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My dad has had a long-standing mental illness, which has gotten worse with age. It's characterized by an obsessive need for attention, praise and pity. He's very good at manipulating people-- he's an extreme narcissist and also very good at hiding his mental illness from non-family members. When my mom became demented, my dad executed the successor part of my mom's medical power of attorney(POA) and asked me, the successor, to assume the role of her medical POA. This included interacting with caregiving staff and making sure that her care and medical needs were being met, mainly long distance via phone sinceI live 1200 miles away, so had to do the POA and be a liaison long distance. My dad refuses to help out, even though he lives in an independent facility near my mom. His and my interactions are mainly via phone. I've tried to be patient and understanding with him, never threatening him and always trying to be supportive of him, understanding, and encouraging. However, when legal authorities, who were investigating alleged abuse of my demented mother by her care manager, went to talk with my dad, he made the conversation all about himself in order to gain the authorities' pity. He made false statements about me, portraying me as a meddler into his finances and affairs and also portrayed me as an elder abuser of himself, none of which has any merit. Refusing to listen to my side of the story or to take the time to verify my elderly dad's statements or verify his mental status, an assistant attorney general threatened me with criminal prosecution for taking on the role of medical POA after my dad falsely claimed that I had coerced him into handing it over to me. Furthermore, she accused me of meddling into his affairs and strongly implied that I was mentally abusing him. As a result, I had to hire an attorney who strongly advised me to sever communications with my dad because, now that he's crossed the line by making these false claims, he'll continue to cross the line and tell his facility staff and/or others that I'm meddling and mentally abusing him. He had already done similar with someone else once before. My attorney warned me that if I say anything to my dad that even remotely smells like meddling or mental abuse, he could very well report it to facility staff who, by law would have to report it. Authorities would then once again believe him and not listen to me, and I would again be accused and threatened. So, I've pretty much detached from my dad, limiting communications with him to writing and keeping to very neutral topics, with no phone calls because there would be no witnesses to our phone conversations. He's now telling people that he has disowned me, and has taken steps to write me out of his will. Given his ability to manipulate, everyone believes him to be totally mentally with it and believes everything he says. Am I right to protect myself from him and his mental illness by detaching in this way and only limiting communications to writing? The assistant attorney general is very arrogant and cannot be reasoned with and refused to listen to my side,and strongly implied that I'm a liar when I tried to explain my side of the story. To her, I'm guilty before being proven innocent instead of vice versa. What are my other choices? After an initial phone call to my dad right after the threats and accusations were made to me, I told him about the threats and accusations and that they were a result of his statements. In subsequent notes, I've only mentioned it at a high level without directly accusing him for fear that he'll report me to his facility staff who will be required by law to report me. Legal authorities have no jurisdiction over me given that I live out of state. But, my attorney told me that they can make my life difficult, my legal costs to prove myself innocent could go sky high, and in the worst case, if I went to visit my dad and am in their jurisdiction, I could be arrested on the basis of his false claims. Given how disrespectfully my dad has treated me over the past 6 or more years and given his betrayal, I've decided to draw the line and set these boundaries with him. But, should those boundaries be to totally stay away from him given the situation? I'm conflicted because he's an old man with no other family but me (he has a good support system in his city to watch over him) and maybe I should be there for him. But at the same time, his total disrespect and betrayal and putting me in an untenable position with legal authorities is intolerable and unconscionable. If I reattach with him, I risk being pulled into his mental illness and manipulation and being retraumatized by a corrupt legal system in his state. Am I wrong to remain detached from him, continue to limit contact to only written communication where the topics are very neutral, and not even visit or phone him?

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Rovana: re: your 2nd comment about conciliation: I didn't take it that you were implying that anyone should be taken in by manipulation, insincerity, etc.
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Rovana: Re: silence: well said. As you stated, arguments don't work too well when it's just one side arguing and the other side not responding, and is a powerful way to let the other party know that you're not interested in engaging with them. In terms of manipulation: It takes a lot of self-restraint/self control to remain silent and not react to the manipulation no matter how persistent the other person is. I look at it as putting on a suit of armor and letting the manipulation slide right off. Re: your comment about peons: I think that if the situation dictates it, it's not rude to not answer to them. In fact, I think the same holds true for those in positions of power above us. Just because someone is in a position of power,I think that there's no obligation to respond to or talk to them. That's the tack I took last year when I started receiving calls from the AG's office in my parents' city, apparently wanting to know which way I was going to testify in my mom's care manager's hearing. I felt I owed the AAG nothing given that she had refused to listen to my side of the story. My thought was, Now, all of a sudden she's interested in hearing what I have to say when it's for her benefit? No way I was doing that! After the 6th phone call (that AG's office kept calling me on both my land line and cellphone), I turned the matter over to my attorney who ordered them to stop calling me, and told the AAG she spoke with exactly what the other AAG had done. I think that even if an authority presented you with a warrant, you have the right to remain silent and could plead the 5th, along with your right to have an atty present.
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rr4terps - thanks for your comment on reconciliation. I surely agree with you - I did not mean to imply that anyone should be taken in by manipulation, etc. I would never consider your dad as being sincere - much too much evidence to the contrary. With this kind of back story I'd be very suspicious.
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Yes!! Silence. Toss the conversational ball right back in their court. By refusing to explain, justify, etc. you in effect say I'm in charge and I am not going to engage in this conversation. I've found this very good because it does not leave any "wedge" to manipulate. They can hardly argue with you when you refuse to respond. Just silence. Actually, the person in charge does not have to answer to the peons, which is rude I know, but sometimes a justified power maneuver.
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Palmtrees1: I noticed I have several typos in my above post and you probably already got the gist despite those types. But one statement I want to correct is this one in the last paragraph: "For your own self-respect, dignity, and integrity, don't allow yourself to be treated with this type of respect." I meant to say this type of "disrespect", instead of respect.
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Palmtrees1: It sounds like you're in a no-win situation between your mom lying and making slanderous remarks about you and her playing favorites with your brother. I would have to go with a question along the same lines as one that Rovana posed in one of her earlier posts: Why would you want to have anything to do with this nasty old lady? In my opinion, even if your mom is currently making her slanderous remarks and telling lies about you only to family members, neighbors or others who know both your mom and you and readily see through her and her statements for what they are, it's just a matter of time before she gets it into her head that you've done something terribly wrong to her and reports you to authorities or someone whose position requires them to report you to authorities. Given your no-win situation, I think you're smart to stay far away from your mom and let your brother completely take over her care and take responsibility for her. Step away and wash your hands of it all. As someone in an earlier post stated in regards to my dad, even if your mom apologized and promised to stop slandering and lying and you once again re-attached with her, it's likely that she'd start up again--- i.e., her promises would have been insincere and only for the purpose of manipulating and misleading you into re-attaching with her. This just isn't worth the potential risk to you. You're fortunate that you have a sibling who can completely take over responsibility for your mom's care. I haven't been as fortunate because my only sibling, a sister, who lived in the same city as my parents, passed away 22 years ago, at which time my parents updated their estate plan to name me as each of their successor POAs. Had my sister still been alive, and given that she lived in close proximity to my parents, she would have been right there to see and verify what was going on and to deal with it, instead of my having to do it from 1200 miles away and having to depend on the word of others. Also, had my sister still been alive and by virtue of her living in the same city as my parents, I doubt that any of the alleged abuse and other stuff would have happened because she would have assumed the duties as my mom's care manager without us having to use a middleman, as was necessary because I live 1200 miles away and because my dad refused to have my parents move to where I live when I suggested and encouraged it. My sister also would have been able to directly verify with her own eyes on an almost daily basis what my dad was doing (I only witnessed and could verify these things during visits to my parents and not on a daily basis). And while I highly doubt that my dad would have pulled the same crap on my sister as he has on me, my husband disagrees. He feels that whether or not there was a situation of alleged abuse on my mom, because my sister would have confronted my dad much more regularly and strongly than I could have, causing him to become very angry at her, he would have also slandered and lied about my sister and reported her to either authorities or people at his facility who, by law, have to report this stuff to authorities. In addition to you, other people posting to this thread who live in close proximity to their parent/parents have stated that their parents have pulled similar types of things on them. So, maybe my husband is right and it doesn't matter how far or close you live to your elderly parents.

