My dad left my mom with a lot of money when he passed 10 years ago. She shouldn’t need to do anything to make money. Just to spend wisely. She is now 69 and met a 55 yr old man. The man worked part time at a farm type store when they met. Well he got fired, and he drinks 32 cans of beer and mixed drinks a day. He started flirting with her when he came over to help with home repairs. She stopped going to church, started drinking with him. She pays for his insurance and everything else. He is talking to her about investments with her money. Anyone who speaks up - she says doesn’t like them and she cuts them off from communication. They met 2 months ago and plan to marry in the summer. She won’t hear of a prenup neither. Afraid he will leave her poor and alone. I don’t feel that there is anything I can do. Otherwise I’ll be out of her life too. And at least I’m in it right now. Any advice is welcomed.
Good Luck, sorry I can't help. But at least you know your not alone.
From what I can see, Here are the major issues , in the order of importance that I can see – You need to prioritize them for yourself
1: MONEY : You want to protect your mothers assets for HER benefit
2: Her change of Lifestyle, or to put it more bluntly, Her dependence on him. (co-dependent: fear of him leaving)
3: Tough Love : Mom doesn’t want to hear anything negative about him so she pushes those who care about her away
So.. Let me get right to my suggestions and train of thought.
A) At her age and circumstance, having a man around “Feels” like Security – it may be the opposite but to her, It Feels like her safety net. Don’t add logic to my statement, See it from HER point of view
B) Due to A) above, She will most likely conform to what she thinks HE wants her to be. Even at the expense of losing you and the other family members. Very similar to insecure young adults who Change when they start dating. If they are healthy, this change only lasts a little while until the boundaries snap back in place. In your moms case, it looks more like this will only get worse, not better. Tip: the more other “push” her , the farther she will distance herself to “protect the relationship with him.
C) Money Money Money. It can’t buy love… or can it. Nope, but the Illusion of giving giving giving might be the only thing your mom thinks will satisfy him (especially with a 14 year age difference)
Ok I typed above before reading all the other posts;
She bought him a new car – Bad but water of the bridge…oh well
She gave him Power of Attorney BAD – Real Friggin Bad = I am certain that this was at HIS request – SCAM and someone else was probably right, The other Girl is probably in on it.
Don’t know the laws in your state but you might want to go to Her Pastor and Doctor and explain the situation , They may have “Intervention” ideas.
Most states have some kind of law regarding guardianship when the individual is not capable to care for themselves. Don’t assume that she is in control of her facilities.
Her Pastor and Doctor will hopefully have more specific information
Now about the POWER of Attorney, Call yourself your Own ELDER LAW Attorney and FAST.
They might be able to Nullify the POA for the drunk , maybe for duress or Signing under threat (that the drafting attorney wasn’t aware of or could have cared less about)
I’m about to say something nasty about attorneys (some of them,)
Any Attorney that would draw up a Power Of Attorney in these circumstance should be Tared, Feathered and left in the desert. They are a dime a dozen and SCUM . Trust me , My parents had one of these SCUM attorneys who would draft Legally Binding Docs without giving 2 _hits about the consequences. They just wanted their fee.
Now a few suggestions: Your mom will not let any threat, and that mean you, interfere with the relationship. So heed her warning. Don’t try to convince her he’s a bad guy. You could paste on the fridge copies of arrest warrants, Private eye pictures of him with the other girl and even recordings of the guy and the girls Laughing about how they Took Your Mom and she Still wouldn’t believe he’s scum. But YOU.. How Dare You try to pull them apart.
Let the Dr. Clergy, Lawyers be the bad guys . You should just spend quality time with her. Who know
My Last words: Get the Elder Law Attorney FAST !! with a Power OF Attorney, The money could be gone by now… All Of It .
Might be a good idea to talk to the Bank President about the situation . The Bank Is NOT OBLIGATED TO ACCEPT THE POWER OF ATTORNEY .
But if you don’t inform them They won’t have any reason to suspect somethings up
Good Luck
UneekGuy
Ps. I have a few buckets of Tar if you want me to participate (just adding a little humor to a Horrible situation )
As others have suggested, get the private investigator to take pictures of him and the other women - more than one time so that it is a pattern of behavior, call the police and have him pulled over for DWI when he leaves and has been drinking - do this every time as she will most likely bail him out the first couple of times. If you called APS - good - but if she tells them she wants to do this they will say it is her money she gets to choose - but it might scare him to know someone in authority is watching.
