What are some questions to ask yourself before you commit to taking your mother (92) into your home?

Have you checked into board and care homes?

They are more reasonably priced and they don't have all the amenities that create a big price tag.

I placed my dad in one because he wouldn't have utilized any of the activities or amenities offered and I thought, why waste money on something he will never use? Not to mention he couldn't afford the thousands of dollars monthly.

It is a good option for someone that just isn't into or able to do the activities offered.

If you do your research, you will find one that works for both of you and where mom can age out.

Doing the caregiving alone becomes to much quickly, especially if your mom isn't ambulatory.

Best of luck finding the best choice to meet her needs.

Please put everything down on paper! Especially if you have difficult siblings to deal with. Try to think out any financial situation, current and future, and any other responsibilities you have to account for if she is legally incapable. If you can, get yourself something, in the form of compensation, even if you plan on not really collecting it. The wear and tear on your home isn't something you expect, but stuff happens. Once she can't make cognitive legal decisions anymore, you are stuck in place. Please just don't over give of yourself. I would hate to think of you, a loving, caring, giving person, to be stuck in a bind later on. If you can, see an attorney or an ombudsmen for better advice. My best to you!

Speaking from many years of experience, people get old or older and with it comes severe mental and physical issues - if not at once, soon. Do YOU want to have the burden of this care and give up YOUR life and way of life. Are you suited to be a caretaker with forever patience? Some are but most are not. Knowing there is no escape to go out or on vacation or whatever will, I assure you, eventually harm you and make you very resentful. And what if it gets worse and she digs in and does not want to leave - heaven help both parties. The cost of these places is insane for what you get but they have people over a barrel. If there is a money problem, seek out those (and they do exist) that will after being there a certain number of years will keep you on subsidy. Medicaid does NOT pay for assisted living - only a nursing home. I don't know what kind of a person she is but if she wants to be with other similar people and will join into the activities, it should work out fine. I would never, ever recommend bring old people with needs into their homes....think, plan but don'6t do it. This is YOUR time of life to live - don't waste that choice.

Are you ready to take on all those responsibilities? You're retired, used to living by yourself. My mom lives with me. She's 87 and I'm 64. She asked me to retire to take care of her. Her mind is slowly slipping. She can only walk with a walker. If I had to bath her and dress her like you are going to have to do, I don't think I would last very long. I would definitely put her into AL. You have to think about the space in your home and where she would sleep. Would the bathroom be near her bedroom? Who will watch her when you need to go out? Do you have steps? Do you like to cook? You'll be totally responsible for everything, just like a newborn baby. Yes, our mother's are worth it, but we're not getting any younger ourselves. Once she's out of money, she can get Medicaid and it will pay for AL. Just being confined to the house a lot is hard enough. Won't be able to just walk out the door and take a walk whenever you want to ...

The quicker you get her into a controlled, professional environment the better chance you both have of access to 24/7 care. You can manage her care and maintain your life.

If your mom is mentally competent, I think an ALF is great. My mom is in an Atria facility and I am very happy with the place. Caveat—and it’s a big one—she (94) no longer is sufficiently mentally sound enough to live here. She cannot remember to push her call button for lunch or dinner; can’t do most things without supervision and prompting. Can’t remember she had uti symptoms to report it before it escalates to hallucinations, ER visit, rehab stay. I have been staying with her as her caretaker temporarily to decide next steps. I can see why this no longer works for her. I just wish it did because it’s a beautiful place with kind caretakers and nice residents. Right now she is having lunch with her 3 lovely tablemates.
A board and care home—something much smaller where residents are more closely monitored—was suggested to me. I visited one and it is what she needs ( but it has a shared bathroom which I know she will not like; nor would I.)
I am now having to decide between moving her there or a nursing home; taking her to my home out of state; or staying with her in the ALF as her caretaker.
Each choice has disadvantages. Tho it is hard, I do think you need to figure out what is best for you and then fit your mom around that rather than making what’s best for her the deciding factor. Because caretaking can swallow your life.
As for the cost, if your mom or her husband was in the military, she may qualify for aid and attendance. It is a VA benefit. Google it and see if she qualifies.
My mom is doing much better with me around. It grounds her mentally. But it is very hard and I don’t know how long I can hang on.
Good luck to both of us.