If your mom asks why you have detached from her, you also need to be very, very careful of how you state it to either her or to your brother (and maybe others ) so it's not construed as a threat, accusation, intimidation, etc, etc. . There were many times in the few months after my mom's death where I wanted to tell my dad exactly why I was limiting communications to writing. He already knew that his statements to authorities were the reasons for the AAG's threats and accusations. But, given the precarious situation my dad has placed me in with that state's legal system, I couldn't find (and even now still haven't found) a way to state it such that it wouldn't come off as an accusation and cause him to report that I'm intimidating and scaring him. When I received an email from one of his associates, soon after my mom's death, telling me that he was telling others that he didn't understand why I wasn't phoning him (this is BS because of how recently the situation had occurred, my having spelled it all out for him so recently, and his having remembered and bringing up the situation recently at my mom's funeral), I thought about asking this associate to tell him the reasons since she was already aware of what had happened and my dad's part in it. But, I didn't think it was appropriate to involve her. I also thought about suggesting that she have my dad contact me to directly ask me why I wasn't phoning him, instead of asking others. But, knowing him as well as I do, I figured it was fruitless given of the likelihood of his not following through on the suggestion because he wouldn't get any mileage/pity rewards from it--- i.e., pity from others because his daughter isn't phoning him.
Also, in my early notes to him, I could have been more specific as to the reasons without directly blaming him--- e.g., “because of the AAG's threats and accusations of coercion, meddling, mental abuse, I'm now in a precarious situation that any of yours and my phone conversations could be misconstrued. With there being no witnesses to our conversation the AAG could once again threaten me and possibly even follow through by incarcerating me next time I go to visit you. So, it's safer for me to limit communications with you to writing letters which I can save on my computer.” Just about everybody I mentioned this to strongly discouraged me from doing it and to just let sleeping dogs lie because there was even too much risk in making this type of statement since my dad would know that I was indirectly accusing him and would likely be even more driven to report me. So, I've kept things very high level, giving him only enough information that he'll know what situation is putting me in a precarious position-- I haven't mentioned anything about the AAG or detective in my letters to him. In your mom's case, another approach you can take if/when she asks you directly or through your brother is to say nothing at all. In some situations, silence is more powerful than words. I've figured that by not phoning my dad and keeping my letters to him high level-- mainly talking about the weather and letting him know that everyone here is doing well-- the only accusation he can make about me is that I'm not phoning him. Any AAG or other authority who would go after that should realize that they wouldn't have any legal leg to stand on with that they'd only make complete fools out of themselves.

Basically, what your mom is doing with her slander and lies, just as with my dad, is betraying you. For your own self-respect, dignity, and integrity, don't allow yourself to be treated with this type of respect. Even though she's your parent, it doesn't give her the go ahead to treat you disrespectfully and to treat you like an adult (none of which my dad does). It's best for you to set some boundaries with your mom. Otherwise, you'll be living with the emotional scars of her unconscionable behavior for years. I wish I had set boundaries with my dad way earlier. Maybe I wouldn't now be trying to heal the emotional scars/injuries he's inflicted on me and maybe I wouldn't be seeking help from a mental health professional.
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rovana: I agree with your comments regarding reconciling with a person if the other person has a sincere desire. However, even if there's a sincere desire on the part of the other person, there may be cases where it's unsafe or not feasible to reconcile or to only partly reconcile. I think that you have to look at the individual, the situation, and the risks that reconciliation could pose for you. If, in my phone conversation with my dad right after the AAG had threatened and accused me of the things my dad told them about me, he had shown anger and concern that the AAG had treated me like that, had been truthful in saying that he was feeling intimidated by 9 people coming to his apartment to question him and that because it made him so anxious he wasn't thinking clearly, even if he hadn't apologized to me, I would have believed that he truly didn't realize how his statements about me were being interpreted. He was almost 91 years old at the time and I can understand that he would have been feeling anxious and intimidated by these people. But even if he had shown remorse or had admitted that he wasn't thinking clearly, given that he would have already demonstrated and admitted to an inability to think clearly, I would still feel scared to totally reattach with him for fear that he would inadvertently say something about me that had no malicious intent but that he could state in such a way that it could be interpreted as my meddling and mentally abusing him. The thing with my dad is that for the past several years he has shown an insincerity at all levels. And the fact is that when I informed him of the AAG's exact threats and accusations, he didn't deny having told authorities any of those things and also minimized it all and basically blew me off. It was only after his stubborn refusal to give written permission to my mom's memory unit staff to allow me to continue to communicate with them and her and my telling him that without written permission that he would never again hear from me or see me that he showed any emotion and a little bit of concern Couple this with the fact that for the past 7 or so years he's been unable to tell me he loves me and has shown no love for me (as he used to) and that the only time he ever calls/knows me is when he has a problem or is begging me for financial assistance and he's given me a very clear message that he truly doesn't want to continue our relationship. He'd much rather get pity from his associates where he lives that he's a poor old man who no longer has family than to try to reach out to me. He's told others that he doesn't understand why I'm only writing and not calling, but has made no effort to ask me. I strongly suspect that he knows why and doesn't want to hear it from me. So, since his sincerity and interest in having a relationship with me aren't there, I have to ask the same questions as you posed, rovana: why reconcile and why make nice? This is the same reason why I never asked him why he stopped telling and showing me he loved me. From my perspective, if I have to point this out to someone then I'd be led to believe that any future expressions of love he'd make to me would be ONLY because I had pointed this out to him and not because he truly felt it--- i.e., it would be insincere. I'd rather have sincere expressions than to be paid lip service because I asked for it.

