I come from a large family; six brothers and one living sister. For the past 2-3 years, we've been getting together for the holidays at a church in my parent's hometown. We try to take all of the stress away from my parents by telling them no gifts, we will take care of all the food, etc. but I feel my parents are still getting pretty stressed out.
I live 2 1/2 hours away and am a teacher, so I am able to spend a couple of days at my parents' house around the holidays. I do have 2 cats, so I can't be gone longer than that.
What I'm seeing is that I don't think my parents are really enjoying themselves. My dad is hard of hearing and having so many people around (about 35 when all of the grandchildren are included) is hard on him. My mom gets so confused because she cannot remember anything, even if it is written down and put on the fridge. She is still trying to buy gifts and cook but she can't remember what she bought, can't remember she made a list (actually she had 3 lists going at Thanksgiving, but couldn't remember she had one in her hand :) and can't remember how to make even familiar recipes that are written down. Telling her no gifts and we'll take care of all the food has no effect on her, because she can't remember that we told her that!
Anyway, my question is....should I step up and tell my brothers and sister that we cannot have an extended family celebration anymore? My mom hides her frustration pretty well when everyone is together, but I see it during the days I am there.
We all meet at my parent's house and eat, take pictures, talk and have a great time. There's never any problem with that.
Our tradition has been to open gifts afterwards, but it's just too much. Not everyone wants to draw names and some have stopped the gift giving. My idea was to get something reasonable just for the young kids. It's fun to watch them open their gifts. We'll see next year if she makes good on her promise.
So am I doing a party this year? No. I told everyone very early this year, after Mom fell and cut her head open, triggering a downhill slide of medical issues that landed her in the NH - no family party this year. No one helps with the expense except to contribute a bit towards the rental of the hall we use for the party. I buy all the decor, the meats for the potluck, bring a couple extra dishes to fill in for missing items, supply all the stuff for the games, including prizes, etc. It's very expensive - but I did it because several of my relatives were not in a position to bring gifts for a gift exchange and I thought it was a nice way to give them something to open for themselves, when they were struggling to get their kids' gifts. We always had a good time...but I just can't swing it this year. There's no way. Plus it's becoming a real struggle for mom to be transported out of the nursing home, and her incontinence issues are a serious problem as well. So I simply told them no party.
I say just say no, if you can't do it or feel your parents can't handle it. Speak for them if you feel it's too much for them (or you) to deal with. I guess as I get older and have been a caregiver for a few years, I'm learning to say "no" more and more.
Real life is not like the set of a professionally styled photo shoot.
I just hope that when people come over, the toilets are flushed and the house doesn't smell funny. (I have teenagers.)
The fantasy for your sister is hers. She probably has no idea that it makes others feel bad. It's to make her feel good. "See, I'm holding up just fine!"
Well not one of those moochers have invited Mom to their house in the last 3 yrs..
Also they can't find the time now to visit..
Glad I stopped it..
I don't know how many Christmases my Mom and elderly in-laws have left but it's all just getting too much. I, too, worked in retail for 10 years and I have to say people are just getting more and more rude and demanding. Between the traffic nightmares and pushing and shoving of people to buy more "things", short-tempered jerks cutting you off in traffic, fighting for parking spots at the shopping plazas/malls, etc., January 1st can't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned. The true meaning of Christmas is gone.
I think at this point my sister and I agree that after Mom passes, the gift giving/exchanging "extravaganza" is OVER. It's getting ridiculous. My parents were born in the depression and were raised to NEVER throw anything away or donate it because "you may need it someday." Hence, they passed that trait down and now my sister's/niece's house is jammed packed full of clutter. They also have 3 cats roaming around their small home, too. There's not an inch of counter space as it's all full of clutter. I, too, am ashamed to admit have some clutter issues, too. But I've recognized it and am determined to do something about it. I've begged her this year to PLEASE not get me anything. I don't NEED anything. If she insists, give me something consumable (like a small coffee shop gift card). I don't want or need ANY chotchkeys, nicknacks, dust collectors or any more "stuff". I am on a mission to pare down and donate, donate, donate. It's cathartic, really.
I have a SIL like that. She has always hosted the "Christmas Eve" party with hubby's side of the family.I always felt so shabby--not personally, but that I was somehow sub-standard for not LOVING Christmas. I finally realized that it's a personal thing--their family "blows it all out" for Christmas--then winds up scrambling for a way to pay for everything the next couple of months. That, to me is sad. She's a lovely person, just has different desires for holidays. I don't even get out the china for Christmas brunch (13 grandkids, would you? Paper plates, all the way!)
Every year we let go of some old tradition, and take on a new one, or try to. We have kids out of town and must be flexible, year to year. My hubby does zero shopping, I know in fact he has bought me nothing, and probably won't. I buy myself a couple of fun things, wrap them up and put them under the tree. I usually forget what I wrapped, so it's funny.
We keep the Christmas party alive for Mother. As I've said, she NEEDS nothing, but she'll get a ton of junk. Nobody else exchanges gifts (thank heavens!). This is the last party of this type and I, for one, am thrilled.
I reserved my church building for the family party for the 26th. A woman in my 'church family' passed away on Sunday. Her funeral and the dinner for the family after the burial are at the church I had reserved, on the 26th. In our "rules", a funeral supercedes all other events, except maybe a wedding reception. So, my family party is likely not to happen. The family has the use of the building from 8 am until 10 pm, to use as they see fit, or need.
