How should I handle situation where I was threatened with criminal prosecution when my Dad portrayed me as elder abuser and meddler?

rr4terps, I do not know about the will. I believe the woman has been self-centered and mean for many years. I wish the best for you and your family. I am saddened when 'disease' robs the living of their loved ones too early. It is not just age, or one type of circumstance, that robs us of those we love, but a multitude of various occurances that takes our loved ones and leaves behind a stranger. HUGS to All.

bookluvr: I agree with your comments and believe that they also apply to appointed and hired positions in this particular context. Whether appointed, hired, or elected, I believe that it basically comes down to people having to justify their existence/their jobs so that either the position isn't eliminated or so that they don't lose their jobs by not being reappointed/re-elected/rehired. As a result, they focus on making themselves and/or their jobs seem more important than they really are, employing any techniques possible, even bullying, coercion, and intimidation of innocent people, to accomplish this. Their careers, including career advancement, then become a higher priority than doing their jobs correctly and honestly. This, in turn, drives these authorities to become overzealous. I also believe that, in taking any means possible to justify their existence and make their jobs appear very important, these authorities become arrogant, self-righteous, and wrapped up in their self-importance, believing themselves to be both God and above the law and also to be saviors of vulnerable individuals. Unfortunately, these authorities are none of these things and end up doing more harm than good. In addition, I believe that also coming into play is an element of incompetence in how to conduct a viable, objective, and thorough investigation, maybe even a general incompetence in their careers, lack of critical thinking skills, and a lack of knowledge, adequate education, and understanding of the type of vulnerability they're dealing with, in this instance geriatrics. Combine all of these things and you have a recipe for these authorities to make some very serious and procedural mistakes which cause unnecessary trauma and disaster to both the victim and others involved in the victim's life.

Re: incompetence: I also believe that a number of the authorities involved in protecting a vulnerable demographic hide their incompetence by using bullying and intimidation techniques to eliminate people who could either expose their incompetence or cause them to lose their cases (or both), which would then jeopardize their jobs and careers, in general. This certainly strongly appears to be the case with the AAG that I dealt with. She wanted me out of the picture because I had seen through her incompetence and what her motives and goals were, and didn't hide the fact that I saw through hers and the detective's BS. Both out of fear of my exposing her and also her making her career a higher priority than doing right by an innocent elderly woman (i.e., my mom), the AAG deemed me to be a danger that had to be gotten out of the way at all costs. So to this end, she decided to use her position of power to prey on my ignorance of the laws and to bully and intimidate, all of which she successfully accomplished. Had I not been so traumatized and terrorized by the AAG's threats and accusations, and realized that she was probably more afraid of me than I was of her, I may have been more willing to take the risk and continue to be in contact with my mom. Fortunately, the judge at the preliminary hearing saw right through this AAG, realizing her motives and her arrogance, and expressed his anger at having his time wasted on this case. So, he threw the entire case out. In the end, the AAG didn't accomplish her career goal but rather, left behind a path of destruction and devastation and has likely just moved on to her next victim(s). Unfortunately, from what I've been hearing, this AAG's behavior isn't an exception to the rule of conduct and appears to be fairly common across the US. From my perspective, it's a very broken system that doesn't require accountability for these authorities, doesn't include strict conduct guidelines for all who are involved in abuse investigations/cases, doesn't provide a lot of oversight and supervision into the investigation activities and procedures, doesn't provide adequate training and education for the involved demographic (e.g., geriatrics), and doesn't do some very thorough pre-hiring/pre-appointment screening and filtering to determine various areas of capacity (i.e, intellectual, objectivity, overall competence, and mental stability and capacity) to more than adequately perform this type of a job.
Until state legislatures and the US Federal Government recognize these inadequacies, what's really taking place, and make a sincere effort to spend the money to fix our broken system, nothing is going to change. And, more harm than good will continue to befall abuse victims at the hands of authorities allegedly tasked with protecting them.

