So, they've both reached 90. She has severe dementia, and mobility issues. Not taking care of herself, barely anyway. She's been told by numerous doctors that she either needs 24/7 care or to move to a facility. Dad has mobility issues, cannot hear, and is beginning his own decline mentally. They've gone as far as they can with the PCA's, visiting nurses, help from family and neighbors, stairlift, Medalert, meals on wheels etc. But now it's time to go. The house is unsafe, my mom yells at the nurses because she's jealous they're going to fool around with my dad (hence no more in-home nurses for us!). Dad's going to a brothers house and mom's going to a facilty. We're investigating all our different options and he as renovated his house for them. We've been talking about this gently for a while now, gradually getting more insistent but now we have essentially created a deadline for which we will move them. We've tried to spell it out as simply and kindly as possible numerous times in various ways and tried to present them with various options to help them feel in control. Mom's mad and confused and he's sort of accepting but is beginning to talk about reasons why he can't go, so we think he will outright refuse when the day comes or at least continue to stall and procrastinate. They most certainly will not pack their own belongings or make their own preparations. We will have to do that. Neither one of them will be driving out, will have to ride with us and she will get medical transport. So how's this going to work? Our resolve is strong because it's all become a logistical nightmare and the whole situation is so unsafe for them and we have professional backing to move them out. It's going to be really difficult when the time comes next month, I know it.
1 - Start by streamlining their home to bare essentials. Empty guest rooms, storage closets, extras of anything. Streamline the kitchen to 1-2 pots, 1-2 pans, 2 sets of dishes to eat off of...
2 - Streamline their clothing to about 2-3 weeks' worth of everyday clothes and 1-2 nice outfits for seasonal outings (some for spring/summer and some for winter/fall). Donate the rest and get those tax receipts for mom and dad.
3 - Create a calendar with count down to move on it. Put it on their refrigerator and mark off days. Place pictures of the place(s) they are going next to the calendar.
4 - Start moving things they will need into the new place(s) or into storage or trunk of care EARLY. Every time something gets stowed, it is a reminder that their is a move coming.
5 - On move day, handle outbursts and hesitations matter-of-factly and steel your emotions. Put everything that needs to be moved into vehicles first. Place your parents in last.
6 - Respect the facility(ies) guidelines about settling in. Most facilities require2 weeks of COVID quarantine when visitors are not allowed. Afterwards, expect "distanced" visits via phone, window, or porch with no physical contact allowed.
Question: Why don't you have mom and dad moving together into the same facility. They will be happier being together and settle in sooner into the facility's routines. I have known of many married couples that share a room in long term care.
hope they are ok and the decisions that are made for them..no right or wrong... make sure family visits them often.
make sure they know they are not alone.. visit often, laugh talk, smile. read to them... play music eat fun food.
If at all possible, try to keep them in same facility..
find a place close to a family member, at least someone can visit.
get them involved in community as much as possible.