Let me start with I am 15 years old. For the past 7 months I have been taking care of my recently disabled mother. In July my mom got diagnosed with a rare auto immune disorder that rendered her arms and legs (practically) completely useless. I couldn't leave her home alone and had to drop out of school to take care of her, she's a diabetic with a very bad pressure ulcer and I kept coming home to the house trashed from her trying to make herself food and falling so it was clear I needed to be home more. The doctors have her on a ton of steroids and a recovery time of at least 2 years and a full recovery is not promised I started online classes but we couldn't pay for it once she was forced to leave her job and we're currently waiting on her disability check. Anyway, I'm now in night school and my online credits couldn't be transferred so I now have to take summer school as well. I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted, I now drive her everywhere, I do all grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, all important calls to doctors and lawyers, I even have to cut up her meat for her.
Everyone tells me that I'm so brave and such a good person but I don't want to be anymore!! My mom refuses to get a home health nurse, it makes her feel uncomfortable, and also doesn't want to go to assisted living though it has been offered to her on several occasions. We have no family here, so I'm doing this myself, I have no friends, no one to talk to about any of this. She also takes her anger out on me, she's shoved me, rammed her walker into my legs, yells at me all the time about all the things I do wrong. I just don't want to do this anymore. We plan to move closer to family later this year, her health permitting but I know its still going to fall on me. I feel like im honestly taking care of a toddler, when she's angry she throws her drinks and screams and cries and I know it's mostly because she's angry at her illness and not me but I can't take it.
I'm also scared for my future, I want to go to the university of Miami, its my dream school, but this summer school is really going to set me back and I'm scared that my mom won't be better in time for me to go to college. She's even asked me to consider online classes during college so I can stay home and take care of her. I'm scared that this is all my life will ever be, taking care of my mother until she dies. I get these sick thoughts that I wish she would die just so I wouldn't deal with this pressure and her tantrums and I would actually have a life again. I WOULD NEVER HURT HER OR GIVE HER SECOND RATE CARE THOUGH. Just saying. I cry almost every night and I just want to scream at her that I'm trying my best but I'm just 15. I only have my license because she's disabled, I'm not old enough to get a job. I feel like I'm 30 years old with a baby, I have to feed her, dress her, help her go to the bathroom. I do everything and it all happened so quickly my head is spinning. Its not even like I can take a break, I have no friends to unwind with and no one to leave my mom with.
There isn't much on the internet for kids like me taking care of sick parents so I figured I'd post here for advice and help and for someone to just tell me it's going to be okay i guess. And please don't suggest I talk to her about it, I've tried and she ended up guilt tripping me on how much worse she has it. Thank you for listening to my rant and I appreciate any words of wisdom you could give me.
Usually it's a single parent, and the big concern is what will happen to that child if the parent dies. I think an equally big concern is what will happen if the parent lives. Your story illustrates that dilemma so well. How can a young person start her own life, go to college, get married, find a career, when a sick parent is depending on her and she's already indoctrinated into the caregiver role? I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope that Shelby finds help and a way out so that her life is not taken over by her mother's needs.
You need to tell Adult Protective Services and Child Protective Services about this when you contact them on Monday.
The Illinois Department of Children and Family Services has a youth hotline.
on their site
http://www.state.il.us/dcfs/index.shtml
The Illinois Department on Aging's Adult Protective Services has a website with a 24/7 hotlilne.
https://www.illinois.gov/aging/ProtectionAdvocacy/Pages/abuse.aspx
Maybe the Adult Protective Services and Child Protective Services for your area contact information can be found online as well as in the telephone book.
I'm sure you will call when your fear of thinking this is all your life will ever be becomes much stronger than your fear of making the call. People often don't reach out for help until the pain of their problem becomes greater that the pain of having to ask for help. Make the call at least by Monday if not earlier since both state agencies have 24/7 hotlines. They do keep calls anonymous according to what I read on line. That should make you feel better about calling.
With all of the money lost to your mother's gambling, you are in an even worse crisis than we were aware of earlier in this discussion. That's a good reason to call as soon as possible.
BTW, given your age, I guess you just finished your freshman year and this is your sophomore year in high school. Am I correct? How have your grades been this year while going to night school? It's the grades that you make while in high school and your SAT score that determines where you can apply to college. Your families financial situation and any money you may have determines how much money that you can get to help pay for you to go to college. I hope you can make your study and work dreams come true, but right now you must make sure that is a real possibility for you.
Is there another computer in your house or apartment that you can get online through?
Is there a payment for rent or home mortgage due this month?
Are any of the monthly bills on autodraft at the bank?
Is there any extra money in the bank that would help get you through this month?
When did your mother go to the Casino?
Should she need a trip to ER before other plans are made....please, please tell them you are unable to care for her at home. Be honest and give your age. Being a loving, caring daughter does not mean giving up your future. God bless!
You are between a rock and a hard place. Do you have the parents of a friend that you can rely on. You are basically the head of a household and you still need care, yourself.
Shelby, the last thing I want to do is patronise you, but look at the legal implications here. At 15, you do not have the legal ability to consent to this living arrangement, or to be held responsible for your mother's welfare. It's out of your hands. I don't care what your mother has to say to you about it, the authorities have responsibilities to both of you. Take advantage of that.
But in any case, our OP says that he had to drop out of school to take care of his mother when she got ill; so I was astonished that the school he was at didn't investigate the reasons for his leaving and take it from there. How come?
I am still curious where you are when you take your Mom to the casinos. Are you on the casino floor with her? Or do you have to wait elsewhere?
I would definitely talk to your principal or a trusted teacher and tell them what is going on, all of it. It's not ratting out your Mom, when she is doing better she will be grateful that you got help. Right now her thinking is off. Also if social services does get involved they are going to do all they can to keep your family intact.
This sucks and you don't deserve such a rotten deal but it can get better. I pray you reach out. Your Mom will hate it at first and she might say awful things but that won't last. Deep down she loves you and wants what is best for you she just needs help before she can do the things she needs to.