Thanksgiving; HOW do you all manage relatives descending?

Boundaries. Text from your brother should’ve been addressed immediately, but for goodness sake why would you allow the sisters request? Deal with them both now.

Since their preferred method of correspondence is non-vocal, reply by same to each--a group e-mail (I assume sis who texts has e-mail?). Personally, what I'd do: For the ones staying at public lodging, ask them to drop in for an hour or a few, any time of the day, whether coordinated or not (if you think your mom would like big numbers). Second, I'd discourage anything related to cooking, major sit-down brou-ha-ha, noise, and time sink of prep, serve, clean . . . Mom can only go for about 3-4 hours. For my mom, a restaurant dinner is a major push--although she likes the idea. Problem is, the sibs (30 years younger) and their spouses all have different ideas of type of restaurant, cost, waiting for a table at the bar--none of them ever occurred to remotely think from my mom's perspective--they didn't live with her, won't communicate with me about her well-being and also lack any sensitivity. For the sis who announced that she and her daughter and dogs were coming--hoo boy! She's REALLY clueless (I've got 2). If it's not too late, say/text/e-mail that you've been thinking about it: The dogs would stress the cats out--which would stress mom out/so sorry, wish they could come, but . . . --pretty tidy. Maybe sis means well and truly thinks mom's going to be excited to see her & her granddaughter. If you've got room, offer a bedroom &/or couch for 2-3 nights, but "sorry, love the dogs but . . . " That house is home for you, your mom, and the cats (regardless who's on the title)

Astonishing how cumulatively all these adults seem to have such a lack of sensitivity--for you and your mom both : ( I have this exact situation, and have had 4-5 holiday seasons with every bit of it, so I've got some streed cred here.

Be strong, and I hope YOU enjoy the holiday. xoxoxo

When mom was living here she tried to guilt me into doing the holidays forever!

I said that I had enough. Well, sure enough my brothers called her, not me, mind you it’s my house that we paid for, thank you very much, and asked her what time was dinner?

She tells them to hold on and asked me, what time was dinner? I looked at her like she had two heads and said, “Mom, we discussed this and my answer is the same! No more holiday dinners except for you, my husband and my kids!”

The world did not end! She was upset! She tried to me feel guilty. Then said I was right. Don’t think she meant it but it was a half a** attempt anyway.

Don’t think they ever forgave me for not cooking for three days, all their favorites, no less. I was crazy to do it because I wasn’t appreciated for it. I allowed myself to be taken for granted.

I told her that when grandma couldn’t do it anymore that she took over. I took over for her and that there was no one to take over for me so it was over!

My SIL wasn’t going to do it! She never lifted a finger to help me. She’s wife number four. She’s going to be the last one, I’m sure. My brother isn’t young or healthy enough anymore to run around on her like he did the other three. Of course, she was cheating with him while he was with wife number 3, wife number three cheated with him on wife number 2. I swear my brother’s life is like a freakin soap opera! Hope mom is happy there!

Talk about karma. Now she has a guy pushing 70, along with his 94 year old mother. She’s younger than his children. My kids asked his kids if they were going to call her mom! Hahaha 😂

His first wife was my friend from school. We are still friends. She is the mother of his children. The second wife met him after they divorced. He cheated on all of them but acts like he is holier than God!

Maybe I could get a side gig writing soap opera scripts based on my family, huh? LOL

Most of the family always gathers at my sister's house for big holidays. Different family members do all the cooking, signing up by email what they will be doing. We are from out of state and stop at a grocery store in town to bring something that doesn't require cooking, like an appetizer or dessert. I don't do any cooking, but I help set up the tables and do clean-up. My sister doesn't have to do anything except let us come to her house. We have had as many as 40 people at once and it works out remarkably well.

It may be one/both actually listened to what you've said about how confused she gets when she leaves the house. So, if that could be the case, appreciate it and then send your own email addressed to both of them: So glad that you will be visiting for the holidays. As I understand it, brother and his family are staying at X hotel and sis/niece will be spending the night with us. Sis, you mentioned bringing the dog, however with the cats we have here, it may be better if you leave doggie with a veterinarian/kennel or bring a kennel to contain him while he is here. Also, since you will be here prior to the holiday,sis, it will be nice to have you and niecie help me in cleaning up and preparing whatever we need to cook here. And, brother, if you and your wife could help us out after the meal to clean up, pack up, and wash up after the meal, I will be able to tend to mom.

