I'm not too far away from turning 30. I've had to help my mom for over a decade and especially in the last 4-5 years. Because of that and because of the shape she's in, mainly her unable to use the bathroom without help, along with her refusal to get extra help and the nursing home not being an option, I haven't been able to try and find work and had no choice but to delay the start of my career.
Some backstory here. I didn't work during college because if I did, I would've flunked out. My dad and one of my siblings were on me on a semi-regular basis to find work and they, mainly the sibling, didn't fully realize I wasn't built to balance school and work and I would've paid for THEIR mistake had I listened to them. I had 4 big papers due in a 5 day span at one point, but the sibling somehow felt that wasn't a legit excuse to not work during college despite the fact I was practically living at the library for a couple of weeks as a result at the time. My mom was in better shape during my time in college compared to now, but she was in bad enough shape to where she couldn't completely go without any help from me when I was home for the summer, breaks, or even a weekend, thus eliminating a summer job.
I had post-college depression after college and when I came back to my hometown after graduating, I had zero motivation to do much of anything, let alone find work. What few jobs I tried to apply for, I never got to the interview stage. And it was mostly entry level jobs. Not even one of my in-laws yelling at me to find work got me motivated to look. My mom's mobility woes and, unbeknownst to us at the time, undiagnosed cancer also kept me from looking for work in other cities and towns. I had planned on making a harder push to find work when 2017 began, but my mom's cancer diagnosis derailed that plan before it could be launched. I did try to apply for a couple of jobs while she underwent chemo. I didn't get hired by either, but both proved to be blessings in disguise. Had I been working while she did chemo, who would take her to chemo? She mainly rode in my car and I would've had it while working. And when I tried applying for the 2nd job, that came a few weeks before my mom started using a wheelchair and I had to start driving her to her treatments after that.
I've seen stories from caregivers that had to drop out of the workforce and take up caregiving roles, only to find themselves struggling, if not unable, to return to the workforce once caregiving ended. And it makes me wonder what I could be in for as someone with no job experience because of uncontrollable circumstances and the fact that caregiving prevented me from launching a career after I graduated college.
Your mother can find paid care or extra help but you can never go back and relive these years.
as long as you are there, no one will change. Start with finding a job, any job, so you get some independence. From there you can look to start your career.
Find help for your mother and visit regularly, but start your own life.
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
"Yes
I hate caregiving. It has done a lot of damage to my life. I'm almost 30 and I've had to help my mom in some capacity since I was 17 and caregiving is the only thing I've done since graduating college. I'm at the point where my disdain for helping my mom 24/7 outweighs my love for her. I cringe at times when she needs me to do something.
However, having said all of that, I DO NOT want the caregiving to end with her dying. I don't want it to end with me dying either. I want it to end with her being mobile and able to live on her own again and I can leave the nest and start my life. I don't want it to end with one or both of us dying or go through something major, tragic, or controversial. "
The way things are going, your caregiving career is tough to end with either you or mom dying. That isn't at all unusual, happens more often than not. The way I see it, you do not want to change it. For whatever reason you are content, or content enough to not want to change. And you are the only one that can change it.
What is your degree in? This is an excellent time to start a career, so many companies cannot find the employees they need. Get on with it!
You won't change anything until your mom dies and she won't change anything as long as she has her step and fetch boy. You would do better to come to terms with this life is your choice and it has some sucky consequences in your future.
"Recovering from cancer treatments" for 5 years?
So this is a stable and chronic condition, according to her doctors? She will need round the clock care for the rest of her life, according to her doctors?
Is she paying you for being her caregiver? Has she seen a geriatric psychiatrist to treat her depression?
She hasn't seen a psychiatrist. Plus, the recovery has been ongoing since late 2018. 2017 was when she started the treatments.
Aside from having trouble moving her legs, what illnesses does your mom have that prevent her from functioning on her own in a wheelchair?
Had a woman in my building in a wheelchair, paralyzed from polio. Went to work everyday until she died of cancer. Had hired help.
I still don't get why mom needs someone hovering 24/7.
And she gets emotional whenever someone tells her to exercise.
Ultimately, my mom will likely be around another 25-30 years. Longevity runs strong in her immediate line.
Is there a home to inherit? Anything else? What if mom and grandma need nursing home care? Nursing homes in my area are 10-12,000 a month. Any assets they may have have to be spent down before Medicaid will ever kick in. And then you need to make sure they are not giving money to anyone! You must have expenses how do you pay for them?
I think it would be helpful for you to meet with an elder law attorney to find out how best to care for mom and protect you and your future so when you need a facility there will be some assets for you to pay for that.
What if you got hit by a car tomorrow?
Would your mom just die?
Nope. Social services would step in.
Just like if you left tomorrow to take a job.
Just like if you remained living with her and got a job at Denny's.
APS would step in and find her care.
You need to want a job and a life more than you fear your mother's disapproval or anger.
"To ask permission is to seek denial". Best career advice I ever got.
1. From what I read, this is a prime time to find an entry level job, as the job market seems to be in turmoil as the US churns through changes and challenges at many levels.
2. Those who start at the top are more likely to have connections, platinum degrees from highly desirable colleges, and/or other supports. Most of us don't have that.
3. I started as a receptionist at a small real estate company, and while I was too young to understand the concept of leveraging jobs, that's what happened. Eventually I moved into law, accidentally, but found that the legal field is fascinating, and so relevant to everyday life. I often "temped" to get a broader exposure to law, worked at some top law firms, gained a wide breadth of exposure to various practice areas of law, and got hired when I was ready to settle down at one firm.
