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We were never married, I have no legal standing. Three adults children live within 10 miles, I live 50 miles away. Two of them completely ignore their father and the situation. One daughter, she’s the youngest, has 2 young children and she’s a single mom, works full time, and has too much on her plate. She brings food and tries to help as she is able.


This is a highly disfunctional family. Addiction has been a part of their lives, always...in periods of sobriety and active addiction.


He abused his prescribed pain meds for years. Had a stroke earlier this year and was kicked out of pain management and his meds cut off shortly after. Bought pills in the street for a while, then methadone, and now is doing heroin.


Has many legitimate pain issues but also a long history of addiction and at this point no Dr will prescribe any pain meds


He's also addicted to benzo, same thing, no longer gets a prescription so buys them illegally.


He truly is a danger to himself and others, and I’m ready to call APS.


BIG Question: if they come and see illegal drugs, paraphernalia, can this result in arrest? I want them to see it so I don’t have to tell them, but I don’t want him to add legal problems to an already overwhelming situation.


Can’t see how jail would help. He’s 71 with multiple physical problems and early dementia. Addiction aside, he’s in poor health to start with and needs help.


Can't get home healthcare cause no Medicaid but can’t afford private pay.


Any other suggestions?


He is not willing or cooperative to do anything as far as treatment. He is only interested in finding a Dr to give him his scripts back (oxy and Valium) Lives alone. Dirty, no food, still driving but I see new dents every time I come


The kids aren’t doing anything. I have tried speaking with them but it goes nowhere, no one is doing anything.


I don’t want to see him die in this state. How to restore dignity?


I can't be in this environment. No one can, it’s incredibly unhealthy in so many ways.


Can I help get him help?

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It is his problem, not yours, he makes the choice to use and it is his choice to seek recovery, there is nothing you can do to help him.

As for his children, I certainly can understand their attitude, why should they help him if he won't help himself?

If he can find drugs he can find a recovery plan, the ball is in his court.

I would walk away and go about the business of living your life, go no contact.
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I think you should seriously consider refocusing your concern on yourself.    While it's sad that your friend is addicted, it appears as though his addiction is at the level of needing medical intervention, not anything you or the family could tackle.   And if he won't get help, he'll either decline or end up incarcerated, neither of which are good options.

Have you seriously evaluated whether it's safe for you to continue a relationship?  I realize that it's not easy to leave, or feel as if you've abandoned him, but would that really be the case?  

If he doesn't listen to you, what role do you play in his life?   Do you want to be involved in any legal or police action if/when he does become involved with the police?

And do you want any contact whatsoever with his suppliers, and/or whatever negatives they bring with them?

It's time to think of yourself; sadly, there's not much you can do for your friend, and it'll only drag you down to feel responsible for him.
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What do you expect his kids to do? You must realize.....they have no legal standing either. They can’t force him to do anything. He’s a drug addict, he is the one who has to help himself. If he won’t help himself then nothing is going to change. If you call APS and they see his drugs, they will report it to the police but that doesn’t mean he will be thrown in jail. Considering his age and health problems, the police if called, will probably write him a citation & he’ll have to go to court so yes calling APS could cause legal problems for your ex. APS won’t just find him a mental health facility either, that’s not how it works. He needs drug rehab not a mental health facility. They cannot force him to go in to treatment, only the court can do that.
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Ahmijoy Oct 2019
I think the end result of this, and the one that OP is looking for, would be getting this man’s drug use out in the open. Whether it’s orchestrated by the courts or APS, his addiction would be out there. He’d be on someone’s radar at least. It may be that OP is looking for a way to clear their conscience. But, after thinking on it, I wonder if, being so far away from him, it would just be better for OP to be done with the situation.
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You can't make the family take care of their dad.

Not sure how or if you should be involved with getting him the help he needs. Might start a $hit storm with his kids? Do you have contact with any of them? Or do you know who his doctor is and could make a call to their office to see how to get the ball rolling?
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I doubt seriously that APS would come in and insist he be arrested. They will recognize that he is mentally ill and incarceration would prove no point. They will concentrate on his welfare and not his dysfunctional family. The drug dealers he buys from will disappear back into the sewers they came from. They will find him placement in a mental health facility and try to get him sober. He should be permanently placed.
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Isnt he on Medicare? Why no Medicaid?
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