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im very sorry that you are going though this. You seem like a very devoted husband.
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She is on Hospice.

To very loosely paraphrase a ee cummings poem

The tears come
On little cats feet
Fill your eyes
And then move on
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againx100 Jun 2019
I'm a little confused that she's just moved into AL and is also being evaluated by hospice. I guess her condition is more deteriorated than I had guessed at first.

Sounds like the best choice for both of you.
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I'm both sorry and relieved. I don't know how old you are, but clearly you did your best for as long as you could. Would you want to consider hospice? ANd if you want no doubt you can visit and stay with her as much as you wish. Keeping you in thought...
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pepperpatti55 Jun 2019
why are you pushing hospice? She just got in AL for pete's sake.
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You are an exceptionally strong man to be able to grieve the loss, yet celebrate what you have been able to do; you have gone on to almost the end, and now you will have help in facing the end. So many let guilt over their own humanity level them, and it is such a shame, because no one on this forum is here because they chose to abandon a loved one. Everyone here is struggling, some mightily. I wish you so much luck, and your wife so much peace. I always admired my Mom and Dad's strength at the end, and their lack of guilt. The greatest love story I ever knew, they did not torment themselves. They knew what they were to one another. It was not important to them what the rest of the world thought about their lives. You KNOW what you have done and what you have been to your lovely wife. I am so glad that you do.
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That was the most loving thing you could do. I'm so glad you could recognize when you could no longer provide for her needs. My father refused to acknowledge that moment with my mother which led to her death which was not at all what he had intended. Sometimes making a loving decision is really hard.

You truly love your wife.
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Qnmpxl,
I understand that you love your sweet wife by how your words conveyed it all.

You have a friend who knows in Old Sailor.

Keep trying, and when it gets hard, come here to vent.
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You can now be her Husband first not her caregiver.
You can spend time with her and not have to worry about changing her, doing the third load of laundry in the same day. You can enjoy a lunch or dinner with her that someone else makes you can relax. My Husband was at Adult Day Care in a Memory Care wing of a facility and they would take some for lunch on Fridays. I would look at the schedule and figure out what places he would like and I would go with them. I would help him as well as others on and off the van. It was an enjoyable afternoon. Plus I had extra help if I needed help with him.

And for me safety was my breaking point. I always said if it was no longer safe for him or if it was un safe for me I would have to place him. Thankfully it never came to that but that was my yardstick for care at home or having to place him.
You did the right thing.
And you are doing the right thing by contacting Hospice.

I told myself every night that I did the best that I could that day and if I did the best I could sleep well knowing that. So sleep well, you did the best you could and you continue to do your best by providing safe care.
(((hugs)))
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qmnpxl, you definitely made the right decision for you and for your wife.
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I send you both loving prayers of comfort and mercy.
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I'm sorry. I know you are grieving what should have been. You are dealing well with the hand you have been given, though. I placed my mom in AL - best decision ever! She loved it there and thrived. I knew she was well cared for and happy. That gave me peace.
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qmnpxl, I know exactly what you went thru. I was at that point with Luz, my DW. Unfortunately the disease and the things that went with it was faster than I thought.
I did not have the opportunity put her into a care facility. I had to put her into hospice where she survived for less than a week.
The tears just came everytime I looked at her or thought about her. they still come every now and then.
I was hurting myself lifting her to dress her or clean her. She slept on the couch at home for the last week here.
It tore me up to think I could no longer care for her by myself. I did what I thought was best for her.
You have done exactly what you should have done. You showed your world that you loved her as much as I love Luz,maybe more.
Visit her often and hold her. I feel that she will understand even if she cannot show it.
God Bless you, Brother.
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Hugs! You are a gem of a gentleman.

I am sorry for your loss and I pray that you continue to have peace and that the facility is wonderful to your wife.

Hopefully they have good food and you can enjoy someone taking care of you a bit while you continue to love your wife.
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qmnpxl - you're a good man. You went above and beyond keeping your vows. Your wife is a lucky woman. Now, you can take a breather and take care of your own health. Then you can visit her as often and as long as you want. The heavy lifting will be done by AL staff.
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I know how to care for the needs you have dealing with this and know how to care for your lovely wife I have 20 years experence and would be blessed to help you through.
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You did what you knew was right and the best thing for your wife and for yourself.

I am just so sorry that you had to go through all this and I am sorry about your wife.


Hugs!!
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I'm so sorry, such a tiring and emotional day. You sound like you are at peace with the fact that you've done all you could, and it certainly sounds like you did. What a lucky lady you have! She is in excellent hands and now you can concentrate on the important tasks of just loving her, saying goodbye. My heart is with you.
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TooStressed Jun 2019
She definitely has a loving husband :)

Sending my love his way!
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