I'm an only child adult daughter, 59 years old. My father died 33 years ago. Ive been helping my mom from 68 years old to current in different capacities. My mom today is 100 years old and 5 months. Currently she is at a SNF that is 7 minutes from my residence and 5 minutes from my work. She was 97 years old when she could no longer live in her home. During this time I had her living with me and my husband, taking her to the ER, hospitals, rehabs, PT, OT, AL and now SNF with hospice. I work and visit my mom 3 days a week, and call her every morning on my way to work and when I leave work going home. My husband visits her on a Wednesday.
I initiated hospice for her 3 weeks ago. My mom is wheelchair bound, needs a hoyer to move her from the chair and bed and visa versa. She is terrified of the hoyer. I tried to see if there was another way with a Broda wheel chair but the SNF wants to use for safety. My mom is brief dependent, her speech and use of words, sentence structure is becoming more complicated, she is not able to complete any ADL and needs help with almost everything. The only task she can do is feed herself however in the past week she needs assistance and is eating less than 25% of each meal. I noticed when my mom started to be hoyer moved and brief dependent she stopped smiling.
My mom is my last parent and my last family member. I've been helping my mom since she moved from her home on December 15, 2023. I sold her home in 2024 while she was living with me. It was very difficult but needed to be done. As the home became a skeleton of my childhood memories and everything my parents saved for I learned that things do not matter in life. This December 15th it will be 3 years and while I love my mom and glad I can see her I also want her to have a quality of life. She doesn't do anything anymore. I'm thankful she knows who I am and can reminisce about the old days of her life. I feel the best time is morning, even though that window is moving away with advanced dementia moving in. The staff puts her in bed in the afternoon as she sleeps until they wake her and get ready for dinner. I've seen my mom scream as she being moved in the hoyer but seems better but she still doesn't like it.
Today I called a funeral and cremation business as with my mom not eating I want to prepare for what will be inevitable. It was very difficulty to keep myself emotional and I cried. The funeral director was very nice and will help me.
My husband is also supporting his mother with dementia who is still in her home and has a care team to support and 3 other siblings to help duering the evening. Last January he was diagnosed with dMMR colon cancer and had 15 inches of colon removed. He just completed 12 rounds of immunotherapy thru a port. He is doing well and will continue with injections in the thigh until late February 2027.
I have a grief counselor I speak with every other Monday. I don't know if you are religious but I feel that I have been guided with when to do this and what services or providers to pull in. Up to this point everything has been very organized and with next steps. I feel grateful for this as this type of care giving can be extremely isolating especially when you have no family. Most people are not able to go this type of distance with observing a 100 year old mom decline very slowly. I never want to go this way. My mom was an avid walker as I am too. However you need to take care of your body so you can function and will do so with strength training, cardio, meditation and eat well. That's what my mom did.
These experieces are difficult. My husband is well but our mom's are both in different stages of dementia. During my life my mom was difficult with me sometimes however I will love her and take care of her and continue to see her. I will do this because I am who I am and can't see someone else struggle.
Has anyone here been in a similar situation with a parent past 100 years old in this type of decline?
When the staff is putting her in the Hoyer sling and attaching it, then raising her are they talking to her, telling her what they are going to do?
Talking to her, explaining does not take any longer, what it does it prevent the 2 staff members from chatting with each other. But what it will do for mom is let her anticipate what will happen next. Even with the dementia I told my Husband what I was going to do and what would happen. I did this with everything from putting the sling on, raising him, when I showered him I told him when he would get wet, where he would get wet and so on.
If she is experiencing any pain they can "pre medicate" her so she will be more comfortable and less anxious. Premedicating is pretty common when it comes to things like that.
Now....You and your mom.
My gosh she is 100+ God bless her.
I have no idea what it would be like to see a parent age and go through the things that many on this site have experienced. My Mom died about 61 years ago, my Dad about 57 years so I have not had to deal with many struggles others have.
But I do know anticipatory grief watching my Husband decline for 12, 13 years with Dementia.. It is difficult and I can tell you no amount of preparation will dull that hurt when the journey ends.
Telling your mom that you will be alright will help her and it will help you. It will affirm that she has raised an independent person. She has taught you well.
Take advantage of the help and support that Hospice can be, the Social Worker, the Chaplain are there for you as well.
I know it is sad for you to see her decline, but it is natural and inevitable.
It makes me uncomfortable that she is so scared of the hoyer lift. Is she too heavy for two people to assist her from bed to chair? I would ask the Nurse in Charge at the SNF if they can use a two-person assist for transfers, and if they can not, maybe it's time to stop getting mom out of bed. She may be more comfortable to remain bedbound. Then, it will be routine diaper changes in bed, and someone to bring food in to her. If you present this option to her, she may be willing to go through the discomfort of the hoyer lift to get out of bed.
You are doing a wonderful job.
To live to 100 is amazing. I personally cannot stand to watch someone suffer. I did with my second husband I adored, and it was the hardest thing I ever did. Just 25 years later, I can be washing dishes and hear a song come on TV that is a distinct reminder of him, and stop and start sobbing.
You are brave and have a loving heart. I wish you peace on this journey.
She is lucky to have you as her daughter.