a Family member is in assisted living and pays a small rent. They have two pensions which would pay bills and have some left over. I’ve discovered this week that he hasn’t paid his rent for four months in his accommodation and his electric and phone has came back unpaid. He came into money last year of a few thousand but the next week it was gone. He said he loaned it to someone down on their luck and they haven’t paid him back. I get that happens but what I don’t get is how he is overdrawn and not able to pay his bills. I think he is gambling but is he owing money to people too? I’m stuck at how to help when he won’t talk about it and just says he will fix it. He’s 77
Just a suggestion, do not bring him into your home. You will inherit all his problems and not be able to get rid of him.
This came to me the other day:
I'm here to help people find a way, not to be the way.
From what you've written he does probably have memory decline, that is why he "won't talk about it" -- because he can't, he doesn't remember and won't/can't admit he can't remember. The story about lending money to someone may or may not be true. Elders with memory issues will often tell you a story that they believe sincerely but never happened. You must relay what you know to social services so that he gets tested and has an actual diagnosis (if he has cognitive decline/memory impairment). This is very important. He may be beyond being legally able to assign a PoA. If I were in your shoes I would pursue this and help him until there's a medical diagnosis and then you can make a decision to pursue legal guardianship or not (if he's no longer able or still not willing to assign you or anyone as PoA).
The irony of that statement. Does he imagine that when he is not of sound mind that his signing a POA will be valid or that he will know when he is not of sound mind? Sigh
I am sorry that you are unable to help your uncle.
My friends sister has had a gambling problem for years and doesn’t seem to grasp that it has ruined her financially. she is much more interested in arranging things for more funds to be freed up as she strongly believes she will “win”.
Addicts are focused on the one thing. Regardless, it will play out eventually. Good that he isn’t pressing you for money to cover his loses.
If you want, you could spell out for him what is likely to happen. Leave yourself out of any options. You can keep a totally social relationship if you want. Just talk about the past, or your hobbies, NOT his finances, bills or living arrangements.
You could leave him with phone numbers of an elder advice service, a social worker service or perhaps the AL manager's name & number? Giving him an opportunity to seek help on his own.
You could chat to the AL Manager yourself (not being too specific to maintain his privacy) but to voice your concerns over his judgement & ask if they had any concerns with his health, behaviour or mental capacity?
Unless your Uncle asks you to help.. or gives you permission/legal ability to get involved with his finances, you can't actually do much more than that. The ball is in your Uncle's court so to speak.
A Social Worker once told me;
1. advice the person of your concerns, known risks & where to seek help.
2. Let them decide on a course of action.
3. The consequences are theirs.
At some time in the future, IF your Uncle asks for your help, you can decide on your ability to do so & in what capacity.
I doubt that you will be contacted regarding this; the facility will likely contact his next of kin if there is one. But in many cases there is no immediate family.
It is very unusual to pay "a small rent" in an assisted living. There may be a lot that you don't understand here, and in fact your uncle may already be paying his Social Security checks toward his living expenses and may be on medicaid you aren't aware of. Hard to say.
Has someone contacted you regarding all of this? Has someone asked you to take an action? Has your uncle been asked to leave his facility?
The answer to this may affect responses that you get.