The holidays can be overwhelming, but since they agreed to come - then you also have the opportunity to iron out a few details. Don't spend the next couple of weeks fuming over it and getting yourself frazzled - ASK for the help you need to pull it off...and by ask, I mean be specific about what you want and lay it out there. (As for your cats, since you know sis-in-law has allergies, relocate them to a bedroom a night or so before and add vacuum/dust to sis/niece list when they get there. Or hire someone to come in day before to do it)

Wow! I, too, experienced this - with 2 different groups of relatives. I was living and caring for my mother out of state (had left my life, home, family, pets behind and moved in with my late mother) 7 states away from mine. These people said "We're coming to visit." [insert - they had no clue that I was having to live there and that was because my mother nearing the EOL]. I said to them - "You should have visited my mother when she was younger as she is now 94 years of age and why I am living here, is that she is almost passing out daily." Not to mention that she was legally blind, had A-fib, CHF and arthritis. Well, the 2 groups of people still came as they did not want to listen.
So I understand how you're feeling. I was in no mood to entertain these people, but was left with no choice. Perhaps you can tell them if all of them pitch in, you can get an on-the-cheap caterer (say Boston Market). Make it as easy on yourself as possible since they insist on coming.

Simply don't-- now would be a good time for a weekend trip to an assisted living facility for a respite and let them serve you and your mom Thanksgiving--
The day before you leave for wherever -- leave you Bro and family a emails saying the doctor has recommended this because your Mom has to be exposed to the next phase of her life. Then hit the road and let the thoughtless family stew in its own juices. have a friend look in on the cats and feed them while you two are gone for 3 days... this was how we got our Mom in a place to help her and protect her. Tonight she died over there surrounded by 2 of the 4 sibs, my sister and i. And she died with a peace that passes all understanding. Thank God.

Your question really hit a nerve with folks. I've been thinking about it too.

You are still in the old tradition of a big family get-together. Same as my family - they expect it. But sounds like it is getting too hard on your Mother & too hard on you (the one host). What alternatives are there if this no longer works? If not this year, next year.

Going out? Also getting too hard. Staying in with catering? Still too big, noisy, too much cleaning up, exhusting for you.

I'd suggest staying in but with LIMITS. Smaller groups, shorter time frame eg: Sister & co for lunch, Brother & co for lunch following day. One visit in daytime. Evenings no visitors - just unwind.

I've tried to suggest this with mine but the out-of-towners just don't get it. Don't see the effects of the bigger crowd & noise - the meltdown after. So I've had to TELL them. You are invited AT THIS TIME & you need to leave by THIS TIME. Hard to do if staying with you, but I would clearly the invite is for lunch & casually mention dinner is tinned soup & toast.

Best of luck.

i went to chicago on christmas one year to help my son with his truck brakes . the evening trip back was on snow covered ice and the conditions were as bad as ive ever seen . the traffic was bumper to bumper for 130 miles and stayed that way until i broke off at my own rural driveway . i was shocked that people indulged in such death defying behavior all because of social ' conditioning ' . risk your families lives to be with your family on a particular day .

i think its utterly ridiculous .

Hi FoleyDaughter,
We have an almost 13yr old child with special needs. I'll tell you how we handle family surprises. I also was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ, three and a half years ago.
There have been times where others have tried to dictate to us how a holiday was going to be handled without any consideration for our daughter. Our daughter has a rare genetic disease in which she can not process protein and may only have 15 grams of protein each day. She needs to eat 5x a day, and several medications throughout each day. Sometimes, people who have even known us for a long time refuse to accept that she has to be kept on this tight a schedule, and how hard it is to feed her when not at home. Our rigidity in her routine has kept her thriving and alive when many other children with this disease don't live very long.
The point I'm trying to drive at is, you must look out for yourselves and don't feel like you have to apologize for it. I'd tell them all, thank you for being interested in visiting, but we've made other plans. Perhaps we can plan something out for next Thanksgiving when things may be convenient for all of us. I believe you are doing the heavy lifting. I wouldn't let the rest of the family steamroll me.

Perhaps coming from a different perspective, but I would be very happy to have my whole family together for Thanksgiving.

That is stressful. I might consider writing a message about the problems your having. Maybe an email something where you can write out your concerns and problems to them. Although, I must admit I wish I had that problem. I expect my mother and I will get many invitations this year even though I’ve explained she is bed bound unless and hopefully she will make progress. Since she’s been sick I’ve only seen one relative a couple of times. There were times I was at the hospital and because of adverse reactions and things I didn’t feel safe leaving mom unattended while some doctors were around. I begged for help as I was working full time as well. Finally took leave for a few weeks. We’ve ordered a new stove, but also have an older, let’s say beat up house even though we’ve made extensive improvements. I’m saddened that I don’t know that we’ll see any family this year. Some families will respond to my letter explaining help you need or requesting better coordination, might be the word. Mine have constantly told me since I’m 33 and single and they have responsibilities. It makes it worse when they don’t see or talk to my mom. It’s a blessing that my moms health is physical only and not cognitive. Prayers for you as I know when people thrust upon you or when in my case they don’t, it creates a stress unlike much else. I used to be a teacher, so I know stress.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/12/reader-center/thanksgiving-cooking-with-alison-roman.html

Something to think about.