I have a friend in a senior housing arrangement, which she likes. However, most of the residents say they will go to a small home care arrangement when they need more help. I was impressed with the few I interacted with as a therapist. Of course, they were the ones that brought the residents for treatment so they may have been superior to many. But do explore these arrangements. They are not much less expensive than an institution but a better fit for some.

My questions to myself (which I have already answered) are:

Am I physically able to lift, support, and safely handle a 100+ pound person multiple times per day? No. The likelihood is I would badly injure myself trying to do so (bad back, painful hips and knees), and would also end up with her injured as well. -This one is the deal-breaker, the other questions/answers really just confirmation.

Is my house so configured that neither of us would need to use stairs (already a problem for me at age 62)? Are my bathrooms handicap accessible? No.

Would I be happy with her in my favorite spot in the living room blasting the TV only on her shows? No. Would she accept staying in her room? No, she has been extremely critical of others she knows who have expected that of their live-in elderly parents. She would have to be at the center of the house and household, and entirely on her terms. My life as I prefer it now would vanish. She would be in charge. Does she like my cooking, and would she eat it without endless criticism? No.

Would she be happy isolated in my house never seeing any other people? Not seeing her friends or neighbors? No.

Did she offer to let me move into her house as an adult when I had a brief difficult time moving back to our home state? No. She refused to let me stay there even a couple nights, afraid it would become longer. While still at her best she absolutely rejected the idea of us sharing a home. Would it magically be better now? A huge “no.”

I could go on. The big one is the realistic physical expectation of the work load at your age and state of health. Can you take on a more than full time, heavily physical job, where you work all the shifts on-call around the clock?

I had to move my mom in with us when she had MASSIVE bed bug problem.

She is not vey mobile and uses a walker. We built a custom house and tried to make it handicap assessable for our old age. The showers all had a small step-over to get into the shower and she could barley step over it. Now we look back and think we should have made one of the showers a roll in type.

Although the bathrooms are good size she could not get her walker in.

She fell in the bathroom and knocked the glass shower doors off the tracks. Luckily they did not break and cut her. I did have to call 911 and have firemen pick her up. My husband was not home and I could not do it myself,

I had to clean the restroom EVERYTIME she used it.

She could not get into any of our beds they were to high. I had to get step stool but I was afraid she would fall off. She would get up 4 times a night and I would listen to be sure to get up and help her.

We do not have any carpet or area rugs so no trip hazards but she still fell . No carpets leave hard tile to fall on and she fell three times,

incontinent issues LOTS of laundry.

I had very difficult time keeping up with everything and I had help.

These are just some of the logistical issues we faced and I have not discussed the personality difficulties brought on by the dementia. (They are mentioned in my other posts) She is now in a board and care facility. About $3,500 a month. That’s has its own issues to. This has been long and difficult journey.

I hope this info helps give you an idea of some problems you may encounter.

This is almost my exact situation, except I am considering moving in BOTH parents, both 93, and I am 67.

However, they are currently living in an IL facility and my mom gets AL services. The cost is nearly $7,000/month. Mom is too frail (Parkinson's) to attend book group or play bridge with others, as we imagined she would do. Dad is physically healthy but experiencing gradual dementia, gets lost around the facility, tries to help other old ladies get their food (thinking he's helping my mom).

So the facility isn't meeting their needs and they really need two different kinds of places - one with physical supports/transfers/bathing for otherwise healthy mom, and one with close supervision for otherwise healthy dad. We are actively considering renovating my home with an in-law addition and moving them in here. I would NOT be a full-time caretaker. I still work (teaching) and am out of the house 20 hours/week. I would hire caretakers (with their money - now we're saving $7k/mo) to help with physical care, maybe 3 hours every morning and 2 hours in evenings, plus coverage for times I'm away from home.

