
I think it's related to my auntie saying she wanted to do her own pills... bc you know people like to have some kind of control and I was like Okayyyy... I knew how this would end. So she got a day behind and started yelling at me. I don't think it's a dementia thing, I dealt with that with my mom, I think it's a "I said I was gonna do this and I didn't so now it's your fault" thing. She did apologize and we got it sorted, but not without her yelling at me and and my fiancee for wayyy too long. I told her I would do the pills. She acted like the world was on fire... and yelled way too much for her pacemaker. Literally everyone in the house including our three cats were totally horrified and frozen and in my case shaking. I just was telling myself "don't say words, don't say words." So thanks for your help and it's... well it's not great to hear that other people go through this stuff, I wish none of us did, but it's nice to have support :) What would you do? I just walked away then in a little while I served up a nice hot chocolate.
I applaud your sensitivity to allowing her to have some kind of control. Try finding some other small tasks you can give her during the day which she can have control over, with no bad effect. It will give her a sense of purpose to be involved. Then, you take charge of the important things that can't get messed up. Just do it before she thinks about it, and do it without asking her.
Get into a routine, the things you handle, and the things she has agency over, and make sure the routine is the same every day. As her mind is grasping to make sense of things, keeping it simple is easier for her. Even writing things on a white board, like a daily schedule, and who is assigned to tasks.
If she has a tantrum directed at you in person, gather your stuff and LEAVE.
As you leave, tell her you are not going to put up with her tantrums.
I would even say "STOP!" when she starts up.
You don't reward bad behavior with hot chocolate. She'll think that is how to get hot chocolate!
You don't say what Auntie is suffering from, her age or other details which would be helpful.
Best of luck deciding how much you are willing to tolerate.
You are not powerless in this situation. Your Aunt now seems to be compromised and she needs help. It doesn't need to be you, it can be a county social worker, someone has to start that ball rolling.
First and foremost, she needs a diagnosis so that proper healthcare decisions can be made. Like maybe she has a UTI and it's causing this change in her behavior. A UTI is treatable with antibiotics and her better nature can return. Maybe take her to Urgent Care to get tested and move on from there.
If you're not willing to be a problem-solver, then caregiving is not a responsibility you should take on. If your Aunt has cognitive decline, there is no cure and it only gets worse. Dementia is mostly diagnosed by discounting all other medical issues (like a UTI, dehyrdation, over- or under- medicating, thyroid problems, stroke, tumor, etc.
What medication is you Aunt on right now? How old is she? Does she have a history of mental health problems? More information will provide better context so we can give you the best guidance.