Your comments about child abuse are interesting. I want to read them more carefully and may have some comments, but not sure. I think bookluvr addressed your questions well, and especially so because these comments came from someone who has been a victim of child abuse.
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Wow this is an eye opener. My mother has done some of,the same things your father is doing. I am fortunate enough to have a brother "who can do no wrong" to deal with her but she too has slandered me and made up stories and lies. I will stay farrrrrrrr away from her. Thanks for your posts.
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I would also hesitate if those accusations came from a troublemaker. It's like in the past histories - the witch hunts, medieval times - when a tiny whisper of suspicion resulted with the guillotine in France, etc... All because others were envious, getting 'even', etc.... I would base the accusation on Who is saying it, the child involved is showing signs of abuse: becomes quiet or becomes aggressive, or always wearing long sleeves/long pants to hide bruises, flinches when you make sudden movements (I know this first hand when my dad would make sudden movements with his hands & I literally jumped in fear with heart pounding like crazy) or looks at you with such pleading eyes but Refuses to say anything (ordered not to Tell anyone), etc..... Watch how the child reacts to the parents. When in the presence of the parents, are they avoiding looking into your eyes, their eyes, do they do Exactly and Immediately what the parent tells them (No procrastinating or sassing back to the parents), etc....

If you've never been abused as a child, maybe you can educate yourself more by reading true-life stories of the abuses an adult went thru as a child. I grew up thinking our family life was normal. I only recently learned how truly bad it was from therapy - the look of horror from my therapist - and her amazement that I came out normal (not drug, alcohol addicted or in prison, etc...) I still don't think it's that bad compared to other real life stories I've read. Like "The Boy Named IT." {{shudder}} He had it really really bad.
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rr4terps - I thought your comment on reconciling people was very to the point. As a Christian this is certainly the way to go - as long as there is a sincere desire to meet the other person....but I have often thought that when that sincerity is not there, then why?? What's to reconcile? Why a meaningless "make nice"?
Another comment to throw out there - I was a mandated reporter a number of years ago when I worked as an administrative assistant for HeadStart. We all went through training and also discussed California's laws on this issue. When the question and answer period came up I posed the following: I have no personal knowledge that a child is being abused, but I am told by a relative that abuse is occurring. I do know that this person is a troublemaker and that it is quite possible that I'm being lied to. What am I legally required to do in this case? The people conducting the training were unable to tell me!! To this day, I have been unable to get this resolved (I'm retired now). Any thoughts on this issue?
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HarpnJack: Well said and I agree with what you've stated. What you've described about your mother-in-law, a description that also applies to my dad, is considered to be narcissism. In its extreme form, narcissism is considered to be a sociopathic mental illness. I can certainly say that the descriptions I've read of extreme narcissism and sociopathy apply to my dad. Also often complicating the mental illness landscape is that it may encompass a number of pathologies, not just one, all of which makes it hard for families/loved ones to deal with. This is certainly the case for my dad who also shows some borderline personality disorder tendencies. Mental illness by itself and at any age creates complications for the mentally ill person's family, in addition to it robbing a mentally ill person of their loved ones. But, when advanced age and the vulnerability that accompanies it are added to the mix of mental illness, it's a very potentially dangerous situation for the family/loved ones, as your husband is realizing and that I realized too late. I think it's also sad that this dangerous combination makes it difficult, if not impossible, to remain a part of this person's life at a time in their lives when they most need their family to be there for them. Realizing this is what has made me question whether I've been doing the right thing by staying out of my dad's life. But, people posting to this thread have really helped me to gain better perspective and realize that I'm doing the right thing by staying away and protecting myself. There were many times in the 3 – 4 months after my mom's death that I wanted to tell my dad exactly why I was staying away and limiting communications with him to writing. But, I was strongly advised both by attorneys and someone in the mental health field to not do this because my dad's impaired mental status would/will drive him to either report me for accusing him or could cause him to twist and fabricate my statements as a way to again portray me as meddling and mentally abusing him. This made me realize that there's nothing to be gained by telling him and that it's almost guaranteed to lead to a bad result for me.
I wish your husband, you, and the rest of your family best of luck as all of you continue to deal with your situation. Hopefully, it won't result in a situation similar to mine and will have only a positive outcome for all of you.
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Re: incompetence: I also believe that a number of the authorities involved in protecting a vulnerable demographic hide their incompetence by using bullying and intimidation techniques to eliminate people who could either expose their incompetence or cause them to lose their cases (or both), which would then jeopardize their jobs and careers, in general. This certainly strongly appears to be the case with the AAG that I dealt with. She wanted me out of the picture because I had seen through her incompetence and what her motives and goals were, and didn't hide the fact that I saw through hers and the detective's BS. Both out of fear of my exposing her and also her making her career a higher priority than doing right by an innocent elderly woman (i.e., my mom), the AAG deemed me to be a danger that had to be gotten out of the way at all costs. So to this end, she decided to use her position of power to prey on my ignorance of the laws and to bully and intimidate, all of which she successfully accomplished. Had I not been so traumatized and terrorized by the AAG's threats and accusations, and realized that she was probably more afraid of me than I was of her, I may have been more willing to take the risk and continue to be in contact with my mom. Fortunately, the judge at the preliminary hearing saw right through this AAG, realizing her motives and her arrogance, and expressed his anger at having his time wasted on this case. So, he threw the entire case out. In the end, the AAG didn't accomplish her career goal but rather, left behind a path of destruction and devastation and has likely just moved on to her next victim(s). Unfortunately, from what I've been hearing, this AAG's behavior isn't an exception to the rule of conduct and appears to be fairly common across the US. From my perspective, it's a very broken system that doesn't require accountability for these authorities, doesn't include strict conduct guidelines for all who are involved in abuse investigations/cases, doesn't provide a lot of oversight and supervision into the investigation activities and procedures, doesn't provide adequate training and education for the involved demographic (e.g., geriatrics), and doesn't do some very thorough pre-hiring/pre-appointment screening and filtering to determine various areas of capacity (i.e, intellectual, objectivity, overall competence, and mental stability and capacity) to more than adequately perform this type of a job.
Until state legislatures and the US Federal Government recognize these inadequacies, what's really taking place, and make a sincere effort to spend the money to fix our broken system, nothing is going to change. And, more harm than good will continue to befall abuse victims at the hands of authorities allegedly tasked with protecting them.
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bookluvr: I agree with your comments and believe that they also apply to appointed and hired positions in this particular context. Whether appointed, hired, or elected, I believe that it basically comes down to people having to justify their existence/their jobs so that either the position isn't eliminated or so that they don't lose their jobs by not being reappointed/re-elected/rehired. As a result, they focus on making themselves and/or their jobs seem more important than they really are, employing any techniques possible, even bullying, coercion, and intimidation of innocent people, to accomplish this. Their careers, including career advancement, then become a higher priority than doing their jobs correctly and honestly. This, in turn, drives these authorities to become overzealous. I also believe that, in taking any means possible to justify their existence and make their jobs appear very important, these authorities become arrogant, self-righteous, and wrapped up in their self-importance, believing themselves to be both God and above the law and also to be saviors of vulnerable individuals. Unfortunately, these authorities are none of these things and end up doing more harm than good. In addition, I believe that also coming into play is an element of incompetence in how to conduct a viable, objective, and thorough investigation, maybe even a general incompetence in their careers, lack of critical thinking skills, and a lack of knowledge, adequate education, and understanding of the type of vulnerability they're dealing with, in this instance geriatrics. Combine all of these things and you have a recipe for these authorities to make some very serious and procedural mistakes which cause unnecessary trauma and disaster to both the victim and others involved in the victim's life.
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rr4terps, I do not know about the will. I believe the woman has been self-centered and mean for many years. I wish the best for you and your family. I am saddened when 'disease' robs the living of their loved ones too early. It is not just age, or one type of circumstance, that robs us of those we love, but a multitude of various occurances that takes our loved ones and leaves behind a stranger. HUGS to All.
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HarpnJack: Your mother-in-law sounds like she's been mentally ill for many years. I just can't imagine a mother telling her child, adult or not, that she wanted to drown him at birth and that she didn't like him. There's something very mentally wrong with her. It also sounds like she might not have even loved your husband. After reading this about your mother-in-law, I feel fortunate that for most of my life, up until about 9 – 10 yrs ago, my dad was a very loving father who consistently and sincerely demonstrated his love and concern. If legal authorities had questioned him 10 or more years ago, he never would have said the things about me to them that he did 2 years ago. Your mother-in-law definitely crossed the line in initiating a call to the state to report your husband. When she crossed that line, she became a very dangerous person for your husband and your family. In this same way, my dad became a very dangerous person for me. Your husband is very smart to have completely severed the ties with his mom and not be persuaded by his brother to meet with her and reconcile their differences, especially given the huge negative impact it would have on his profession, not to mention on your lives. It seems like this is a case where your mother-in-law has so far overstepped the boundary that there's no going back. She has done irreparable damage to your husband's and her relationship. This was the same thing with my dad and me. In my opinion, once that bond of trust is broken and a parent does what your mother-in-law and my dad did, there can be no mending because the trust is no longer there. I respect your husband for being able to tell his mom to write him out of her will. Did she actually write him out? I think that there comes a point where you draw the line, create a boundary, and take a stand not to allow yourself to be treated with so much disrespect or to place yourself into a position where you could be used as somebody's scapegoat, meaning that you just walk away from it all. In my opinion, no inheritance is worth compromising your principles and integrity for and allowing yourself to be placed in a position that could cause some devastating consequences for you. At least your husband can walk away from his mom with his head held high and his self-esteem and integrity intact. From the perspective of your brother-in-law trying to get your husband to meet with is mom, I also see a total lack of disregard for your husband and his wishes with this.. Your husband has made his position very clear. If his mom can't respect that, at least his brother should have and should have told their mom that he wasn't going to play the middle man. I'm glad that your husband stood his ground and refused to meet with his mom. If she's like my dad, she'll tell your husband what he wants to hear and promise to treat him better and not report him to authorities. Then, within a short time, it'll be back to the same old, same old crap with her. This is how my dad has consistently operated not only with me but also with others, as well. His insincerity is appalling. I think it's a matter of accepting that this person isn't going to change and so why put yourself in jeopardy and waste your life with an evil person who is only going to ruin your life and make you feel miserable? And, I agree with you that it's scary to have to hire a lawyer to protect yourself from your own parent/parents--- a pretty sad and pathetic situation, too, as well as being costly.
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I just stumbled across this thread. My husband was requested by one of his brothers to meet for lunch, this past Sunday, with their mother & sister. This is the woman who told him she had considered drowning him at birth... she loved him but didn't like him... posted a long rant on Facebook filled with lies and hate. She contacted someone with the State stating that she was afraid of him and he called her a bitch. I overheard the conversation. She called him a son-of-a-b*tch and his response was something about what did that make her? The State could have closed his business and left him to be unemployable in his profession. (without making this much longer, over a year ago, he told his mother to remove him from her will and that he did not want anything from her) I was afraid that my brother-in-law would be able to talk my husband into a meeting. We anticipated that the brother was pushed into trying to get my husband to 'make up' with his mother. He was unsuccessful. After reading all of this thread and the comments, I am so very glad that my husband chose to stay away. I would have gone with him but I was hoping I would not have to. It is very scary to feel the need to hire a lawyer to protect you from your parents. It is a scary world when you are guilty until proven innocent. I am SO thankful that I found this site and these helpful people! Thank you all.
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Not many votes in defending someone who's accused of picking on a little old lady. Possibly slightly more votes in defending someone who's been accused by an over zealous official in cahoots with a bullying lawman, but on the other hand minus several million votes for employing zealots and bullies in the first place.