I emailed/texted all 4 of my sibs telling them I can't reschedule, and we may have to cancel. 3 of the 4 replied within minutes that they honestly didn't care. The one (brother who mother lives with) said, "well, mom will be sad but it's fine if it doesn't happen). So I know for a fact that if I have to cancel, literally 2% of the family will care. Hmmm...we also have a stomach virus raging through my own kids' families.....Merry Christmas!! (That's actually a tradition that we'll never get over--pukey grandkids).
Lets face it, Christmas will never be like it was when we were young. Awaiting Santa's arrival, running downstairs to open our presents. Our parents healthy.
I am trying to just take things as they come and hope for the best.
I would be happy if they made it a new rule that once you turn 18 nobody has to get you presents. The present part of Christmas should just be for the kids. Once you are out making your own money you can buy yourself what you want.
Gershun, I really don't think it's that terminating the rituals means someone doesn't care any more; it just means you won't be held hostage to societal and retail driven traditions that no longer define your own family activities.
I am a firm believer that adhering to "traditions" established for society are tantamount to a level of control I find offensive.
Perhaps the worst activity around the holiday is those tv reporters with their pounds of chemicals on their faces cheerfully asking people how much they're going to spend this year. I wish someone would ask me, but my answer would never get past the censors as I'd say that I think people should do or not do exactly what they want to do and completely ignore spending money on presents their family either doesn't need or doesn't want.
I came to my computer to email my family the update for our party---literally, ONE person even wants to have it--Mother, and she's not speaking to me.
I like that comment "traditions that become mandatory, become unwanted obligations". I could have done an entire needy family's Christmas for what I have spent on this party so far.
My youngest daughter simplified her life a few years ago. She goes to what "family events" she chooses, and no more. I got 15 minutes with her on Mother's Day and felt lucky. BUT, she will often drop by with a gorgeous necklace for me--or bulbs for the garden-whatever, and spends a couple of hours with me. --she lives her life according to her inner peace. I kind of wish I had the guts to do that!!
are least expecting it. I mean there really is no meaning out of a gift that someone felt forced to buy you cause of the date on the calendar.
I always find my stomach tied in knots this time of year and then I get an upset stomach and can't enjoy the day anyway.
My BIL and his family have to have things their way or they have a total meltdown and do nothing at all (pouting loudly all the while); it's got to be held on christmas day, you have to buy presents (even when you are told please please no more!), you have to have certain foods. This extends to other holidays and birthdays as well, in the end everyone is frustrated because no one can possibly live up to the fantasy.
So last year my husband reserved a dining room at a restaurant local to his mom and we all met there. We had a better turnout than usual since no one had to cook. MIL expected everyone would go to her house afterwards but no one did and I'm sure she soon forgot about it. She was actually dropped at home while some siblings went and visited at the house of one of them, which we opted out of - after five years of my husband being the only one of her children that cares for her day-to-day needs and sees her more than twice a year (he goes by twice a week), he's not so enthusiastic about visiting with family so much. We were just relieved it was over for another year.
I guess my main point would be that each situation is different, but especially in the case of Alzheimer's or Dementia, make gradual necessary changes that they can handle. Try to preserve the things that are important to the parent and that might still stick with them, like the time with family. As much as we'd like to discontinue the gathering, my husband still plans it for her sake.
Last year's Christmas party was a success--b/c it was the LAST!! I had a little mtg with my family after the party (less than half of the family showed up) and said "Let's vote: anybody want to keep this old tradition alive?" Not one of 5 sibs said yes. The brother who was supposed to tell Mother hasn't done it yet. She has been hinting around about it to me, and I am not going to be the bearer of bad news. We honestly thought she wouldn't make it another year---and we DID have a big summer family party (again, fewer than half of the family showed up) so this just tells me that our family has hit max capacity and imploded, so to speak.
I emailed the sibs and told them I wasn't planning a party, and made some suggestions that each family make an effort to stop by Mother's and see her. A one-on-one family to Mother ratio is always better. Whatever each family chooses to do is up to them. I know Mother hates the dying out of old traditions, and it is hard to see the changes. My own "little" family has not, and will not be together for Christmas probably again in my lifetime. It's something we have to accept and roll with.
I am giving my grown kids a box of candy and a check for each family to put towards something they'll actually use and need. My son and his wife didn't even send us a card, which made me really start thinking about how crazy the holidays make me.
So--the best way to tell your family you're done with huge traditions that just can't be supported? Stop organizing them and see what happens. Once I stepped down as "party planner"....it all just kind of went away. Hoping this year is more peaceful and pleasant.
I would start cleaning my house.... I would ordered a pre-cooked holiday dinner, everything would need to be heated up on a time table.... clean house.... buy the Christmas cards... write out the cards... write the letters that went into the cards.... clean more of the house... did the Christmas shopping... bought the wrapping paper, wrapped the gifts... got those gifts wrapped for mailing.... still cleaning the house... buy a Christmas tree... decorate the tree... decorate the house, the Snow Village would take a couple of days.... finish cleaning the house. And I was still working outside the house to boot.
And sig other wondered why I was so tired and grumpy on Christmas day. Hello, he thought he did a lot to help me... well, if one counts looking for a Christmas tree at a local lot help, guess he did help me :P
Since my parents had recently passed, this year I will volunteer at the hospital on Christmas day, they always serve a nice meal for the holiday.... as for gifts for sig other's relatives, will write checks this time. As for personal letters to everyone out-of-town, this time a holiday newsletter. Oh, no buying a Christmas tree, I will put lights on the fig tree in the living room, and candles in the windows. If sig other wants more, he's able to do it himself.