HarpnJack: Well said and I agree with what you've stated. What you've described about your mother-in-law, a description that also applies to my dad, is considered to be narcissism. In its extreme form, narcissism is considered to be a sociopathic mental illness. I can certainly say that the descriptions I've read of extreme narcissism and sociopathy apply to my dad. Also often complicating the mental illness landscape is that it may encompass a number of pathologies, not just one, all of which makes it hard for families/loved ones to deal with. This is certainly the case for my dad who also shows some borderline personality disorder tendencies. Mental illness by itself and at any age creates complications for the mentally ill person's family, in addition to it robbing a mentally ill person of their loved ones. But, when advanced age and the vulnerability that accompanies it are added to the mix of mental illness, it's a very potentially dangerous situation for the family/loved ones, as your husband is realizing and that I realized too late. I think it's also sad that this dangerous combination makes it difficult, if not impossible, to remain a part of this person's life at a time in their lives when they most need their family to be there for them. Realizing this is what has made me question whether I've been doing the right thing by staying out of my dad's life. But, people posting to this thread have really helped me to gain better perspective and realize that I'm doing the right thing by staying away and protecting myself. There were many times in the 3 – 4 months after my mom's death that I wanted to tell my dad exactly why I was staying away and limiting communications with him to writing. But, I was strongly advised both by attorneys and someone in the mental health field to not do this because my dad's impaired mental status would/will drive him to either report me for accusing him or could cause him to twist and fabricate my statements as a way to again portray me as meddling and mentally abusing him. This made me realize that there's nothing to be gained by telling him and that it's almost guaranteed to lead to a bad result for me.
I wish your husband, you, and the rest of your family best of luck as all of you continue to deal with your situation. Hopefully, it won't result in a situation similar to mine and will have only a positive outcome for all of you.

rr4terps - I thought your comment on reconciling people was very to the point. As a Christian this is certainly the way to go - as long as there is a sincere desire to meet the other person....but I have often thought that when that sincerity is not there, then why?? What's to reconcile? Why a meaningless "make nice"?
Another comment to throw out there - I was a mandated reporter a number of years ago when I worked as an administrative assistant for HeadStart. We all went through training and also discussed California's laws on this issue. When the question and answer period came up I posed the following: I have no personal knowledge that a child is being abused, but I am told by a relative that abuse is occurring. I do know that this person is a troublemaker and that it is quite possible that I'm being lied to. What am I legally required to do in this case? The people conducting the training were unable to tell me!! To this day, I have been unable to get this resolved (I'm retired now). Any thoughts on this issue?

I would also hesitate if those accusations came from a troublemaker. It's like in the past histories - the witch hunts, medieval times - when a tiny whisper of suspicion resulted with the guillotine in France, etc... All because others were envious, getting 'even', etc.... I would base the accusation on Who is saying it, the child involved is showing signs of abuse: becomes quiet or becomes aggressive, or always wearing long sleeves/long pants to hide bruises, flinches when you make sudden movements (I know this first hand when my dad would make sudden movements with his hands & I literally jumped in fear with heart pounding like crazy) or looks at you with such pleading eyes but Refuses to say anything (ordered not to Tell anyone), etc..... Watch how the child reacts to the parents. When in the presence of the parents, are they avoiding looking into your eyes, their eyes, do they do Exactly and Immediately what the parent tells them (No procrastinating or sassing back to the parents), etc....

If you've never been abused as a child, maybe you can educate yourself more by reading true-life stories of the abuses an adult went thru as a child. I grew up thinking our family life was normal. I only recently learned how truly bad it was from therapy - the look of horror from my therapist - and her amazement that I came out normal (not drug, alcohol addicted or in prison, etc...) I still don't think it's that bad compared to other real life stories I've read. Like "The Boy Named IT." {{shudder}} He had it really really bad.

Wow this is an eye opener. My mother has done some of,the same things your father is doing. I am fortunate enough to have a brother "who can do no wrong" to deal with her but she too has slandered me and made up stories and lies. I will stay farrrrrrrr away from her. Thanks for your posts.

rovana: I agree with your comments regarding reconciling with a person if the other person has a sincere desire. However, even if there's a sincere desire on the part of the other person, there may be cases where it's unsafe or not feasible to reconcile or to only partly reconcile. I think that you have to look at the individual, the situation, and the risks that reconciliation could pose for you. If, in my phone conversation with my dad right after the AAG had threatened and accused me of the things my dad told them about me, he had shown anger and concern that the AAG had treated me like that, had been truthful in saying that he was feeling intimidated by 9 people coming to his apartment to question him and that because it made him so anxious he wasn't thinking clearly, even if he hadn't apologized to me, I would have believed that he truly didn't realize how his statements about me were being interpreted. He was almost 91 years old at the time and I can understand that he would have been feeling anxious and intimidated by these people. But even if he had shown remorse or had admitted that he wasn't thinking clearly, given that he would have already demonstrated and admitted to an inability to think clearly, I would still feel scared to totally reattach with him for fear that he would inadvertently say something about me that had no malicious intent but that he could state in such a way that it could be interpreted as my meddling and mentally abusing him. The thing with my dad is that for the past several years he has shown an insincerity at all levels. And the fact is that when I informed him of the AAG's exact threats and accusations, he didn't deny having told authorities any of those things and also minimized it all and basically blew me off. It was only after his stubborn refusal to give written permission to my mom's memory unit staff to allow me to continue to communicate with them and her and my telling him that without written permission that he would never again hear from me or see me that he showed any emotion and a little bit of concern Couple this with the fact that for the past 7 or so years he's been unable to tell me he loves me and has shown no love for me (as he used to) and that the only time he ever calls/knows me is when he has a problem or is begging me for financial assistance and he's given me a very clear message that he truly doesn't want to continue our relationship. He'd much rather get pity from his associates where he lives that he's a poor old man who no longer has family than to try to reach out to me. He's told others that he doesn't understand why I'm only writing and not calling, but has made no effort to ask me. I strongly suspect that he knows why and doesn't want to hear it from me. So, since his sincerity and interest in having a relationship with me aren't there, I have to ask the same questions as you posed, rovana: why reconcile and why make nice? This is the same reason why I never asked him why he stopped telling and showing me he loved me. From my perspective, if I have to point this out to someone then I'd be led to believe that any future expressions of love he'd make to me would be ONLY because I had pointed this out to him and not because he truly felt it--- i.e., it would be insincere. I'd rather have sincere expressions than to be paid lip service because I asked for it.