But we do love our democratic accountability, don't we? And if only we had a more energetic and engaged demos it could even work...
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CM, that's the problem when AG and judges are elected. When they're elected, they NEED to prove that they are doing their job. Even if it means sending innocent people to jail. Or if the judges are Appointed by the legislature or governor. Then politics come to play in the court system. It's now Who You Know and not that you're innocent.
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Tesoro12: I'm glad that my posts have been helpful to you and that you've copied them to your computer for future reference. Thanks for letting me know that you found this info. helpful. I hope that you'll never encounter a similar situation with your parents. It's very traumatic and emotionally heart wrenching to realize that your own parent betrayed you and has put you in such a precarious position with legal authorities all for his own narcissistic interests and delusions. My dad has never even asked me why I'm not talking with him on the phone, but has told others that he doesn't understand it. I'm pretty certain that my dad knows why and is very ashamed of what he did, so feels uncomfortable asking me to explain. Right after the AAG threatened and accused me, I informed my dad of it and told him that his statements to the AAG and other legal authorities had been the cause. Then, in subsequent notes, I've mentioned it at a high level, without pointing the finger at him, but giving him enough information about it that he knows exactly what I'm referring to. If he truly didn't know why I'm directly talking to him anymore or really cared and wanted to have a relationship with me, he would have asked (actually begged) me to explain to him why I'm limiting communications to writing. But, he has made no effort to reach out to me, hasn't asked me to explain, and is using this as a way to garner even more pity for himself. He's going around telling people that he no longer has a family. Well, what does he expect when he's alienated his entire family? The fact also is that for the past 7 or so years, he's been unable to tell me that he loves me, while being very easily able to tell non-family members that he loves them. His reply to my telling him that I love him has been a very cold and detached “thank you”. So, he's made it abundantly clear by not reaching out to me and having portrayed me as a meddler and elder abuser to legal authorities that he really doesn't give a crap about me. Even if he were to make an effort to reach out to me and ask me why I'm no longer calling him, I'm not sure how or if I could reattach with him. I'd have to worry about every conversation possibly resulting in him misconstruing something I've said and then telling staff at his facility or others that I'm meddling or mentally abusing him. Emotionally, it would take a big toll on me and would be very stressful. In my opinion, it isn't worth the risk. And, even if I took the approach and was willing to risk that he probably now won't report me to either authorities or staff at his facility, the fact of his betrayal still remains. His betrayal has caused irreparable damage to our relationship. With his betrayal, he broke the father-daughter bond of trust that we had had since the day I was born. Any reattachment wouldn't be on the basis of a father-daughter relationship but rather, would be solely for the sake of an inheritance. From my perspective, having a relationship with my dad and pretending I care just so I can get an inheritance would make me a hypocrite and would mean giving up my integrity, which I suspect would later come back to haunt me and take a different type of emotional toll. I believe that there are some situations that you just have to walk away from, even if it means losing out on something. This is one of those situations. But, in walking away from my dad and an inheritance, I walk away with my integrity intact and being able to look at myself in the mirror each day and not be disgusted that I sold my sole to the devil (in this case, my dad).
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Countrymouse: Yes, you understood correctly about AGs being elected to their positions here in the US. I don't know how long their term of office is. But, in the case of the AG in my parents' state, he's been in too long in my opinion. I'm not sure whether AAGs are elected or are just appointed by the AG. It also hasn't given me much confidence that the AAG I had the misfortune of dealing with went to one of the worst law schools in the US. I was doing a Google search on her, found her law school, then started investigating its reputation. The average grade point average (GPA) of the law students at that law school is 2.5 to 2.8. Maybe this particular AAG had a better GPA or maybe she just doesn't have the necessary intelligence to have gone to a much better law school. She certainly has demonstrated some very serious deficiencies that I would think would be critical in order to do these types of investigations. I think that these deficiencies reflect very poorly on the law school she went to, or maybe just confirm my belief that she isn't intelligent enough to have gone to a better school. Specifically, not only does she lack the necessary critical thinking skills and social intelligence, but she also lacks intelligence, period. With her demonstrated lack of these necessary skills and intelligence, I seriously doubt that she's capable on any level of being competent at her job as an AAG. And who knows, maybe she's not even competent at being an atty, but covers this up by using bullying and intimidation tactics and by being very arrogant. From my perspective, the AG office in that state just needed any old warm body to fill the spot and they aren't very discriminating about who they hire.

