My narcissistic mother with mod dementia- has had these crazy outbursts at me- scapegoat- specifically - at public and/ or family events. It is humiliating for me. I do not wish to go grey rock or "no contact" with my other family members- who I love. Yes- some are flying monkeys for survival. I think they are secretly glad they are not the ones in the hot seat. My mother is ok - even friendly - when we are alone. I do not understand why she would create publicly embarrassing situations for me. One very helpful thing - has been to sit right beside her at the table, so I am out of her line of vision- at public gatherings. Please send suggestions for dealing with holiday or public gatherings. If I speak up-and call her on her behavior publicly- when it happens- people who are not aware- can think you are the evil one. I also do not want to make a public scene - much worse. What a mess. Please send suggestions that have helped you survive public events. Thank you for your understanding and compassion on this forum.
I suggest she not attend holiday or public gatherings at all. It's upsetting and disorienting for a dementia patient, and since you might be the only truly familiar face, that's who she goes for. If people want to visit her, have them come to her place in smaller numbers instead.
There's really no rationale for any of it, so stop trying to understand why she's doing what she does. Remove the stimulation for that behavior, and both of you will rest easier.
Consider recording some of these untoward reactions and getting her to a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment.
Just go and enjoy yourself, and if mom wants to make a scene, well that's on her not you, so quit losing sleep over something that will never change.
And of course you always have the option of leaving her home if she's that much of a problem as well. Best wishes.
I bet most of the people here don't know how to even start to treat inflammation of the brain. No, not aricept. No, not namenda. No not diazepines. No lorazepam or valium.
If you leave them to illness and inflammation instead of curing the inflammation, you are not allowing their brain to heal itself or their bodies to heal themselves whatever their conditions are. You must start by assuming not that you know the truth, but that you do NOT know the truth, and that you have a lot to learn. Humility leads to wisdom.
Is she like this in the beginning of the party? Is she sundowning? Could it be she is getting tired. My Mom lasted about an hour and then was ready to go home. She got overwhelmed with too much going on and too many people. Maybe taking Mom for a short time and then taking her home with a sitter. Then u can enjoy the rest of the party.
She got up and told everybody what he did on the way out. the next week she let me take her back saying nothing about the "battery" and we go in and then from the waiting area go into the treatment room right away. First thing he asks is how are you doing, and first thing she says is You're not going to hurt me this week like you did last week. the doctor's eyes got big and he looked at me with eyebrows raised, and I said, Doc, something about the memory and inflicted pain, she remembers what it was and who did it. that's probably going to turn out to be a pathway to use for recovery in the future. Late stage for this lady was almost a decade before. Full doses of aricept and namenda and lorazepam. with my treatment I was able to take her off lorazepam and cut the aricept by half. I never saw such a recover from Alzheimer as that. And over 95 at that.
AD is caused in great part by inflammation of the brain. don't let anybody tell you otherwise. People I help get better not worse. Proof is in the pudding.
Generaly speaking, I am a coward. I don’t like heights, or spiders (GAWK!), and snakes, (God forbid), but I cannot cower to a bully, much less stand by and silently stand witness to it. Is there no one that you can take aside?
There’s power in numbers.
Thank you for taking your time to read my post and offer your suggestions. So very much appreciated. This forum has been such a life saver/ sanity saver on many occasions.
Thanks for all the tips, thoughts & suggestions. I will let you know what works. There is lots to be said for being the "familiar" face in the crowd and sundowning/ frustration with all the activity. The person who is the ally feels like me- and does not want to make things worse. I hate to miss these gatherings since I do not see most of these friends and family often due to all of our work schedules. Yea it does hurt and I do have anxiety about people who do not know the situation. It "is"- what is is sadly. Just super painful & humiliating- even if others understand. I am very successful in other areas of my Life and this makes you feel like your 3 yo again. Very diminishing & hurtful- in public. Sitting right beside her- at a table has helped - since she is distracted by other people & I am out of her direct line of sight. Thank you all for caring & for the hope & peace we get by having a group who truly understands. Have a wonderful holiday ahead!
When it is verbal and public, it is difficult to know how to behave. It is a bit like if a toddler flung food and it hit you in the face. You have to smile through it, whilst finding the right words. Not easy.
My mother was, like your's completely nice to me when they weren't there (if a bit moany!) so when it happens part of you considers that it seems deliberate. There seems a degree of self control. I don't know what goes on in the head of people with dementia. I asked a mental health worker why it was that the mentally ill or those with dementia were unpleasant, rather than happily delusional. He said he didn't know but almost all of his clients were like that. You are not alone!
