When we visit my husband in dementia care facllity he immediately asks "When can I go home" Or, I want to go with you and stay at your house.
We try to divert but this works only for 2 min and he asks again and again. And we go in this circle until we are worn out and have to leave.
My question is: Are we using the wrong type of diversion? We have also tried to explain that he needs "special" care which only the people here can give you.
Or the dr said you must stay here for awhile His reply is I have never seen a dr. there is no dr here. (The dr sees him once a week)
Any help from anyone who has gone through this?
We also found that if we took her out for a few hours, lunch or to get ice cream or just a drive, that made her feel better. But once we pulled back up in front of the memory care place she always wants to know what we are doing here and we would explain (again) that this was her apartment she was staying in until the doctor clears her. She would say I don't have an apartment here and we would say "yes mom you do, would you like to see it"? and she would happily go in, just to have a look. Once she was back in everyone greeted her and made a fuss over her, she felt comfortable, "everyone is so nice" she would say. When it was time to go, sometimes it was easy, we would say we have to go run an errand or go to work and we will be back later to see her. Other times not so easy, we had to get her distracted with the help of the aids and sneak out. Sometimes we left and felt like our hearts had been ripped out, but knew we had made the right decision, other times once we got in the car, my husband and I would look at each other and say" Hmmm, that was easy" Each time is different, but I will say that it has been 4 months in memory care and she has slowly adjusted, even though she still talks about going home and still packs up her stuff. She was in assisted living for 6 months before and that was a nightmare, but the memory care has been much better. She is also better taken care of. I think about her every moment I am not with her, wondering whether I have have done the right thing, feeling guilty that she can't live in her own home, or have the freedom to go and do the simplest thing that we all take for granted, but the sad reality is that she is sick and I can't fix her. I can only love her and make sure she has the best care.
During his visit, his mind kept telling him he needed to "do" things.. like he was trying to tell himself that everything was the way it used to be.. he was trying to figure out what errands he needed to run, he need to fix a plumbing problem.. and then we found a copperhead on his property that he wanted to protect us from. :-(
In hindsight, I absolutely should have listened to them. All it did is disorient him. After he returned from his visit, he was totally lost. He never quite recovered from that visit.
If your dad is in a familiar environment now, (IMHO and experience) Let him enjoy the grounding he still has.
Another option is the "What is wrong with your shoe?", or "How do I change the channel with this clicker?", or "What kind of flowers are on that dress she is wearing?"
And.. you can always explorer his "hope". "What is the first thing you will do when you go home?", "I might be able to work something out for you, give me a few days to see what I can do.", "Let me talk to your doctor and see if I can get him on board."
These are all things that worked for me. Nothing works all the time, that is why I go back to the first suggestion.. plan your visits with an out.
Good luck and hang on for the ride. You are not alone. :-)
Keep us up to date when you can,
Carol
KEEP VISITS SHORT.
After I have been with my mom for 30 minutes, she has no idea how long I have been there. I do stay longer mostly but my mom no longer asks this question. She just asks different questions repeatedly, and I try to answer as if it were the first time.
But I can only keep that up for so long. I kiss her and tell her I will see her tomorrow.
How long are you staying?
I found the analogy of the musician with a broken instrument so helpful.
I will retune my ears to the new music my BIL plays even as I grieve for the old tunes. As the strings continue to snap I will try to reach him with new tunes mixed with the old.
Remembering with joy that the heartbreak is all mine, he does not truly comprehend what is lost and what he is losing that's my job. As long as he feels safe and happy that is what matters. Living in this moment only no past, no future just now!
It is exhausting but I'm finding it easier for us both when I'm with him to enter his world rather than try to get him into ours. I do talk about things/people he knows and if he's happy to respond I build on that until he wonders. He knows for instance that he has 2 cats and I tell him little bits about them often repeating that they are fine. If he asks to come home with me, my answer is ok but first I need a cup of tea, toilet, rest why don't you have a little sleep first.
It's hard work and I don't know if he'll get over this bump and return to his home with support or end up in a nursing home. I'm sad and scared but as he still maintains 100% faith in my ability to do any/every thing I have to put on a brave face and cry when I'm alone (a lot of the time).
My empathy is with all on this journey.