Reading through your comments, I pause over the one about what I'd do in an emergency. And I already anticipate the emotional issues - they were difficult parents and we have a more formal relationship now, but it works. I am their main caretaker/driver/interpreter for all medical appointments now.

My brothers are eager for me to take them in. Don't mind giving up a chunk of potential inheritance to have my parents pay for my house renovations. We've already talked about that. But my friends say I'm out of my mind!

I don't want to dissuade you from helping your mother and I know you love her. I also don't want to insult you. I'm 65 and care for my mother age 93. She is fairly mobile, ie, with a walker she can use the toilet (with a bit of difficulty). May I just note, that at 67 you are "no spring chicken" yourself and neither of you are getting any younger. If you decide to have her live with you and something happens to you what happens to her? It's a question that looms large on my mind daily and maybe one you should consider as well. I wish you the best and know that whatever decision you make will be the correct one!

Hi there! I can only give you a glimpse of the experience I’ve had. My mother is also 92. She has dementia with good days and bad days. She can remember memories from 60 years ago but not remember she already had breakfast. Putting her in AL was never really an option. I have two brothers who give me ZERO help. They can’t handle it. I’ve been taking care of my Mom to a fuller capacity the last 2 years. Bathing, feeding, clothing. There have been some adjustments I’ve had to make like putting up a baby gate at night so she doesn’t go wondering. There’s a strap lock on the fridge because she was drinking coffee creamer thinking it was coffee! I also removed the knobs from my stove. I bought a shower chair and a removable shower head to make things easier for bathing. There are days that I want to scream and run. Those days are far between. There are families who are not really close with their parents. I LOVE my Mother. She also helped raise multiple generations in her lifetime. She deserves for us to take care of her now. I respect my Mom immensely. The days that I don’t want to scream, I am so grateful to spend her last days with her. No one is going to treat her the way I do. I look at my caretaking as a privilege. To care for your parent is a gift. Mindset is EVERYTHING. Not always easy but very rewarding. And I know that she is grateful to be with me. I would say ask for help when you need it. You need to take time for yourself whether it’s daily or weekly. Hire someone to watch her while you take a day to go shopping, or to have a nice lunch. Those breaks have gotten me through so much! And I come back feeling refreshed and with a positive attitude. This forum is a blessing as well! So much support and caregivers with so much experience! I am at peace knowing that once it gets to a place that I can no longer provide the best care for her, I will put her in AL. In the meantime, I feel privileged to take care of the woman who took such good care of me. I’ve read so many horror stories about AL that it frightens me to think of her there.
Good Luck! If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask! :)

I am 60 years old and my health is not that great but my mother comes first. I quit my job so that I could care for my mother after the passing of my father 9 years ago. The sad news is that I have 4 other brothers and sister and only one tries to help me with mom. I could sometimes just cry and stop the drama, but I think of my mother. Nursing homes/assisted living is not an option for my mother. Thank God that I have a very dependent and understanding spouse that is very helpful with my mom. Getting support from siblings is awful, so stop trying. I can only speak from my experience. My mother has dementia and needs help with almost everything. But I pray to God every morning and continue my duties as joyful as I can. No one can take care of your loved one like you but it's very hard. Just remember that God is not going to put more on you than you can bear.
Thanks for asking!

One person cannot take care of one dementia patient let alone 2. I worked in this business for 30 years and you can't do that

From my experience and many others that I know it would be a bad move.

You do all the work and get little appreciation for it while the rest of the family does nothing but free load off of your mom.

Besides which at your age your body is wearing down and you may not be able to take care of both her and yourself. It is difficult getting her in and out of the bathtub for her bath. She could fall very easily and hurt herself. If you are not trained in how to handle these situations you can easily hurt yourself and be laid up for a few months.

With her bad memory you would have to take precautions she does not get out of the house and wander. That can be deadly in the winter. I have encountered a few walking around lost in the snow wearing nothing but a house coat. They did not know where they were or where they lived. Thankfully I could figure out where they lived and got them home safely. We call them wanders. If that is the case sow contact information in the back of all of her clothes. That help tremendously if the police find her and take her to the hospital.