I find your description of the system in the UK interesting. It seems as though there's been a more sincere effort to resolve the problems than there has been in the US. Here, it's just lip service done by a bunch of politicians who tell us what they think we want to hear about this hot button item in order to get elected. Then once in office, they renege on everything they promised about dealing with elder abuse related things. Not having this tied to politics certainly seems like it would help. Maybe the US could take a lesson from the UK. It would be nice to have overzealous AAGs and other investigators (police, detectives, etc.) sat on before they could do something stupid. It certainly also sounds like there's more oversight in the UK of the activities of these investigators than there is here in the US. In the US, it seems as if there really aren't very strict and consistent investigative procedural and conduct guidelines for those involved in abuse cases. And, any training that they get relative to the needs of the elderly and the negative effects of sudden traumatic changes, especially in demented elderly people, is very cursory at the most. So, what you have is a bunch of untrained people conducting these investigations and making some very critical decisions, but no supervisors overseeing their activity to make sure that the investigation has been done thoroughly and in an objective manner. Too often, those involved in an elder abuse investigation allow their sympathies to cloud their common sense and perceptions, allowing themselves to get blindsided, side tracked, and manipulatetd by people like my dad. From the stories I've heard from others, these investigators don't understand the needs of the elderly, don't know or understand how to conduct an objective investigation, and don't seek to get the entire picture by gathering all of the necessary information from all involved parties and verifying all of the statements people make before rendering a decision on how to proceed. Granted, there are elder abuse cases where these investigators have to act quickly and remove the victim from the situation as quickly as possible. However, because most abuse cases fall into a gray area where nobody actually personally witnessed the abuse and it isn't black and white as to whether the injury was an accident or actual abuse, the investigators usually have time to do a more thorough investigation. In fact, both the APS person I spoke with and my attorney said that because the majority of abuse cases fall into this gray area between accidental injury vs actual physical abuse, quite often charges are dropped because they can't be proven beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law. My atty told me that the standard of “beyond a reasonable doubt” is a very high standard and almost impossible to prove unless you have a lot of witnesses with the same exact story or if you have a videotape of the actual abuse as it's in the process of happening. Too often, authorities' reactions are knee-jerk ones. Add to this that for a lot of these investigators, being assigned to deal with elder abuse cases is usually the first stepping stone in their careers. This often means that their goal is to move up the ladder into higher positions. So, they put their careers first, before the needs of the elder abuse victim, knowing that they can do their dirty deeds and then move up the ladder never giving a second thought to the devastation they leave behind for the victim and/or his/her family. The other thing which bothers me is that there really is no way for innocent family members who,like me, have been bullied and intimidated by an AAG and/or police detective to report these people without fear of retribution by the legal system in that state. I wanted to report this AAG and the detective to their respective agencies, but was persuaded not to by two attorneys. They said that I would have more trouble down the road with the legal system in that state than I'd want and that the resulting retribution would be a big hassle. In my opinion, this is very unfortunate because this sort of reporting and feedback from family members could go a long way in helping many of the states in the US to make improvements that would benefit elder abuse victims. I have a college friend who is an atty in the state my parents live in and he gave me the name of a newspaper reporter who has done a lot of investigative reporting on the dismal state of affairs for elder abuse victims in that state. He suggested that I contact her and tell my story. But, I'm afraid of the potential repercussions and retributions by the particular AAG and detective I dealt with. To me, this is a very sad state when a person's rights have been violated, her parent dies as a result of the neglect of duty and incompetence of the investigators, but she's so scared of the repercussions and of retribution that she won't risk blowing the whistle on these evil doers. From my perspective, that's a sign of a very broken and dysfunctional system.
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suezq32: From what you describe about your mother and the brick wall you're hitting with lawyers, judges, APS, drs, etc., it sounds like you're in a no-win battle to get conservatorship or even guardianship over your mother. Unfortunately, the standard for proving mental capacity is very low. If your mom is still in the early stages of Alzheimer's, this is likely the reason she's still able to answer the real basic questions that are used to test mental capacity (i.e., her name, your name, has a concept of time, place, money, etc.). In the early stages of her Alzheimer's, my mom did fairly well on the Mini Mental Test that her Neurologist, and later NeuroPsychiatrist gave her. However, as time went on and her scores continued to plummet, it was apparent that she was no longer mentally capable. It sounds like your mom is still able to do fairly well on the Mini Mental Test and this is why you're not getting anywhere on declaring her mentally incompetent in a court of law. This may be more of a waiting game for you until the time comes that her scores become pretty low (I think that when my mom's scores went to about 20 on the test, she was declared mentally incompetent--- it didn't need to be declared in a court of law since I wasn't trying to get guardianship). I think that at the point when your mom is no longer able to answer the basic questions, it'll be obvious to her drs., and they may approach you to go for conservatorship or guardianship. At that point, drs will probably be more willing to attest to your mom's mental incapacity and put something in writing. The problem is that one test of mental competency/capacity doesn't tell the entire story that the person's family observes on a daily basis and in a different environment from a dr's office. And, in my opinion, the test doesn't go far enough in evaluating a wide enough range of other things. It seems to me that too much emphasis is put on the test and not enough credence/attention is given to observations by family members and in a wider variety of environments than a controlled one (i.e., dr's office). I think that a test of mental capacity needs to look at how the person functions in many other areas on a daily basis. A person can have a sense of time or place, but still forget their way home, forget to turn the stove off and create a potential for fire, and just the fact of being delusional.

