I'm not sure I mentioned this in my first message (which was so warmly received last week and I thank you all!) but my mother also has uncontrollable angry outbursts that can last anywhere from half an hour to all night long. She becomes the nastiest, meanest, angriest person I've ever seen. It's like I'm watching the Exorcist and wouldn't be one bit surprised to see her head spin around.
She's in a wheelchair but thinks she can walk. She can't even transfer from bed to chair to toilet, etc. by herself and screams at people when they try to help her. We live in fear of her anger because we're brainwashed into thinking her feelings matter the most and you MUST NOT UPSET the person with dementia! I feel like screaming at her, "You have dementia and don't know what the @#%$@#$%^ you're talking about!! The reason you don't know you can't walk is because you have dementia. Dementia. DEMENTIA. It's not everyone else who can't remember, it's YOU."
Yes, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? I never actually say it. I scream it inside my head when I try for the 1200th time to tell her that "your Dr. just wants to make sure you're safe, that's why people are here to help you".
We are looking into memory care now. And yet despite all I've written, I'm still torn. About 30 minutes a day she's a decent human being. I have pictures in my head of her sitting alone in her room scared, lost, confused and alone. It breaks my heart. At the same time, I'm coming to hate this woman who used to be my mother. And lemme tell you, she wasn't that much more amiable before she had dementia. She's always been narcissistic and me-centric. She never had one iota of self-awareness or accountability. Everything was always someone else's fault. She is still that person times a million now. I keep hoping she'll someday become a fun dementia patient who says goofy things and wears silly hats and laughs at the little things. Yes, I realize I'm delusional.
So, I write to you, dear warrior friends. You get it. You know the feelings without me even having to type them, but type them I do. Sending them out into the universe where they have fallen on compassionate ears and hearts. I so appreciate the response I got to my first note. I haven't felt that in a long time. That feeling that I'm not alone. I'm not in this by myself fighting for my sanity. I feel like we're all in this together. My dearest wish is that some of these words help some of you as you've helped me in your response.
That's it for tonight. Tomorrow? Onward and upward, right?
P.S. It just dawned on me that I haven't asked a question! My question is, what are your most successful distractions when your LO is uncontrollably angry?
Thank you :)
We never want to simply label someone--b/c there are a million and one things that make us be the way we are.
However--your mom sounds so much like my MIL. Never, in my life with her, have I seen her be truly KIND. Mostly she was a simmering cauldron of anger. As time has passed, she no longer seems to have the slightest ability to control her thoughts/words. Whatever she thinks just comes raging out.
She lives in her own home. I don't know, really, what kind of 'help' she gets other than a weekly maid service. SIL retired early and goes daily to help her.
The LAST time I saw her--about 6 months ago, she couldn't stop screaming at me. Dh was trying to reconnect her Wi-F- and he was struggling to get her to STOP yelling long enough to get some answers. They are both deaf, so talking super loud is the norm. But this was screaming, I mean, had the neighbors called on us, I wouldn't have been surprised.
After 45 years of this increasing behavior, I gave up and walked out. I am planning to never see or speak to her again. That's how I have to handle this. Just walk away. And I don't look back.
I LOVED when you said that you divorced yourself from her!
Your MIL doesn’t deserve your company and there is absolutely no reasoning with her.
I know that every time that I give someone the benefit of the doubt that I really should not have, due to their past cruelty to me, I have regretted it immediately.
So sorry you have to put up with this. She would have been gone from my home long ago. It would have been too much for me. I like my peace and quiet.
Is Mom on any medication? Because MC may not keep her if she disrupts the other residents.
If someone here gave you the impression that you must not “upset” the person with dementia, I’d have to disagree with that, and here’s why-“dementia” means no filters on behavior. If you accept that as a fact of her life, you need to acknowledge and accept the fact that you have no reasonably predictable way of knowing what’s going to set her off, because SHE doesn’t know either.
If by chance you DO see something that seems to trigger her over and over, then it’s reasonable to try to limit that from happening, with the expectation that you may succeed some of the time, but not always. The actually applies to her more appropriate behavior too. If she’s doing something positive and acceptable, enjoy it and give it a positive reaction. Just don’t assume that “good” behavior means “cure”.
Medication might help. What she’s doing maybe an aspect of sundowning, especially since you see it most late in the day and I to the night. Some carefully planned medications administered by someone who understands geriatric issues, can help moderate some night problems.