I hate to break it to you but most care givers I know regret being a care giver.

First question might be "Are you out of your mind?" Sorry for being brusque, just trying to get your attention. At 68 you are just beginning to feel the declines of old age. You cannot take on the additional stresses of caring for a 92 year old woman who is undoubtedly set in her ways about how and when and why she does anything from brushing her teeth in the morning to putting on her pajamas at night. If she already needs help with daily living chores she will soon be mostly passive in bathing, dressing, and walking. You will not be able to manage those things for her. It would be easier for her to put her into an AL facility now rather than having her adjust to living in your house first then, in a year or so, adjust again to a care facility, especially when it seems as though her mind is beginning to slip. Make the big move now and save all the wear and tear of trying to care for her yourself. I know of only one case in which moving Mom in really worked and many in which it drove everyone crazy. Having Mom live with you would effectively make your home her home and you her servant. You are not likely to be happy with that.

I’ve been thinking about other useful tips since this morning. I thought about my options when things started to become more stressful but here’s what happened. I started to research and call AL’s in my area. I’m in California and I feel it’s more expensive here 7k-12k PER MONTH! She didn’t qualify for any AL because she has dementia. She needs a higher level of care (Memory Care). And for memory care, I was looking at those higher numbers PLUS everything is À la cart. Medication dispense $$, bathing $$, feeding $$. Helping her in the restroom $$$. With all the additional fees I could never do it. My Mom is on a fixed income and Medical will only cover a certain amount and she pays all of her income as a share of cost. A private facility was out of the question. They suggested a long term care facility and those places……NO WAY. I wouldn’t leave my pets there. Research, research, research her insurance options. The more knowledgeable you are, the better decision you can make and be at peace with it. EVERYONE will have an opinion on what YOU should do. And most people are SO negative. Almost bitter. Be positive, and listen to your gut. Sending much love and patience your way!

Jlaroche: Imho, as my mother refused to leave her home to move in with me, I had to move there from my home 7 states from my own. This was very difficult. YOU should not move your mother into your home.

Jlaroche,

First, I think it is wonderful that you are willing to have her live with you and you are concerned about her welfare. God bless you for that.

My mother lived with me and my kids in our current home for 11 years. She was fairly independent at first, but 5 years in health challenges and surgeries gradually diminished her abilities and wellness dramatically.

In retrospect, once it became clear she needed help with meals, fall prevention, bathing, etc. I wish I had looked into Assisted Living or a Nursing Facility as a long term option.

Why do you ask?

1. The Conversation Won't Get Any Easier
No one wants to leave "home" or be away from familiar surroundings and loved ones. The sooner you get your mother somewhere she can receive extra attention, the easier it will be on everyone. If you decide later that it isn't working out, you can always bring her home after the fact. And you can do so with a plan and home health, etc. in place because you'll know her needs beforehand.

2. Elder Care is 24/7
My mom used to say "it only takes a few minutes" to heat up leftovers, crush and mix her meds, etc., etc. In one sense she was right, but there's so much more to it than that. She got to the point she couldn't administer her meds herself (she had a PEG tube) so I was on a 6HR shift for that. Then there was the meals three times a day. Then time for emptying her trash (which had to be done twice a day due to her health issues), checking/changing her dressing, helping her change clothes, etc. Having all those tasks throughout the day really cuts into your day! You never really are at rest for more than a couple of hours.

3. Your mom *might* stay healthier in a facility.
Each situation is different, but I noticed with my mother when she was in a good facility with professional, trained people on a schedule making sure she actually took her medicine on time, had meals in her room regularly, had a bath, etc. she tended to look better and seemed to feel better also. She wasn't in pain from skipping her medicine, she wasn't worn out from trying to do things herself that she wasn't able to do, and she wasn't arguing with me about myriad matters as I tried to handle things for her. :-)

4. You may be better company for her if she's in a facility.
Again, each situation is different, but I had far more energy when I was not caring for my mother in the home by myself. Part of it was not having all those tasks to complete, but another part was having "space" to be myself and live my life.

