and even some staged "falls" to get attention.
-Be prepared to take on the role of scapegoat too. Not guaranteed, but very common. When mom misplaces something which she may have had fifty years ago or not at all, you stole it. You threw it away. You're taking her money. You're abusing her. You're starving her.
Be prepared for all of this.
I've been in homecare for almost 25 years and I will be honest with you. I have seen many families ruined and marriages broken up because a needy, elderly parent moves in.
A parent living with adult children can work out if the parents or parent start off independent and can contribute to the household and family. Like helping with childcare or doing chores. That's different than when you move them in because they're needy and elderly.
-Be prepared to no longer have a parent/adult child relationship. This happens often when a person has to become a caregiver to a parent. You stop being a son or daughter and become an employee to them.
Please think it over more. Medicaid will pay for LTC or memory care. Please explore these options before you decide anything.
please OP listen to all the warnings. hug!
Then there’s the doctors appointments, and the shopping. The depends. The falls.
One day it might not be just a uti, but actual dementia. She’ll get 100 times worse.
First of all: you think your sister may not have explained to your mother that your mother's (supplemental) money has run out. Your sister says that your mother does not qualify for Medicaid. Your sister has experienced the rough end of the stick when your mother feels restricted and forgotten (I'm not sure I fully understand what you mean by this, but I get the gist I think). So either your sister has POA for your mother but is not informing your mother; or your sister does NOT have POA for your mother and has a headache from trying to manage regardless; and your sister steers clear of your mother while you see your mother face-to-face but, I imagine, not for long or very often...
It's got "hot mess" written all over it. And you want to take it home?
Are you on good terms with your sister?
You need:
- a detailed financial assessment
- all the information about day care and in-home support options beforehand, and not after she's moved in
- to consider ALFs near you
- a detailed care needs assessment
And with those things then you can think about it.
So what does your sister plan to do next, if indeed it is within her authority to do anything? How, why, did it become up to you to plan the next move?