Some asked for an update on my post…
What do you think? Should I go on the trip?
When my parents moved up near me I started a habit of calling them every day. Pretty much “Hey there how ya doing?” kind of thing. They were up here for about a month then went back to their other home in FL. Kept up the habit. Last week when everything went down regarding my original post I got ghosted by my Dad.
Today I left a message saying that I know he is upset and that I am taking it as he doesn’t want to speak with me so I will give him some space and am ready when he is ready to talk.
He texted me back saying this…
”I am not mad, just broken hearted. I don’t think this can ever be fixed so from this point on please don’t try to contact us anymore. If anything happens to your mom I will let you know. I’m sure if something happens to me she will do the same.”
Feel like I have lost my Dad before I lose my Dad.
My Dad admitted he was being selfish and that he was wrong to be so angry. He said it was tearing him apart to have this between us and that he was sorry.
He said he just wanted it to be done and water under the bridge.
I told him I did not like it either and That we are good but that we have some stuff to workout. We don’t have to talk about it now but there is some rebuilding we have to do in our relationship. Even as angry as I was I never stopped telling him I loved him but I get to set boundaries and I get to live my life and any help I decide to give has to be on my terms.
He thinks he may permanently move near me.
I believe he was sincere and that he is ashamed and wants things to be different.
I will make sure he realizes that things have to be different moving forward and over time we can figure that out as we heal.
I am guarded though. Not gonna act like it is all sunshine and rainbows. But for now I think we can at least continue to communicate and focus on the most important thing…what is best for my Mom.
I forgive him
I will not hold it over his head but I will remember so that if it happens again I will call him out on it and maintain firm boundaries.
Bottom line - I still tell myself and now friends who have aging parents this: It is your job to ensure that your parents are cared for. That does NOT translate to "it is your job to care for your parents." Your job is to live your life to the best of your ability - just like your parents did! Our parents do not understand the burden they are putting on their children because most likely their parents did not live to the ripe old ages of 80+, so they did not have to go through it.
I have vowed not to burden my children like this and have put the necessary legal docs in place so hopefully they have a better experience with their dad and I when/if the time comes.
So...go on your vacation. Make your memories. And let your dad know that if he thinks he needs help, there are professionals who are trained to help better than you or he ever could. Good luck and I feel your pain.