Sometimes I just can’t help myself, I will answer a ridiculous request with a ridiculous answer.

You could be a smart a** and say. “I am terribly sorry. I have jury duty and it’s impossible for me to get out of it. By the way, I will need you to cook the holiday meal and stay with mom. Who knows how long the trial will last? So plan on staying awhile! Thanks so much for your help.”

Or how about, “Mom has developed a severe allergy to turkey so we are serving liver and onions for dinner. She loves it! Could you please pick up 24 lbs of liver and 6 bags of onions? Oh and she has requested pigs feet for an appetizer and cabbage and turnips for the side dishes. No deserts because she doesn’t want the extra calories.”

This is why I’ve come to despise holidays. Family members that do nothing to help all year long and have no idea what the day-to-day stuff is like want to show up and have their Norman Rockwell moment. Earlier in my caregiving, I used it as a time to get out of the house and spend time with friends. Then for several years I tried to play the game out of respect for the fact that it mattered to my father. This year, however, the answer was, “no.” There will be no holiday celebrating and visits are limited to Dad’s tolerance which is honestly only about 15 minutes on a good day. They seem to want to make up for the lack of doing anything the rest of the year with these holidays. But dad can’t handle it and I refuse to assuage their guilt at his expense. They can hate me a little more than they already do. It’ll give them something to talk about cause I doubt it’ll give them something to think about.

Those who are not caregivers don't have a clue that changing the routine of someone with dementia is very upsetting to them.  They don't understand how hard it is to take them anywhere and what is involved just to get them ready.  They are also not there after an event or outing to deal with the fallout.  There is only one way to be with your siblings and that is open, honest and firm.

Explain to them that you are not taking mom out to dinner and why.  Explain to them why they can't bring their animals into the home.  Tell them you would love for them to spend Thanksgiving with you and mom but the only way that will work is if they order and pick up a ready made meal from Cracker Barrel on their way over without their pets in tow. 

You know what you can handle and what is best for your mom.  Stand up for yourself.  Explain that you're not trying to be an ass, but If they don't like it, they can start taking care of mom so that they can get a better perspective of the situation.  Things have changed with what your mom can handle.  Your siblings are adults and they can handle the truth.  Explain that she can have a good day, but it has to be on her terms, not theirs!

foleydaughter - what did you decide to do about this?

Foleydaughter has answered what she will do, pages back.
She says:
"And I will be cooking. Mom will like a big dinner and with most of the trimmings. My plan (the gourmets here can cover their eyes) is to do most of the dishes Tuesday and refrigerate or freeze. I will set table and do final housecleaning Wednesday. I also informed football-mad sibs that I dropped Directv so it is over-the-air for football. Already heard small squeals.
That leaves the turkey (18 lbs) for Thursday. And dinner is going to be early afternoon. Mom usually has dinner around 3 p.m. so that keeps her mostly on schedule.
IN odd moments am trying to come up with a list of things out of the house they can do. The outlet mall does big Black Friday, and an area dairy bar is going to be on national tv. Suggestions welcome."

I am telling you. This is a very simple fix. Just quit! Just quit cooking holiday dinners. She boxed herself in this year but next year she needs to refuse cooking a holiday meal.

I kept trying to tell myself that I needed to continue cooking for my family. I was completely miserable. It would cost me close to $1000 to feed everyone and buy enough liquor, beer and wine for the drinkers.

I always had a house full of people because some relatives would bring other uninvited guests.

It was horrible. I would have a splitting headache after it was all over.

One day while waiting in line at the meat counter in Whole Foods, I said to the woman next to me in exasperation that I wished that I didn’t have to cook another big holiday meal. She said back to me, “Just quit!” I said but no one else will offer to do it. She said, “So what?” I never forgot her answer!

I thought about it. She looked so happy amongst all of other crazy people like me cooking that year. I said to her, “I really love your answer! You were very clear. No nonsense. No BS! This will be my last year of holiday cooking. I will quit!” She told me after she quit that she never regretted it. Nor have I. Quit! You will feel liberated.

I am a great cook. That was another problem. Hahaha, I should have made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, hot dogs, any ordinary food, so they would not have returned. Then have a nice holiday meal without them the next day!

One of the most annoying things to me was my brother and I never really liked each other or got along. I was extremely close with his children and still adore his kids.

My nephews are well adjusted with families of their own. They don’t even get along with my brother. The only person that loves my brother is my mom. I guess wife number four loves him. God knows why? LOL

Anyway, when I served wonderful holiday meals he would turn to my husband afterwards and thank him instead of me.

My husband would promptly tell him to thank me because I cooked the meal. My brother would painfully thank me.

Everyone could see that it actually pained him to thank me even though he ate three servings of my dinner!