Eventually I moved into paralegal work, then later at another governmental agency, contract administration. That was a long way from being a receptionist.
4. Along the way, I went to college, but never graduated as I ran out of money and could in no way justify or afford the PhD that originally was my goal. Nor would I borrow and go into debt; I just worked 2 jobs.
Once I went from my day job in law to a hostess at a local restaurant. It was an interesting contrast and helped pay for tuition.
5. I think you need to stop using caregiving as an excuse; you need to change your attitude and stop considering it as a detriment. Ariadnee writes from good experience: how can you leverage this experience to get an entry level job?
Do some research and focus more on the aspects of working you'll be learning, not the least of which is interacting with people of lessor or greater educational experience, motivation, attitude, and more qualities.
6. Take a good look at what you're written and see how often caregiving is injected as a fallback.
7. If you're looking for confirmation that you won't find a decent job, you won't, w/o an attitude adjustment.
I'm being particularly blunt b/c that's the way I see the situation. Some serious insight into your approach is required at this point.
Excuses are ok-to a point. But, "time waits for no one, and it doesn't wait for me"-per Mick Jagger. Time to move on from the pity party, and get going into defining yourself as a person and a fully functioning part of society. Life ain't perfect, non of us are, but get into the game, a whole 'nother world is out there for you to explore.
One morning as I was changing Mom's ostomy bag, it dawned on me, that I'd far rather do that than to ever work in retail agin. After she passed, I volunteered at the Cancer Center she was treated at. Loved it. Spoke to a female reproductive oncologist surgeon who totally supported my career change, as did many other people I spoke to there.
I enrolled in Community College's medical assistant program-2 years, and, most importantly recognized by the American Medical Association-not a program in a strip mall setting. My skills, training are recognized and respected by the AMA. Tuition is not cheap-but worth every penny.
In a few months from graduating, I had a very good job in the field. One surgeon said I was the best MA they ever hired. In six months from graduation, I'd earned back all that was spent on my career change/education. I was not young when this happened, but, didn't stop me-I had to have a better way of making a living.
So, buckle up Buttercup, time to take charge of yourself, of getting in to the regular world and get started on to a better life. With all the caregiving you have done, why not volunteer at a senior center? See where it takes you.
To see you need a little help, to get some therapy or a life coach to look at *life stuff* & work out want you really want & how to plot a course there.. also smart.
I am sorry your Mother is ill. There may be not a lot you can change about that.
But I do hope you tend to your own life plans - so you can nurture then to spring to life very soon.
Start getting your ducks in a row now..it is part of the caregiving. Who has POA? Are all those things in place? Are you caregiver for mom , because she doesn’t have funds for an AL ? Or nursing home? Regardless steps should be taken to prepare for this.
call your county office of aged and disabilities office for insight.
Timeline .. your mom in mid fifties? As another poster sited , you could be still in this roll when your fifty.. then what ? See, you have the keys to your future. You have to take the steps to unlock it.
I am quite sure that you won't agree, but your "failure to launch" if I may so put it has nothing whatever to do with your mother's ill health. Who would have driven her to chemo if you'd been working, indeed. Good heavens, what do you think happens to all the patients who don't have unemployed sons on hand to take them? - they find a way. Your mother would have found a way.
People yelling at you or nagging you on a semi-regular basis are not going to provide you with motivation. Finding something you want to do will. What do you, or failing that what did you, want to do?
My husband and I have run a branding/marketeing firm for 38 yrs and have hired many people for many differing positions. We never "required" a degree and could overlook lack of experience, the candidates just had to have good hygiene, good people skills, and prove that they were self-governing on the job and creative problem solvers.
IMHO if you can allow yourself to be flexible but have a realist end-goal in sight, you can do much in life. This is the hottest job market I can ever remember, so you should be able to get a full-time job that would give you benefits so that at least you can get your independence established. Before starting our business, my husband and I worked all sorts of jobs that were unrelated to what we do now. But patience and willingness to work hard are very important, not necessarily the degree (...and what is your degree in? ).
To be honest your post sounds a little Eeore-ish. Perhaps you have untreated depression? Maybe you've not been able to get regular exercise? Exercising clears the mind and helps release endorphins, and you just feel better and sleep better.
Many things can be out of one's control but you can control how you respond to it. If you are unwilling to resign from caregiving your mother, maybe consider contacting a temp agency to see what WFH positions there may be: many Customer Service Reps receive those calls at their home and the company provides them with a laptop and trains them. I know because my relative did this.
You obviously love your mom a lot to have sacrificed so much to help her. But enough is enough and you need to launch your own life now. I think you are listening to exterior voices who are "catastrophizing" you leaving her to do your own life. Please consider getting social services involved to see what in-home help she qualifies for from the county so you can slow extricate yourself. You don't need to tell her this is your hope and plan. You don't need to tell any relative.
Years ago I read a book called "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. I think it would help you. That, or working with a therapist so that you can get an objective viewpoint of where to draw lines and how to maintain boundaries. You are the captain of your own destiny. Once you internalize this truth and stop allowing exterior forces to control your situation you'll see just how many good options you actually have. It will be life-changing.
Why is a nursing home not an option? Sure mom may refuse to.go. You need to get on with your life!
Sometimes it's time to look life in the eye. SEE where you are.. maybe stuck... Maybe being stuck was meant to be for while. Even a long while.
Better than going backwards!
Not staying stuck forever is the thing. Move FORWARD when ready.
That would make you 50 years old with no work history.
I suppose you would be a perfect candidate to work in a nursing home with all your experience.
How sad that your entire existence has been all about your selfish and pathetic mother.
Getting a job when your caregiving duties end is the least of your problems.