After my Father died at age 57, my Mother worked for several years before she retired at around 65-67 years old. She then began working at an elementary school as a paid volunteer, for about 20 years. In this capacity, she assisted a Kindergarten teacher and also served as a lunch room-aid. Mom is now almost 88 years old. Her cognitive skills have significantly declined especially over the 2 past years, and after consultation with the principal, teacher, and lunch room supervisor, it was agreed it was time for her to retire this past June. However, since school started this fall she is upset with me about not being able to "work." She CONSTANTLY complains of being bored and unhappy because she's "stuck in the house" all day with nothing to do. Mom is never alone. I am retired but do volunteer work and have Grandchildren that keep me busy. When I have to run out during the day, I always have a family member stay with Mom. (She refuses outside help and has threatened to run away if I hire someone to come in, or says she'll chase the person away.) Mom also receives phone calls and visits from family members at least 3-4 times a week. We take her out to eat, shop, go to church, etc., I buy her books, word search puzzles, and try to find things to occupy her time as well. Last week during a conference call with my siblings concerning Mom, one of my sisters who lives in another state, declared that if I don't replace Mom's "job" with something meaningful, Mom will feel like she has no "purpose" and will die. This statement is very upsetting to me. Mom, in my opinion, isn't capable of working. She has extreme memory issues, repeats herself over and over again, and is unable to rationalize or answer a thoughtful or probing question. She forgets conversations she had earlier in the day or says she never had the conversation at all, etc., etc.... There are many other issues as well that impact her well-being/safety. Is anyone dealing with a parent with dementia who STILL wants to work? How are you handling it? How do I respond to my sister who says Mom will die if I don't find something "meaningful" for her to do that gives her PURPOSE? Caring for her alone, even though other family members visit or take her out for a few hours when they can or when I ask them to, is exhausting. My siblings don't see or experience what I do (with Mom) every day. I feel that she's always mad at me because as she says, "she's bored and unhappy." It's hurtful to me because I have cared for her for over 10 years, including paying nearly all of her living expenses. Yet, she seems unappreciative and constantly complaining of her unhappiness about being "stuck in the house" --especially since she stopped driving about 3 years ago. Is anyone dealing with a similar situation? Does anyone agree that my Mom will "die" if I don't find something for her to do that gives her "purpose?" If so, what can I do? Thank you for allowing me to get this out. I could go on and on about how caring for my Mom has impacted my daily life, schedule, decisions.... but that would be a separate posting!! 🤦♀️
So maybe keep it simple, and get her out of the house regularly.
Maybe the visitors can take her somewhere.
And the upsetting things a sibling can say to us that we often take too seriously.
That is hard to let go, to let their comments roll off your back like water off a duck's back.
If your Mother can volunteer at a senior center, they can use her help, and will understand the cognitive decline.
You are very caring to be so conscious of your mother's well-being.
Good question!
That will give her something to do and it will get her socialization and it will get her out of the house in a safe environment. And in her view it will give her a purpose while in yours she will be out of the house and safe.
It is very easy for Your Sister to comment when She lives in another State, would She be willing to step into Your shoes and Care for Mom 24/7 in Her own Home.
Finally and please do not take this the wrong way but Your
Mom is almost 88 years and has lived a long and healthy Life and death awaits all of Us, so just let it be. We can not fight
our destiny. Try to get Your Mom to join a Club for the retired and to enjoy Her new Life.
Your mom can do some socializing at a senior daycare or center. There are volunteer organizations who pair the elderly with a child as a "grandparent "...would that be helpful?
Having said these things, it is not your job to give her a purpose. You have the job already of providing for her, keeping her fed and safe. That is stressful enough without worrying about her purpose. As for complaining...that’s what people who aren’t happy, elderly people and folks with dementia often do. Again...you can’t change or make them stop. It is what it is, as they say.
Get your sister involved with mom’s care...she’s all talk and no action.
That was three years ago. It is easy to suggest other types of work, but her capabilities to learn and remember are greatly diminished.
It is difficult for family and friends to comprehend much less accept that this person is not the same - not just a bit less capable, a bit more forgetful. This person can not learn anymore. Is not improving, is not the same.
You cannot meet their expectations. Even living with it day to day, it can be difficult to accept that your mother is not the person you remember.
Is there anything in the house that she could be in charge of doing?
I like the suggestion of knitting caps for neonatal babies, would she be able to do that? Could she write letters to the troops overseas or work on making a care package for them? Can you have her go through old photos and label them? Clean closets that have been neglected for years.