Placement in residential care, especially if you find a place near enough to you to frequently drop in for a few minutes, is not incarnation. It can be a safe peaceful lifestyle. Guilt aimed at yourself is useless and self damaging, and you just don’t need that.
You’re probably doing better than you think you are. You are doing what you can, and if it isn’t working it’s because her cognitive life is no longer connected to reality, and that is not you fault.
There must be a plan somewhere to reach an uncontrollable angry person.
I would try to make a big deal about serving ice cream, or making a fancy banana split (every night if necessary). Not asking if she wants some, just ignoring her, while you prepare it in front of her. Then wheelchair her up to the table, sit down and start eating. If she stops ranting long enough, maybe she will ask for some.
Yes, I know this sounds simple, maybe stupid to some. We could all comment on which drugs she could have at night to calm her, or other things that might work. But I am up late, and this is all I could come up with. At least if there is ice cream, you will feel better, I hope.
I enjoyed your post Exhausted One. Let us know if anyone's head starts spinning. I would be scared! 🤗
My husband’s grandmother was so awful. She would never have agreed to living in a facility. She would have never left her large uptown home.
Thank God she had lots of money because she paid two live in caregivers to stay with her around the clock.
She didn’t have Alzheimer’s disease. She was just evil!
She wasn’t nice to her caregivers at all. I felt so badly for those caregivers. She would fire them everyday!
My husband’s parents had to tell the caregiver to ignore being fired daily and give them more money to stay on! LOL
She couldn’t live with her only daughter. My MIL had non Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
There is a special place in heaven for people who do this work. They were excellent caregivers and deserved every penny that they earned. They were actually paid well because they weren’t with an agency.
It's not fun, it's not easy, and it is very very sad...
I have my DNR AND POLST IN PLACE... But does that really do anything for our loved ones if our bodies are still strong, but our minds are not here?
I went through both tramas: cancer and ALZ and early onset ALZ.
I LIKE QUEEN's SONG: SHEAR HEART ATTACK . Especially the title.
With This GN
It works every time :)
Goodluck and Good night until I read the full text.. .Just read the last line :)
Even people with dementia figure out that certain behaviors get certain results, we teach people how to treat us. Unfortunately your mom has gotten away with this type of behavior for her entire life, she will not see it easily, so you have to remove yourself and encourage others to do the same thing.
Anger is so difficult to deal with, learning not to engage is an art, as is walking away, hanging up or leaving. You can do this!
First of all, sending a bazillion hugs your way!
My caregiving days are behind me. So, I am not going through it anymore but I will never forget how my life changed after mom moved into our home.
You are entitled to feel exactly as you do. Your feelings are completely normal.
You’re smart to understand that dementia has rocked your mom’s world. In my case, Parkinson’s disease rocked my mom’s world. It is heartbreaking to see a parent decline.
You aren’t delusional because you recognize that your mom has had flaws all of her life, unfortunately the dementia has made it worse for her and you.
My mom has always been a perfectionist and they don’t like anything done in a way that they would not do it.
This situation drives them crazy. Their irrational thinking drives us crazy, therein lies the problem! A cycle of an unhealthy relationship begins.
Escape? Only escape I can see is exactly what you have done, plan to separate from her as soon as possible.
Short term escapes? Geeeeez, I don’t know. I suppose as soon as the sitter from Council on Aging would come for four hours, I was out of the door on my way to grab a coffee, browse in a bookstore or what I really liked was getting outdoors.
I felt free being outside. Spending so much time inside made me feel like I was trapped in prison.
So heading to a park or anywhere outside was so refreshing, even walking on a busy sidewalk and seeing faces other than my mom’s face was a nice break.
We need to relax and unwind. We need stimulation too. I don’t know about you but I felt like my life was so stagnant like a still body of water. I desperately wanted to feel my life in motion again.
Caregiving is very isolating! I hope that you will find the peace you so deserve now and after your mom is placed.
I will say this though, "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is the letting go." It's time to let go. When your anger boils over, that's a sign your caregiving days at home are over. It's good you're looking into MC. We are always torn about making the decision to place our LO. You say "about 30 minutes a day she's a decent human being", That leaves 23 1/2 hours she's difficult and it's difficult for you. Hmmm! Seems out of balance doesn't it?
Go ahead and follow up with a care facility. She won't be happy but she'll be safe, and well cared for by people who understand.
Thank you for appreciating the advice and suggestions you get from this forum. I wish I was part of it when I really needed it.