Given that you've stated that your mom is delusional and making up stories about things you've done to her, I agree with you that it's time to step away and let someone else handle her care. At some point, her delusion is going to drive her to cross the line and either call the police and report that you've abused her or to say things of this nature to people who are in positions (drs, for ex.) that require them to file a report of abuse against you. And, because her drs, the lawyers, judges, etc. believe your mom to be mentally competent, they won't listen to you and will only listen to her side of the story. From my perspective, you're playing with matches and it's not going to take much for it to escalate into a huge forest fire. So, I suggest that you do what's necessary to protect yourself from your mom. If there isn't a trusted family member who can take over her care, maybe you can look into having your mom become a ward of the state and have the state assign her a person to take over her care. This doesn't mean that you can't continue to be a concerned daughter or stay in touch with your mom. But in any interactions you have with your mom, you need to be very, very careful of what you say to her or do in the way of providing her with help or offering her help because even the most innocent things could be misconstrued by her as you mentally abusing her or meddling. I would suggest that anytime you visit with her or talk with her on the phone, you don't go alone/have someone else on the phone with you, and have witnesses there who can attest to the fact that you didn't do anything bad to your mom. If you're not able to do this, record all phone conversations and conversations during visits with your mom. Also, don't worry that everyone thinks you're the evil daughter because you're not. Just ignore them and do what you feel is best to protect yourself, which right now sounds like stepping out of your mom's care is the route you'll need to take. You've done the best you can under the circumstances and are being the best daughter you can be. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. Unfortunately, I didn't follow this and was way too worried about what others thought about me as a daughter. In the end, I should have listened to my gut and not worried about what others thought of me. Right now, you have to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself legally, mentally, and maybe even physically. Until people have walked a mile in your shoes, they can't possibly understand what you're going through with your mom. So easy for them to be judgmental. But, if they were placed in your position, they'd soon realize where you're coming from. Best of luck with this. I hope it turns out well for you.

And for sure, there is something terribly wrong with the way the system works right now. I have no faith that the system will ever be corrected because nobody wants to put their money where their mouth is and fix the problems. Elder care and elder abuse are currently hot button items because of the increasing percentage of elderly people in our population. Politicians use this hot button item to get elected, leading people to believe that they'll fix the broken system. In the end, it's just lip service so they can get elected.
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Interesting. So the implementation of policy would have political implications and repercussions. And the disciplining of an out-of-control underling could provide ammunition for political opponents, for example. You can see why they'd think these things look much tidier when they're swept under the carpet.

Whereas in the UK, where there is as yet no direct political involvement in the legal system (although there is now in the police, where we've just introduced elected commissioners - my what a startling lack of difference that's made! A bargain the public's had for its money) the family courts are so secluded that it sometimes can't even be reported that cases are happening. This is said to be in order to protect the identities of children, presumably also of vulnerable adults. You'd have to be very cynical, of course, to think it could be to protect poor innocent little officials just trying to get on with their job.

So: how does one make officials accountable for their actions, and to whom should they have to account?

We have two bodies overseeing care of the elders. CSCI - the Commission for Social Care Inspection - was responsible for standards in care homes and was so startlingly useless, toothless and feeble-minded that it was torn up and replaced with the CQC, the Care Quality Commission. These people - where do you suppose the CQC recruited its staff? - are in a double bind. They are responsible for ensuring quality in care. They are therefore eager to ensure that care homes meet the required standards. But they are also responsible for inspections, for identifying care homes that fail to meet the required standards. Their mission, since they have chosen to accept it, becomes ensuring that excellent standards continue on a steady upwards trajectory forever, that atrocious care homes are never allowed to exist but when they do they are immediately closed down - with no loss of amenity to current residents, obviously - and set up again as jolly good ones. Lessons Are Learned. Training Is Improved. This Must Never Happen Again (and again and again…) Very occasionally, an MP or similar public figure has a rude awakening: sadly for her, one such experienced the death of her husband in wretched circumstances that she described, pitifully, in Parliament. I was sorry for her pain, but it reminded me of how often I wish to seize officials and policy makers by the hair and drag them physically into the setting they talk such utter crap about day after day, for a good kicking.

Wards of court, and people who have registered Lasting Powers of Attorney, are protected by the Office of the Public Guardian. The OPG would be responsible for investigating cases such as rr4terps's alleged abuse of POA, and it would be interesting to see if we have any comparable instances going on of overzealous, officious officials managing to get hold of the wrong end of the stick. I'd be surprised, though: one of the advantages of having this kind of highly centralised system is that the people in it tend to be old hands so that bright-eyed enthusiasts like that AAG get sat on quite quickly and told not to get excited. On the other hand, getting them to DO SOMETHING!!! can be more of a problem...

Elected leaders have too much PR at stake and often too little knowledge of their subject.
Commissioned leaders are not subject to regular scrutiny by the general public.
Professional insiders are too keen to close ranks.
None of them takes kindly to being argued with.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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Quick question: have I understood correctly that AGs are elected to their positions, or have I been watching too much television?
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rr4terps, I just want to thank you for taking the time to make all of these thorough and very detailed posts. I got so much good information from them that I copied and pasted them as a document on my computer, a sort of mini-manual for how to handle this type of situation. You have helped me a great deal, and I know I'm not alone, so I'm sure you have helped many others too. I only wish you had not had to experience this awful situation yourself. What a rotten person your father has been to you. You have given me a lot to think about regarding my own situation. Please do keep us posted on how this progresses. Thank you again.
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vstefans: Re: your comment about a week ago to report an arrogant AAG who blatantly abused her power: My atty told me that it would go nowhere because the main AG's office in the particular state this happened in is generally very unresponsive. Plus, my atty's strong request and statements to another AAG in that same office as the arrogant AAG to have my situation escalated right up the supervisory ranks hasn't happened, mainly because the arrogant AAG lost her case in the preliminary hearing. I have a friend whose mom used to live in the same state as my parents. When she encountered some serious problems related to her husband's care, she wrote a letter to the main AG's office to report the situation and to enlist their help. It went unanswered, not even an acknowledgement of receipt. My atty said that this is par for the course with that AG's office. In addition, as stated in another post, the AG, himself, was being investigated for vote tampering and election fraud plus threatening AAG's working for him with job termination if they didn't have sexual relations with him. So from my perspective, even if my situation had been escalated up the supervisory ranks as my atty demanded, I doubt that anything would have come of it and that the arrogant AAG would have been disciplined. There are times that you just can't fight city hall and have to realize that alot of these agencies are filled with corruption.
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Among the many things I've learned from my experience is that as the adult children of elderly parents, we really don't have any legal responsibility to do anything for them or to take care of them, unless it's been ordered in a court of law that we do so. From my perspective, it's basically a moral responsibility to a vulnerable parent/parents that led me to feel that I had to take on the responsibility when I realized that my dad couldn't/wouldn't do it and that his mental illness would have caused my mom alot of harm and suffering. Legally, I was within my rights to turn my back on the whole thing and wash my hands of any involvement in my mom's care because, in the end, it's my dad who has/had the legal responsibility for my mom, as her husband. Unfortunately, I have a conscience and felt loyal to my mom and felt the need to protect her from my dad's mental illness. In all good conscience and given how close my mom and I were with each other, I couldn't turn my back on her and see her suffer at my dad's hands. I've thought about how I would handle this now, with the knowledge I now have and have concluded that I still wouldn't turn my back on my mom and would still help out. But, I would be smarter and would have everything put in writing, signed by an atty and my dad and notarized before I would get involved or take on any responsibilities. Unless this was done, I would keep at a very long arm's length from my dad and allowing him to manipulate me into taking over my mom's care, throwing it all back into his court when he would try to manipulate me. While I would remain in contact with my dad, I would avoid any discussions with him about my mom's care and would keep to mundane and neutral topics, and I would discourage him from having me get involved with my mom's care manager, especially because his guaranteed personality conflict with this person would just draw me into his web of manipulation. I would present myself to him as a casual observer who lives too far away to get involved in any of this. However, I would try to keep apprised of things with my mom directly through her care manager or her caregiving staff at her facility and would express my desires and concerns, solely as a concerned daughter and nothing more, making sure that my conversations and communications with these people were kept in strict confidence from my dad. I would also do my best to discourage medical personnel and care giving staff in getting me super involved in any decisions about my mom, and would direct them/encourage them to deal with my dad as my mom's principal medical POA and as her husband, stating that I can't legally act in the capacity of POA, even though I'm listed as the successor, or be highly involved until such time that I was legally made the principal POA and the POA doc was changed to reflect this. It may mean that my mom wouldn't get the care she needs, but I would have no legal responsibility to her and would have to stick with this over any feelings of moral obligation. I know that this is cold-hearted and certainly isn't in my character to usually operate like this. But, sometimes you've gotta look at your own protection as taking the higher priority, especially when dealing with a mentally ill and/or demented parent. Also, if my dad continued with his behavior or did things that were harmful to my mom, I wouldn't hesitate for one second to report him to APS. To this end, I would work toward seeing to it that protection orders for my mom were permanently put in place allowing my dad only supervised visits with my mom and that if he ever was observed mentally or verbally abusing her during those visits or tried to remove her from her place of residence that he would automatically be arrested, jailed, and charged with kidnapping of a vulnerable adult and prosecuted to the full extent of the law for his actions toward my mom. There would be no compassion on my part for him and I remain as uninvolved as possible from any legal proceedings or actions taken against him.

