My mom has lived with my husband and I for two years. I have treasures this time with her and we are very close. My husband and I have only been married for three years and still feel like newlyweds. He travels a lot for work and would like for me to come with once in awhile but that's very difficult unless we move Mom to a Respite Care facility. We've lost our ability to be spontaneous. To be honest, I feel like I'm in the middle of my Mom and my husband. He has been so patient but he's really wants to have our lives back. And if and when we do move Mom I will still be taking her to doctor apts. and handling all of her affairs so it's still caregiving but not 24/7. My Mom is very tight with money and wants her inheritance to go to my two brothers and I but we've told her it's her money and she should spend it. She has enough to cover maybe five years in a nursing home. This upsets my husband tremendously because he feels like he's being used. My mom lives here with us for free so she can give her money to us kids when she's gone. I'm looking for advice as to what/how we should say to her. She's going to be crushed and I'm just dreading the conversation. And since she has experienced Nursing homes this past couple of years when either we're out of town or she's been in Rehab, we know she won't get the level of care I give her each and everyday. Sadly these homes are all understaffed. Any advice would be great, thanks!
Even though she may not like it, if she she can't stay with you, she can't stay. You can get creative in how you get her into a place, but, with my situation I relied on the doctor. Her doctor said she had to go into AL. Does she need help that you can't provide?
But, if the doctor won't do that, I'd come up with a reason to go and visit a place and if it's acceptable, arrange for her to go with you for lunch or to a social event. Some places have nightly live music after dinner. It's rather lively and very nice. You might say a friend was playing in the band or you know, some reason you wanted to attend. If she sees all the others have such fun, she might not be so opposed when you explain she would be better suited there. Try to make it an adventure, but I'd stay firm.
So I don't know if bringing in Caregivers to your home, with Mom paying for them, would be a good starting point. You can tell her that at your age you don't have the energy thus YOU, yourself, need help. When my Dad noticed how much the Caregivers were per month, he wanted to to cut cost, so he asked me about the cost of senior living.
Independent Living was more affordable plus he was able to bring one of his caregivers to be with him all morning. He just loved his 2 bedroom apartment which had a full kitchen. And he liked being around people closer to his age, who were also using walkers :) For my Dad, it was the money that was the driving issue, similar to your Mom.