Your comments about child abuse are interesting. I want to read them more carefully and may have some comments, but not sure. I think bookluvr addressed your questions well, and especially so because these comments came from someone who has been a victim of child abuse.

Palmtrees1: It sounds like you're in a no-win situation between your mom lying and making slanderous remarks about you and her playing favorites with your brother. I would have to go with a question along the same lines as one that Rovana posed in one of her earlier posts: Why would you want to have anything to do with this nasty old lady? In my opinion, even if your mom is currently making her slanderous remarks and telling lies about you only to family members, neighbors or others who know both your mom and you and readily see through her and her statements for what they are, it's just a matter of time before she gets it into her head that you've done something terribly wrong to her and reports you to authorities or someone whose position requires them to report you to authorities. Given your no-win situation, I think you're smart to stay far away from your mom and let your brother completely take over her care and take responsibility for her. Step away and wash your hands of it all. As someone in an earlier post stated in regards to my dad, even if your mom apologized and promised to stop slandering and lying and you once again re-attached with her, it's likely that she'd start up again--- i.e., her promises would have been insincere and only for the purpose of manipulating and misleading you into re-attaching with her. This just isn't worth the potential risk to you. You're fortunate that you have a sibling who can completely take over responsibility for your mom's care. I haven't been as fortunate because my only sibling, a sister, who lived in the same city as my parents, passed away 22 years ago, at which time my parents updated their estate plan to name me as each of their successor POAs. Had my sister still been alive, and given that she lived in close proximity to my parents, she would have been right there to see and verify what was going on and to deal with it, instead of my having to do it from 1200 miles away and having to depend on the word of others. Also, had my sister still been alive and by virtue of her living in the same city as my parents, I doubt that any of the alleged abuse and other stuff would have happened because she would have assumed the duties as my mom's care manager without us having to use a middleman, as was necessary because I live 1200 miles away and because my dad refused to have my parents move to where I live when I suggested and encouraged it. My sister also would have been able to directly verify with her own eyes on an almost daily basis what my dad was doing (I only witnessed and could verify these things during visits to my parents and not on a daily basis). And while I highly doubt that my dad would have pulled the same crap on my sister as he has on me, my husband disagrees. He feels that whether or not there was a situation of alleged abuse on my mom, because my sister would have confronted my dad much more regularly and strongly than I could have, causing him to become very angry at her, he would have also slandered and lied about my sister and reported her to either authorities or people at his facility who, by law, have to report this stuff to authorities. In addition to you, other people posting to this thread who live in close proximity to their parent/parents have stated that their parents have pulled similar types of things on them. So, maybe my husband is right and it doesn't matter how far or close you live to your elderly parents.