The caregiver must remain well. After 5 years of caregiving and working full time, I had many health issues pile up, and I suddenly CRASHED, a few months after her death. I must have been running on empty a long time...just pure adrenaline.
But I guess the fact is the school does not want to hire her, and probably for good reason. I am a generation younger and was forcibly retired, and while money is not an issue for me I can empathize with your mom about a lack of purpose, reason to get up etc.
Are there opportunities short of her job where she could do productive and contributing things for perhaps a few hours a week?
Will she die? Maybe, maybe not. My MIL literally willed herself to die. Why, because at 92 she could no longer live in her home in Fla. And even though she had 3 sons willing to take her in, she wanted to continue to be on her own. (We all lived 8, 12 and 18 hrs away. She chose to live in Fl)
Your Mom can no longer be reasoned with. She probably thinks she is still young. Like a child, she can't understand why she can't do. I think you are doing all you can. Actually, I think Mom has a pretty good life and support. But the disease is such she can't appreciate it.
Might she consider “helping” at an adult daycare, if you happen to be near enough to one? My MIL was appalled at the very idea of going to on adult daycare, but after we asked the staff to ask her to “help” some of the other participants in the program, that worked pretty well for a while.
Depression and anxiety are sometimes overlooked when someone has more observable symptoms of cognitive loss, and your description seems to point in that direction, and agitation is another commonly observed problem.
Your mother is 88, with increasing cognitive loss. If Sister has an answer (sounds like she doesn’t) be sure to encourage her to take a shot at making Mom “happy”. If she’s willing to give it a try, she’s likely to be surprised that nothing she comes up with will make much difference.
Having dementia deprives the victim of rational thought. A sense of “meaning” is much more abstract to expect from someone who can no longer consistently remember. You are not doing anything that will hasten her death.
https://www.alz.org/local_resources/find_your_local_chapter
- and see what they have to offer in the way of meaningful occupation for your mother. Doesn't have to be work, exactly, after all; just anything with a structure to it and work-type contact with others.
So, what can you do to integrate her into daily life? Even if she's confused and forgetful? One of the standard recommendations I've seen here is folding towels. Can she do dusting? Gather ingredients for cooking? Set the table?
Even if you have to do things over (w/o letting her know), find a way to integrate her into the family and let her do things for herself.
I've experienced this personally as for some reason younger people seem to think I need help packing groceries and putting them in the car. It's kind that they think that, but I don't want their help. I'm going to be self sufficient for as long as I can, although I have stopped climbing ladders and doing heavy work outside. (I do wish though that someone would help me when I have to lug out heavy stuff from Lowe's or HD.)
What about acting as a friendly visitor to people who get Meals on Wheels? Or selecting and signing good wish, get well cards to deliver to the Senior Center, for the MOW people to take to shut-ins?
My father periodically received hand-made cards and greetings from grade school classes for children. It was heart warming, and created the feeling that he wasn't alone. You could buy a pack of cards, let her choose what to say, then take her with you to the Senior Center for selection on recipients. And be sure to give her feedback afterward.
One of our long time members has helped in hospitals; I'll PM her and see if she has suggestions. You could buy Get Well or cards that just let children know someone is thinking of them.
(But have her sign as a "friendly grandmother", or something similar. When you're delivering cards or something for people you don't know, don't provide personal information.
Decades ago there was a site with lists of tasks people with dementia could handle. You might contact the Alzheimer's Assn. to see if they have such a list.
I think the whole issue here is not to pamper the older person, but help him/her retain a sense of purpose.
My father was active well into his 90's; I'm sure, and doctors have affirmed this, that purpose helps older people focus, validate their existence, and live longer.
It may be a challenge, perhaps more than you're facing now, but think about all she's done and how you can integrate that into her life today and for the future. And ask her opinion, even if she won't be able to offer good suggestions.
Sense of purpose, validation, etc implies a healthy brain. That is not the circumstance here.
This woman’s mother is in PROGRESSIVE DECLINE. This is likely a transition phase where memory issues will challenge the person’s own reality, sense of place and time, and recognition of loved ones. Judgement and rational thought/logical thinking become very patchy. The caregiver clearly sees this starting. The family members do not.
Or perhaps there's a way she can be a friendly petter for animals at shelters.
This is not the question you asked, but here's my additional answer anyway: I think it's time for your siblings to step up to help and time for you to stop paying your mom's expenses.