You say you're retired. That means you can visit your mom frequently and then relax in your own home knowing she is safe.


5. In Home Care/Help May Not Solve Your Problem
I don't know if your mother has or is eligible for Medicaid or not. They pay for ongoing caregiving. Medicare will pay for a nurse and PT if there is a "qualifying event" like significant change in health, discharge from a facility, etc.

That being said, to get the true relief/assistance you need with her, you will need someone coming in 4 hours a day for several days. Even if that is cheaper than the AL facility, you have to coordinate schedules, let someone in your home, and you're still on the hook for the majority of the time.

6. Burnout is Real (and Dangerous).
Over time my mom became less and less able to do things and I went from being laser focused super-caregiver to barely getting by with the necessities and feeling drained all the time. I lost weight and energy and unknowingly began self-soothing with food and treats. I also developed high blood pressure and at one point leg pains and chest pains that sent me to the ER a few times.

In Conclusion...

If you become burned out, you won't give good care to your mother and you won't maintain your current health very long.

If the AL facility is affordable w/ the money your mother has coming in, I say go for it. It is good and right to help her find the best option for everyone involved. It has to work for you too, not j

There are several enlightening posts here to help you decide and some that are negative and not worth reading. That is not to say that there is not a downside to home care, but there are also pluses.
it will be important for you to be able to pay for an aide from an agency or private pay for several hours a week on a schedule that meets YOUR need. If you don’t have that you WILL burnout. With a solid support plan you may be able to make it work. COVID and what I saw during my mother’s stay at a “rehab” facility made it a necessity for me to take her into my home. But it has not been easy. I have good space in my house and a great agency caregiver but I am the only daughter and so I am the caregiver when the aide is not here. My brothers live out of town and can’t do the toileting assistance that I do. She is bedridden so I don’t have to worry about falls but I have to use a Hoyer lift to get her to a chair every day. I am married and it has been a hard adjustment for my husband but we are making it work. She has LTC insurance and pays for supplies and things not covered by Medicare and/or LTC out of HER money. Medicare paid for a hospital bed and the lift. I pay for comfort and safety things like reinstalling my home phone in case I need 911 - can’t risk using a cellphone. The inheritance thing mentioned by one poster is nonsense. As long as she stays with you snd you absolutely need to spend money to make home care at your residence possible, then it is for HER benefit not yours and has no bearing on anything when her estate is being settled - even if you have to renovate a bathroom to make it accessible. Remember that an AL may take her this week, and tell you that she needs skilled nursing the next. Factor that in to your financial planning. But also remember that 24/7 home care at $25 to $30 an hour(or more) is out of reach for most people. Conversely, 24/7 AL or skilled nursing actually costs less but is not one-on-one care and it comes with COVID and quality of care issues. But you do keep your freedom which is not to be undervalued. Since 24/7 home care by an aide is too expensive you likely will have to fill some big gaps yourself. Most of us love our parents - none of this decision making is easy. As I write this, it is 3 AM snd I am up because she could not get comfortable to sleep tonight. A little children’s liquid Tylenol and she is in dreamland. I am not.

In response to KaleyBug:

No one is assuming anything. Jlaroche clearly states in the post that the 92 year old mother needs help bathing, dressing, and walking. She is also forgetting (cognitive decline).
At 92 these things are not going to improve. They are going to get worse the longer she lives. This is fact. A person 68 years old themselves should not take this on.
You did and it worked out well for you. That's great, but your experience is unusual. No way should someone 68 take this and alone on top of it. No way. AL is the best choice here.

The sad fact is that approaching 70, your body is beginning to really slow down. I would not have believed at 65 how different things would be at 75. I thought everything would ease off slowly, lots of time, but there was a real difference. I think it is important to take your own health and energy into consideration before committing to something that may be, in the not too distant future, too onerous. And do give consideration to the social side of life - home can be very isolating. It is not the same for someone with a job, a busy daily schedule outside the home, etc. I suspect a lot of us have learned about that during COVID.

