My mother asked me to pick her up at 730 am to take her to her home that she is getting ready to rent out. I said " Yes I will drop you off and go back to my home to finish feeding and taking care of my animals then come back to take you grocery shopping. Well the house painter was 45 min. late and I told her I needed to get home to take care of the animals. Well that put her in a huff and she decided to have me take her back to her apt. I dropped her off but as she was getting out of my car, she yelled at me and called me " A COMPLETE B***H. We haven't talked in a month and a half. I feel she owes me an apology and it's tearing me apart. She is 90 years old and I feel she has no respect for my boundaries. Am I being unreasonable?. I feel she is verbally and mentally abusing me. I tend to almost all of her needs. I do so much for her. I just had my 60th birthday and she didn't even call or text me but on her 90th birthday in July I was the only one that made sure she had a wonderful day.. she has been this way with me for many many years
As for me, I wouldn't do a thing for disrespectful people. I would probably limit my time spent with this person. It got so bad with my dad before he died that he was lucky if he received a visit twice a year from me. I went to therapy for years, but it wasn't that I didn't care anymore. I stopped visiting because I was exhausted emotionally. He emotionally abused us for years.
I have no patience for that behavior anymore. Any outbursts like that have me not coming around for quite some time. It doesn’t really prevent the poor behavior but it makes me feel better to only endure it infrequently. At some point I may just end all contact. Life is too short. I don’t care if you are my parent or not.
My Father is 95, we do everything for him and never once a thank you or a nice word. Complains about EVERYTHING. I try to remind myself his mind and personality has changed so negatively from dementia, but I can't help but take things personally. He has no filter and is rude to me, my husband and the staff at Assisted Living. I go daily and it seems like nothing one does for this man is appreciated. Ironically I'm a nurse and take care of others who are way less fortunate than him, yet he seems to be the most ungrateful person I've ever dealt with. I feel your pain.
Now, if your mom has cognitive impairment or illness of some kind, consult with a psychologist or social worker for ways to let that bad behavior roll off your back. If you have to , Laugh At Her when she insults/abuses you; treat her like a child as in 'That's Strike One!' and 'At Strike Three you will have to find another whipping boy. Lotsa Luck, Ma!' Some entitled people think they can get away with bad behavior because they are 'seniors' deserving 'respect', but respect is a two-way street. You are not your mother's Employee or Servant. You are her Helper and she has to accommodate your needs to get the help you can give her while also taking care of your own life.
My Mom at 95, could still be corrected and understand consequences. She once called my brother, her favorite child, some not so nice names and he just quit seeing her on a frequent basis. Our mantra is that if you want respect, then you need to show respect. He reduced his visits to her once every two weeks, and the visits became short and clipped. My mother finally asked him what was wrong, and he told her. She didn't believe him and so she tried to get us siblings to "legitimize" her behavior and we didn't. We told her that she needed to apologize. It was very uncomfortable for her, but she never called him or us names again and was very careful about using derogatory names in public as there were consequences. Every once in awhile she would slip, and then she would immediately apologize.
I believe this behavior correction, even in her 90s, is the reason why we don't have so much trouble with her saying inappropriate things in private and public, even though she is now 101 with moderate dementia.
I live in a multi-racial, non-binary environment with lots of stereotypes and lots of opportunity for not-so-kind names, however, my Mom (and us siblings) try to take the high road on all of it. Easier to correct early, rather than let it become an ignorant habit.
That your mother is now choosing to "punish" YOU with The Silent Treatment after HER insult is truly the epitome of passive-aggressive behavior! 🙄
Here is a link to a great article you may want to read about passive-aggressive narcissistic behaviors and tips on recognizing and coping with them:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Let mother know her words are unacceptable. Then leave her presence EACH TIME it happens. And enjoy the silent treatment. Don't take it as the weapon it's intended to be to break you down.
Good luck.
Here are some options, you probably already know:
1. Stop all contact, report her to APS , and have them visit her and make assessments for her needs going forward. Yes, this is the extreme, but is an option. If you don't choose it now, go ahead and call your mother and schedule a time to meet with her, and explain to her that you will not continue taking her verbal abuse, name calling and overall unappreciative attitude. Work out with her some type of schedule that works for YOU to assist her with shopping etc.
Also tell her that she or you can call senior services and inquire about other Senior transportation services that will pick her up and return her after shopping, doctor appointments etc. Or she can call an UBER driver when she wants to go somewhere ( they won't tolerate her verbal abuse either).
Take her to her PCP for a " checkup" and get a cognitive assessment completed and overall " level of care needs assessment". This should tell you if she has some form of dementia that may be contributing to her behaviors. Tell the PCP , in front of your mother, the behaviors you experience with her including the name calling. Ask PCP for referral to a geriatric case manager usually a licensed social worker who can further assist the two of you ( if you choose to remain involved) or if not just your mother with options to meet her needs and protect your sanity, well being.
Get emotional, spiritual counseling for yourself 1:1 to further assist you with self care and coping strategies.
No therapist is going to be able to get a 90 year old abusive person to understand how to control it.
POSSIBLY..............a therapist could help YOU to not take seriously what a 90 year old calls you.
She leaves or you do.
Choose!
“Mom, we’re at a stalemate. It is not okay to call me a bitch or any other names. I will not tolerate it or excuse it again.” Do not sugarcoat it or abbreviate it to ‘the b-word’. She said it, she needs to hear it.
Here’s what is not therapeutically sound -
“Why do you think it is all right to treat me like XYZ? Why do you think it is acceptable to call me XYZ?”
