A quick background.
My oldest son was murdered and the trial wrapped up in September 2019 (1 1/2 yrs) we are almost done settling his estate.
My step son is battling stage 4 colon cancer.
I work a lot of hours. I have ulcerative colitis which has been in a non stop flare.
My brother lives out of state and has never helped with anything.
The last 2 yrs I have had caregivers in my moms home 4-5 hours a day.
Her health and mental capacity has diminished a lot in the last 6 months.
She started talking about all the people in the house that weren't there. Refusing to change and cleanup after having accidents.
A caregiver caught her going out the front door with her purse. She told the caregiver she had an appt. But couldn't remember where or for what?
I tricked her into an appt with a neurologist saying it was a yearly Medicare screening (thank you to those here that gave me the idea)
She failed all questions. She said the year was 2095 and her husband died over 50 yrs ago (he died in 2007) she couldn't remember what her phone # was (its been the same for 60 yrs) the list goes on and on.
The DX is dementia (surprise)
I was terrified she would get out at night and wander into traffic.
24/7 in home care was not even remotely something we could afford.
I made my brother come from out of state to deal with moving her. I have been so stressed. She will never be voted Mother of the year. She's a narcissist, never told me she loved me.....
Again thanks to you on this forum my brother told her that the house had to be fumigated for termites so she needed to go stay somewhere.
I had found a nice NH. Her room is massive with her own bathroom. As my brother got her out of the house I had movers waiting to move her entire living room and bed to her new place. We got her in just under the wire when the lock downs went into effect. Its been 2 weeks. I haven't contacted her mostly to save my sanity. I haven't had a break in 10 yrs and the last 2 have been brutal. Today she had the NH call my brother. She said she was missing me (insert extreme guilt) she said to my brother * I'm not in my home* he told her again her house was being sprayed and wasn't safe to go in.
I need to somehow prepare for talking to her. I'm not a monster I don't want her feeling alone. My health is more important right now.
Do I just keep telling her the house isn't ready? She's never going back there. Her dementia is to the point if you tell her something happened she believes it.
I also had kidney surgery 2 weeks ago. I've lost the last 10 yrs dealing with her nonstop. I'm in my 60's I need a break :(
I am now taking care of my husband and I have to remember over and over "I am dealing with an illness." "I am dealing with an illness." As far as your mom not being the Mom you needed before the dementia - do yourself a favor and forgive her. You will feel so much better.
Every person has faults and those closest to us usually sees them. My mom killed herself and left us 4 kids with an alcoholic dad. I didn't find out until years later as a teenager. I just couldn't believe she'ld left us with him. I also couldn't believe he didn't tell the hospital that she had swallowed all those aspirins.
So, I dealt with the pain by trying to take my own life. I lived with family in another state for six months and during that time my dad went into the hospital, quit drinking and straightened up his act.
Before I went home I understood the pain my Mom went through. I also understood what alcohol can do and the pain and guilt he lived with. I chose to forgive them both.
Now, my mind is flooded with good memories and the pain is gone. I know God tells us "Forgive others and I will forgive you." God also provides comfort and a peace that no one can take from you.
Your loss is enormous and you need to mourn the loss of your mom as well. The virus will work in your favor as you must isolate. You have a lot of support on this site. Continue to use it.
i think sometimes when that “call or visit” is in order, the longer people go without doing it the harder it becomes BUT she has memory loss. There’s no harm in manipulating the situation and pacifying her... for instance “ mom we spoke a day ago, I’m on bed rest remember?” You’ll probably repeat yourself depending on her condition and the staff will normally also pacify their patients also, “ yes Mrs. Smith they were here earlier this week/ oh yes you spoke with your kids this week over the phone” it’s harder on us than them in reality. The staff is there, trained to care for her physically and mentally so let them do their job. You need to rest and heal and get a break after 10 years and YES YOU EARNED IT!!!
I visit her most days and we sit by a window and talk on the phone. At first she would cry when she saw me but that has stopped. Each time I tell her it will be a few more weeks before she can go home, blaming it on the virus. This might be her permanent home now.
For myself, we did not give her back her cell phone and she has not asked for it. She was calling several times a day with complaints and nits about other residents or staff. Calling late at night with weird requests and comments. So it’s been a relief for me not to have to keep fielding those calls.
So yes, keep coming up with excuses for your mom and don’t feel guilty about it. She is safe and cared for by lots of people. They might not all be the best, but most of them are excellent, caring professionals.
Dealing with dementia is filled with so many ups and downs. You know you've done your best and if you need to make choices to make her as safe as you can - do it! Take time during this "staying in the house" time to relax. Good luck.