List all the pros and cons and then look at each thing you have written down.
Why should you take her in to live with you
What effect will 24/7 care have on your health
Can you manage 24/7 care
What happens if /when her health deteriorates
Is it better she goes into AL whilst she is able to get to know people rather than have to move when she would find this harder
Are you cut out for being a 24/7 carer, dealing with all personal needs and mood swings
Do you have POAs for when they are needed
Can you keep her safe from falls, wandering etc.
If you can do all these things at 68 can you do them at 72 (assuming she lives 4 years).
What is your health deteriorates so you cannot look after her
If you can answer positively to all the above then have her to live with you - but if even one of the above is a negative then think very hard. You say that already she would not be able to participate in most amenities - that seems to suggest she needs more care that you alone can give. Think about one simple physical act - can you lift her off the floor on your own?

I am a widow in my early 50s (my spouse died last year) and now I am an unexpected solo caregiver for my 90yo mom. Make no mistake, I love my role. But, I have deep respect for the intensity of the job, and I am acutely aware of just how much harder it is without my support system.

I live in easy walking distance to my mom, but I will not co-habitate because I do need a piece of my life, and respite for my physical and mental health is critical.

Beyond that, my thoughts are:
1. You may be surprised by how moving your mom from her familiar routine will reveal deficits you didn't expect. If your mom is not able to relearn the stove, dishwasher, washing machine, thermostat... you will be doing all of it for her. She may perseverate on items that were not moved and talk endlessly about where they are. She may become depressed and dispondent.

2. How adapted is your home to accommodate her physical needs. Are there steps/stairs, area rugs, tubs to step over to get into the shower... all of these things are fall risks and need to be modified before she moves in with you.

3. What do you envision her life to be across the next few years, and how will you provide the expected care. This job only gets harder and more demanding. Do you have the physical strength to care for her? Do you have connections to bring in additional care for her needs? What is the plan to watch her 24/7/365? You will not be able to do this alone. For me, I want my own home so I can sleep while paid caregivers take over my job.

4. How hard will it be to move her a 2nd time from your home to assisted living when she is older and less able to adapt? If your home is not her last move, she will have to go through all of the learning of a new place again. Are you clear in your mind what point you make that 2nd move, and where she will move to?

I would strongly encourage you to live with your mother for at least a month to fully assess her skills in her own familiar home before you move her in with you. Go to all the hospital visits, and talk to her geriatric care specialist. Have a comprehensive geriatric evaluation done to help you identify her overall needs.

Then, have her come stay with you for a few weeks to see how she adapts to your home.

Involve her in the decisions, and have a plan for the full array of needs the two of you may encounter in the years to come before you do anything at all.

My final thought is that this is your mother, and you deserve to have healthy, positive emotions about her. I have made a commitment to my mom to keep her: healthy, safe, and (hopefully) happy - but I can't control happiness. If I am unable to keep her healthy and safe, I will place her where she can receive the care she needs. As she declines, I will bring in paid help so I am not run ragged and turned bitter.
There will be an end to this job. I hope I am spending it by her side sitting with her, holding her hand, and listening to her stories - not exhausted providing all the basic needs and unable to simply spend the time end of life deserves. Wherever you can do that, do it.

My advice is to follow your intuition. Just in your post you asked and then answered your question. Yes, it's wise to first try living with her. It's the least expensive option and if it works, it's amazing. Truly, purely, ultimately amazing and tiring and wonderful and frustrating and heartwarming and battle and forgiveness and..........................

The first thing I would advise is to examine the relationship with your mother. If it is a great relationship where she respects you, you get along well, she has interests to keep her busy then by all means moving her in with you would most likely work well. You must always remember it is important to take care of YOUR needs too.
If you have a volatile relationship with Mom, where is is mean, spiteful, and thinks everything should revolve around her all the time...then AL would be worth it's weight in gold.
Sorry for anyone I have offended...but unless you have or are going through a live in situation with a Mom described in 2nd paragraph, you have NO IDEA.