Sit well back and good luck!
I'd give my entire fortune to have her back. She is number one. Do you take her to the store and let her ride the carts? Let her do shopping? do you enjoy yourself so she can enjoy you enjoying life together or are you a nervous type that goes out afraid as a newborn kitten and everybody is suspect or do you smile at kids with your mom and point out a cute little girl to her. Women like little girls like crazy and dementia or not, they love children.
accuses me of stealing, speaks poorly of me. I've done SO much for her and it's extremely upsetting. I had to step away. My blood pressure was so high and I felt so terrible I thought I'd have a stroke.
Thankfully, three neighbors stepped in and help her. She is so sweet to them. They believe her stories about me but I can't control that. I have to take care of me. First time ever. Narcissism is very hard to deal with.
My field is psychology. It can be very complex.
I do understand about sitting next to her, and about having issues when the stranger part of the family comes around or she gets around them. We can work through that. I deeply understand how those who are most often not around can see you as guilty even while your mom is screaming at you and you have to raise your voice just to be heard, while they just go about their business and listen or watch. Many scenarios like that. It's highly likely she's really yelling at them and because you love her, most of all, she's comfortable knocking on you.
This is more common than you can imagine. Sometimes the siblings use these things to ease their own consciences.
One gal went on a 3 day cocaine binge, spending all the monty her AD mom gave her for that gal's rent. The AD mom found out. 3 days later the coke head came over and crashed on the son-caregiver's bed and went to sleep. the mom came and stood at the hallway by the son's bedroom and began yelling at the son. The son was reading a book for a business research project and a mother should be proud of him, but she was letting him have it both barrelos. Finally after the sister never comes out to help quiet the mom down, the son gets up and goes to the mom and tries to speak to her. She can't hear him because she is screaming THAT loudly. So he raises his voice loud enough for her and yells out, QUIT YELLING AT ME. IT'S CAROLE YOU'RE MAD AT FOR SPENDING TWO MONTHS RENT ON COCAINE.AND LEAVING HER DAUGHTER AT HOME BY HERSELF RUNNING AROUND WITH OSCAR THE COKE DEALER 3 DAYS.
About that time the sister barged out into the hallway yelling at the son, DON'T YOU TALK TO MY MOTHER LIKE THAT. Classic case of projection and ego defense mechanisms going off. Then the daughter still coming down from coke call APS on her brother for yelling at his mom. APS had to drop the case right away when one of the few decent ones called on them and realized what had happened, seeing the bank statements etc. and checking on the apartment's manager about the eviction notice etc.
So I won't assume in the least you are at fault.
Honestly, I'd skip the holiday gatherings and give yourself a break. The Omicron variant will be circulating amongst many families and holiday gatherings this year.
Please remember as a scapegoat you have been trained to think your feelings are unimportant , her’s reign supreme but that is completely untrue. Don’t take her. If someone else wants her there, let them take her while you stay as far away from her as possible( out of sight out of mind). You deserve freedom from abuse and bullying. They will never see her for what she is unless she pulls the same with them so don’t expect them to.
honestly the most relief I ever felt was when I permanently walked away from her because I finally understood the problem was her and I never deserved her treatment nor was I obliged to allow her to treat me the way she did. Of course she hated me for it even more but oh well, her loss. As her medical POA I did my duty but not with her around and with minimal contact. You aren’t obligated to allow it either. Don’t let her bully you, just stop the association.
and as you said:
“I never deserved her treatment”
some of us are very unjustly/meanly treated.
hugs!!
I had a friend whose mother wa a tyrant and critical. As a child, she learned to make her own happiness. As an adult, she dreaded going to mom's house as she would come home agitated and fearful. Her solution? Spend less time, and only spend time when it's quality time. She told me something I'll never forget. Know your limitations. If she tolerates mom's behavior, then she becomes resentful, which is a bad thing and affects other areas of her life which is not good for anybody. By controlling her time with mom, she can love her mother more fully.
Maybe it's time to control how often she goes out. Maybe find a way to leave her at home during a gathering, and while there, explain to everyone to forewarn them. Make that decision with them, not alone.
Also, have you been able to broach t he public subject with her when you're alone and getting alone? THere are no easy answers, but at this stage in her life, you have to look out for her, and control what's best for everybody.
People on here who criticize the writer do not know what she is going through. If Mom was a sweetheart her whole life nad became like this because of the disease, that's one thing. But personalities and who a person is is unlikely to change.
My advice to the writer, control how often you take her out. Period. If she has a problem, and this is a part of her personality, then the ball is in her ocurt. If you get along fine privately, cherish those. She won't live forever and you don't want any regrets.
