I am sure others have navigated this before, so tips welcomed.
THANKSGIVING. I live with and take care of Mom. Mom does not do well going out of the house. She gets very agitated when we get home, says "This is not our house," and, " Other people" have to be told we are in the house/or own the house now. Add walker banging and being told I am a "bit@h" for not leaving. I have talked to her doctor and medication has been prescribed. It helps but does not entirely work.
So, last week I get an email from a travel site. Reservations have been made at an area hotel. I am a little confused, but a text comes from my brother in Tennessee. He and his family is arriving the day before Thanksgiving. They are staying at a hotel because my SIL is allergic to the cats. he wants to go out to dinner to minimize fuss. Nobody discussed this with us.
I asked my brother about my sister. He said he had not talked to her. So, surprise! She texts the next day, telling me which rooms she and my niece will stay in and my niece's dog will accompany them, so the cats have to be penned.
This was not discussed.
Oh, and dinner will be at home.
HOW do you all manage relatives descending? If I sound peeved, I am. Both siblings are free with advice/orders from their homes.
I just want a good Thanksgiving for mom.
" You can see that mom doesn't do well with this upset in her routine; let's talk about what to do for the next holiday now so we don't have to wait until the last minute to make plans".
She does not know (or is forgetting intentionally) that the dogs are coming. My cats will be safe in my room, but I know they will be stressed.
And I will be cooking. Mom will like a big dinner and with most of the trimmings. My plan (the gourmets here can cover their eyes) is to do most of the dishes Tuesday and refrigerate or freeze. I will set table and do final housecleaning Wednesday. I also informed football-mad sibs that I dropped Directv so it is over-the-air for football. Already heard small squeals.
That leaves the turkey (18 lbs) for Thursday. And dinner is going to be early afternoon. Mom usually has dinner around 3 p.m. so that keeps her mostly on schedule.
IN odd moments am trying to come up with a list of things out of the house they can do. The outlet mall does big Black Friday, and an area dairy bar is going to be on national tv. Suggestions welcome.
Pray that things get calmer for you.
If that's what you WANT to do, that's just fine. But I'd like you to think ahead to Christmas and to next holiday season.
What does a GOOD FOR MOM holiday meal look like for mom? It probably has to do with pre-planning by you and siblings together.
Mom is upset because YOU are upset. Figure out how to avoid the upset. And move on from there.
No snark. I am genuinely asking.
It sounds like every possible scenario will lead to some sort of Mom Meltdown. If I am correct, then choose the scenario that works best for YOU.
And sadly, your siblings probably won’t learn anything from this Thanksgiving - no matter how it turns out. Won’t gain any appreciation for what you manage every day.
They might learn that their dogs are not welcome next year. But only if you tell them!
Thanksgiving is weird. So much noise about one particular meal on one particular day. And the insulting presumption that it’s a 4-day weekend for everyone.
Good luck!
If I were in your shoes, I'd book myself a little getaway while they are there and let them do ALL the caregiving. I would absolutely do this.
you dont have to feel indignation on the behalf of the cats . cats invented the concept .
out local vet clinic put up a humorous sign a few months ago .
" if cats could text you back -- they WOULDNT " .
If the matter is actually how to say NO, some good advice has been given for the future.
Period.
No other explanations necessary.
I do not take well to being told who's coming to stay with me, what rooms they will be using, and what will need to be done with my pets. Or that they will be bringing their pets.
Unfortunately, that just doesn't work for me.
Good luck! Hope you (and all of us) can get thru The Holidays this year with our sanity still intact.
Sigh.
Not much else needs to be said.
The movies or staying with brother and his family sound wonderful, even splendiferous. But it will cause more trouble than it is worth. Can hear sister now. And family upset upsets Mom. She already "lost" her expen$ive hearing aids today, something she does when upset. They were found (bless the aide) but a fast trip to the hearing aid place was needed to repair one. And to order a new earpiece.
I got a turkey on sale and most of the stuff needed for dinner. I have silver polish, etc.
Yes, I still resent being descended on. My bad attitude, I guess. Yes, my brother was trying to do right. But someone else had to stick oar in.
The cats will be in my room with box, etc. I just found out that brother's nearly blind and deaf old dog is also coming as will another niece's puppy. I know from previous visits that brother's dog does not like our dog. Do not know how she will react to other dogs.
Pray.
Hoping you will return to tell us all about the actual day of descent.
Hope your Thanksgiving is happy!
At my house, I don’t give a hoot and it bothers my mom tremendously!
To the point that she refuses her invitation for Thanksgiving dinner.
Doesn’t she know how much I was looking forward to having the house to myself?
Darn! Can’t win even a couple hours to myself.
charlotte
Seriously though I can relate for Christmas. Your brother's approach of a hotel & resturant is good but I think those who don't live with you & Mum just don't get it - don't know how hard to go out etc. I would get on the phone & just tell it how it is. Or if they'd bulldoze you by phone, txt/email.
"I'd love to see you all. We will have to adapt to what's going to work for everybody though - especially Mother".
Special needs (age, etc) are just that, *special* & need to be the priority.
And YOUR cats get to stay - I am insulted for them!
ok ... Tell sister with dog, dog has to be muzzled around the house because cats are not used to dog.
Actually, cats will do fine if they are confiined in an area for a couple days... So, make a home for them in your bedroom, catbox and all.... Water, food, etc...