And call her doctor and report her behavior because the MS can cause cognitive changes, maybe they could call her in for a check up and routine blood work (not saying you called them to do so).
You do have a right to get involved because when the money is gone in 5 years and she is in worse health and alone it will be up to you to pick up the pieces - you can say to her you will not - but you know you will because you love her and then there goes your retirement nest egg paying for her shots and care.
It's true that everybody has the right to live how they please, but if one is not helped by family and friends when they are in this kind of horrible situations, then when?
They say pictures speak a thousand words. My first thought was to hire a private investigator and make your mom see pictures of this man with the other woman. It would be painful, but perhaps it's the only thing that could help her opening her eyes. Just my 2 cents.
A good PI can take a person down. My friend is responsible for quite a few people ending up in jail with her evidence. Get that PI!
Another thing you might think about is seeing if your mom would meet with an attorney. Tell her that it's to plan for her future in case something happens and she ever needs long term care, etc, that you worry about that, and want to see if she would be willing to make a plan so that you know her wishes as far as health care and finances, as well as putting some of her money into trust to save for that purpose. Don't mention the guy, or anything about this in front of the guy.
An attorney may be able to persuade her to put at least a good portion of her money into a trust so that it is protected from this guy. Also, if she hasn't done any POA or Advance Directive paperwork, it would be a good time anyway to plan for and talk about that before she does need long term care.
**Oh, I just saw where you said she gave him POA and filled out the Advance Directive. You could still take those to the attorney too and have him/her draft new ones if she would agree to such. Again, maybe the attorney can explain why it would be better to have a next of kin as POA. Depending on how they were done, they may or may not be valid anyway.
One more option that might help prove to her that he is lying about the other woman and would tell more about his history might be to hire a private investigator.
Good luck, and keep us posted. I hate hearing stories like this of elderly being taken advantage of.
True, POA can be changed. My mom once had my oldest brother (heroin addict) named as her POA! I took her to an attorney and had her drop him as POA! Her reason for doing it was so irrational. She felt sorry for him and wanted to build his confidence.
People prey on other’s emotions. So sad.
So - your mother herself has known of, if not known personally, this man for some years, she knows his track record and reputation?
MS, heart issues, new treatments - has anybody closely examined her soundness of mind? Acute mental illness isn't always obvious, but it might still be there.
The rest of the family has been banished for their "treachery" and "prejudice" - are you still in touch with them, though? What is anyone thinking about what to do?
ot is like a teenager I’m love.
She is incredibly happy with this man.
other than being blinded by love- she is of sound mind.
Is it possible the MS is causing mental deterioration?
Can you contact an Eldercare attorney and lay this out for him/her and ask advice?
Does she have long term care insurance? Because she should understand that no one is taking her in when he dumps her.
But oh wouldn't it be wonderful to prevent its being needed.
I feel for your mom and for you. Hire a PI.
He was fired for a reason! He probably wasn’t showing up for work due to his drinking. He is taking advantage of your mom. Flattering her. He is a total scumbag!
Yep. It’s ALL about the MONEY!
If he is involved with another woman, she is probably part of the scam.
Do you know if the money is in a trust or does she just have free access and control? If it is in a trust you may be able to notify the attorney and get some input or flag things. Maybe.
I can so relate to your concern and frustration, my dad got a young thang and everyone but him could see that she was all about the money. When he was completely broke and almost dead, she got a divorce. He ended up with us and we were able to get him a decent savings account and good insurance, better health, teeth and damned if he didn't run off and find her. Has blown through 40k in 6 months and we are waiting for the train wreck to happen. She got him to disconnect from everyone for years, can't abuse someone when others are watching. She used every trick in the book to isolate him, he agreed, much as your mom is doing.
You can be ready to pick up the pieces or you can let her live with the consequences of her choices. I have helped my dad many times on this psycho journey he has chosen and I have decided that the next call for help will have me dialing 911. I am not willing to be abused so he can pretend. This is the choice you will have to make.
I love my dad and wish him the very best but not at my expense ever again. I hope you are spared much of my journey but from what you describe, I am afraid you are on the same ride.
The money is free to use. No trust. His death was sudden and unexpected. So no provisions were made.
She bought him a car yesterday.
Yes. Removing family and friends is a bold move. There is only one reason to do that.