This is odd behavior for her personality type b/c normally, these women treat us very poorly in private, but put on a big show in public where they behave beautifully. Strange that she acts out in an opposite fashion. But I firmly believe these types of women have mental illnesses of some kind, so trying to figure out WHAT kind is a waste of time. Mental illness presents itself in a variety of odd ways, that's for sure.
Wishing you the best of luck setting down some boundaries with your mother and then sticking to them, like glue. You're entitled to DO that, you know! You have a right to be shown respect!
Her being in public increases her exposure as well,
Sorry, original poster, I have no advice. As the scapegoat child, I had to go no contact with both my mother and her flying monkeys (my siblings). Though she still attacks me in painful ways by phone and email, I'm not in the public situations anymore. Is the love you are getting worth the damage from the narcissism?
I hope other's don't join in with Mom. If that is the case I think I would not attend, or attend briefly, ask for a doggie bag, and just apologize all over myself as I exit with "Oh, I just am going to HAVE to address these headaches in the new year; they are ruining ALL of my fun".
To be frank, there isn't much to do to change others. It is our own responses we have to change or just remove ourselves from the situations, which always gets my vote.
Just change the subject. Ask Mom to repeat herself seven times. Make her shout out her abuse until others are twice as embarrassed as you are, then knock your head and say "I got water in my ear in the tub and I just can't hear a THING; wouldn't you know it would happen at the weekend. Anyone know a good cure"? Start collecting your cute sayings now, and by the time you get there, fortified with a fine glass of dry white, you will be ready. Or, heck, take note cards with the stuff on them. Pull out the cards and give your random response such as "Did everyone know that the SIXTH and FINAL season of This is Us starts January 4th???? I can't WAIT. I am so addicted!" Put the note cards back in your lap and wait.
THIS COULD BE FUN!!!!!!
Once my normally so sweet and kind Mom had at me when the conversation went South in this manner:
Mom: We need to get ready to go now.
Me: OK, but I have to go pee first.
Mom: I HATE that expression.
Me: Yes, but nevertheless, I should go pee first.
Dad: Great laughter at the lunch table.
When you've just got to get them, humor works best.
My answer to this is that two wrongs don't make a right and making a spectacle out of someone this way is never the right solution.
I will tell you how everyone, including yourself should handle it.
When outbursts, instigating, or attacking of you starts, everyone should completely ignore her. Do not validate anything she says or give her a moment of attention. They should just carry on as if she wasn't even there. If she gets too rambunctious the family member hosting the event needs to tell her plainly that you did not do anything wrong and that her behavior will not be tolerated in their home. This will shut her up.
If she's fine with you when you're alone, her dementia isn't as advanced as maybe you think. What she does to you in front of everyone is a performance. She wants the attention that comes from playing to an audience. Your family needs to make it very plain to her that they are not interested in seeing that show. Then ignore her.
Trust me, your mother will pipe down if she's put in her place by anyone but you.
My mother can get downright abusive if anything happens that she disagrees with, especially when discussing politics. It’s almost frightening. I’ve learned the hard way not to engage with her when these outbursts occur. I try to change the subject or I ignore her and remain silent. When we are alone and she starts in, I walk away Speaking up and calling her out on her behavior only enrages her further. This has been a lifelong habit that has only gotten worse as she ages. This type of behavior has only lost her many friendships. My mothers caregiver has been very helpful with advice in dealing my mother. Remember you will never win with a narcissistic person. You’ll only become more hurt and frustrated.
No amount of attention is enough for a narcissistic person. They are incapable of validating someone else's feelings or accepting that they themselves could be wrong. Dementia only exasperates the narcissistic behavior if a person was this way before dementia.
Someone in this group (and for the life of me I wish I remembered who it was) coined a perfect phrase that describes so many elders who behave like the poster's mother.
Senior Brats. We all know one. A senior brat should be dealt with exactly the same as a child brat. When they start acting up and throwing a tantrum, you ignore them. I've always reacted this way and that's probably why I was so good at elderly caregiving when I did it for work.
No client has ever gotten a rise out of me which is often what is wanted. Someone to fight with. Someone to be a target for their anger, frustration, and boredom. Dementia or not, I've never tolerated abuse from a client.
You are right about speaking up and calling out the behavior often makes it worse. By doing so, it opens a dialogue and paves the way for a fight which is often what the elder wants.
I find that when the berating and verbal abuse start it's best to just walk away. I've often had to add a 'Shut up. Nobody cares what you think' to the ignoring and normally it works for me.