Make sure they bring the poop bags for dog, because once your cats get out, they do not want to go in their backyard and step in dog poop... Yeah, like that really happens, cats are too smart.
Do go out to dinner to minimze fuss! Less work for sure.., and tell them they can bring mom home when they feel like it. AND DON'T FORGET YOUR MANNERS.. THANK THEM FOR DINNER AND LEAVE.
You will have coffee and donuts ready in the AM if they can pop a Benadryl to spend a few minutes at home with MOm and you.
Make sure cats have a place high enough or they can jump that high in case dog gets into that room.
Even better, start looking for DOGGY DAY CARE !!! SEnd them the information about the local DOGGY DAY CARE.
A N D . . . . . Thanksgiving in D E C E M B E R !!!
I am enjoying this question Foley. Humor is to lighten up, and hopefully it is not at your expense. You are justified in being shocked by your siblings.
Just to test out family dysfunctions, I emailed a family member asking if she has Thanksgiving plans, and would she like to include us and a visit?
She replied already.....
"That sounds fun!" "Maybe in December" "I will keep you posted".
Mwah ha ha ha. Yes, this really happened. True that!
I have given up a long time ago. Told DH not traveling 12 to18 hrs to visit either of his brothers until they take the time to visit us.
I would reply with an email announcing Mom and you will be celebrating Thanksgiving with a catered meal at 1:00p(?), since Mom enjoys neither restaurants nor late meals anymore. Then ask your brother if he would like to pick up the meal on his way over. Most catered meals include the turkey or ham and basic meal choices (mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, rolls); you can add a couple of family favorites for a really nice meal with a minimum effort.
I would consider letting your sister and niece pen the cats (moving the litter box and crates) when they arrive and freeing them prior to leaving. I would probably be informing them of which rooms they could use. Assuming your sister has stayed with you during previous holiday visits, she probably thinks you expected her to stay this time around too. I know you are ticked and I agree you have a right to be; however, you probably don't want to have a big argument over it. You could thank your brother (in your sister's presence) for being so considerate helping out by staying at the hotel and purchasing the catered meal so you didn't have to work so hard on the holiday.
Your response it a wonderful one...
I CHOOSE TNTechie as the right response to this situation...
What you need to do is have brother and sister talk to each other. Let them hash out TG plans. Explaining that Mom does not do well out of the house. Maybe sister will change her mind and eat out. Maybe Mom will do well eating out with family. My Mom surprised me when we ate TG out and we had to wait to be seated. I sat her near my brother and let him and his wife do for her.
If you have one of the rooms sister picked then tell her sorry, thats my room so u need to use this one.
We did Bob Evans a couple of years back. My SIL didn't think a 8 people meal was enough so we ordered an xtra 4. We didn't need the 4. It was great and DH thinks we could do it again.
It is wonderful that your family wants to get together for Thanksgiving.
Consider that you are "discussing" the plans now with them, by e-mails, since you were not consulted in advance. Just because their plans are delivered to you rudely, does not make it a real plan unless your input is accepted.
I could be called "enabling", but I just want you to have a good Thanksgiving too! So, I am going to suggest a solution, based upon what I have read so far.
It would be helpful to know what you and your family has done in the past to get together, prior to Mom's decline? What were your plans, if any, and what would you like to see happen? And, if family has traditionally gathered at Mom's, consider that yes, they are "clueless" and missing that tradition.
Here is your response to their offers to visit:
Dear brother and sister:
So happy to hear that you are coming for Thanksgiving! I have discussed your visit with Mom. We will be serving sandwiches from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. that day.
Other than that, you are welcome to bring any food pre-cooked and ready to serve. We cannot attend a restaurant event however. We will be home, as we are everyday since Mom's decline.
There will be no dogs, as we cannot accommodate them nor can we pen the cats. Sincerely hope (niece) can find a place to board her dog, because I would love to see her!
You may choose to stay with brother at this hotel:...
Looking forward to seeing you all on Thanksgiving!
Love, Sis
Foley, what do you feel about overnight with sister and niece at your house?
Will that work if she does not bring her dog? Are you experiencing any burnout? If so, you stay at the hotel and sister and niece can stay at the house overnight? Go out for some fun with brother and his wife?
Hoping if you state your needs and preferences (or rules), that they will still come, and it could be a better day. At the very least, they will see for themselves your Mom. A chance does exist that Mom will be on her best behaviors, or even "show-timing", and no one will learn anything, and go on their merry ways.
imo.
Hope the OP uses your speech - definately in need of setting some boundaries.
This year is going to be quiet for me. I can already tell.
good luck and hope things work out.
Maybe brother can pay for them?
As for your sister.... Are you saying she is expecting to stay with you? I love Barb's response "oh, I couldn't possibly do THAT", I would tell her where brother is staying and urge her to hurry to see if there are still rooms free so she doesn't miss out.
You make Thanksgiving comfortable according to your liking. All you can do is offer a few suggestions, then let them figure it out. It’s so hard getting everyone to agree on something. There has to be some sort of compromise.
Holidays can become so stressful! Nip it in the bud by telling them your plans and do as you wish. They can do as they wish. None of us have the power to change anyone else.
If they propose anything inconvenient say " oh, I couldn't possibly do THAT".
I'll be in touch for a similar speech for my lot for xmas... ;)