If your mom asks why you have detached from her, you also need to be very, very careful of how you state it to either her or to your brother (and maybe others ) so it's not construed as a threat, accusation, intimidation, etc, etc. . There were many times in the few months after my mom's death where I wanted to tell my dad exactly why I was limiting communications to writing. He already knew that his statements to authorities were the reasons for the AAG's threats and accusations. But, given the precarious situation my dad has placed me in with that state's legal system, I couldn't find (and even now still haven't found) a way to state it such that it wouldn't come off as an accusation and cause him to report that I'm intimidating and scaring him. When I received an email from one of his associates, soon after my mom's death, telling me that he was telling others that he didn't understand why I wasn't phoning him (this is BS because of how recently the situation had occurred, my having spelled it all out for him so recently, and his having remembered and bringing up the situation recently at my mom's funeral), I thought about asking this associate to tell him the reasons since she was already aware of what had happened and my dad's part in it. But, I didn't think it was appropriate to involve her. I also thought about suggesting that she have my dad contact me to directly ask me why I wasn't phoning him, instead of asking others. But, knowing him as well as I do, I figured it was fruitless given of the likelihood of his not following through on the suggestion because he wouldn't get any mileage/pity rewards from it--- i.e., pity from others because his daughter isn't phoning him.
Also, in my early notes to him, I could have been more specific as to the reasons without directly blaming him--- e.g., “because of the AAG's threats and accusations of coercion, meddling, mental abuse, I'm now in a precarious situation that any of yours and my phone conversations could be misconstrued. With there being no witnesses to our conversation the AAG could once again threaten me and possibly even follow through by incarcerating me next time I go to visit you. So, it's safer for me to limit communications with you to writing letters which I can save on my computer.” Just about everybody I mentioned this to strongly discouraged me from doing it and to just let sleeping dogs lie because there was even too much risk in making this type of statement since my dad would know that I was indirectly accusing him and would likely be even more driven to report me. So, I've kept things very high level, giving him only enough information that he'll know what situation is putting me in a precarious position-- I haven't mentioned anything about the AAG or detective in my letters to him. In your mom's case, another approach you can take if/when she asks you directly or through your brother is to say nothing at all. In some situations, silence is more powerful than words. I've figured that by not phoning my dad and keeping my letters to him high level-- mainly talking about the weather and letting him know that everyone here is doing well-- the only accusation he can make about me is that I'm not phoning him. Any AAG or other authority who would go after that should realize that they wouldn't have any legal leg to stand on with that they'd only make complete fools out of themselves.

Basically, what your mom is doing with her slander and lies, just as with my dad, is betraying you. For your own self-respect, dignity, and integrity, don't allow yourself to be treated with this type of respect. Even though she's your parent, it doesn't give her the go ahead to treat you disrespectfully and to treat you like an adult (none of which my dad does). It's best for you to set some boundaries with your mom. Otherwise, you'll be living with the emotional scars of her unconscionable behavior for years. I wish I had set boundaries with my dad way earlier. Maybe I wouldn't now be trying to heal the emotional scars/injuries he's inflicted on me and maybe I wouldn't be seeking help from a mental health professional.

Palmtrees1: I noticed I have several typos in my above post and you probably already got the gist despite those types. But one statement I want to correct is this one in the last paragraph: "For your own self-respect, dignity, and integrity, don't allow yourself to be treated with this type of respect." I meant to say this type of "disrespect", instead of respect.

Yes!! Silence. Toss the conversational ball right back in their court. By refusing to explain, justify, etc. you in effect say I'm in charge and I am not going to engage in this conversation. I've found this very good because it does not leave any "wedge" to manipulate. They can hardly argue with you when you refuse to respond. Just silence. Actually, the person in charge does not have to answer to the peons, which is rude I know, but sometimes a justified power maneuver.

rr4terps - thanks for your comment on reconciliation. I surely agree with you - I did not mean to imply that anyone should be taken in by manipulation, etc. I would never consider your dad as being sincere - much too much evidence to the contrary. With this kind of back story I'd be very suspicious.

Rovana: Re: silence: well said. As you stated, arguments don't work too well when it's just one side arguing and the other side not responding, and is a powerful way to let the other party know that you're not interested in engaging with them. In terms of manipulation: It takes a lot of self-restraint/self control to remain silent and not react to the manipulation no matter how persistent the other person is. I look at it as putting on a suit of armor and letting the manipulation slide right off. Re: your comment about peons: I think that if the situation dictates it, it's not rude to not answer to them. In fact, I think the same holds true for those in positions of power above us. Just because someone is in a position of power,I think that there's no obligation to respond to or talk to them. That's the tack I took last year when I started receiving calls from the AG's office in my parents' city, apparently wanting to know which way I was going to testify in my mom's care manager's hearing. I felt I owed the AAG nothing given that she had refused to listen to my side of the story. My thought was, Now, all of a sudden she's interested in hearing what I have to say when it's for her benefit? No way I was doing that! After the 6th phone call (that AG's office kept calling me on both my land line and cellphone), I turned the matter over to my attorney who ordered them to stop calling me, and told the AAG she spoke with exactly what the other AAG had done. I think that even if an authority presented you with a warrant, you have the right to remain silent and could plead the 5th, along with your right to have an atty present.

Rovana: re: your 2nd comment about conciliation: I didn't take it that you were implying that anyone should be taken in by manipulation, insincerity, etc.