Well the last thanksgiving dinner that I cooked my brother proceeds to tell me that his wife didn’t care for turkey.

My mother loves turkey, so do the rest of us. I make a fabulous turkey, never frozen, always fresh from Whole Foods or Fresh Market! I know how to roast a turkey with delicious gravy.

I cook a traditional thanksgiving dinner, TURKEY with all the trimmings! He said that his wife prefers the ham like I did at Easter. I couldn’t believe their gall!

He wanted me to serve a ham and turkey on thanksgiving. I quickly informed him that I had no intention of changing my menu and I had plenty of appetizers, side dishes and desserts, that no one would starve and it was impolite to tell a hostess what to cook and they could always go to a restaurant if the wanted to order off a menu! I gave them names of restaurants that cook thanksgiving dinner!

My other sister in law before she divorced the other brother asked for my roast beef that I cook for Christmas dinner to be served at Easter along with my traditional ham dinner that I do.

In other words, they wanted me to serve my delicious roast beef, turkey and ham for every meal! They weren’t cooking anything. They weren’t spending a fortune! They were all idiots!

I said to all of them in a calm tone with a smile on my face that this was my home, not a restaurant! There was dead silence in the room.

I still think they felt no remorse for their comments. I truly believe they expected me to say in a meek tone that I would fix whatever their hearts desired.

Their wives couldn’t cook! Once I asked my SIL to bring a dessert and she brought instant vanilla pudding! Considering that she is younger than his sons maybe she still has immature taste. Hahaha

My husband said to me if you need extra desserts I will make them or purchase something else. My skinny husband has a sweet tooth that goes down to his toes!

So yeah, my certifiably crazy family deserved to be cut off! Now you can see why I QUIT cooking dinner for my nutty family a few years back. I never regretted stopping it either. I had peaceful holidays after that with just immediate family.

Since mom is living there now, God knows what she will eat for the upcoming holiday meals! Too bad.

As for me, I am truly going to enjoy our finest New Orleans restaurants cooking for me!

No more cooking and cleaning for me! I did so many years of that. I am officially retired from cooking giant holiday meals. My kids are fine with going out. I cook plenty throughout the year that we enjoy.

NHWM, I'm imaging that your mom is going to go on and on about what great Thanksgiving meals you made, much to your brother's chagrin. The grass is always greener.

This year, we AREN'T dealing with relatives just descending on us. Just not. Last year, at 8 am on Thanksgiving morning, mom had an episode at her facility, ambulance was called, etc. That time they didn't take her to the hospital, as it was a combination of anxiety and low blood sugar, which the low blood sugar was able to be quickly corrected.

So, went up there, came back home afterwards to get the kids ready, as we had told mom we were coming back at lunchtime to eat the Thanksgiving meal with her, then take her to the movies with us. Our day was planned, or so we thought.

As we were getting ready, my brother in law, his wife and their 3 kids showed up at our door from out of state to "surprise" us with their presence over the whole 4 day weekend (they didn't leave until Sunday afternoon). We went ahead and made it work last time, but my husband did tell his brother that in the future they will need to call and not just show up. Even after we hosted them for the whole weekend, they are still mad at us a year later for having the audacity to have plans last year and for telling them to call before just showing up. Oh well.

This has been one heck of a year, especially with mom's passing in February. I ordered a turkey dinner for next week from a local grocery to be picked up and we are planning on a quiet Thanksgiving at home, just us and the kids. I want to actually be able to relax this time. Unexpected house guests for the weekend are out of the question.

Frazzled,

Enjoy your day with your family. You deserve it!

I enjoy cooking and hosting - just not for family. Dinner guests are appreciative and contribute their part in good conversation. Why does family think they are entitled to complain about the food, get mad that, no, we don't plan on watching the game on TV, and no - sorry - I'm not boxing up the rest of the leftovers for you? Add on top some young ones who just look at their phones, are vegetarian, gluten free, vegan, no-dairy, no sugar - and get mad that I don't cater the ENTIRE meal around their issues. Nor do they bring anything.

So last year when family asked "what time" I said - nope. My husband, son, and I had had enough of family dynamics with my dad's passing two weeks prior. We went out of town to a cabin at Lake Superior. I cooked a traditional dinner with their help. We did a lot of cold hiking and enjoyed board games in the evening. We are doing the same this year.

Oh, and we are called selfish. But when I suggested that someone else host..... lost of back pedaling.

I will just enjoy hosting friends.

I don't know. Count to 100 and if that doesn't work drink copious amounts of alcohol?

I'm joking, (kind of) but truly I've gotten to the point that I try not to think about family get- together's until the very last minute and then just grin and try to bear it. It's either that or put out a restraining order on my whole family. :)

I would say put your foot down. What's best for mom goes.... period. They don't like it they can stay home. You are the one caring for mom and will be left to deal with the fallout after they leave town. Foot down!!