Through this experience I've come to realize that while family loyalty is important, and caring for and about your parents is nice, the reality is that when your parents become old, they can't be trusted. You should expect to have to protect yourself from an elderly parent/elderly parents at some time in theirs and your lives. I was naive and didn't expect this would happen based on past experience with my parents. If your elderly parents are pulling crap on you, turn your back on them, sever ties, even if it means getting written out of their trust/will, and don't look back. No amount of their assets that they may leave you is worth your own integrity and placing yourself in legal, mental, and emotional jeopardy. The scars from that damage will outlast any assets your parents leave you--- any money they leave you will likely go toward the many years of psychological therapy that you'll require as a result of their nefarious behavior. And above all, don't let guilt about turning your back on your elderly parent or severing ties with them out of necessity drive you to get involved or to reattach with them. Just remember that you legally owe your parents nothing unless legally ordered and sometimes feelings of moral obligation need to be thrown to the wayside.
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GrandmaD6: You're right. I agree with what you've written. Yes, ideals are just that and certainly aren't realities. And yes, I've come to realize that I have to protect myself emotionally, legally, etc. from this very sick man and from the whims of a corrupt and incompetent legal system.

Yes, I am getting help for the emotional damage and trauma that my dad has caused me. I've learned a whole lot about family dynamics, in general, and my own family's dysfunctional dynamics which was/is driven by my dad's mental illness. I'm slowly realizing that I have nothing to be guilty for and that I've been the best daughter to both parents that I can and could be and that I've done the best that I could do for both of them. I'm slowly ridding myself of guilt, but it's not an easy road. I've come to accept that my dad is a very mentally sick person. And, I've come to realize that sometimes you just have to walk away. . I've been working hard to rid myself of the emotional damage my dad has caused and the associated thoughts, none of which has been easy to do. Unfortunately, because people continue to believe my dad and have fallen into his evil trap and don't realize that they, themselves, are being manipulated, there are things still happening from a legal standpoint, that continue to adversely affect me. I know I have to come to terms with all of this so that I can get to a point where I can reach inner peace within myself, and have been working hard to move on. I've been told that what I'm experiencing is a complicated bereavement, having been robbed of having closure with my mom before she died, and that this type of trauma and betrayal by a parent or someone you trusted takes time to work through. You don't just get over it in a day or two. I've come a really long well with the help I've gotten and continue to make progress. Hopefully, this has made me a stronger and smarter person.
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LearningCurve: I'm sorry that you've been through the same nightmare as I've been through. Did you have the authorities threatening and accusing you, too? Did you end up completely severing your relationship with your mom? Re: your comment about what possesses an elder to destroy their own child: It's way beyond me, too. However, I think that it's mainly mental illness and/or dementia that drives this stuff, in addition to an elderly person realizing that they've lost control of their lives and are no longer held in the same esteem as they were in their younger years. I believe that they basically feel helpless and have a need to lash out at people because they feel like wounded animals. So who better to lash out at than their own kids or other family members. It makes no sense to us, but in the mind of an elderly person is logical.

And yes, you're right about my dad setting me up as the sacrificial lamb. He has always had to have a scapegoat, even in his younger years, and can never be seen as being the culprit or doing people wrong. His image is the most important thing to him and takes the highest priority, even higher and more important than his loyalty and commitment to his wife and daughter. He always has to portray himself as a wonderful person who is the victim of everyone else. My dad's sociopathic behavior is very typical of how narcissists behave--- he's just an extreme narcissist, which makes it even worse because of his highly developed skill at manipulation and people unwittingly getting trapped into his evil web and believing him. As my mom used to tell me: Everyone thinks my dad is so wonderful, but they don't know how horribly he treats his own family (extended and immediate). He always shirks his responsibilities and then when things go wrong with what should have been his responsibilities, he's so quick to turn around and point the blame. So, now I've become his scapegoat/sacrificial lamb and am paying the price. I haven't totally severed the relationship because I write him one letter per month keeping to neutral topics such as the weather. I do this mainly for my protection because I'm afraid that if I completely sever the relationship with him and don't maintain just a cursory communication with him, with his delusional behavior and severe mental illness, he'll conjure up some story that I'm mentally abusing him by not keeping in communication with him and abandoning him and my duties to him. My fear is that he'll either contact authorities about this or will convince someone that I'm doing this and manipulate them into believing his delusion and into contacting authorities. Then authorities will believe him once again, without listening to my side, and I'll again have no end of trouble and trauma from the idiot authorities, especially given that I'm already on their radar screen. This latter is the reason my atty told me to completely sever the relationship with my dad. My atty agreed with me that if the authorities start contacting me and hassling me about stuff, it's harassment. She told me that if this happens, I should contact her right away and she'll go after the authorities for harassment. So far, so good, and I'm hoping that those monthly letters to my dad will keep him at bay. But yes, most of my friends agree with you about severing all relations with my dad, and they think I'm nuts for even writing the one letter a month.