So far I’ve kept my mouth shut. I feel it’s the best thing to do at this time. But I feel it’s so wrong as well.
I have a feeling we are taking the same ride. Much 💕
Im on here asking for guidance to help.
Not making assumptions. The people closest to her who said something she doesn’t want hear has been told to go away and she hates them. Her friends - other family members- church members. If I mess up- no one will be allowed to be around her to know what’s going on. Im the last one to still have contact. Therefore, I’m treading lightly at this point. I don’t want to make the same mistakes others have made.
I am asking for input before I make a move. Critical thinking.
So your post doesn’t really help. But thanks for trying.
The only other new thing is she went to the doctor and they started testosterone shots. The place caters to women’s hormones.
Could be both, of course :(
Anyone who has cautioned her in any way- has been removed from contact.
She began to yell at her sister when she mentioned it. Told her she hated her and didn’t want to ever see her.
This is so out of character. They have been inseparable until now at the age of 69.
I cant believe this is really happening.
It’s something I would watch on dateline. Not being effected in anyway.
What do her friends think of him? Has the pastor met him?
DI'd your dad leave the funds outright to her?
Has anyone asked mom to give him a very simple " test"? Have her mention casually that the funds are entailed in a way that prohibits her from moving them from where they are right now? And see if he skedaddles?
Has he met her pastor? Once. So she was on the board of the church. He doesn’t want her going to that church. So when when the church misses her they made an unannounced visit. He was there. He poured himself a drink and drank it. Alcohol that is.
The funds are all hers. She told him all about what she has. He is making investment suggestions. She doesn’t need to make more money. I’m talking A LOT of money. She just needs to live. Not make money. He knows about oil money. My dads SS money and everything else. I have no clue why she told him about it all. She bought him a new car yesterday.
Don't push or talk bad about him that will make her want him even more. Remember you can catch more bees with honey.
I am afraid that CM is right about this guy.
Good luck!
Alas, alas, alas; that is what she is afraid of, and yet she is going *exactly* the right way to make *exactly* that happen. He will spend her money, blame her for his failed investments, and then leave her. She will be about 75 by then, I would guess. 75 and flat broke and broken-hearted. Great.
Well, what can you do. She is excited and in love, after ten years of being alone. She does not want you to burst her bubble. You can understand that, can't you? She is also not going to take it well if you point out that she is being incredibly stupid, but then who would?
Is there any way you can at least put the brakes on a bit? Create more time for reality to dawn on her? Talk her into a bigger happier celebration combined with her seventieth birthday, or any delaying tactic you can lay your hands on.
What do you know for a fact about this man - his history, past relationships, things like that?
There is the faintest possibility - there always is, you never know - that your mother and this man will be one another's fairytale redemption and it will be for the best. It is sadly far more probable that you will be picking up the pieces in a few years' time. How would you feel about just being ready to do that when it happens?
Medically, my mom is in her right state of mind - minus this new man.
This man has many DUI, divorce, bankruptcy, he can’t hold a job, drinks all the time, oh and he is also in a 5 yr relationship with another woman his age. My mom can’t see that he and the woman are still in a relationship. He leaves her house at 1am (drunk) and returns about 12-1pm. His other lady travels a lot as well.
Her sister (the person she is the closest too) asked her to consider slowing down. She replied- you don’t like him and you never have. And started screaming at her. And said things a teen would say. Like I hate you- I never want to see you again.
im actually debating if he is drugging her.
I am at a true loss. I’m concerned if I speak up, I will be the last to be exiled from her life At least this way I can observe. Yesterday she bought him a new car. He pulled up to the house squealing his tires and it. He doesn’t work. So she bought it. He lives in a 5th wheel.
if he leaves her like that- if couse I will be there. I sincerely love her. She has medical problems and I won’t be able to cover weekly shots of 1k and her health ins though. And the other luxuries she is accustomed to.
I really need help.
Don’t show your hand. Keep the poker face because she is trying to observe.
Your parents did did their best to make sure you were happy. Things happen. Get over it. Do your filial duty and whatever you need to keep going. Nobody will even try to stop you, If they do, just PM here and they will be sorry they even thought of it.
If you have my level of understanding, you will not be having any doubts.
That all I will say. It’s not like Gladiator. Taking entire movie scripts and assuming it’s entirety will make you delusional and crazy. Using parts of movie scripts to motivate yourself and create the unchallengeable rationale is what legends are made of.