This gets to the heart of the problem quickly, BUT “why” questions can put people on the defensive and set a true narcissist up to turn it around on you.
If you are willing to take that first step, I’d encourage you to role play with a bestie OR mentally talk through as many scenarios and responses as you can think of.
Give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her you are sorry!
It doesn't matter that she's 90 and you're 60. Sometimes, we all have to step up and be the bigger man (or woman) at any age. How long are you planning to stay angry at her because your dog pooped on the carpet? Do you want to forgive her now or when she's lying in her coffin?
From your post, I am guessing you two have had a tit-for-tat relationship for years, probably decades. You must be exhausted; at 90, she probably doesn't have the physical or mental wherewithal to deal with it. Ask yourself if you are willing to do something about it. Or not...
Again, I am guessing, but it occurs to me that neither of you is willing to be responsible for your relationship, love, and affinity. Knowing that you have been trying to change her for your entire life, and it hasn't worked out so well, and it never will, are you willing to consider changing yourself?
Consider that you are being 0% responsible right now, and she is being 0% responsible. That is an extremely difficult place to start when trying to repair a relationship. What if you were being 100% responsible? What if you told your mom you messed up, scheduled yourself too tight, and didn't allow any contingencies? What if you told her you could have reminded her to call the painter to confirm? What if you would have started your day 45 minutes earlier? What if you set it up so you had time to go for breakfast instead of being the "B"?
As human beings, we operate our lives on a "wink and a prayer" and then get angry with ourselves and others when it doesn't work out. What if we all became 100% responsible and started to plan two or three steps in advance?
That may look like doing some of the things I mentioned above, or it may simply be telling Mom you must leave by 8:07 a.m. to get the dogs managed when you made the plan; that way, she wouldn't be angry with you at 8:08...
Here is the crazy thing... when you become 100% responsible, the other people in your life will too. Soon enough, you will start to see love, affinity, and WORKABILITY showing up, and the anger, upset, and heartache will begin to disappear.
I was raised that the one who pays runs the show. If I need a favor, it is at the other person's convenience. I generally don't ask for favors from people and always pay my own way. If they offer to help me out, I make sure they get compensated.
Dr. Phil says "You teach people how to treat you."
She is no longer calking you.
You were insulted.
You are no longer calling her.
Stalemate.
You want Mom to call & apologize.
Maybe she doesn’t even know how upset you were / still are?
Think about it.. she was angry, blew her top, called you a name.
I not trying to make excuses for her, just that neither of you have spoken about it.
You have a communication breakdown. What do you want to do now? To fix it & heal your relationship? Or not?
I often wonder if parents like your mom were those who hit and spanked and verbally abused their kids when they were growing up. In such cases, hurting is their means of control, and when those parents can no longer abuse their children the way they did when the kids were little, they find some other way to abuse/control because it's all they know.
Hurting is their way of control. That control has to be taken away from these kinds of abusive parents.
You are right about it being the only way they know. They can either learn better and be better or rot because their adult kids abandon them and rightly so.
"but on her 90th birthday in July I was the only one that made sure she had a wonderful day" Does this mean their r other siblings?
You have taken this abuse too long. If since childhood, as an adult u should have stood up to her. If it started after childhood, you should have nipped it in the bud. But that's all hindsight.
If she calls you to apologize, except it but not without telling her you will not tolerate the nastiness any longer. You are an adult and deserve respect as much as she does. That you do a lot for her and she never appreciates it. A please and thank you would be nice. If she wants you to continue to help her, its under ur terms not hers.
By the way, I am not a morning person so that 7:30 am would not have happened with me. And was the painter 45 min late or Mom got the time wrong. My painter did not show up till 9am. You can pretty much set up ur own time with people u hire.
There is some cognitive loss at 90.
You don’t deserve to be treated so poorly. You were doing your mother a favor. It would be nice if she had the decency to show her appreciation for your kindness.
As far as an apology goes, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. Some people simply don’t apologize to anyone for any reason. You cannot force her to apologize, even though you deserve an apology.
For me, a forced apology would mean absolutely nothing. If an apology doesn’t come from someone’s heart, it’s worthless to me.
I am sure that you are miserable and want your mom to make this right.
You seem to be a kind person. I hope that your mother was kind to you while you were growing up. Has she mistreated you since childhood? Is she struggling with her own issues and taking things out on you?
I am constantly amazed by warm, loving individuals who were raised by unappreciative bitter mothers.
I admire them deeply because they chose to break the cycle of abuse. They found peace because they chose not to mimic their mother’s behavior.
Sometimes people choose to go no contact with their parents or they do the bare necessities for their mother. You have to decide what is best for you.
Know that your self worth is important. Also know that your mother’s opinion doesn’t define who you are. You decide who you are, not your mom.
Use this time away from your mom to find out what is important to you. Evaluate your mother’s behavior and if you feel it’s unacceptable and will not work out in the future then make appropriate changes in your life.
Continue to reach out for support. Find a good therapist if you feel that you need to talk further about your relationship with your mom.
Wishing you all the best. Take care.
I would have thrown in a certain finger gesture and then not speak to her.
How you handle this is you do absolutely NOTHING for her until she apologizes and learns to ask nice.
When we are little kids the adult world is constantly making us 'ask nicely' and 'share' and 'apologize' and say 'please, thank-you, and may I'.
Sometimes seniors need to relearn that lesson. So teach it to her.
Until she apologizes and relearns basic respect and manner you do nothing for her. Not even a phone call.