Yes, I've been keeping a log, especially because my dad had been crying poverty and asking for my financial assistance over a 4 - 6 year period. I agree with you about my dad wanting to destroy me. I think that part of what led him to betray me to authorities, which ties in with his impaired mental status, is that he's upset at me because I didn't unquestioningly take his side in his personality conflict with my mom's care manager and others. When people confront my dad, he immediately does things to alienate them, turns around and blames them, and then tries to portray himself as being their victim. Quite the opposite is true--- most people become my dad's victim. And, I'm sure that he gets his jollies out of watching people go down in flames and knowing that he did this to him. In his sick mind, this is payback for them not agreeing with him or confronting him. He can never admit wrongdoing and people, believing him to be an innocent, helpless old man, fall for him hook, line, and sinker. Too many times, I've taken his side only to find out that he was lying to me. People told me that I have to learn to listen to both sides, not just his just because he's my dad. And, they're right. So, when my dad has told me things, I've learned to go to the person/people he's accusing and get their side of the story. A few years before my mom's death, my dad told me that her care manager was alienating me from him. I told him that nobody is alienating me from him and that I won't take sides in his and the care manager's personality conflict, especially because I live 1200 miles away and am not there to personally witness what happened. I've held to this position the entire time. He has tried to get me to side with him, and I've told him that he's putting me in an awkward position because I don't know the entire story. I had told both him and my mom's care manager that I wouldn't take sides in their personality conflict and that my main focus is on my mom and making sure that her needs are met and that she's safe and well-cared for. I just wasn't willing to get involved in my dad's personality conflicts with others because he has conflicts with just about everyone who doesn't worship him and who sees through him. Now my dad has gotten it into his head that I'm not on his side. Once he gets something into his head he not only won't let it go, but deludes himself into believing it's true. This wasn't much of a problem for me and I just ignored it as him being him until his portrayal of me to authorities as a coercer, meddler, and elder abuser and the ensuing threats of criminal prosecution and accusations from the AAG forced me to detach from my dad. Now, he's gotten it in his head that he's disowned me for being friends with my mom's caregiver (totally untrue) and he's gone to his estate atty and has already changed the family trust and written me out of his part of it (fortunately, I've learned that he's not able to write me out of my mom's portion, much to his anger--- he tried to, but legally can't). What ticks me off is that he's named a beneficiary to get all of the tangible property that is community property of both of my parents. While my parents created and signed a tangible property list, which leaves all of their tangibles to me, several years ago, my concern is that he's claimed it all for himself and the beneficiary won't be willing to give me any of those items. Many of those items are ones that my mom expressed her wishes for me to have. Also, as sole survivor of my family, those items have a special place in my family history. But, I suspect that my dad has given his estate atty very strict instructions that I'm to get nothing no matter what. I have an authenticity certificate for one of the pieces of artwork and it's in my mom's name showing her as the purchaser. I've discussed this with my atty and she has told me that I/we would have to determine if there's a bill of sales attached to the family trust showing that the tangible property/tangible property list is part of the family trust. Unfortunately, my dad didn't give me any bill of sales when he gave me a copy of the family trust. He just gave me the tangible property list. However, my atty said that the estate atty who drew up that trust that contains the tangible property list may also have a bill of sales or some sort of schedule on file in his office. This estate atty is different from the one my dad went to to change the estate plan. My atty said that my dad just can't go claiming community property as his sole property unless he has created a tangible property list doing so. She said that the family trust takes precedence over any pour over wills/trusts because a pour over will pours unclaimed assets from the family trust into it. My atty said that at the very least, these tangible assets would have to be split in half between the beneficiary of my dad's individual trust and the family trust, of which I'm the trustee. So, when the time comes, my atty said she'll help me with this.
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Re: the AAG declaring that I had committed a crime by acting as the POA: My atty told me that I hadn't committed a crime since it's so common for medical personnel to turn to the successor POA. Plus, the idiot AAG likely didn't even look at the POA doc. And, her actions showed her ignorance of estate law and an understanding of the role of a successor POA. She basically was preying on my ignorance of the law and used bullying and intimidation tactics. It was her way of getting me out of the picture by using scare tactics so I wouldn't testify on my mom's care manager's behalf. Talk about committing a crime--- the AAG, not me, committed a crime with her tactics. When my atty talked with another AAG in that elder abuse division, she stated very clearly that the other AAG not only had inappropriately, without justification, bullied and intimidated me, but that it also was a blatant abuse of power. As I mentioned in a previous post, because the idiot AAG lost her case at the preliminary hearing, the other AAG wasn't very inclined to escalate this situation up the supervisory ranks in the AG's office as my attorney had strongly suggested several times during their conversation. Unfotunately, the idiot AAG and her cohort the elder abuse detective will continue to do their dirty deeds. As I told my atty, I highly doubt that I'm the first family member that the evil AAG and detective have done this to nor will I be the last. My atty agrees with me, but feels that the AAG will eventually make a misstep and be exposed and get into alot of trouble. I'm not holding my breath. She's too much like my dad and is very adept at staying off the legal radar screen.
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126Cher: And one final statement:
If your dad is an extreme narcissist like mine, you're in a no-win situation because narcissists are extremely manipulative and very good at sounding believable and pulling the wool over most peoples' eyes. Basically, narcissists are sociopaths. Because of his extreme narcissism and sociopathic tendencies, I consider my dad to be an extremely dangerous person who will stop at nothing, even betraying his own daughter, to portray himself as an honest, upright person who never does wrong, is always right, and is always the victim. My dad is very adept at the pity party stuff, and people fall right into his trap and believe him unquestioningly. So, if your dad falls into this category, you may have no other choice but to detach from him. If you reattach with him at another time, go in wearing a full suit of armor so you can deflect anything he throws at you. Don't let yourself fall into his trap or be manipulated by him. You need to go into any interactions with your eyes wide open and realize that everything he says is likely either delusional or a lie--- don't believe a word he says. And, if you do reattach with him, keep your attachment at a pretty long arm's length-- don't let yourself get caught in his trap or use you as a scapegoat. Elderly pathological people have no scruples and don't give a crap about or understand the negative impacts of their behavior on others. They just either are lashing out and wanting to get back at others because they're angry at their lives or at getting old. So, they use their family members as scapegoats. Keeping your dad at arm's length still won't necessarily protect you from his delusions/lies/pathological behavior, but it's better than being too involved and suffering the results of his delusional and pathological behavior. And just remember that legal authorities are corrupt, only out for their own self-serving purposes and careers, are untrustworthy and are a bunch of liars who will find every way to screw you because they believe the elderly are gods and never do wrong. These authorities WON'T do right by you. If you have to talk to authorities, make sure that you retain an atty BEFORE talking with them or granting any interviews during an investigation or other things. And, make sure that your atty is present at these interviews. I wish I had been smart enough to do this when I was interviewed by the elder abuse detective. It may have saved a lot of hassles and heartache once the idiot AAG got involved. I've also come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a “nice little old lady” or “nice little old man”. This is a total myth.

I hope I never do to my adult kids what my dad did to me. I've already told them that if I do anything of the same sort that their grandfather did to me (and, as adults, they understand exactly what he did and are totally appalled and now want nothing more to do with him), currently being of sound mind, I give them my permission to take me out to the back 40 and put a bullet or two in my brain. I wanted to write this into my advanced directive and/or will, indicating that I'm of sound mind at the time of making this statement, but my husband's and my estate atty wouldn't allow it--- darn it. I just don't want to put my kids to go through that with me when I'm old.
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